Need Some Opinions!!

Hi T., I know how you feel. I am going to be 34 and my son is 8 yrs old. I want another child for several reasons. My husband has 4 brothers and I have 3 sisters. I couldn't bare for my son to be all alone in this world if anything happened to us. But also for now, I talk to my sisters everyday, I don't know what my life would be like without them in it. We aren't the closest family in the world but when I need to talk they are there. My husband and I agreed to have another child and now he has decided that he doesn't want another. It is really hard to deal with. I feel like he has cheated me in some way. As much as I love my husband, I feel like he has stolen a piece of my life. I feel like it's not fair that he just changed his mind. It's not like not getting the house you want or a new car...it's a child. It's huge.

I also try to understand my husband's point of view. I think his biggest worry is financial. But I know so many people who had 3 or more children that couldn't afford it and somehow they managed. I am willing to sacrifice but I'm don't think that he is. My son is also at the stage in his life when he and dad are best friends and my husband doesn't seem to get that someday soon my son will not want anything to do with us. His friends are going to come first. Teenagers don't want to stay home and play football with their dad. I think my husband needs this too. I think he is going to regret it if we don't have another. But I can't get through to him.

I think we should both sit down with our significant others and discuss the reasons we do and do not want another. And also the pros and cons to having another. It's really hard because there is no compromise. You either have a child or not. I feel your pain.

Hi T.,
OK, not sure how to word this without sounding condescending...but is your relationship secure enough to bring in another child? I am not saying that every one has to be married to be secure but when it comes to having children and children being involved...well...now he is all of a sudden changing his mind? Try talking to him when things are calm and see how he truly feels. Look at your relationship and make sure it is secure and that you will be together in the long run. I want to say more but that is the gist of it.
Good luck and God Bless!
Christina

What's the rush!! I don't know if your boyfried has other children, but if he doesn't the reality of a baby can be a little unnerving to any new parent and maybe he just wants to wait awhile before adding to your family. Alot of times men are looking at the financial aspect of a family are your two financially comfortable enough to have another child? Maybe he just needs some time and if he is a good man and you truly love him then talk to him. Sounds like he is still adjusting to the REALITY of a baby and may be a little unsure if he can handle another one. Listen to what he is saying to you about how he feels about the situation, you don't want to threaten the relationship in the pursuit of your own desires. You are only going on 31, though I can understand you want your children close in age and you may feel you want to have them prior to reaching a certain age, don't rush. Enjoy the time you have as a family and take some of the pressure off of your boyfriend. The little baby brother or sister for your son will come, it doesn't HAVE to be right now.

Good luck!

It has to be both your decisions to have a child odviously. I wouldn't think that you would want to break up with him, for that reason alone. Maybe he just doesn't want anymore right now. He may or may not change his mind. You can't keep bugging him about it, or that will make it worse. If you have a good relationship, it shouldn't matter.

Hi T.,

I want to tell you that, before you decide to walk away, spend some time considering how this would affect your son. I watched my boyfriend go through a custody battle that lasted over a year with his soon-to-be ex-wife and it is something that you really don't want to go through if you don't have to. It is also so hard on the child. No child deserves to have to be shuffled back and forth between homes (in our case, between states as well) and swapping holidays. Luckily for us, we won the battle, but the shuffling and swapping goes on. It is so important to make sure that the person you have a child with is the person you want to stay with forever. If your relationship is stable, and you and your boyfriend are happy, keep all this in mind before you take the next step. Having another child with someone else so your son will have a sibling may not be worth all the back and forth to different houses, and the children looking for an explanation as to why things are this way. If you can keep your family all under one roof and can be happy and fulfilled that way, that may be the best thing to do. I hope this helps...

A.

I think the thing you need to do is to sit down and really think about why you want another child. Once you have done that,you need to DISCUSS with him his reasons for NOT wanting another child. When my husband lost his mother to breast cancer, we both looked at how much support we recieved from family. We shuttered to think about what it would be like without a sibling to help us through that. We decided at that time, we wanted another child, because we did not want our daughter to be "alone" after we are gone. On the other hand, the first two to three years of childhood are very hard on a parent. Their total dependence on you and your boyfriend can be tiresome to say the least. We waited till my daughter was 3 and a half before we tried for another. It gave us some time to enjoy our daughter before we added all that confusion back into our life. I was 30 before having my first child too, so I understand your clock is ticking, but you should have many more years of your child bearing life left. Is your boyfriend an only child? maybe he doesn't know what it is like to have a sibling, or maybe he needs to be reminded how wonderful it is to have a brother or sister. Maybe he has commitment issues and bringing another child into the picture, somehow complicates things for him. Before you just give up on him, and move on, you owe it to your FAMILY to dig deep and find out WHY at the very least. I am sure it is not easy to find a man who wants to have ready made family and ADD to it right away. And I know it would be really tough to raise a child alone. Think about your son. Yes, your wishes to have another child are important. You say you want him to have a brother or sister. I bet if you could ask your son the following question; "Do you want a brother or a sister, or do you want your daddy?" He probably would pick his daddy first. Maybe you should look into strengthing your relationship, for example marriage, before you add more to it. I understand that not everyone believes in marriage, but.... Strengthen the foundation before you build, so to speak. Find out what his values are and how they compare to yours. Good luck in what ever you decide. I also recommend you read Dr. Phil's book family first. I think it would help you figure out how to sort out your priorities a little. I hope this helps

Hi T.,
First and foremost, DO NOT have a child w/someone, ANYONE just b/c you want a brother/sister for your little boy!!! If you love you boyfriend like you say you do, then it needs to be a mutual agreement to have another child. If he is having 2nd thoughts about another baby, you really need to evaluate your relationship with him and whether your love for him is worth not having another baby or not. If you love him so much, would you leave him just to "settle" for someone else to have a kid with just b/c you want another baby? This is a very serious topic and you really need to put not only your feelings into consideration, but those of your boyfriend's and also your son's! I think this is something you both need to sit down and really discuss, as a couple! I wish you the best of luck!