How to Best Guide and Be There for My Teenage Daughter

That's a HUGE question, and no good answers. It's SO hard. I'm sorry. You still have to do what's best for her, and she may well act out, but the best thing I can think of is LISTEN to her, and talk about her dad often to initiate her talking.

I don't know where you live, but in San Jose CA the Hospice of the Valley has a Bereavement program with special groups for everyone. ###-###-####

Dear,dear M.,

Believe the Lord will not give us more than we can handle, even though we sometimes wonder how we will be able to carry the load.

Grieving is a different process for each individual. It is not uncommon for children to feel responsible. You cannot replace what your daughter has lost and it will take time for her to deal with the void left in her heart and soul. She needs to be reminded of your love for her. You must make the decisions best for her future. Your daughter needs you.

Try to keep in mind she may not want to leave the house her dad lived in because she is not yet ready to let go. To some extent, she will always miss her dad. She will have times when it will seem she resents you; because you are the one there. In truth it will not be you she resents, but instead, her dad she misses.

She needs support to help her through. This could be counseling, a support group, her grandparents, friends, or even a vacation to a special place for just the two of you. She needs to be able to talk... and she needs time to reflect and sort things out.

Above it all, the most important thing is that she knows she is loved.

My prayers are with you, your daughter, and her dad's family,
L.

I am really sorry for your loss. I was 17 when I lost my father. I was devastated and losing a parent is very different than losing anyone else.

You need to tell your daughter exactly what you just said..."she is not responsible for everyone else getting through it all..." and you may have to tell her that over and over and over until she truly understands it. Sometimes what helps is just sitting in silence holding hands or hugging her - sometimes words just don't do it. There is no time limit on the grieving period, but if her overall personality changes, outside help may be needed.

I don't know where you live, however the is a place in Santa Clara called the Centre for Living with Dying. They are trained the help people deal with death and all the unanswered questions that go along with it. It doesn't matter how he died, they can help.

I wish you the best and will keep you in my prayers.

M.,

My most sincere condolences for both you and your daughter. This is an awful thing to have happen for both of you. At 15, all of the emotions are very difficult to make sense of and digest. When all you want to do is fit in, having something that sets you apart can be terrifying, embarrassing, etc. for a teenager.
What I can recommend is to get your daughter to someone she can talk to (therapy). This person will be completely unbiased (not friend or family). Where are you located? If in the bay area, I have a wonderful referral for you -
Lori Sampson. She does much more than talk therapy as she helps you understand where deep emotions are being held and to identify them. Her therapy is known as Somatic Resourcing. She works with teens, has a buddhist mentality and is also an artist as well as a very fun person.
Here is a link to learn more about her: http://www.something-fishy.org/treatmentfinder/Lori-Samps...
and her phone# is ###-###-####

I saw her after the loss of my own father and she helped tremendously. I am also speaking from some experience as I had a boyfriend commit suicide during my senior year in high school. A different experience than your daughter, but a similar age and also very traumatic w/ many feelings of responsibility to work through. During that time, talk therapy was a good friend of mine and helped me carry on.
I'm sure your daughter is strong (most teenage girls are!) and with a lot of love and support will get through this.

& How are you? Please don't forget your own grieving process - remember to give yourself time and space to process this loss.

I wish you both a lot of love and support on this journey that your taking together.
Best,
M.

About Me: Happily Married, mother of 4mo. old and stepmother to a 15yr. old girl. I'm an Ayurvedic practitioner w/ a private practice in San Francisco (www.solacehealth.com).

Hi M.,

My condolences to you and your family. Death is difficult because we will miss the people that have passed. Yet all of us will pass that way, with no exceptions. But it's still hard for the living to face reality when someone we love dies.

I'm not sure what the particular decisions are that you have to make for your daughter. I imagine one would be where will she live permanently now that her father is gone. I also share custody of my kids with my ex and that is the first major decision I would have to make.

15 is a difficult age because they are not quite children, yet they aren't adults. You are her mother and must make the final decision but include her input in your final decision. She is three years away from being an official "adult", so let her think through making up her mind. If she chooses one way, ask her why she chose that way. Find out what is influencing her decision. If you help her to learn how to make a good decision now, she will do it when she gets older. Help her make up her mind.

