Need Suggestions - San Antonio, TX

Seems pretty normal to me, toddlers act out because they have no other way of expressing thier feelings and emotions. With that said, I'll say this:

older siblings, especially toddlers, are like dogs... NEVER leave them alone with the baby. Just because they have never bitten doesn't mean they can't. Toddlers and young children don't understand what could happen and they all too often do things like what you have experienced. From now on, be careful not to leave them alone together, unfortunately you might regret it if you do.

Hi C.,

I think this sounds very normal, especially since Gavin is only 3. He has not yet developed empathy or an understanding of how it is possible he could really hurt the baby. I would definitely talk to him about it, but not make too big of a deal. In fact, the bigger the reaction you have the more likely he will be to repeat it. You mentioned he is usually very loving and good with the baby - make sure you have a big response to those good behaviors and don't give more attention to the bad. Getting a new sibling is hard and if he figures out hurting the baby is the best way to get mom's attention then that will seem like a winner to him:). It is hard to feel like you can never look away - I've been there!

We have been going through this transition with our 2 1/2 year old and our 6 month old. The first 3-4 months were really hard for us. It was tough seeing our little angel sprout some horns. I struggled back and forth with anger toward him for being so aggressive and then guilt because I had rocked his world by bringing a new baby into his life. I'm sure baby blues didn't help the situation either.

Things are slowly but surely getting better but we can just never leave them by themselves because like others have mentioned when they are so little they don't realize how they can hurt their little sibling.

This has been one of the hardest times of my life but now that I see them bonding I am looking forward to seeing them grow closer as they grow up. I know they will wrestle and fight but I also think they will be great friends. I often think of my uncle and my mom. Over 70 years ago when my mom was a baby my uncle hit her. It gives me strength knowing this has been going on generation after generation. My big brother tells me every year on my birthday about how hard it was on him when I came home. I can't imagine our lives without each other. I'm so thankful that my son will have a brother when we are long gone, Lord willing.

I say all this to say you aren't alone and I think we will all be thankful in the future when we see our little ones loving on each other. Until then, it's tough but hang in there. I think we will survive!

You ask: ...why do you think Gavin is doing this? Because he can! He's the bigger brother. Siblings always fight with one another at some time or another. My two boys were 22 months apart and as soon as the older one could, he would do the same things your son is doing. I'd find him bouncing balls off of his head, taking his toys away, one time he even told him to put his hand down on a pile of bricks and then threw another one on top of his little hand. He was doing something to him so often, the first thing out of my mouth was "Hey! Stop that." or "Hey, what are you doing?" This happened so much that the youngest called his older brother "Hey" instead of his real name! They are grown men now and best of friends, but that's not to say that the younger one didn't grow up and stand up for himself. When they were in high school, the fights were really very rough at times. Of course we punished, and reasoned and threatened and everything else parents try to do, but it's just something brothers and sisters do with one another. I did it with my sisters and my kids did it. At this age, I wouldn't take my eyes off of them. And your instinct to spend some one on one time with the oldest was very good. Good luck!

This is SOOOOOO normal and nothing to worry about. THere's no big secret that having a new sibling takes away from the first/only child and that, eventually, the "only" WILL act out his feelings about being displaced on his younger sibling. At age 3, he'll be "sneaky" about it and wait for an opportunity when no one is looking as he is invested in you thinking he is the ALL LOVING BROTHER. He's only human and he's a little human being at that, with little or no impulse control when it comes to pain as deep as being displaced can cause, so the ONLY thing you can do is be aware that, no matter how loving he is most of the time, he CANNOT be trusted alone with the baby, period. It's not fair to him to trust him with it as he will, at some point, like all other siblings, feel the need to act out on his hurt over being displaced by that little baby and he won't be able to stop himself so you have to prevent the sitation by not allowing him the opportunity. I know that's SO much easier said than done but it's no different than when you have to juggle things to make sure baby is in a safe position when not in your arms....you just have to make it as forbidden to leave the older one alone with the younger as you would make leaving either of them alone in the house.....just not acceptable....

In the meantime, DON'T panic or over-react to what your son has done....it's a very very normal and common thing and a good opportunity for you to talk to him about using his words to express his feelings about his baby brother being mean. Threes need lots of words and practice using those words when it comes to emotions etc. as they are so full of new ones....especially if a new sibling has entered the picture. You don't want him to be overly alarmed by his behavior toward his brother or he'll think he's bad and the baby's good (three's tend to think in black and white)and his self-esteem will be negatively impacted.....but just a clear and factual and properly emphasised, "OH no, we don't hurt people when we're angry with them, we use words to tell them and if we have to hit something, we hit pillows...." something along those lines. Your little guy LOVES his brother AND he resents him a bit, with good reason so he's going to act like a kid and act out BOTH his love and his resentment and you have to be on the alert to it and prevent an environment conducive to him having opportunity to be alone with his brother.

