Need Some Advise - Roseville, MI

I wish I had some advice, but most days I am in the same boat with you. All you can do really is try to talk to him and let him know how you feel. Maybe if you make a list of what needs to get done and together pick out the ones each will do he will feel included and not like you are telling him what to do. Good luck.

Change the locks while he's at work.

Seriously, though, kick him out. Hopefully he'll see the error of his ways and beg you to let him come back if he changes. Or, if that's too drastic, tell him very seriously and calmly that you WILL kick him out if he doesn't change. Tell him you love him and you hope he chooses change but you're sorry, you just can't live like this anymore. Counseling can be great, too, because you have a safe space, and a referee who can keep you on the reality track.

Lisa,
I use this technique with my children. If I ask them to clean their rooms or do thier home work, and they say I don't want too. Or they ignore me. Then I wait patiently until supper time. When they start whining I'm hunger where's supper. I say " Oh I don't want too. I am so sorry but I just don't feel like it tonight. I worked all day and I'm just tired, sorry guys. They get the hint and it works every time.

Hi Lisa, You know this web site can be such a blessing, but it can also be confusing when you're asking the world for advise, because you sure get some mixed signals. We look at the negative responses, like kick him out and think, "yeah that's what I want to do I'm glad someone else agrees" But I thank God for the women who bring up God in these reply's because after all who made us? Before you do anything ask yourself "What would Jesus do?' Seriously. We all face test's and challenges in life. This is one of them, and how you handle it will determine if you get to move on with joy, or keep taking it over and over. Because if you decide to opt out of this relationship, you will find yourself in another one with different problems to deal with. I always suggest 1 peter 3 in the Bible, It say's wives be submisive and show your husbands a pure gentle spirit, so they can be won over with your inner beauty, not outward. It is the last thing we want to hear when we are in a situation like this, but then again who is telling us to do it, the world, or God? Think about it. Praise your hubby in whatever way's you can think of. Thank him, show respect. sometimes we have to be creative. Ask God for patience, peace, and the wisdom to approach your hubby in a way he would have you approach him. Get involved with a church if you have not already. When you talk to your husband use the "I" not "You" approach. I feel this or that. Not "well you" Men are different creachers than us girls, they respond differntly. Our tone of voice will either turn them on or off. You can do this Lisa, you sound like a strong girl. Pray for God's strength. We can't do it on our own. I know this will work, and I am praying for you. God's blessings to you and Mike. C.

Lisa,
I really don't have an answer to this I was in the same situation my ex husband didnt do anything around the house unless I complained and complained about it. He started projects and didn't finish them. I brought home more money than him he brought home less than your husband because of child support. I paid the bills did the shopping etc. When we separated he started consoling he was diagnosis with ADHD and bi polar then it changed there was nothing wrong with him it was me according to his consoler well needless to say we got kicked out of marriage consoling because he refused to clean up the house. It was the marital home and where he lived. And it was a disaster it took 5 people 2 days to clean and pack it when we called it quits (1000 sq feet) and it still wasn't cleaned it took me another week to finish.
So with all that said I shall advise you against going on strike because if you don't like a mess you will only make it about 2 weeks then it will take you a week to catch back up if ever (I went on a trip for two weeks for my work and never caught up when I returned) Also you have to think of the kids and living in the mess (not good). Try consoling that may or may not help. Don't with hold sex to get what you want that makes it worse (he did that to me) and all the consolers will tell you that isn't a good move. What I can advise it make a chore list between you him and the kids refuse to cook dinner if he doesn't clean the kitchen take you and the kids out to eat leave him behind. Don't by his smokes for him or anything he needs make him responsible for his stuff by giving him an allowance (not funny but works). Don't do his laundry leave it to him. If you have two bathrooms use the other one with the kids leave him to his. Last resort go on a trip for work or just a vacation with out him and the kids make him see how much work it is. I don't know what else to tell you I am betting his mother took care of him and he didn't have to do anything for himself as a child (i.e. no chores no responsibility in the house. Chore Charts for Everyone. Even if you have to put pay the bills, grocery shopping go to work on it for yourself and your husband the children then know you are doing things to. Here is where I am going to give my two cents that most people don't like. DO NOT BABY YOUR CHILDREN you must teach them responsibility from a very young age they must have chores around the house there was an article in a PARENTS magazine about 7 to 8 years ago that had a chart on what they can do by age. Children who are babied and not taught responsibility or to help around the house turn out to be lazy men or women. Ask most women who complain about their husbands not helping around the house they will tell you their mothers did everything for the husband. In today’s world when both parents work everyone has to help out. Don't get me wrong there are things I will not allow the kids to do I just because I want them done a certain way and it takes me a week to retrain my youngest son when he returns from his dads house (they stay with grandma and grandpa) and I still have problems with my teen son trying to retain him to be the helpful loving child he was before I married my ex. environment is everything your children learn what they see. If mom does all the work that is what they expect. Heck it wasn't till last year my youngest understood just because I have a credit card doesn't mean I have money. His dad taught him mom has all the money she has a credit card and he loved to spend it.
I am now happier than I was when I was married. I work full time go to school ¾ time . 2 sons I Have a 4 bedroom home 5 acres 3 cow, 4 chickens, cats, rabbits, fish and dogs. There are days I don’t think I could do it with out my boyfriend than days like today when he is doing homework (I have some time at work to do mine) and I am cleaning everything and picking up I know I could do it alone.  But he at least helps out with out me yelling or asking him to. Does things I don’t ask to be done So there are men out there who do help out.

