I Want Another Baby.... - Arlington,TX

Until you become important enough to this guy to become his wife and not just his "girlfriend," I would nix the idea of more children with him. Been there...

If he does not want another child, I would highly recommend not trying to create another at this time. A child is such an important little being, as you already know, he/she deserves committed parents.
Take Care,
~K.

Maybe try to sound funny when he says "we have 3" - my responce would be, "Cool - so if you and I ever split up you are signing over custody of them to me! I love them so much that would be great - when are you preparing the paperwork?!" OR "if something happens to you, no matter how much I love them (his 2 kids) doesn't stop the fact that they will live with their mom and I may never see them."

"From: Melanie G Date: Mon. Jan. 21, 2008
I think you need to tell him how you feel... selfish or not.... otherwise you might one day regret not telling him. Let him know how important it is to you. Then you have to be prepared for the fact that he may not want any more regardless of how you feel. If he does agree to another, knowing how important it is to you, then fabulous. If not, then you know two things... 1 - You will only have one of your own children and 2- that your boyfriend (notice he doesn't marry you) isn't quite as intrested in making you happy as he might should be."" R. i have to agree with this statement tell him your feelings selfish or not... it is important for him to know that you think and treat his children as your own but reality is they are not yours... In the future you will be much happier if you speak up now... and as far as you wanting to have another before marriage hey that is yyour business and noone else.. Everyone doesn't want to be married but it does set a good example for children to follow..

I think you need to tell him how you feel... selfish or not.... otherwise you might one day regret not telling him. Let him know how important it is to you. Then you have to be prepared for the fact that he may not want any more regardless of how you feel. If he does agree to another, knowing how important it is to you, then fabulous. If not, then you know two things... 1 - You will only have one of your own children and 2- that your boyfriend (notice he doesn't marry you) isn't quite as intrested in making you happy as he might should be.

I find it interesting that so many people are quick to tell you that you are right to want another child and need to impress on your boyfriend (I won't even go to the marriage issue even though I yearn to....) your desire. He is a person too and his desires and opinions count as much as yours. Did the two of you talk before getting together and creating one child about how many kids you wanted? If not, you cannot really complain that he is finished. You can state your wishes, but you cannot force someone else to have more children just because you want more. That is not what relationships are about- they are about compromise and respect of each others feelings (and it goes both ways.)

I see you are getting a lot of responses running the gamut from the marriage question to telling you you're not being selfish. Somewhere in the middle you'll find the answer. While I firmly believe children are best raised in a 2-parent, married couple home, that's not what you and you're boyfriend have chosen for now. Whether you are married or not, you cannot be in a relationship for what you can "get" out of it, or you will be unhappy & always looking for ways to be fulfilled, whether it's another baby, a ring, a better job, a bigger house, a nicer car, etc. etc...When I married my husband, he had a son, and because of the pain he went through with his divorce and custody battles, he really did not want any more children. I had to decide if I could deal with that, and I settled it in my heart...our relationship had to come first. Then, about a year into our marriage, he shocked me one day right after my 34th birthday and said, "Look, I'm not getting any younger. We better have a baby now, if you think you want one at all." I never mentioned it, asked about it, nagged, or anything. I had let it go. And, he came around. Now, almost 10 years later, we have our precious little girl who is the light of our lives, and a grown son who is a great, great guy. If your boyfriend isn't there yet, don't push it. Let it go, and let things happen in their own time. If it doesn't happen, it's not meant to be.

I think it's interesting that people are writing to give you advice on marriage, when that's not what you asked for advice on. Anyway, I think the desire to have another baby is natural and not selfish if your desire is for the right reasons. First, I wouldn't hint, I would find a time to have a 'Talk" with your boyfriend. Don't start with your desire, but talk about why he doesn't want another child in a non defensive way. Is it money, is it the extra time and attention to that goes into a newborn. Are there things in his career/job that that a baby would cause him to miss out on. Does he feel he doesn't have enough of your time? It could be any host of reasons. Depending on what the reason is, then you have to decide if you can live with it, is it temporary or really the way he feels. If your desire outweights what you are willing to accept from him, then you have to move on. I would pray on it and don't make any decisions for a month after the talk. Good luck! D.