I've been a professional nanny, teacher and early education specialist for the last 20+ years and I've seen the most loving 3 year olds in the world who ADORE their siblings lay in waiting til mom turned around and hit the baby hard and fast. They ALL do it.

Let me just say that having multiple children does get a bit difficult. I have 3 children that are very close in age. It's great that you are trying to involve the older brother with his younger brother, but try to give them both their time alone with you too. I know it's hard, but they all need that sometimes. Also, keep in mind that it's possible that the 5 month old did do something mean to his brother. 5 month old's pull hair and bite, and all kinds of things. Maybe try to talk to the 3 year old about how when the little one is doing something mean to him, that he needs to tell you instead of lashing out. Also talk to him about how he's a lot bigger then his brother, and although his younger brother could be mean, that he could really hurt him because he's so much bigger. Good luck. I don't think this is something to go freaking out about, though. I think if you are freaking out that you could potentially make the situation much worse. Also, keep in mind that you said that the older brother seemed to be very loving to his younger brother up till now, so there probably was something that happened, and he has to learn from this just like everything else. You have to tell him why this is not ok, and how to correctly behave "like telling mommy, or moving away from the little one if he's being mean". He is just 3 years old, so keep that in mind. Remember that 3 year olds do things like that for no reason at all, or they forget what the reason is. Good luck.

My daughter was the same way, although not physically agressive intentionally. When baby first came home from the hospital, she LOVED him! But, he really only slept and sat there like a bump on a log at that point. It really wasn't until the 5-6 month mark when he got to be more mobile and interactive that she started to see him as competition and get jealous. She also thought of him as being "bigger" and able to do things, so she wanted to "play" with him more. The problem is that they just don't know how to be gentle enough at that age so as not to hurt an infant. It takes some time and you have to be very careful about watching them until big brother realizes his own strength and starts to learn what is and is not okay to do with baby brother. If I wasn't right there watching, I would put my littlest one in either the swing or the exersaucer because my daughter could have hurt him just by falling on him unintentionally (she's pretty clumsy!) and I just didn't feel comfortable leaving him exposed sitting on the floor unless I was right there. It gets better and easier the older they get. My youngest is 13 months old now and has been walking since 9 months, so he can "hold his own" so to speak and sister has gotten a lot more gentle now that there has been more time to adjust. Definitely try to spend some one on one time with the older one while baby is napping (during morning nap, I usually try to do a craft or practice art or writing with my daughter). Also, spend time talking to your older son about what it means to be gentle and how babies don't know what they're doing yet (i.e. baby can't be mean, he doesn't know what mean is). Good luck! It sure is an adjustment having two (for everyone!), but it gets easier, I promise!

Some good advice has already been posted, but I wanted to add a couple things. First, your 3 year old most likely did not really do it because Ayden was "being mean." I could go into the details about this, but it is quite lengthy. More than likely, your reaction told him he did something wrong, and he probably knows kids do things wrong when others are mean to them. My daughter is also 3 and I have a new baby, too. She also likes to cover the baby and climb on top, too. I know she loves her baby brother, and I know that she doesn't understand that doing this will hurt her baby brother. I would need to know more specifics to be able to say this definitively, but unless someone taught your 3 year old about suffocation, he did not mean any harm. I know my daughter doesn't mean to harm the baby because she also likes to jump on her stuffed animals, too. It's just a game to them, like peek-a-boo. After seeing her do this, I have made it a point to convey to her that it will hurt the baby and it makes mommy sad when she hurts the baby. (NOT mad!) I do not think that this incident alone means he is acting out. Yes, there are going to be jealousy issues since your attention is being split between them, but it is not enough to make me worry. As long as you are demonstrating love and making an effort to give your older child lots of attention, then I would not worry. I make an effort to involve my oldest in helping with the baby, too. For bathtime, bring two washcloths. Let the older one help spoon feed when you feed the baby solids. (It does get messy, but my daughter feels so important when she can help me!) Good luck!

I think your son did that because- well he is three. You can't expect good judgement and good impulse control - or a good grasp on reality- from a kiddo that age.

When my youngest was a baby, I popped her in the playpen or her crib to physically separate her from her big brother whenever I couldn't closely supervise them (like when cooking dinner). Even when my son was happy with the baby, he could still lovingly try to squish her, carry her, or try to pop raisins or Goldfish in her mouth (before she was even eating solids!).

It wasn't until my youngest was around 18 months that I was able to relax my guard somewhat.