Lisa,

Here's a weird question that you may not think is relevant, but it is. Do you love yourself? Because if you don't then your relationship with your husband won't change.

Here's the reason: We all have responsibilities to our families. With some people it is harder for them to pick up those responsibilities, but they won't if they are constantly nagged, yelled at, and called hurtful names.

I belong to a free list serve that is wonderful. The website is www.flylady.net. It is a weird name, but Marla Cilley (the creator) teaches you how to learn to see the chores that need to be done as daily blessings. No, this is not an ultra-orthodox Christian website.

I used to react in much the same way you are with my husband. If I asked him to do something, it would be months before it got done and usually I was the one who broke down and finished the project. I was angry and took this out on my him. I didn't think it was fair, because as a SAHM I do everything at home and he doesn't have to do any household chores.

However, when I joined the FlyLady list-serve, Marla suggested looking at doing the dishes and laundry as blessings that you can give to your family. How wonderful it is that you can show how much you love them by making sure they have clean underwear every day, clean dishes every day, and the bills are paid every month. If you come to adopt this attitude, your home will usually become a peaceful haven. Your husband will come home to a happy wife who has done alot to care for her family. He may begin to see things he can do to help out all on his own. Suddenly one day you may notice that his dishes are not just sitting in the sink to be washed, but rinsed and in the dishwasher. Projects that need finishing will be completed without you having to ask.

It will take time, but if you really try the website and don't just dismiss it, it may help you to see why you married your husband in the first place, and save your relationship in the end.

I wish you luck and hope that your relationship improves.

-C..

Dear L. M,
WOW! I'm taking it that you had just gotten home from the drive when you decided to ask for advice. First of all, you did the right thing. You needed to vent. If all your anger had been unleashed on your husband, I think he may have felt demoralized. Although righteous anger is ok, it is best to have your emotions in tact before you discuss the situation with your husband. I think a list is the best way to go about it. Both of you make a list of what you feel your responsibilities are and go from there. If he doesn't feel he should be the one to get the tires, ask him why? Perhaps he would like the job of paying the bills to allow you more free time. However you work that part out is between you. Maybe with the money he is spending on cigarettes, you could spend an equal amount on a pleasure for you.(Hopefully not as harmful) Maybe he would like some help from his addiction.
Anyway,you can only control your responses and work on your feelings. Adopt an attitude of gratitude.(something like, at least I have a husband who makes 297.00 per week-there are a lot of women who don't have husbands and sit around so lonely)
I don't know, it kind of sounds ridiculous at first, but the more you work on thanking God for your very clever wit...tying on the wiper-shield -pretty clever) and the safety He provided you with for getting home safely..and the fact you have a job and are keeping the bills paid. AND you obviously have your health to accomplish all you do...You have an airconditioner to move inside, etc. I know this sounds rather childish, but try it for 1 week and see if your attitude changes. God likes to hear praises, especially when one is feeling so frustrated.With your positive attitude, your husband might very well awaken to the fact he has such a hard-working wife! Good Luck! MS

Hi Lisa,

One thing I've learned about marriage is that approaching situations with anger and accusations, will only cause the other person to get defensive and angry too. It's more productive to have a conversation in which you tell him how his actions make you feel. Rather than accusing him of not caring, you could say something like "When you don't help around the house, I feel like you don't care about me."

A great book for both of you to read is "The Five Love Languages of Marriage" by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. It explains how we all feel loved and show love in different ways. Your husband may feel like he's showing his love by going to work and providing a paycheck, and perhaps he can't understand why he's not appreciated. But you're not feeling loved, and you need to let him know how to fix that. And in return, make sure you're also doing what he needs to feel loved and appreciated.

I hope that helps. Your marriage is worth the hard work. Good luck!

L.

lisa i can almost say i have the same thing going on with my hubby but mines is with his friends over to the house everyday he cant even get home good they r here. i have to do everything since i've become disable it's really hard on me. yes he works but does'nt make that much so i pay most of the bills myself, what i can say to you hon is to just dont say to much and pray more ask god to help you talk with him without sayin the wrong things cause i use to yell my head off and he still did the same old stuff nothing. but when i just stoped and just acted like nothing was wrong he started doing more i know it sounds crazy but it worked wit the prayer just try and i will pray for you also.god bless you.