You can also give her several options that are comfortable for you. That allows you to set the limits but also allows her to make a choice.

You can tell her what your choice is and the reasons why you feel they are appropriate. If you two can't come to common ground, then, as her mother you'll have to do what is right. But reassert that you are making the choice that is best for her - even if she can't see it right now.

Through it all, try to be patient. I know about teenage girls and top it off with a stressful event like the death of her father and it's not a pretty scene. Take deep breaths. Remember, teenagers are like a bar of wet soap. If you hold on too tight, they'll slip right out of your hands.

Good luck to you and God bless.

Wow - that is a tough decision. Being that I was young when I lost my mom, I am hurting for your daughter very much. Maybe you should take her out to dinner or a shopping date - some place just the two of you and you can talk to her. She may only be 15, but it may be beneficial for her to be involved in the decision making process. That might be a way for you to make the final decisions without pushing her away completely. You may need to remind her that although she has input, you ultimately have to have the final say because you are the adult and have a slighly clearer head, etc. (all the cliche statements an adult can make). Have her go to grief counseling also - I highly recomment it because it was the only thing that kept me sane after losing my mom & I wish more of my family had gone too. Good luck & I will be praying for you 2!

I feel for you and the difficulty of this situation. I would suggest giving her outlets to express her feelings - suggest that she journal her feelings or use a journal to "speak" to her daddy. then, when she goes to visit the grave site, she can reaad him what she wrote. Let her know how you are feeling, that you are her mother and care so much for her and are not certain how best to guide her through this incredibly painful time of her life. Tell her you are sad too. I am sure her father was an important part of your life, too, even if he was no longer your husband. Tell her that you are trying your best and that if she needs something from you or wants a decision to go in a certain direction that affects her, to let you know. Sometimes supporting someone is as "easy" as remembering to really ask them how they are that day - meaning, ask the question and then, be quiet and let her respond and share with you. Don't interject too much. Just let her open up. Very best to you and your daughter.

I am so sorry for your family's loss. Your daughter must be devastated. You really need to get her into grief counseling now. She might tell you she is "fine," but she just lost her dad and she is not fine.

Where are you located? There is a wonderful program in Reno, NV specifically for children (young to teens) that handles the loss of loved ones. Go to www.solacetree.org. They can help you find a program in your city if you are not in the Reno area.

But get her help as soon as you can. My brother died 7 years ago and my sister-in-law regrets not getting my nephew into counseling earlier. It does help.

Best wishes and I will keep you all in my prayers.

Her father's parents have just lost a child. That is very devistating even if the child is older. I know because I lost my daughter at age 29 to a stroke. My life had changed now I am a grieving parent.

My daughter's husband was able to raise their 3 children and I was glad because my husband had been diagnosed with Alzheimers 2 years prior to my daughter's death.

However, after 5 years, we were cut off and were not able to watch her children grow into their teens. I had known something was up because the children were starting to be disrespectful and occasionally slip and say their father said it about us. The only thing I could do after we were not able to see them was pray for them-which I have and try to deal with the anger at their father.

Children should not be used as weapons, they need as much love from both sides to make them into stable adults. It has been 6 years since we have been able to call or see them.
Last year my husband-their grandfather died. I didn't even get a card from them.

My suggestion to you as the parent is realize the grandparents are probably afraid the connection with their grandaughter will be broken. Have a meeting with them and ask that they still be in her life. But, you on the other hand do not want to have your daughter damaged. That you realize she needs them to be there for her and they have been very important to her. Make an agreement to have certain weekends she vists them that is agreeable for both sides. And keep to that agreement.

Good luck, D.