You need to be honest with him and tell him how you really feel about having another baby that is yours and his. Try to choose a time to talk when you are away from others stresses and the other children, like at a restaurant on a "date night". Good luck!

All you moms out there who are responding to the fact that she is not married - please pay attention to the question. She asked for advice on having a family addition - not your personal opinions on her marital status. I am married with a beautiful 5 month old little boy, but just because a couple isn't married, doesn't mean they can't be caring, loving, incredible parents.

All I know is that children truly are a gift and deserve as many loving, committed people in their lives as they can have. I would keep discussing this with your boyfriend, and hopefully he will come to understand how important it is to you. Congrats! It sounds like you are a good mom to all.....

R. .... I see that an extremely KEY element has been left out of your plan to have another child. Are you planning on marriage ?? It is extremely worrisome that you are setting an improper and imoral example for the children currently living with you. You are raising the children who are "our future". Perhaps you and your boyfriend should discuss more important issues and be the example that your children in your home need you to be right now. Then take that step toward more children with him.

Dear R.,

There's a communication technique used by yogis, shamans, and wise counselors: the question reveals the answer. You ask if you are being selfish, because on some level you KNOW you are. You KNOW there's more to it.

Regarding your 'stepchildren' you say you love them dearly, just like your own. By saying this you indicate that you have adopted them in your heart, in which case: it's no surprise, you and your man indeed have 3 children!

Your boyfriend is simply reiterating that reality that you two have created: a family with three children. And def from his perspective, that's alot of responsibility! A tremendous responsibility.

Adoptive parents share no genetics with their children, and believe me, they consider themselves parents of their children!

So, (don't believe anything I say, check it out with your intuition) I'm wondering if this longing for another baby, on top of 3 kids and an outside job, could be more about filling the void for something that's missing in your relationship with yourself, or partnership (such as a lack of cocreative energy, or a marriage commitment ceremony), or a craving for more emotional intimacy. Maybe you need to be seeing reassurance of your relationship, because, ideally we would consciously create or adopt new life because of having just too much love for the current family, an overflow of energy that needs a new child to invest in.

It's a great opportunity for personal growth right now, and perhaps going to a new level with your BF. It's NOT a time to go about creating a new life to avoid this challenging time in your maturation as a woman. In fact, that would be really suboptimal conditions for a new child to come into this world with.

Maybe your job isn't really working for you... maybe your creative endeavors deserve more attention and development... whatever it is, you can figure it out.

What I see happening in situations where women go and conceive that 'extra child' without the conscious alignment with the father is just a big mess, and it often takes 5-10 years for women to admit they were selfish, after the fact. You can save yourself that trouble.

Hope this helps!

Things like this that pull a lot of emotional heart strings will only tend to fester over time when they are not talked about. Especially big ones, and this is certainly a big one. Talk it out.

How? Frankly, concisely and without blame. You talk about your feelings on the matter and your heart's desires. Don't pussy-foot around the issue. Just maturely be the best friends you can be to each other and TALK.

Something to think about. The teens won't be home forever. And your youngest will suddenly feel pretty alone when they go. It's hard on the youngest with adult siblings. Having another child is an emotional consideration, depending on your family and community life, for your youngest. I know several kids, right now, who are in this boat and as one of my daughter’s friends has asked her parents lately, did you ever consider I might need someone to grow up with too?

Doesn't mean the whole decision should be made based on that. There are so many factors to consider, including your finances. And yes, I can see your boyfriend's point of view too. He may even be thinking of his age by the time they are grown. And just how many kids can you afford to send to college? My parents started new families when they divorced during my college years. One planned to have more kids and the other had a "surprise." At 65, Dad has had to constantly think now of whether he will live to see my little sister at 10 and youngest 6 year old little brother go to college. And does he have the finances to both send kids to college and care for his aging health? And it leaves my adult brother and I having to be prepared to be god-parents should something happen to one of our parents before our siblings grow up.

Now, you are probably not that close to retirement! But there's a lot to consider in a decision like this. Maybe sharing this will help bring out details you’ll want to consider as you find your direction on this issue.