I agree that responding with anger isn't the right approach. This happened to me in my "once upon a marriage" that lasted 10 years. 5 years into it I felt like a maid and babysitter, not a wife. Our house was spotless, until he got home. For a neat freak he was a mess. You could follow his path throw the house with keys, shoes, coat, socks all strewn from the front door to the living room. He threw his towels and dirty clothes wherever. Left his dishes in the living room. One day I came home from work and found dishes and clothes in the front yard. He said there's always clothes in the wash and dishes in the dishwasher - which was true. When I left for work I would have laundry going. He didn't notice that the dishes got unloaded when I got home from work since he wasn't there and they were loaded after dinner from the night before. I got up at 5am, work by 6, home by 4:30, kids homework and dinner taken care of then off to baseball, back home between 8 and 9. Baths and bed. I took care of some housework and was in bed about 11 or 12. That was my week. He told me that when I was working full time we would split the work 50-50. Yep, I did 50% before work and 50% after work. I picked up my things from the yard, leaving his clothes (embarassing having neighbors see this). I quit picking up after him. I left his clothes on the floor, dishes in the living room. He noticed. I told him I was sorry but I didn't have time to pick up after him. I'll do everything else, including make his lunches, just not pick up when he didn't put thing where they belonged. I kept my cool. He eventually saw things my way. I still did a ton of work, but it was more on my terms and less complaining on his part when I chose to take a day off and appreciate my kids.

Lisa,

Wow, how old is he? Anyway when I am fusterated with my husband cause he has things about him too. I try and look at what he has or does do that I like. Even if it's one thing. Men LOVE to be praised. So if you get one thing and really appreciate him. He will want to do more. He will live up to your expectation of him. If he views you as always unhappy. He reflects that on his self. He might think all I do is just mess up, Why try. ( Even though he is not acting like a husband)

Have you ever got into Focus on the family. They have some great marriage builders

Here is the link: www.family.org/marriage/

Also I had a friend who husband just died. And it really puts things in perspective. She is not very happy. Even though her man was not perfect and needed to learn to become a husband with time. But she would do anything to have him back. I would really dig into stuff that is about marriage and it's problems like online, google, or the library.

Hope this helps some and things get better. It's hard but true. Most of the time women do alot more than men.

:-)

P.S. Have you read or seen - The Five Love Lanages by Gary Smalley. Also -Men are from Mars/ Woman are from Venus is good too!!!

I read the book "10 stupid things women do to wreck their lives." In it was a quote to live by:
Never deny yourself the respect you deserve

I would sit him down and have a good long talk with him. Tell him how you feel and don't mince words. Things didn't improve at my house until I put my foot down. My husband does the laundry and vacuums. He also does alot more with our son. Hopefully your husband will listen to you. We also did councling and that helped alot too. It took some time, maturity and patience with each other to make things better.

Good luck and stick to your guns.
J.

Lisa, my heart goes out to you! My first reaction was to tell you to go on strike or to kick him out but that's not a respectful thing to do. In spite of the fact that your hubby doesn't seem to be contributing to the household, we as wives are called to respect them anyway.
It sounds like you are enabling him in his laziness, I'm sure out of frustration but it needs to stop. When he's in a good mood, have a talk with him and tell him how you FEEL when he does or doesn't do this or that. If you tell him "you never..." or "you always..." then he'll get defensive. A better way to say things would be "I feel hurt/angry/etc when you..."
You need to let him know that you feel disrespected/unloved or whatever and ask for his help. Yes, as a mom we do carry a bigger load but that doesn't mean he should be able to just plop himself down & read the paper the whole time. You are a family and he is doing little to contribute besides bringing in some $$$; he needs to know that. Just do it in a respectful way, even if he doesn't seem to deserve it. If this doesn't work you may need to get some professional help, even if it's only for yourself. Best of luck!

Well from reading your request I would have suggested that you sit and talk to him and ask him whats going on why don't you help out more with things around the house. You work to so it would only be fair that you split things 50 50. My husband and I split all household chores 50 50. I have to do alot of things over but its worth it. Well then i read the bottom of your request and I litterally heard your heart breaking into tiny pieces. I mean he basically told you to F off. My response to him would be to F off as well. He would be sleeping on the couch and he would get absolutely no dinner or no clean clothes until he apologized and straigtens out that attitude. Be cold to him like he was to you. He will learn and start respecting you more. If he doesn't learn from that then maybe he is thinking some feelings inside about you and your marriage that may call for some counseling. I know if I was in that situation on the road my husband would drop everything and come to assist me. My husband is not perfect in any way but he loves me and he knows how to show it. Sometimes he is so protective of me I think I married my dad. But I really love that fact about him. I'm sorry that he was such a jerk that day. Hopefully he was just having a bad day that day. maybe you can test him again in a couple of weeks to see if you will get the same response. Pretend you got a flat and if he actually does say he is on his way say never mind the MDOT van just arrived.