I am SO sorry for your familiy's loss. It's absolutely important for you to still be her parent. She is feeling terrible, sad, depressed etc, but she needs to go through those and deal with them. Everyone responds differently and at a different pace to these sorts of tragedies. This sadness should not be an excuse for behaving badly or anything else. The best tribute she can make to her father is to carry on and grow up to be the healthy, happy, accomplished young woman that I'm sure he hoped she would be.
For you, you'll need to be there for her in a lot of ways. She may or may not want to talk about things. Sometimes just sitting with her and waiting for her to talk may be all that you can do. Though we have not had these same experiences I have found that when I really want to connect with my daughter I have to be really really patient and persistent. I sometimes will go and sit in the same room with her and read her teen magazines and try to start conversations about what I'm reading there. You would do well to make her life and her routines very predictable and structured so that it becomes easier to 'carry on".
Shopping may fill a temporary void, but it's not a great habit to get into as therapy. Stuff doesn't make people happy for very long.
Find some sort of support group for her to connect with either on-line or in person. She may be able to share things with others who have been through similar experiences. Somtimes hospitals can connect people with these sorts of greif support groups.
Good luck to you and remember to take care of yourself through this process too.

M.,
Iam so sorry for your daughter's loss. I wish I had some magic words to send your way, and I'm sorry I don't but I just had to respond.
Just asking for advice proves what a good mom you must be. She may push you away right now,but sometimes that just means what she really wants is to be held tighter?
God bless you, I know the mom's on this site will find some good advice for you, I know there are probably some good books that deal with the death of a parent, problem is I don't think you have time now to sit & read it for the advice it might serve. I wish I had something better to tell you.....just know that a stranger's prayers are being said for you both.....

Wow, What a difficult situation. My heart really goes out to you and your daughter. Have you looked into a counselor for her? Check with your doctor (I know we get 20 mental health visits a year with our plan). In addition to 1 on 1 therapy, a support group might really help her because at this age she might feel like "you just don't understand" what she's going through.

Good luck with everything,
T.

I'm so sorry for your loss/daughter's loss. My husband died when my sons were 11 and 5. There is no manual on how to handle a death, especially the parent of a child. This is what I did. He died very unexpectadly 4 days before school started for the year. On the first day of school I sent my children to school. I had a meeting with their teachers/councelors at school and let them know what had happened, that way if they got upset they would know why and could call me. I got them involved in something, we chose baseball. I kept everything consistent. I got their grandparents, aunts, uncles,cousins involved and kept them busy. Yes I was distraught and upset but I had to show my children that life goes on. Most important was that I had to show them that this was not the end so they could not use it as an excuse to do badly in school, or worse. It's been 3 years now and we are doing good. We let balloons go on his birthday or Father's day for him. Do not let her just run her life into the ground with the excuse of "well my dad died so this is ok." Remind her that he would not approve of that. Tell her to make him proud by making good choices. I hope this helps. Again so sorry.

Dear M.,
What a terrible situation for all of you-- you certainly have my sympathy! I am a therapist speacializing in teens and their families and I would recommend finding a similar therapist in your area to help you and your daughter through this. In the meantime, be ready to listen, use phrases like, 'I know this must be hard' (not 'I know what you're going through' unless you've actually been through a frakishly similar situation).
Be honest that you are confused and overwhelmed, too. It will help her understand that that's natural, and also, if you decide to change your mind about any decisions you make in the next month, you'll have that to fall back on.
Best of luck!