If it pulls on your heart, do not ignore it. No matter your decision together, you need to talk. Yes, ideally it should have been before now. But now is better than never. He needs to know how important this feels to you. Or someday you may resent him for it and if he didn’t know, what could he have done? Don’t expect him to read your mind. I don’t know of too many men who ever dare try.

As long as you talk it all out, even if the decision is no, your relationship will only be the better for it. And it may be a conversation over time. Don't expect one talk will make it all go away. Communication is a process, as well as sorting through emotions and things like this. You may have to talk again down the road, and that's actually not just OK, but healthy.

Blessings...

You aren't being selfish at all! I have three and want one more myself!! =) Just try to explain that while you love his other two you want one more that is your own. I completely understand.

R. I dont think that its nothing wrong with wanting another baby,but I do think that you should wait another year.Im the type of mother that thinks that every woman needs at least 2 children.You already know that she has other sibblings,but if she had another sibbling by the same mother and father they will be a lot closer.If anything happens to the both of you im sure your 2 kids will have each other to lean on.And just think the other kids are distance in age.At least your daughter will have a play mate.Im a mother of 3 kids 27,18,&17 they are so very close to each other.My 18 and 17 year old still go in the store and get things for each other.I think that its ok to have another baby.

just tell him that you want your little girl to have a close in age sibling. That way you get a baby with out it being all about "yours" and "mine" and "full" and "half" If his two have a close relationship then use that and their closeness in age as an example of what you mean and if they don't then tell him you want that close sibling bond for your daughter b/c in a few years all the other kids will be off at college and she will basically be and only child. My lil sister is 15 yrs younger than me and while i love her to death we don't have a sister relationship more of a mom and daughter relationship b/c of the age difference. I'm all grown up and have a kid of my own and she's still in 3rd grade!
hth

R., talk to your boyfriend and explain that it is really important for you to have another baby; that Kiersten and James are much older and soon they'll be off to college and you would like Addysen to have a sibling to grow up with close in age. If he loves you he will listen to your yearnings. It is not selfish. My husband was in law school and I was staying at home when we had #7. The next closest sibling was 7 yrs older. I told my husband we needed to have another one as I didn't want Bella growing up as an only child. He was like "we are very blessed, we have 7!" I kept bringing it up as I didn't want the next one to be too far apart and I wanted to be done by the time I was 40. We had a wonderful time on a European vacation and afterwards I kept insisting how important it was to me and he said okay! So now we have 8 and we're done. Open up your heart to him. Good luck and God bless.

Maybe you should start by asking yourself, if you and your boyfriend were to split up, would you maintain contact with your step-children? If so (which I suspect to be the case), then you truly love your step-children as your own, and you BOTH have 3 three children. I suggest that you address the situation as wanting a fourth child to complete your family unit. Try focusing on the positives a new baby would bring to all of you and present these positives to your boyfriend. This really has to be joint decision.

A little about me: Full-time grad student, mother of four; oldest child (16) from a previous marriage, younger three (11, 9, 7)from my current marriage. Very happy, always learning....

You should tell him how you feel and have a fair discussion about another child. I agree with what a previous post said about growing up with siblings. My husband and I have 2 girls together (ages 6 and 2) and he has 2 boys from a previous marriage. (ages 11 & 13) I think my oldest would be a little lonely when her brothers werent here if it were not for baby sister. I love to watch them play together and grow up together. I always felt that I wanted 2 of my own and it worked out for us. That being said, it may not be the right thing for your situation but it should definately be discussed. You will regret it later if not. Good Luck!

Dear R., This is a mother of one and grandmother of two responding. I too wanted more than one baby, but sometimes it's not right. If you were married, had an official commitment, and were a stay-at-home mom to be there to raise your children, I might recommend further discussion. However, even in that situation, both parents need to be totally committed to another child to successfully raise that child. If it's obvious that your "boyfriend" feels he's completed his family, let it go. I am thrilled and proud of my one adult child. Put your energies into doing the right thing with the one you have. Best wishes, Jude

I kinda know how you feel, because I have been having the same conversation with my husband. He has a son from his last relationship, and we have two kids together. I have always wanted to have 3 kids (although right now I might be finished after just having 2):) but it still bugs me when ever he says "I already have 3 kids"! Remind him that you haven't given birth to all three kids. It's something special when you get to carry that baby for 9 months, and also that is part of both of you together. I don't think you're being selfish to want to have another baby of your own.