I've been there and done that. What I learned was that the only person I could change was myself! Nobody has the power to change another person. Work on yourself first, find out why you allow him to treat you this way. Don't think that you don't, because he is walking all over you, and you keep cleaning up after him. This method seems to be working just great for him, so he will be in no hurry to change things. You will end up doing more and more because he will slack more and more. Your self esteem is so low that you think you have no choice but to tolerate this man's behavior. Learn to stand up for yourself(nagging doesn't work), it will make your life so much more enjoyable. If counselling will help, than do it. Don't put it off like I did, saying that we couldn't afford it. No price tag is too high for happiness!! Self help books helped me alot. Good luck to you, remember you are worth so much more, God didn't create you for misery. One more thing, a relationship is not 50/50, but 100/100. If both people are not contributing 100% all of the time, then it is not an equal partnership. As you change your behavior, he has no choice but to change, because his method is no longer working for him.

Sounds like you need to talk wto your husband. If you keep holding in all of those un-expressed feelings you are going to make yourself sick. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and say maybe he is not aware of his selfish behavior. Then he needs to know how his actions make you feel. But on the other hand if he is aware of what he's doing and refuses to acknowledge any wrong; well that is another stor within itself. But trust me honey, the bootom line is you must open up you mouth and speak, get all that stuff off of your chest. It's probably just what you need. Do not internalize things. Learn how to be open with your mate and express your feelings regardless to what you think they might say. If he genuinely cares about you, he should be concerned about how you feel.

I hope that helps.

T.
www.coachingyouforlife.com

I used to feel the same way as you; that I was doing all the housework, plus taking care of two little ones. All the hubby did was go to work and come home and relax. Once I got out of work I went to my second job of cleaning, cooking, baths, bedtime, etc. Then I started seeing on TV stories about families who had nothing, never knew where their next meal was coming from, didn't have a decent home, no car, no clothes for their kids, etc. and then I started counting all the positive things in my life, all my blessings. I started to feel lucky I had a home to clean, my kids had nice clothes, I had a family I loved and was able to take care of and I didn't look at the negative things like my husband not helping, the house getting dirty, the kids needing a bath, etc. I think if you start looking at the positive side of what you have, you will not feel so frustrated. Mike isn't going to change until he's ready to change. Nothing you do will change him. You are only hurting yourself by feeling the way you do and letting him win. God bless you.

Hello Lisa, My name is T. just want to say this to you you may have to just say f*ck thing and just do you and your kids. I have been their with my husband also and still going their but my situation is a little diffent he make the money and I am a stay home mom. sometimes you need a broke also and MEN don't understand that a mother job is never done. However hang in their if it's for the best but to wrongs don't make a right. just don't do as much and let him realize what he has and when he need you GET BUSY!!!!! write back if need too ____@____.com.

Hi Lisa:

Be realistic - you cannot change a man, maybee the clothes and the car he drives, but turn the table, how would you like it if someone came to you and told you, you have to change?

Put yourself in his shoes for a week. Keep your focus on what you need to accomplish this month and your children, not on him. Be nice to him. Tell him you need some time to talk to him and give him a list of things you need him to accomplish and provide a date it needs to be done by, sometimes other people cannot hear you if they feel all you are doing is complaining, by putting it on paper you are providing another alternative. And talk, do not raise your voice and remain calm.

Now, you have tried, now ask yourself do you want to be in this relationship? And why? Write down your reasons and see if they are the same after the month is over. In order to make you both work on the relationship (that is if you decide to) you need to break the circle - try some therapy for couples - contact your insurance and see if they offer any, or your local church - it is sometimes free or at very little cost to you both.

We all feel like this from time to time, its good you are trying to find a resolution! But if it remains unchanged in your eyes after putting your best foot forward, I would consider restructuring.

M.

Dear Lisa M.,

My church teaches that our husband is our authority figure and how we treat our husband is the same way we would treat God. This may seem crazy to you, but ladies in my church whose husband doesn't even go to church (and possibly some don't even believe that God exists) absolutely do whatever their husband says to do, and they find so much favor with God for doing so that their husbands turn around and treat them so much better in the long run. It does not happen overnight, but begin to ask God how to not have a better idea than your husband and serve him to the point of having nothing for you, but only for him. I know you may feel like a slave at first, but if you can ask God to give you JOY in serving your husband, eventually you will see how God has turned your husband into a more sweet and caring man. God blesses these ladies' households so much for being obedient to God because when you serve your man, you are in essence serving God Almighty. I have more trouble doing this at times than not over eating, but I am telling you that there is tremendous blessings in doing it!