If you are concerned about possible jealousy issues the book Siblings without Rivalry has some good sugguestions about how to get kiddos to play cooperatively.

As you know, your 3yo does not understand the consequences to his actions so you will need to keep a close eye on them. I would also not be so quick to have them "play" together - 5 months and 3years is a HUGE difference. In a year of so this difference will not be so great.

You should explain to your 3you why he shouldn't do this and continue to reiterate to him until he understands. You should also try to make time for just you and your 3yo - it's possible some of this is jealousy acting out and he wants his Mommy back. Explain to him that you are a Mommy to both of them and you love them the same, etc.

My cousin was the same way with her brother when he was a baby; she stopped doing things to him after a few times.

I will say to you what I used to tell my 6 yr old when he asked me why his 3 yr old brother was acting that way. "he is 3, that's why" I would caution you not to assume that Gavin is doing this from some conscious or unconscious jealousy issue. I am sure Ayden was "mean to him" in some way and he just reacted to that. I would definately not trust him alone with his brother, but not because of this incident, just because his is 3 yrs old, and 3 yr old are impulsive creatures. I would also make sure that every time something like this happens (and it will happen again) try to remain calm and as soon as you make sure the baby is fine and calm, you calmy (without anger) explain to Gavin that Ayden is just a baby and did not mean to (fill in the blank). In this particular incident I would find out what mean thing Ayden did. Maybe he didn't answer him when Gavin asked him something (mean to me). I would then explain to Gavin that a 5 months old baby is unable to answer, even though you want him to and was not trying to be mean. Please don't let people tell you that Gavin is too young to talk straight to. He will get it. It won't mean that he will not still have times he gets mad and strikes out at Ayden. Just remember Gavin is 3 and sometimes that is the only explanation. Deep breath and keep smiling!!

C.,

Gavin is a normal 3 yr old. I have worked with twos and three year olds for over 20 years. He feels threatened, and you can just make him feel assured that you love him just as much as you did before Ayden was born. You and your husband should take time out for just him every now and then to strenghthen that reassurance. Gavin also must be given a firm "no", timeout disciple or whatever action you feel is right for him whenever he tries to hurt Ayden.
Gavin must not ever get away with hurting his brother, because family must love each other. Some children differ with their acting out, some last a little while, while some may take more time, just love him and be loving firm though. He's acting very normal.

Hi C.,
It is obvious your older child does not realize the baby is only playing- and not being mean- but i would be very careful not to leave them both unattended again. If your older child still exhibits anger (even tho it seems innocent) get him professional help.
It will also help to spend more one on one time with the older one and talk to him a lot about his feelings if you can...little ones can exhibit anxieties in a lot of different ways.
I am sure they will be fine as soon as the older one begins to realize he should be a protector of his little brother.
good luck and blessings

At 3 Gavin is too young to understand that whatever Ayden did was not with the intention of being mean. Gavin will react from a purely self centered point of view. Children at this age are unaware they are not the only sentient beings in the world, they literally think the world revolves around them and are quite incapable of thinking otherwise until around 7 when they 'get it'. This is just how human development proceeds.
3yr olds cannot handle long explanations. They need clear consistent rules for behavior.
You'll just have to deal with each incident firmly and quickly. In a firm voice tell Gavin (at the time of the incident) DON'T DO THAT, that is unacceptable. Give him another option, if Ayden does something he doesn't like Gavin must come to you immediately and tell you so you can deal with the situation. So he knows what to do, and what not to do.
Pick a calm time and tell Gavin what to do for the future. Use as few words as possible. Repeat this a few times at different opportunities until he remembers. In a very loving cuddly way, make it a very happy positive thing he needs to do to help Mom and Dad. Focus on the positive and use the negative telling off only when necessary. Praise him when he gets it right but be specific and dont go overboard, you dont want him running to you every 5 mins telling you what Ayden's doing! You are communicating your expectations of behavior, it's a very powerful thing!
This should work, and may 3 days to a few weeks. Until you are confident its worked you'll just have to watch and be aware of what's happening.
Good luck!

Relax. This is totally normal behavior. I once found my oldest put a pillow over his baby brother. Talk about scary! I did not freak out, but I did sternly tell his that we do not put pillows over people heads. I never had any trouble after that. My Middle one also tried to choke the youngest (I have 3 boys) and the same thing- we never put our hands around someone else's neck!

Acknowledge his feelings. They are real. Help him deal with those feelings. Do not hang this over his head. Don't ignore it, but don't put too much stock into it. He is way too young to really understand what could have happened.

By all means, spend some alone time with him. Take him to one of the kids movies that are out right now (up may not hold his attention). This will most likely be the only time this happens until they are older and wrestling on the livingroom floor!

Good Luck!