In theory, you should've discussed this before you had the first baby. My hubby has a 9 year old daugther. Before we got married, but once we knew we were headed that way, we discussed kids. We were both very honest. I would like to have 2. He didn't want to conceive any more children after 40 (he's 8 years older than me). Neither of us wanted our kids less than 3 years apart. So, we compromised. If we got pg quick, we would have 2. If it took awhile for us to get pg, we would only have 1. After almost a year of trying, fertility drugs, and a miscarriage, I finally got pregnant and I have a 3 year old son.

Needless to say, we're stopping at one. This is fine with me. Would I *like* to have another? Of course, but the health of my relationship with my husband is top priority and I'm not going to go back on our agreement or shove another child down his throat just to satisfy my biological clock. I have the one I have and I support my husband in his relationship with his daugther.

Your boyfriend's argument of "I already have 3" is very valid. Let him concentrate on raising the 3 he already has.

You can voice your opinion, but if he says he doesn't want any more kids, then you need to drop it. Or go find someone else...

YOU already have 3! If you are in a relationship with someone, their kids are your kids. And you wish to have 4 - so tell him. I also have 2 older stepchildren and now 2 of my own. And "my" two are just as much "ours" as the older two (who are now 25 and 21 btw). Embrace your stepkids and watch what happens. And tell your guy that Addysen needs someone to play with her own age and living with her all the time. Good luck!

I wouldn't make it about "mine" and "yours." a better way to go about it is 'I think it would be wonderful for Our little girl to have a sibling close to her age." My husband is nine years younger then his brother and has no relationship with him. My ex boyfriend has two brothers eleven and thirteen years older. My Dad has two siblings 13 and 15 years younger then he. They all agree that having so much spacing made them pretty much 'only children.' They would have really liked having a sibling closer to them in age.

Saran mom to four girls, and married five years!

I hate to be negative, but..... Why would you want to have children with a man who will not commit to marriage? You asked if you are being selfish, yes. Your boyfriend has told you no, you need to honor his wish and be happy with what you have.

If he doesn't want one, don't have one. You're not married to him so there are all sorts of legal problems.

I have been in the same situation. My husband has a 19 year old daughter, who moved in with us at 15. Together we have a 5 year old son. I have always wanted 2 or 3 children. When we talked about it, he said we already have 2. Well, he has 2. I only have one of my own. My step-daughter and I are close and I love her like my own. But, she's an adult now. If something were to happen with her dad and I, I fear we would eventually loose contact.

I have stood my ground on wanting more. And, now that the step-daughter is out of the house and in college, he more open to having more. I have also been waiting to have more until I finish college. I just finished in Dec. So now we are talking about trying for another. I grew up in a family of 3, and loved it. But, I think now the only way I would get 3 is to have twins!

As for those who are preaching to you about getting married, I say ignore them. I am a Christian, God fearing person. But, my husband and I have been together since 1999, moved in together in 2000, had our son in 2002, and got married in 2007. Our not being married did nothing to diminish our commitment to one another. We just never got around to getting married until this past summer. We feel that we have worked out our kinks and have a very strong relationship based on family being the most important thing to us. The only thing that has changed now is I can officially have the same last name as my husband and son (which was important to me). And, I would now have to go to court to dissolve our pairing, if that were ever to happen, heaven forbid.

Good luck and stand your ground. The baby needs someone closer to her age to grow up with. Just because he already has other children does not mean that he should get to choose whether you get to have more or not.

Sorry but marriage is an issue! Where have our morals gone when we are condoning having "more" children out of wedlock? Or sex outside of wedlock for that matter? Why on earth would you want to have another child with a man that doesn't want one "and" doesn't seem to have any desire to marry you? I really am not trying to preach here, but what has our society come to when we go on planning our lives and giving advice without any biblical or moral background? God loves us and he "is" coming back for his own. I'm not going to condone sinful behavior, i am here to tell you that christ loves you and wants you for his own, he wants to give you eternal life just for believing in him. With that your life will naturally begin to change for the better and you will feel complete in him, and want to obey his laws.