Need Some Perspective - Friendship in Danger

I'm not sure why people think teenagers are naturally "manipulative and deceitful", mine are not.

But if I felt my teen daughter was unsafe, or behaving unacceptably living in another country without me, I would bring her home.

Problem solved.

She's your kid, it's up to you (and only you) to see that she's parented in the way you see fit. It's up to your godchild's parents to see that she's parented in the way THEY see fit, not you.

:)

Your child is overseas behaving poorly, but your concern is with your adult friendship? I think the focus is in the wrong place.

My concern here would not be with the adult friend.

My concern would be my own daughter and whatever behavior she is picking up from her "god-sister" as well as behavior she is showing toward her aunt and grandparents.

I think your sister either is a total saint or had zero idea what she was getting into by taking two teens into her home. She probably expected a minimum of respect. But both girls can say, "You're not my mom" and carry on with the behaviors.

I would reel my child in. Overseas stay is done. She has to earn her time abroad by behaving appropriately while there, and she isn't doing that. If it were just her, alone, you would have more of a shot at long-distance threats and saying "One more chance" but I think having two of them there together means your authority from so far away is undermined; she has her buddy there and they support each other.

If you are still worried that pulling your child back home would hurt your friendship with this other mom -- please, reconsider your priorities.

I am surprised your sister has not told both you and the other mom, "We're done and they need to come home now."

ADDED after SWH: I did see that you set boundaries for your kid but how can she realistically "run everything by" you from another country? As long as she and her friend are there as a pair, your daughter is going to be torn between what she knows, as a basically good kid, that she should do, and what she feels she should do out of friendship and loyalty to her peer. If there were not another teen in the mix here, that would be different. But unless the other girl gets reined in or sent home, I would worry that my daughter was conflicted by her presence. Your child should not lose an opportunity because of her friend's behavior, true. The best solution would be for your goddaughter to come home, frankly, and let your child be with her family overseas.

Sounds to me like they need to come home. If your sister can not handle them they should not be over there.

So let me see if I understand this. Two teenagers are staying abroad for a year and are not being respectful? And I'm including yours in this as well. It sounds like both girls are not behaving and appreciating the experience they are getting. My thoughts? They come home. I would explain to both of them that this will not be tolerated and if not corrected they will be coming home immediately.

I would send an e-mail to your friend and tell her that both girls are getting a last chance and if their behavior does not improve they will be coming home.

Personally, this conversation should not have come from you. It should have come from your sister. It sounds like both girls are having behavioral issues with your family.

For the record, most teenagers don't lie and manipulate. If that is what your daughter is doing, you have bigger issues than your friend being upset with you.

You essentially chastized your friend for a lack of parenting and then suggested ways to parent better. You made it clear that you don't believe she's doing a good job of parenting or disciplining. Of course she's upset.

And let's call it like it is. Those girls need to come home if they're behaving the way that they are. They're being disrespectful and deceitful, not to mention ungrateful for the opportunity that they've been given.

Speak to your daughter directly about her behavior and give her one last chance to shape up, and tell her that she's to behave on her absolute best behavior or she'll be coming home within two days. Then I would apologize to your sister and your friend. You're not there to actually see the situation or handle the behaviors, so criticizing your friend like that was out of line.

Your friend may be too insecure to handle anything that sounds remotely like criticism, for some reason. She may not even have heard what you actually said. She may have heard something else. You know how people are. What A thinks she said, what B thinks A said, and what A actually said can be three different things. Let your friend go for a while. She may need time to process.

Meanwhile, if it were my daughter abroad playing tricks on the people who are hosting her, I would let her know that I know what's going on and she'll be on the first plane back home if she doesn't start respecting the adults.

If you think your daughter is getting up to trouble and doesn't have adequate supervision, then you need to end her time abroad and bring her home now.

Otherwise, you need to trust your sister and parents and let them handle it. As for your friend, unless she asks you for an opinion, don't give one. An apology is required to patch the rift you made.

I suggest that she's feeling defensive. Sounds like you were trying to tell her to be more active in setting boundaries for her daughter. You hit too close to the truth. On some level she knows she needs to be more involved but perhaps she doesn't know how. By complaining she is getting the attention off of herself and on to you. You're wrong. She's right. sort of thinking.

It may also be that she is more lenient and doesn't see this as much of a problem as you do. Add that to a sense of feeling criticized and you have an angry friend.