If you put your husband's needs above your own, God will take care of you. I have also heard it said in a different way on radio and t.v. talk shows to serve your husband and only be interested in what he likes/wants. It begins to show you what you saw that was attractive in your husband to you in the first place. It turns the man's way of thinking around in time, to realize that he chose well when he chose you to be his wife. If you can bite the bullet and do your best not to complain about "anything" to him or about him. Perhaps you can ask your husband if it would be all right for you to ask a neighbor man to move the heavy air conditioner into the house and help you with the moving of the tires. If he says it is O.K., then I would ask a neighbor man (or perhaps two neighbor men) to help you because it is too heavy and cumbersome for a lady to carry. Get your husband's permission first and then go on from there. Your husband does not realize how he is and when you serve him like that it makes him realize eventually how selfish and uncaring he has been toward you. God will bless you so much for getting under the authority of your husband even though he is a turd right now. You do the right thing by God no matter how awful it seems to you at the moment while God is turning your way of thinking around. Just learn to look for the positive things in all things and get off the negative and things won't seem so bleak after time goes by. I am telling myself all these same things as I tell you. We learn in our church to turn all things inward and work on ourselves to please God in all we do/say, don't do/don't say.

I play positive Christian music to help me get out of the negative thoughts that come into my mind and it seems to help me do things I don't yet find joy in while doing them. I hope you can find help with it too.

L. C.

What to do depends on you, are you just letting off some steam because you are frustrated with your husband, or do you feel this way all the time. If its the latter, its time for a serious talk or some marriage counseling. There is no reason for you to go through life this frustrated. Some men will only take care of themselves when there is no one else around to do it for them. My sugggestion is plan a trip with some friends, or even just go away by yourself and visit a relative. Let him see what its like not having you around to pick up the slack.

first off, this request is from Lisa, not L..

Stop trying to change him. you can only control yourself. When you look into yourself and do things that make yourself happy, you will autoimatically change. then he will notice and he'll probably change his actions and attitudes. I agree with Jesse, Dr. Phil does say the you teach people how to treat you.

recently I was in a mire of negativity at work, I brought it home. I wasn't feeling well, which in turn made my family feel awful most of the time. so what... my floor isn't always clean. I know it doesn't bother my kids and it mustn't bother my husband. perfection is overrated. Once I got out of the thought that moms do it all and do it all well, I am much happier, my husband treats me better and my kids aren't as whiney.

do something small for yourself each day, it doesn't have to be expensive or even cost anything. take 5 more minutes on the way to work to do a prayer or meditation. Pay it forward to someone else. Once you send positive things out into the world, they come back to you immediately. I sent an encouragment card to my girlfriend, because I know she's going through a hard time. The very next day, I got called for an interview!!! coincidence?? Maybe, but I know that positive vibes breed positive actions and feelings.

good luck, it's hard to change your attitude, but well worth it. remember you saw something in your husband, enough to marry him, focus on that. BTW... don't begrudge your husbands other children their due child support.
P.

How long have you been married? Are you Married?
any kids?

How did you meet?

I have to say he sounds self absorbed. Is this the kind of person he was before you lived together?

AS far as a man that cleans house... if Momma didn't teach him to help and he never saw his dad lift a hand. Chances are he might not either. On the other hand. Men if they are asked usually will do something but it has to be written down like a child. (Not Kidding) The Honey Dew List didn't get it's name for nothing. :)

I would definitely question the helping you out on 75 in a snow storm with no wiper. Is he a handy man?

Need more information before I can help.

But I can understand your frustration. Not a very caring man, to leave you like that hanging on the xway.

I would have to say you must be use to doing everything. The garbage cans can't be the first time you had to pick up the slack.

lol... That I hate to say it is a typical guy. Procrastation!! I am sure he would eventually do it, but it probably bothered you more than him.

Change jobs time. Let him do the bills. Or at least let him do most of the bills.
If you have personal credit card or anything in your name. You handle that so it doesn't effect your credit.

Also I have to suggest you read something that might help you alot. " Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" .
It saved me!

P.s. Thought of something you said.
If your paying the bills ???
Is he cashing his check and paying his ex ? and then giving you the rest of the money? Can you explain.. something sounds fishy.
If your paying the bills... you should be sending her a check. You want proof you paid it. I hope your sending the check and he is not handing her cash.

Again, if he is... something is not right.
Make sure you see his pay stubs.

This doesn't sound nice.....but if you start being less annoyed with him and being kind and loving....he will too. There is a book by Dr. Laura Schlessenger (not sure if spelled right), called the "Proper care and feeding of husbands", this might help you put things in perspective. It is really easy to feel like we are doing everything and sometimes we are....and we aren't always appreciated....unfortunately that is just the way it is. So hang in there, love your kids and your husband. Be NICE! :0)

If your man says he has no idea how to help you when you're in a situation where if he cared, he'd be there. He really has no idea and never will.

