Need to Talk

Dear T. and family, I am so very sorry for sadness. I don't know what to say other than I am sending you a hug and a kiss.
Love,
E.

I am so sorry to hear about your granddaughter. My son too passed away from SIDS, on May 27, 2009. The only thing I can say to help your daughter is just be there for her. I cannot begin to explain how much it helps to have my mom there for me. I also might suggest support groups because this helps me too. She might not want to go at first, but I really would urge her (without pressuring her) to go, even if just to listen. It really does help to not feel so alone and to be with people who truely do understand what she is going through. Dont get me wrong, I love the fact that my mom is here for me, but she doesnt really understand what I am going through, and no one who hasnt gone through it first hand will. But having a good support system will help her tremendously. The best ones I can suggest are ones specifically for SIDS or even Infant Loss groups. I dont know if she would feel the same, but I went to my first group and it was just a group for people who have lost children of various ages. And I dont mean this to seem that my heart doesnt go out to them, but I just couldnt identify with them because I didnt feel like they understood how I was feeling. They got to see their children grow up a little bit, hear thier first words, see them walk and etc. She and I will never have that chance. And as much as I think it was extremely painfull for them, I just am at a loss because I will never get to have any of the chances that they did. And what makes it worse is there really isnt a real "reason" for why infants die from SIDS. So not only are we at a loss for losing our child, we have nothing to go on about it. There are a lot of books at libraries on SIDS, and I found a lot of good websites by Google-ing SIDS. At any rate and I dont mean to blabber on, but support groups can be found at hospitals and churches and even in the news paper. I hope that I have helped you with your question, and I hope that she finds some comfort during her journey, and be patient with her because even now after 9 months I often find myself feeling just as bad as I did that day, and good days sometimes are hard to find, but you just have to be there for her and listen to her. Even if you dont have the answers to give her, just being there to support her is going to help her more than you can even know. But also dont forget that you are greiving too, and dont forget to take care of yourself. I am so very deeply sorry for your loss, and if your daughter ever wants to talk to someone I would love to talk to her. My e-mail is ____@____.com again, I am so sorry for your loss.

T., my deepest sympathy is with you and your whole family. Losing a baby is the worst pain I can imagine for a family to go through. I can recommend the following books: "Grandma's Tears" by June Cerza Kolf, "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" by Deborah Davis PhD, "When Life is Changed Forever" by Rick Taylor, "After the Darkest Hour the Sun will Shine Again" by Elizabeth Mehren, and "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" by Kathe Wunnenberg. I don't think anyone really can say for sure what causes SIDS, but it could be sleeping on the tummy rather than the back, fluffy bedding in the bed or crib, exposure to cigarette smoke, bad reaction to vaccines, or any number of other things. I understand the need to know what happened, but sometimes these things just happen and no one ever really knows why. It's every parent's (and grandparent's) worst nightmare, because no one is immune. Again, I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet grandbaby. I wish there was something I could say that would help, but in a situation like this there really are no words, it is just so sad.
With thoughts and prayers,
A.

T.,
You and your family have y heartfelt sympathy. I can't imagine what you all must be going through. There are well meaning previous posters offering explanations for SIDS (Suddan Infant Death Syndrome). This is a syndrome that cannot be medically explained. It is NOT from vaccinations or sleeping with an adult (although many infants are accidentally suffocated that way). Your daughter did not do anything wrong. Unfortunately SIDS happens to many children. Please go to this website and check out the factual information about SIDS:
http://www.sids.org/
There is also a link for resources.
I think it would be a good thing if your daughter, husband (and you, if you would like) would find a local support group for dealing with grief.
God bless you and your family at this terrible time.

May God bless you and your family through this very difficult time. I attended a group called Empty Arms when my daughter passed away. They are very helpful and are set up through the hospitals.

I want to offer my condolences to your loss of your precious granddaughter. I saw her picture on your profile and she was a beautiful little girl. Just being there for your daughter and listen to her will help her. You won't be able to say anything to alleviate her pain, no matter how much you want to. She will go through various stages of grief. Again, so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the pain. :(

I believe you did the best by asking for help that is the first step while I have no experience I am always willing to listen .my heart is breaking for u and your family you can always call me T. ###-###-#### she may need professional help but having a family who is so supportive will b much comfort

I am sorry to hear about your loss. You know as much as the Dr's know about SIDS. There are so many things that they think might actually cause it, there is no one cause. As for your daughter, check at the hospital for a sid's support group and both of you go, it will help. If you don't find a group close enough, find a psychiatrist or a minister to help you thru the grieving process. God bless and as with almost all things...time will help!