A more mature way of her acting would be to ask you how she can help, to tell you she felt criticized so that the two of you could work it out. But she didn't do that. I would stop trying to contact her. There is nothing you can do. She has to work this out for herself.

Sorry, but not all teens lie. In fact, most don't. They are taking advantage of a situation. If they are not mature enough to handle being abroad for a year (at 14 they are not in my opinion), then they need to come home.

You need to apologize to your friend. You spoke negatively about her child and she is upset about it. What you said is irrelevant. How she "received it" is what is important right now. If she won't take your calls, send her an email letting her know that you are sorry that she was hurt by your comments. Clarify that you do not think her child is a "bad kid" and that you were concerned about the reports you were getting about both kids from your sister.

Leave it at that and give it some time.

apologize.
if you want to salvage the friendship, apologize. period.
you may have a gazillion good reasons for feeling the way you do, your observations on her parenting may be spot on, she may be a total wuss who lets her daughter walk all over her.
but you criticized her parenting without her asking. NO one likes that.
and instead of blaming the girls, who are behaving badly, you blamed her parenting.
teenagers are not 'want' (it's wont) to lie and manipulate. and if they are lying to achieve their own ends, it's malicious. they need to be yanked home now.
if you are angry with her, if you blame her parenting, then you need to take the time she is giving you and rethink the friendship. if her friendship is important enough to keep no matter what, apologize sincerely for offending her (which you did, whatever your intentions) and don't comment on her parenting any more unless she asks.
khairete
S.

She might not have that much control over what her daughter does.
In her place, it might be easier to deflect worry, missing her, etc by being mad at you and your daughter who I'm sure she feels is leading her into trouble.
If she's the kind of parent who never set boundaries, then I'm sure she's blaming everyone around her daughter for her behavior.

Lying, manipulative, deceitful and not sharing information is not something my 14 yr old does and if he did - especially while living with a relative abroad for a year - I'd be having him shipped back home ASAP on the next plane so I could apply some guidance up close and in person and that whole living abroad experiment would be OVER.

I"m changing my answer-- the more I think about this, if both girls are lying and being manipulative, they BOTH come home. It's really that simple. Maybe you feel they are wont to lie and twist things around for their own benefit and see that as 'normal'-- and I agree that they might 'try this' with their own parents, but to subject their kind hosts to this behavior is ridiculous. The best lesson learned for both girls is "wow, you have shown us that you were not mature enough for this very gracious privilege, so you come home immediately". It's one thing to let our kids have a great experience abroad-- it's another entirely to pawn off misbehaving kids onto guardians who are being challenged by their behavior. You and your friend BOTH need to back your family up and get the girls home. Now.

(By the way-- if I thought my child were being 'ill treated' then they'd be coming home ASAP. And there's a huge difference in 'making mistakes' and deliberately lying. That's not rocket science.)

You are telling us that you set boundaries, yet this woman does not set them for herself or her child. What you typed shows that you think low of her parenting and I am sure your friend picked up on this (i did). Also, her daughter is the outsider. If each girl was having alone time with the aunt it would be better. I would separate them (grandmother take one and aunt with the other until they settle down a bit). How much longer anyway? I feel bad for your sister.

The fact that you are the godmother doesn't mean much. I have seen grandparents treat one grandchild as if she is the second coming of christ and another like they are the devil's baby. Throwing out titles is not going to help. Letting her know that you wanted her daughter to experience time aboard with your family will remind your friend that you think enough of her daughter to include her in an amazing (hopefully) adventure and bonding time with your family. Are they far (Europe) or close (Canada)? Can your friend fly out and and say she will need to shape up or ship out?

Why on earth did she send her daughter? So she can have a break, maybe for your daughter to have a friend?

ADD: I am trying to be devil's advocate to help with your friendship. Also, I do not have teens, but I am really surprised by all the parents stating how unusual their behavior is (lying to do things they are not supposed to do). I assumed I will have to watch for this when my 6 and 3 year olds are teens. Heck I used to sneak out, say I was sleeping as Jen's house to go to a party with Kate and I was a 'good' kid who got good grades, went to church, was a virgin all through HS, and never did drugs.

I would bring my daughter home.
I'm all for traveling abroad and having world experiences but 14 is a pretty crucial time in a child's life and a year is way too long, IMO.
She needs YOUR influence and guidance now.