Dear M.,
Oh God. I am so sorry for this loss. Even though you and he weren't together anymore, it is a loss for you and you have to figure out how to get your daughter through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Really.
I think the first thing you should do is get her into counselling.
Her father has passed away....that means that you are the surviving parent and you have the right to do what's best for her. You certainly do not want to alienate her from the relationship she has with her grandparents, but you are the mother. She may be 15 years old, but she just lost her father days ago. She is not in any position to be making decisions for herself. She hasn't even had a chance to get a grip. Get her into counselling. Include the grandparents if you have to. If they are not being supportive of her trying to cope in a healthy way....they will be told point blank that they are not helping.
I went through this same thing with one of my friends.
Dad died. He ultimately drank himself to death which is why they were divorced in the first place. The girl needed extensive counselling because she glorified him, she blamed her mother and everyone else, and she went off the rails. Sneaking out, lying, stealing, smoking pot, drinking....she figured, Why not? We're all going to die. I might as well do whatever I want. It was tough, but the mom just stayed very strict with her. It may sound mean, but she didn't cut her any slack in her behavior. None. She said, "I'm so sorry your dad died, but I am still here and I'm not going anywhere. And I'm not going to watch you destroy yourself." She got her help, kept her close and just moved her to the dorms on Sunday to start her college education. So she's doing fine.
Now that your daughter's dad has passed, I think you need to file a motion with the court that grants you sole custody based on the fact that he's deceaced. If you don't, that other order is still on the record. And you might want to do it before the grandparents do it first.
Just an idea....I don't know your whole situation. You can still let her see the grandparents and have a relationship with them, but like I said before, you are the surviving parent.
I will guess that your daughter won't like a lot of things that will be happening in the near future. She doesn't like the fact her dad is gone and there is nothing she can do about it. She may be 15, but she's still a little girl who is going through one of the worst things that will ever happen to her.
Ask for help.
Right away.
God bless.

Dear M.: I am deeply sorry to hear about your daughters loss...and yours too. In my experience with loss and children and teenagers, is to offer to her your love, understanding and your attention in the form of listening.
Believe it or not, talking is the healer of all wounds. Let her know that you want to be available to her in any way she needs. If your family hasn't been able to share feelings and thoughts openly, now is the time to begin..all of you. Most teenagers will need us to open up communication and especially when there is a divorce. Children (teens included)
often feel caught in the middle, and she might feel that she can't talk to you about her profound sorrow at loosing her dad. I find that talking with teens honestly, is the most important aspect of our relationship with them. I don't know your family background, but depending on your upbring, you might let her know that your family never spoke about feelings growing up and you want to do things differently now. I find that when talking with teens, it is sometimes helpful to be sharing an activity such as driving in the car or getting ready for dinner (cooking etc.)...the reason for this is there is less embarrasement and discomfort for them (and soemtimes for us too)!!
I think we all know that the loss of a parent at a young age is truly the worst experience of our life. Although we can
never forget tragedies that happen to us, we can learn to live with them and have a full and healthy life. In regards to her father's family, this would be a good time to help her learn about boundries and her need to take care of herself and be taken care of by the adults in her life. You could remind her that everyone (her grandparents) benefits when we can grieve openly and speak honestly with each other.I would teach her about grief and that we are angry when someone dies even though our feelings don't always make sense.I wish for you to have trust in you love and wisdom for your daughter.
I am happy to talk with you more if you think it would be helpful. My prayers are with you you and your family. Warmly, G.

M.
{{hugs}}, so sorry to hear of your family's loss. Does your local hospital have any grief support groups for teens? A friend of mine who lost a daughter to SIDS said that the grief support group that their local hospital chaplaincy sponsored was a HUGE help in getting them to express and learn to cope with their grief in a healthy manner.

Hi M. -

Wow, what a tragedy for your daughter. Two things I'd recommend:

1) Find a really great therapist for your daughter. I don't know where you live, but I have several I could refer her to. She needs someone who is really good to help guide her through this, who she can vent to, be angry with. You cannot do this for her, sadly.

2) Do let her make SOME of the decisions. At 15, she is capable of taking steps on her own, and so, to the extent possible, let her. When and if you disagree on a decision, work with her therapist to come up with a workable compromise. Remember that the loss of a parent signals loss of control -- it reminds us that we really do not have ultimate control over what happens to us. At her age, this sense of chaos could be very damaging -- and to the extent that she can rebuild comfortable structure in her life by making decisions will help her realize that she does have control, and she can build a good life.

Finally, be good to yourself. This is a very trying time for you both. If she won't let you hug her, remember to touch her -- on the shoulder, on the arm -- so she knows you are there for her.

Take care,

J.

Let me say that I am so sorry for your loss, and that I haven't been through this kind of situation. SO take this for what it's worth. You are your daughter's mother, so you have to do what you think is best. And you will have to accept that your daughter may be mad at you for some decisions - be her mother, not her buddy! She's only 15 and she truly doesn't ahve a way of figuring out what is best for her, but only what she wants.

