Need Thanksgiving Day Advice

Be honest. Show her what you wrote.
We spend way too much time trying to please each other and end up not being real, which leads to disconnection.

You can be nice about, if you are honest things are going to go better.

S.,
It sounds like this is how your mom shows love...through providing the best meal she can. Have you ever heard of "love languages', I recommend everyone read that book.
Just because this is how your mom shows love doesn't mean it's how you show love- sound like you show it by sharing time and listening. Tell your mom that it is important for your emotionally to reconnect with your family members. While you can help her with some things, getting someone else to also help will allow you to do what you need to do for the holiday.

Why is it that even tho we're grown with a family of our own be feel that we are to do what our Mothers expect us to do???? We are an adult and it is good for us to include our own wants and needs when we make a decision about what to do on Thanksgiving. Guilt is built into us from the time we begin to have our own thoughts. We have to learn to let go of the guilt so that we can live our own lives in the way we want to live them instead of in the way our parents want us to live them.

I'd have a calm but firm discussion with your mother before Thanksgiving Day. Acknowledge her tradion and how you know that doing the day in her way is satisfying to her. They tell her it is not the way you want to spend the day. Affirm your love for her and praise her dinner but include your wish to spend more time with people. Then ask her if you could both help her some but also go to the living room and visit. The two of you decide how you can help her. Perhaps she has one dish that she'd like you to prepare in addition to the dish that you are already planning to bring. Then you decide how you'll make that dish happen. Or you could agree to spend so much time with her in the kitchen. Perhaps an hour or perhaps to help her put it on the table.

Are there no other women involved with dinner? In our family the women gathered in the kitchen and did the cooking together. Preparing dinner was very much a social activity. Then after dinner everyone went to the living room or stayed seated around the table and continued to visit. Dishs were done later in the evening. Men helped clear the table of dirty dishes while we were all still talking. Food was left on the table for us to continue nibbling. The whole day was casual and involved everyone both in and out of the kitchen.

If kitchen time is work and very little if any socializing I'd get out of it too. I also agree that talking with people is just as important as cooking a fabulous dinner. I'm willing to forgo the fabulous for just plain good so that everyone has a chance to be together. Perhaps you could explain that to your mother.

You will have to keep reminding yourself that you do not need to feel guilty. I used a mantra something like this. "I'm grown up! I'm responsible for my own happiness and only mine. My mother is responsible for hers. Staying in the kitchen is her choice; not mine." Then I'd be sure to stop in every once in awhile and give her a hug. Praise her for how good the food smells. This lets her know that you appreciate what she is doing while at the same time being independent and taking care of your own needs.

This will be difficult. For me it was only after several incidents that I began to feel truly comfortable with my own choices.

My Mom is 77 and still insists upon cooking the night before and the staying in the kitchen the morning of Thanksgiving. It's her tradition, her love of the big family meal. My brother and I insist on bringing things to dinner, such as the sweet potatoes, the pies, the salads... but Mom does the turkey, the dressing, the gravy, the mashed potatoes and the homemade rolls. My daughter will go to her house the night before and spend time with Grandma, learning how to do it all, passing the tradition, the knowledge, the skills down generation to generation. I look at all this work as an expression of love from my Mom to all of us. I know how to make the turkey, the dressing, etc. but this gives my Mom her purpose. I am so thankful that I get to spend another Thanksgiving with her. Monday was my parents' 60th wedding anniversary. My Dad passed away 14 years ago, but the love never dies. Again, share the day, share the preparations... my Dad always said the family that did (fill in the blanks with any chore) together, stayed together. The family that makes Thanksgiving together, stays together. Happy Thanksgiving!!! A day for thanks, a day for giving!!

-- boy I really hear you, S.-- as I often cook in the same way your Mom does --- how about telling her NOW -- so she has a couple of days to get used to the idea-- that you absolutely will spend at least 2 hours before dinner visiting- that you love to cook with her ( which I hope you do) AND you really want to spend more time with your ( fill in the blank--- cousins-- aunts-- whoever) --- and that you hope she will, too--- You could also specifically state that you will bring the ----------candied sweet potatoes already made so no time will need to be dedicated to making THEM ---

Blessings-- hope it goes really great -- ( your Mom is so lucky-- and I hope you feel lucky, too)

J.- aka- Old Mom

Although you have voiced your opinion on food prep this is how your Mom wants to host Thanksgiving. Decide how much you are willing to help, ENCOURAGE others to help out too, then enjoy your family. Who does the dishes? It shouldn't be your Mom ^j^

I'm not saying it will be easy, but you are in charge of your guilt.
E.

Tell her you need time on Thanksgiving to socialize with relatives and enjoy your holiday. Offer to come by the day before and chop vegetables (put them in ziplock bags), prep salad ingredients, make/prepare appetizers that don't require cooking or get them ready to cook, set the table, make cranberry sauce, and bake the dessert (won't compete with oven time the day of). If you buy new potatoes or baby potatoes, they don't need peeling and that can really cut down on prep time. None of this work will get in the way of how good things taste (because you aren't really cooking much ahead of time). You can still wait and do most of the cooking day of, and she will still have your help and company in the kitchen on Thanksgiving - but it will be less stressful.
Good luck!