I think your bigger problem is that you've let your 16 year old daughter and her friend live in a different country for a year with no real supervision. REALLY?!? I care more about my child than that. Maybe start there.

Your sister took responsibility ot your godchild abroad? Why??

Your friend is badmouthing you and your sister. Have I got this right? Your sister is trying to deal with your friend's daughter, is being lied to and manipulated, and your friend has the audacity to complain about it?

Tell your sister to ship that girl back to her mother. I will tell you flat out that I would not put up with this scenario, a mom who is ungrateful for all the work I would be doing taking care of her child.

Perhaps without this girl with your daughter, your sister can more easily rein in her own niece. If not, you need to bring your daughter home.

I think that you need to take the blinders off where your "friend" is concerned. She's not much of a friend. From what is happening here, she's a user, and you are seeing an ugly side of her you probably didn't know existed.

Let her deal with her daughter's bad behavior. Once she has to actually deal with this stuff ON HER OWN, she may regret the things she said about you and your sister.

If you and your sister allow this continue, all you will be doing is teaching this girl that it's okay to treat people the way her mother is treating you and your sister, and she'll think it's perfectly fine for her to use people and trash them too. Enough already...

They need to come home.i don't think your friend can parent a teenager with love and boundaries because she doesn't equate the two. She thinks if you set boundaries then you don't love the child. Poor child. That's why she said it like she did, that you don't love her child and think she is bad. She has some things mixed up. She is an all or nothing person. That's not going to change. Her daughter needs to come home.

You can not change her. You need to stop trying. Give it till the end of the school year. Experiment is over.

Stop making excuses for them. They are LYING!!!

Sorry - but if they are lying and being deceitful? They need to come home. They lost the opportunity or chance to do something exciting - learn about another culture, live in it!!

You need to call your sister and arrange for the kids to come home. Your friend? She's got her head in the sand when it comes to her child. She sees her as perfect and can do no wrong - that's why she stated her daughter was being "ill-treated" and such. She believes her daughter's "sob stories" and refuses to acknowledge that her daughter is culpable in anything "wrong".

Write one last e-mail - "Dear Jane. I am making arrangements for the girls to come home. I have scheduled them on flight 000 from where ever they are. If you would like to meet me at the airport to greet them, I am leaving at X time. If not. Once they clear customs, I will bring Mary to you."

After that -
Stop calling.
Stop e-mailing.
Stop apologizing for HER not understanding you.

Good luck!

Sounds like they need to come home now! Non negotiable.

She may feel that you are judging her and her style of parenting. You and she should NOT be parenting teens overseas. Each of you need to send a list of 'allowed/not allowed' activities and experiences to your sister. You sister should then sit down with each teen and discuss the lists.

Your sister as the host parent should be setting the guidelines, restrictions and punishments.

As for your friendship. Let it be. She will simmer down and then will respond or contact you. At all costs, you need to keep this friendship limping along until both girls are stateside.

I also like the idea of lying and manipulating = a trip home asap.

Clearly there is different opinions here as to how to raise teens and what is actually going on with your sis and the girls. Maybe she's the type to bury her head in the sand? She probably doesn't realize the potential here for trouble - and now days it doesn't take much for someone to be in trouble for a slight misunderstanding or indiscretion.

It may be hard, but for now you need to give it some space and let it go. You've explained yourself to her, let her do what she will with it. Your sister is the one in charge since the girls live with her. Sounds like she's bitten off more than she can chew. She might want to seek help, guidance from others around her. The girls need to be re-directed into something worthy of their time. Sounds like they need a sense of gratitude too -- it's not everyone that gets to live in another country. Maybe your sister needs to expect more of herself and them by doing things to help others. I'm sure it wouldn't be hard to set that up. If she puts her mind to it she can find all kinds of things the kids could get involved in and hopefully prevent a potential troubling situation.

Your friend isn't going to help at this point since she sees no reason for it. It may be that she has chosen to respond in this way bc she doesn't know how to deal with it and chooses to believe there is no problem and so turns it on to you. She doesn't have the insight to be respectful or respond like an adult should or would. I'd let it go for now. I know it hurts and you didn't say her daughter was bad. Shes acting out of her own emotional, psychological misunderstandings based on things you have no control over.

If you believe in prayer, pray. Pray for each one and the whole situation, put it in Light and let it go and step back. This will bring some clarity.

It is said every thought is a prayer.

The best to you and your's