I would try to keep things as much the way they were before as I could. For instance, she should have lots of time with her grandparents, if that's what she had before. Maybe you do or don't get along well with them. This may be a moment when you can come togehter on a few things. I would try to talk through some scenarios with them ans see how they can all remain connect. You don't have to agree to anything on the spot with them, or get overly stressed out because you know that you have all the power. I would also try to generally keep your daughter really busy (sign her up for whatever she is interested in) so that she doesn't get into trouble!

Again, I'm so sorry. And good luck to you,
M.

This would be a good time for you and your daughter to make a memories/scrapbook (or you could make on on the sly and give it to her as a gift that she will always treasure). If you have old pictures of her dad and you, you should start with those in the beginning of the book and caption everything with the good memories for her to read. She may think you dont care about her dad since you weren't together so she needs to be reassured that you did and do care about him. Teenagers know how to take tragedies as this and use it to their advantage... such as the grandparents spoiling her. You have a tough, emotional job on your hands right now. I'd go to the library or bookstore and maybe find a book that is geared for the younger generation on death of a loved one. don't jump into therapy right away, the docs will just want to put her on prozac or something..... try not to go there if you dont' have to. People lose parents all the time, life goes on and the memories last forever. Good luck with this.

Hi M.,

The county offers helpful services that you could probably qualify for. Contact Social Services for more help.

All the best,
M.

You will just have to love her through it. Make her a picture collage of her father for her room at your house and tell her she can talk to tou about him when sghe wants or needs to. She is 15 so letting her go to make her own decisions spells disaster. She just needs to know there is someone else she can count on and turn to.

My condolences to your daughter and you. Are they giving her money to shop to keep her mind off of things so she doesn't have to grieve? If so, not a good idea. She needs to feel her loss and experience her grief - otherwise she will "stuff" those feelings and they will come back in the future. As for making decisions that won't cause her to hate you, all I can say is you have to be her mother, not her friend. She may say she hates you, but she doesn't. She may be angry, but that will pass. The relationship beween mother and daughter can be a very hard one, especially during the teen years. She is only fifteen and definitely not yet ready to make life decisions. She should have some input, but not the final word. It sounds like you might be trying to decide whether to continue with the 50/50 custody arrangement with the grandparents. Is that it? You really didn't say what kind of decisions you are trying to make. If that's it, then if the grandparents can/will work with you on the way you want to raise your daughter and you feel comfortable letting her be there, then go ahead. But if the grandparents undermine your authority or don't make her abide by the same rules you have, then no way. the grandparents have to understand that they don't replace dad in decision-making, they just continue to be grandparents with all decisions made by you. Good luck. My prayers are with your daughter!

Hi M.,

I'm not sure when shopping became an antidote to grief, but it never worked for me. I think a much more therapeutic thing would be taking her to a small B and B near the coast for a couple of days, if you can, or at least having a day at the coast (if it's close by, somewhere in West Marin or Sonoma County is terrific) and letting her just be quiet with the ocean. Scrapbooking sounds like a good idea too. It's still fresh, so I really think just a day or two away from regular life to let it sink in a bit would be good. All the best.

I really feel for you. I have not lived through this situation but have a 16 year old daughter and know how very hard a time this is in their lives and to add the extra burden of loseing a parent would just be so very hard. Love, patience and just being there for her is all my advice could be, and hang on this should be a long hard ride for you both. One thing I do know is that at 15 they are no where near ready to make their own decisions. They need the guideance of a parent.

A little about me:

I am 38, married 17yrs, mom of 2 girls 16 & 12

I am so sorry for your loss... and for your daughter. It is difficult enough to lose a spouse or ex-spouse but for your daughter to lose her father... that is just awful. My thoughts are to get her into counseling... someone neutral to talk to would probably help her. You as her mom needs to be open to her needs to talk and to do whatever it takes to help her get through this. There is a website that helped me after the loss of a husband... www.groww.com. There are chatrooms with hosts that talk to you. It might be good to continue to let her be with the grandparents as much as possible. I do wish you the best of everything... and remember... take it one day at a time.