The problem is that she really does enjoy cooking, but if she spends the whole day preparing the feast for all of those people sitting in the living room relaxing, then she has to spend the majority of the holiday all alone in the kitchen. My guess is that she more wants company to enjoy on Thanksgiving than your help. Be straight forward with her. Explain to her that you don't enjoy cooking, and feel that it ruins the holiday for you when you spend the whole day doing work. Offer to do anything ahead of time, offer to sit in the kitchen and visit, and offer to do the clean up afterward.

You can't make everyone happy unfortunately ! You are right here - she is a bit obsessive with trying to make an impression if her food is perfectly fresh - what is Thanksgiving about ? I would say foremost family - you are right on track with that. Yes, do the preparations in advance ! Forget about this guilt ! You need to stop being so hard on yourself. Let her slave away if she wants on that day, but you can do your preparations in advance days before, and then relax away on Thanksgiving day. Maybe eventually she will get the point, but most likely she won't - so there's no point in beating her over the head with it (you could try later with some of those turkey drum sticks :) Just stand firm on your decision, you are correct. Spending time with the people you are thankful for means more than if your turkey gravy was made the day before or day of (who really would know anyways ? and who cares ?

Can you get someone else to trade some time with you? Maybe, you take a break while one of your siblings 'get quality time with mom'? You wouldn't have to feel badly about leaving her alone to do all the work, someone else could share the work load, and you'd get a break?

Another way to do this may be to enlist more potluck contributions so there is less cooking? Even people bringing pre-cut cauliflower or whatever could help. Either way, though, it seems like it could help to enlist the help of the other members of your family.

(The last way i can think of is to just lay down the law ahead of time - "i'll help for two hours in the morning, and the last hour before dinner, but thats all. Lets think of ways to arrange it so all the prep gets done in that amount of time." But i don't think i could do that, either.)

We have very large thanksgivings and my mom loves to cook all day long!! As I got older I have helped her by making everything a pot luck. Everyone brings a dish and the only thing my mom makes is Turkey, gravy, stuffing and mashed potatoes. She has passed a couple of recipies to me and my sister in law and we do the rest. My husbands family is also there most years as well so my mother in law makes some side dishes that her kids grew up with. Do you have other sisters that can help? or brother? This year I am doing pies and green bean cassrole, my Sil is in charge of sweet potatoes, olives, pickeles, MIL kidney bean salad and peanut salad, and the list goes on.... Make sure the fridge is empty!
In the morning I get with my mom early, we get the turkey in and then we are done till it time for potatoes to be done. This helps alot when other people are coming over. Then keep encouraging her to come and sit and enjoy.
Also after dinner the men get a choice, kids or dishes! and we have a lot of both!
have a great thanksgiving and I agree this is our moms way of showing love!

I don't know the answer, but can totally sympathize with you! It has always irritated me that the women do the cooking and cleanup and the men relax in the LR chatting and if you're lucky keep the kids busy. I decided to boycott a few years ago. After dinner, when the men headed out to the back deck to have some brandy the brother-in-law was so proud of I helped in the kitchen for a little while. By this, I mean I helped clear all of the dishes from the table and carried the serving dishes to the kitchen. There were about 6 women trying to help and mostly look busy for social reasons---entirely too many in the kitchen to begin with. Then, I sat down to rest (I really was tired because I was not used to the altitude where we were visiting). My MIL gave me the dirtiest look I think I've ever gotten and we weren't even at her house! I didn't back down and the rift has continued. When the holidays are at my house, everyone helps (men included--well except for FIL who rarely does anything in he kitchen as his wife has trained him that is women's work). For me it's about the sexist nature of the deal. Can you host the day at your house? Then you can control how much is cooked that day and your mother can bring the dishes she feels must be made that day.

If you find a good resolution, let me know, I'd love to try it!

S.

S. we must have the same mother. My aunts began offering to do all the pies and cakes in their homes which was such a relief since they were already baked when they arrived.
As we each got older we brought a dish from home which left less and less work in my mother's kitchen.
Now my daughter and I try to get my mother out of the kitchen.
One year our whole family went on a cruise for the week. We were together but really it did not feel like Thanksgiving.
Everyone in the family who is coming to dinner from their own home needs to bring a homemade dish. That should fill the table and get your job in the kitchen reduced by some.
Have a happy holiday.

Hi S.
It's sound like one of those traditions that have been passed down to her, we don't know why we do it this way
but because my mom....so I. But most importantly it is a time for thanks and to appreciate the one's we love. I don't
feel her intentions are bad. What about meeting her half
way and suggesting the items that can be preped or cooked early. The seasoning or marinating of the meats, bake the
pies and cakes setting the table etc.,everything you can
think of that can be done the day before. I have a very
large family and my mom is the same way, but because we
entertain a lot we have learned over the years that some foods don't taste better the same day. For example we learned putting together the homeade dressing then freezing
it without baking it brought so much more flavor, then baking it the day of the event. Macaroni and mash potatoes are a same day hit. Just sit with her and coordinate your
menu and compromise. Make it a joyous and loving time.

Much blessings and "Happy Thanksgiving"

S.,

I have never been in your possition, but I thought I would respond anyways!

I would call her and tell her that you are making ahead of time some stuff. You could do stuff that does not require a lot of time, so your mom does not feel she is getting shortchanged. You could do the Salad, sugest doing potatoes from potato flakes, you could do some pies. If she complains you could tell her you want to try your hand at these things, or are just feeling extra ambitious.

Hope this helps,

N.