Lisa,

Unfornately, he isn't going to change. That is who he is. If he is that inconsiderate now, it is just going to get worse. I had an ex-husband the same way. I had a mis-carriage and you would have thought that it was him. He never consoled me, it was all about him. When I was pregnant with my yougest daughter, I had high blood pressure. I was told that if I did not stay off my feet we would both die, do you think he could take care of my oldest daughter, forget it.

So they won't change, it's who they are and either you finally decide you can do everything on your own and do not need him. Or you basicly live with it. I decided I could do it on my own and I have been happy ever since.

It all may seem harsh but it is reality. People do not change, we just accept who they are and either we love them for that or we do not.

Dear Lisa;

Have you had a real heart to heart talk with Mike? You need to really do this and find out why he is so lacked about doing things to assist you around the house. You both need to go to counseling whereby both of you can get your real feelings of frustration out in the open so you both can begin to heal. Do you go to church? Can you schedule a counseling session with your pastor if you have one. If you don't, maybe you can go to a professional counselor. Either way it is needed because you sound like you are about to blow up and stress is already taking a toll on you. You don't mention that you have any children by him so maybe you can take a temporary separation so he will realize what he is missing and you can get your thoughts together. Why pay all of the bills? You say he brings home some money and that should go toward the household expenses. NO one should be the burden carrier of all. This is not a relationship. Mike has a free ride. Pray, get counseling, and take it one day at a time. If absolutely no change in him or he does not want to truly develop your relationship as husband seek the advice of an attorney. I am truly hoping you won't need one and that Mike will come to his senses, truly be a husband and helpmate to you.

Let it out girl! You have every right to be mad. I have been watcing a lot of Dr. Phil lately and he likes to say, "You teach people how to treat you." meaning that he is slacking because you let him get away with it. As women we try to be all things to all people. But if you ever want him to do anything around there you have to decide what things you WON'T do and leave them there until he does them. If you are determined he is going to move those tires then you have to mention it to him once and then let them lie there until he moves them. If you always give in and do it for him, he will know that if he waits long enough it will bug you and you will take care of it. You just have to ignore it and when you get another letter you can give it to him. It is HIS problem. His embarrassment.

I have dealt with a similar problem with my husband and until I started refusing to do these things I felt were HIS job, he never lifted a finger. And right now I am hoping I am not going to mow around the old snowmobile that has sat in the front yard since December. But if I do, then I do. And he can feel silly when someone points it out. NOT MY JOB!

As far as him not helping you on the road. That was just plain jerky! I would feel bad too. I am not sure how to address that one. Ecxept to say maybe he needs to know how hurtful that was.

I am glad you got a chance to vent. We all need that from time to time. Men can be jerks! Keep your chin up and LET THE TIRES LAY!

Hi Lisa,

Forgive me in advanced if this sounds like I am coming down on you. I am a woman, a wife and a mother, I do understand your frustration, however, I also understand that we are called by God to honor and respect our husbands. I don't know if you are a believer, if you are I would suggest getting into "the Word". If you have a church, try counseling with your pastor. Lisa, if you want to get your man engaged, treat him the way he would like to be treated. I realize that we are taught treat others the way you'd like to be treated, and there is nothing wrong with that way of thinking...but why do better when you can do best. Love, is a choice and it is definitely a verb, but you gotta love your man all the time especially when he is unlovable-but most of all what your man really wants from you is RESPECT. I have been married for 14 years, and for almost 10 years my husband and I were at odds with each other. But then I stumbled onto this incredible book, invited the LORD into our marriage and started giving my husband the respect he has always desired, and today our marriage is glorious. Don't get me wrong, as long as I am human, I will struggle, I must be very deliberate about how I think and act, sometimes it is easier than others to love him. One more thing...pray- It is amazing what God will do when we ask.

I will be praying for you Lisa- Oh, the name of the book is Created To Be His Help Meet.

Walking in HIS truth & light,
M.

Lisa,
I haven't read all the responses here but I really think you should find a mom's group or church group or something to get some support. Also (I'll make this short cause it is not what any of us want to hear)praise and affirmation spoken to your husband helps a lot. Find something you appreciate/love about what he does (even if you feel like you're making it a way bigger deal than it is) and make sure he knows about it. "Honey, thank you so much for going to work every day to provide money for our family. It really shows me that you love us." This is only an example but you get the point. Oh, one more thing, being willing to be intimate with him can go a long way towards helping him show his love more. Husbands feel respected when we praise them and are intimate with them and in turn oftentimes they show us more love. I know these things are hard to do and seem unfair, but if nagging or yelling doesn't work (which it doesn't speaking from experience) then we got to try something different.
I'm praying for you(I am, really!) :)
S.