T.,

I don't have any information to share. Rather, I share my deep sadness with you and your family. I am truly sorry to hear about the loss of your granddaughter.

Regards,
T.

T.,

I am so sorry for your loss. The cause of SIDS is still unknown. Be there for your daughter. Let her talk when she needs to.

Again, I am so sorry.

T.

I'm so sorry for your family s loss. Please accept my sincerest condolences. Everyone grieves differently and there is no set schedule for when or if they come to terms with it. When it comes down to it, most things people say, although they mean well, come out very wrong and only increase the pain. Perhaps another parent who has lost a child can say they know how your daughter feels, but each persons pain is intensely personal and individual. A grief support group for yourself and for your daughter when you are ready would be a place to start sharing your feelings.

I am so, so sorry. Is there a group that meets to help her through this, and you? Maybe there is a moms group that you can join too.
My prayers are with you.

First off, I am so sorry. This is every mothers worst fear.....

Sudden infant death syndrome.

The problem with it is that the doctors don't know what causes it.... Some people think it comes from the vaccinations and that a the baby's body is so overloaded that they forget to breathe...... BUT NODODY KNOWS FOR SURE WHAT CAUSES IT........

Just be there for you daughter. Go over and clean, cook, help her out. Let her know you are there if she wants to talk.

Look for a local support group for yourself (and your daughter if she wants to go...) It will probably help you the most to connect with others who are going through a similar situation.

Honey, I am so sorry for you and your family.I will remember you all in my prayers. Just remember she is now God's littl angel and she will always be able to look down on you all and know she was loved.May God heal and help you all thru these times.

So sorry for your untimely loss; first, my and the prayers of my family are with your daughter, you and your family.
Two resources, I think maybe very, very helpful, supportive, and informational can be found at the following web sites. I am aware that they are located out of the United Kingdom; but I think they maybe worth scrolling through.
First the web site. www.babyloss.com
Second web site: http://www.patient.co.uk/doctor/Sudden-Infant-Death-Syndr...
or the web site it is located is: www.patient.co.uk
Again, please accept our condolences. Respectfully, Cindy

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I could provide more comfort to you than words from a stranger. From what I understand, the most recent research is that SIDS is linked to sleep apnea. Even if the mom knew the baby had sleep apnea, there is not much they can do for it anyway in an infant. So, I hope that she is not blaming herself for this tragedy. I hope that you can all heal in time.

I'm SOOOO sorry...
As far as I have heard, SIDS is a sort of mystery....
The best philosophy I know for dealing with tragedy is to NOT let it define you. In other words, your daughter could spend the rest of her life defining herself as "a mom who lost her baby to SIDS" (permanently victimized by life, no hope of becoming more) or she can define herself as a person with a life full of whatever her life has been/ will be full of, who also experienced the loss of a child. It is only a piece of her experiences in life, not the total sum of her life....although obviously it will stay with her.
But I'm sure your daughter is not ready for this yet, she is still heavy in the first stages of grieving.
Consider "survivor guilt" when you talk to her. You can look this up on the internet, but it means that people who don't die with loved ones (who may have been with them) feel like they should have died too...and feel guilty for experiencing pleasure in life because they feel like they don't deserve to be happy when someone else is dead.
Help her find support groups, to talk to other mothers who lost their babies.

As I am reading these comments I have tears running down my face. I am so very sorry for your loss and I cant imagine what you and your daughter must be going through. Looks like youve got some good advice but I would like to reiterate a couple points. Dont pressure her because everyones pain is different and it can take some people alot of time to recover. Support groups definently and DO tell her, when the time is right, that there was no way for her to have prevented it from happening. Just know that she is in Heaven now and happy.

Again I am so very sorry and will keep all of you in my prayers.

T.,
Soooo sorry to hear about your loss. Hug your daughter when she needs to be hugged. Let her cry as often as she needs to. Even when she cannot get a word out - hug her and let her know how much you love her and are there for her.

My prayers are with you, your daughter and her family.

Very helpful, is to find a grief support group... it really helps and she will meet others who will have things in common. Not just a support group... but a "grief" support group. Big difference.
My Mom, when my Dad died, attended grief support groups. It helped her greatly. And she met many nice friends there, who shared their sorrow.