Find the book ~ The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. I'm separated from my husband and I used to do a lot of things myself and while pregnant. So, I understand where you're coming from. Purchase the book and pray for him! There are prayers that you can speak over his life. I'm not sure how long it will take, but pray everyday. And don't talk bad about him. Pray for yourself too to change. She has prayers for you too. Don't nag or constantly tell him what to do because it makes the situation worse.

Remember when you got married...the "For better or for worse" part? Let him know that this marriage is as its "worse" and you are not going to take any more of it! Put your foot down and let him have it! Your husband knows that he married a woman who is a "survivor". He is sitting comfortably on his throne because he "knows" that if there is anything that needs to be done. You're gonna take care of it. So he figures. Why should he worry? Why should he care? Lisa will take care of it. I've been with my husband for almost 18-years now. He knows me so well that if I even just "look" at him. He knows I mean business. But it all depends on the type of man Mike is. His heart. Does he cry at movies? Is he the treatening abusive type? Will he become outraged with you? Remember, when you approach him with this "I have had it with you" issue. Will you be in danger, physically? Mentally? It make take awhile to finally get your message across to him and yet, it may not. Depends on the type of person Mike is. I know for me...it got to the point where I had actually told him I was leaving him. Yep! That bad. That close. Found me a nice condo. Background checks were done and all she needed was the first months rent plus deposit. This my dear, was after being with him for 16-years. So it took time for me because that's just the kind of man I married. He too sat comfortably on his throne. He got his cake with all the frosting on it and now the plate has been licked clean! There wasn't even any crumbs left for him to eat and get fat from! If you still love Mike. Tell him how you feel. Some men are so oblivious to issues going on around them! You can drop an atomic bomb on their head and it still wouldn't phase them! (huh? or duh?) But take away the remote or beer and don't have any dinner ready! Then oh boy look out! You would think it was the "End of the World" or some kind of attack from Mars! Mike may not even know or realize that by him not caring or helping you is actually hurting you and your marriage! When in actuality, he really does care. You have to plan the best moment and time when to tell him. Is Mike the kind of man where a romantic dinner with candles at home is a good setting to have a good talk to get the point across to him? Or is he the dinner and the movies type of guy? Will you need to have people around you? Or is being alone with him in a quiet setting better? You don't want to make a scene in public if he is the "loud" and "obnoxious" type. Plan on "when, how and where" your gonna tell him. Memorize on what you want to say. If you love Mike and if he loves you. It will all work out. Just remember the..."For better or for worse" part. If you feel in your heart that your marriage is worth it...then risk it. Tell him. Good luck!

Hi Lisa,

"Dear Abby" would say that it sounds like your husband might be depressed, and you should encourage him to see a doctor (I read Dear Abby online every day!). It can be difficult for a man if he's not the breadwinner, and I have also read that smoking can contribute to depression.

I think the best thing to do would be to have a heart to heart with him. Ask him what's wrong and why he seems to be struggling to contribute. Let him know that you need him and you need his help around the house. You need him to put some effort into the relationship. Financially, he's probably feeling like you don't need him, and that can't make him feel very good. Men have very sensitive egos, and it can affect everything.

Anyway, I hope this helps. I wish I had a quick fix for you, but it's never that easy. If you can, I would definitely recommend the two of you find a therapist to talk to - together or separately. Hang in there.

Good Luck,
A.

Boy, sounds nice. How long have you been married and what are the reasons you married him? He sounds like my
b-i-l. He and his wife just got married two weeks ago b/c they "had to". They live out of state so we had to travel a long distance for the ceremony. Anyway, I had never seen their house before. When I walked in I was blown away! Papers and garbage strewn about the living room, used bowls and spoons lying on the floor,etc. We asked him why it's like this and his response was "I don't care what it looks like. I work all day and am too tired to clean anything when I get home". (too lazy is more like it) She doesn't do any cleaning b/c he doesn't care. I'm sure that she can relate to your problem.
I'm sorry that he treats you like this, but you need to take a stand. If he won't clean up the a/c and the tires, put them in a place where he'll have to take care of them. Right behind his car. My hub is pretty good about things, but every now and then I have to put something right where he'll see it so that he will take care of.

Are you talking about your husband or my ex??? I had to divorce mine to get him to open up and help out. Not sure if he's helping his 3rd wife or not. (I was the first wife, he moved out of state and abandon us...) Maybe you need to try a separation and let him try to take care of himself. Good luck - S.

I have been married for 25 years, been with him for 30 all together. It has not been easy. I have had to work making more than him, it was me who straightened out his child support, it was me who always handled everything even giving money for cigarettes and anything else like beer at the time. What I remembered one day was "guess what? I chose him!" I knew I did not need him, I sure could handle everything myself. I chose to be with him.