Try asking the hospital if there are grief support groups for parents who experienced a loss... or do a Google search for it in your area.

Watch for depression as well, in your Daughter... or Husband. It can be manifested in different ways. But if you feel she needs help, then help her... it is a profound time and hard to deal with.

Many hugs to you... take care,
Susan

I AM REALLY SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS !!!! MY PRAYERS ARE WITH THE MOTHER AND FAMILY !!! The best way to cope with the death of a child is show support and let your daughter know you are there ! It is hard there will be tears there will be anger and I know you dont want you daugter to go through pain ! Just give her Love because right now she probbaly feels like a part of her is gone ! I really understand it has been 11 years and I still wonder what he would look like today. I apologise all I can say is no matter if it seems like it hurts her to talk about the baby just let her talk it is the best thing !!! sincerly,V.

So sorry for your family's loss T.. My thoughts are with you all.

I lost my daughter very unexpectedly at birth almost 6 years ago. The grief road can take years for her and for you. They say grandparents' grieve twice - once for your grandchild and again for your own child's heartbreak.
She will never "get over" the loss, nor will she ever be the same. That is not to say she can't be happy again, however. The loss will slowly integrate into her (and your) lives and become part of your shared experience. Encourage those around you to recognize that she cannot return to the same person she was, and that over time (sometimes a lot of time) if she is allowed to grieve and with support, she will emerge from this tragedy stronger, wiser and able to carry her daughter's memory as she lives her life fully. It takes time, and people around you always want to rush it, to make themselves feel better. Also, if she is married, they need to get support together. More than half of couples who have a loss like this separate.

I'd be happy to talk to you (or her) if it would help. Also my own Mom moved in with us when we had our loss and grieved along side us which was a great comfort. I know she would be more than willing to talk to you if you wanted.

My email is ____@____.com.

K.

I am so sorry for your loss! You and you family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hi, T.:

Listen patiently. She may feel alot of guilt and blame herself.
We don't know why things happen but they do. We are always
in some state of grief all out lives.

You find someone to listen to you as well, that way you can allow her to
grieve.

The sadness is shared by those who love you all. D.

You have gotten so many wonderful responses. I second the comments about Hospice and prayer. I would also suggest that you think about, when your daughter is ready, a way to honor your granddaughter. I have heard of some beautiful ideas -- creating a special necklace so that she will always be over your daughter's heart is one that has always resonated with me, but there are many others. Is there somewhere special where the family can plant a tree - maybe a playground or a place where others can appreciate it? Maybe you would prefer to name a star after her or to donate some books to your local library. Some people even create an annual tradition of some sort. Whatever you choose, this should be a way to create a special tribute to your granddaughter while looking to the future in a positive way. In the meantime, I pray that God's grace and peace be with you and your family.

make sure you pound in to her head its not her fault she didn't do anything wrong.

Dear T. , I am so sorry for yours and your daughters loss. I do not know all the details of SIDS , I do know that an exact cause is not known but they do think that some factors can be the cause. Some of these being baby not sleeping on their backs , being in a house with smokers , sleeping in same bed as parents. There are more but I cannot recall them off the top of my head.

As for helping your daughter through this , all you can do is be there for her , if she wants to talk then listen , if she wants to shout about it and be angry then be her sounding board and make sure she knows that you are there for her. People grieve in there own way and there is nothing in particular that you can do to make it better for her.

I wish I had some more advice for you.

Dear T.,

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family! I would strongly recommend contacting a hospice in your area. Hospice assists the dying and their families, but they also provide counseling services to the public. These people have been specially trained to work with those who are grieving before, during, and after death. If there are other children, hospices have special programs for helping children cope as well.

Best wishes,
A.

There are a lot of factors, there is no single explanation. It's the worst thing that could happen to any parent. I saw something on the news recently that they have found that babies who have died of SIDs have lower levels of serotonin in their brains and low levels of an enzyme called tryptophan hydroxylase which is needed to make serotonin. Serotonin regulates sleeping, heart rate, and breathing, and acts as a chemical alarm to wake up a baby if their breathing is disturbed for any reason. Sometimes they just get into a deep sleep state and forget to breathe. There is no test to find out which babies are at risk. They don't know why some babies have lower levels of this enzyme.

My sister, who has a serotonin problem, is pregnant, and doesn't know how this might affect her new baby (it probably has no connection at all). She's now planning to get a SIDs Monitor to install in the crib. I know at least one person in my parents group who is grateful they bought one.