Yes you are tired, yes you are weary. But you my dear are going to have to dig in and really look at you. Why did you choose this man? Then you are going to have to find a way to go somewhere and the two of you re-visit why you got together in the first place. Then you are going to have to find it in you to change the way you deal with him, he is only going to change things when he is ready to change. Lord knows I have tried to change my husband enough and it always ended up being me the one who was mad. I got tired of being tired. I changed. When the tires needed to be moved I would find a way to say it to him with me helping him. Not speaking to him as a mother but as a partner.

Another thing I learned is that men MUST be told what a great job they are doing! Even if it is moving a chair I would find myself saying to my husband "man that chair looks so much better there baby thank you so much." Yes it is a pain, yes we women do need it also, but until you can celebrate him he will never do anything.

My husband works and is semi retired, his child support long since paid off now. I celebrate him and he respects me and honors me, and yes takes care of me when I am sick. He cooks for me, cleans the house and even does laundry! He celebrates me now because I was willing to change. He changed on his own. And never forget to say "I love you!". We really don't know when the last time to say it will be.

Just a little tid bit from a young old lady who is in marital bliss finally!

Go to the library and rent the videos
Hidden Keys to Loving Relatioships, By Gary Smalley.
Watch them with your husband.(:
As much as you want his love and help~he equally wants your respect.
Also Dr. Laura has the book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.

I can understand you anger in this. No one should treat another person like this even if is your husband. I'm sure you would not put up with this from anyone else. The question I would be asking is what qualities of your husband made you marry him and are they still there. Right now he is not showing any support, what is really behind this because windshield is just cause of problem for not the true problem. Has he always showed no motivation or unkindness?

I disagree with a lot of the advice given so far. If you married this man then there has to be something that you love about him. Sit down and make him realize what he does, and how it make you feel. Be 100% honest, don't attack him but let him know that things need to change or else it isn't going to work.

People CAN change. My hubby and I had some issues with him not pulling his share and we sat down and had a serious talk and he has done a 180. He is now very helpful and more conscious of the things he does and how it effects me. So if you really love him, which I'm sure you do, sit down and talk to him and let him know how you feel and what you would like him to do.

Stop being his mother...*shrug*

Hi Lisa, I sure can feel your fustration in you letter.
You are not alone in your desire to have your husband
taking responsibility. I can give you dozens of stories each
equally discusting as the next. But, I have found that complaining and nagging just won't help at all. It just upsets you more. Complaining only begets more problems
and doesn't solve anything. This is a marriage/reletionship
issue. So, how does one sovle that. Well, I have found that
prayer changes things. The place to begin is in you and that begins in seeking Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior.
I have found that He brings so much inner peace, joy and
wisdom in the midst of all the problems. You may already
know him. If you do, start seeking Him each day and reading your Bible each morning. You will find Him as you seek Him.
If you don't know Him, I sincerely encourage you to seek Jesus out. It's the best thing I ever did in my life.
A simple prayer admitting that we are "all sinners and fall
short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23. "The wages of sin is
death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus."
Romans 6:23 "God demonstrates His own love toward us, in
that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8 Because Jesus became our subsitute, the penalty as been paid. But we must accept His forgiveness as a gift.
The only requirement is that we recognize our need and adcept his offer. "If you confess with our mouth the Lord
Jesus and believe with your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved...For "whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved." Romans 10:9,13 Lisa,
this is the only way to be sure of you place in heaven.
Then as his child you can "Ask and it will be given to you: seek and you will find; knock and the door will be open to you. Mathew 7:7, John 16:24 Until now you have not asked
for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete." I pray that you and Mike will find the wisdom, and comfort of the Lord Jesus Christ. If I might
suggest that you find a Christian Church near your home that
teaches the fullness of the Gospel were you will grow in the ways of the Lord. You will find great friends and answers to your many questions. Folks who have been were you and Mike are right now can minister hope to you both. Maybe Mike
won't go to church right now, but keep going, keep praying.
God is able to do more than we can ask, think or imagine. Ephesians 3:20. If you have any questions, feel free to e-mail me @____@____.com I'll be praying for you and Mike. Peace of the Lord be with you. K.

Go on strike.
What an insensitive person he is. If you're both working, neither one SHOULD be more important than the other. In fact, working or not, neither should be more important than the other. What's with this macho junk he's pulling.

I would say that if you're working, you put your paycheck aside for what is important. If you want to salvage this relationship, then what's important is counseling. Either together or on your own. If he can buy smokes than you can buy time with a counselor. If this is beyond salvaging, which there seem to be enough indications of, then you use your paychecks for attorney fees and clear out. It's often the case that the minute you say you're out of here, they start to shape up. They don't want to lose anything.
This is not what you signed on for, to be the one-sided workhorse. He needs to grow up.