Need Some Advice for Dealing with Family Issue

I would confront the aunt. Just tell her nicely that you have been informed of what she has been doing and would prefer that she doesn't do that. There is no way I'd want someone doing that to my child. You are not overreacting at all. Hopefully it goes well.

OH My I would be really upset if that was my daughter I think you need to talk to Aunt (?) and let me her know that this is not okay and you would please like her to stop doing it. I do not think that you are overreacting one buit Good luck with everything

I don't mean to be rude, but I'm going to be very blunt...grow a backbone! This is YOUR child and YOUR decision how she is to be raised. She cannot speak for herself so it is up to you to protect her and speak for her...so DO IT!

Gail I think you should move a little slow to confront the aunt. If you approach her then you should have something to be armed with like if it is the same food you feed your child & if it is the same foods does your child react the same way when you feed her. Then you should ask your other child to show you with a doll how auntie does her sister when she is feeding her sister. OR SET UP A HIDDEN CAMERA If you are well justified then and only then you can talk to the aunt. But, before you do have a back up plan like another babysister on call so if this conversation gets out of hand then you already have someone else available for the job. Especially if you feel the aunt is wrong. Also if she is WRONG and now has been exposed you might not want her to continue to watch your children.

This would really bother me. You are not overreacting at all. I would tell the Aunt to stop it. It is your child, not hers, and she should not be holding your daughter's hands down when she doesn't want to eat. I can only imagine how your daughter feels while that happens. She must hate when its time to eat!

I think for your 5 year old to mention this to you, she must have been pretty alarmed by it too. To me, its a situation that isn't just a matter of different parenting styles. She seems to not have the patience needed for watching kids. I would look into finding someone else. xxxooo

Gail,
The Process is always the same for dealing with disputes. First, tell this woman that your five year old reported something to you that you wanted to check out first with her.
Then tell her what the 5 year old said, and ask if that is sort of correct.
Then...tell her that you want your child fed your way. Keep it simple. No great theories about child raising, eating disorders or anything else.
When Aunt objects, and she will, respond by only saying one of two things: 1) let me see if I got this right (and repeat what she said) OR 2) so it sounds like you are feeling (what she is feeling) and if you can't figure that out, just say either "this is important to you" or "wow this is upsetting you".....
The whole trick is the moment she becomes defensive and or attacking, is that you must simple reflect back to her what she is saying and what she is feeling.
Be like the willow not the oak, go with her flow, do not defend yourself or pursue your point.
Then when she has calmed down, follow the x, y, z rule....or
I feel X when you do Y, please do Z.
NOW FOR THE ABSOLUTELY MOST IMPORTANT PART. PRACTICE!!!!!!! THIS WITH YOUR HUSBAND FIRST IN A ROLE PLAYING MANNER BEFORE YOU ATTEMPT TO EVEN APPROACH YOUR AUNT OR ANY OTHER RELATIVES. ONLY WHEN YOU FEEL SOMEWHAT COMFORTABLE WITH THIS APPROACH AND YOU'VE TRIED SOME ROLE PLAYS WITH YOUR HUSBAND OR A CLOSE FRIEND, CAN YOU TRY IT OUT!!!!

GOOD LUCK! TELL ME HOW THIS ALL WORKS OUT.

R.

Yes your 5 yr old could nott be telling the whole truth, yes it is a family member who is watching your child, and yes it is not easy to confront those we love. BUT, YOU are in a "business" with the aunt! If it was an outside person, not family, would it be this hard? I think not. I am like some of the others, do not mean to be blunt, but either confront her or move on! It is like people who are to afraid to offend someone, a doctor perhaps, that has done you wrong, but you won't leave b/c that will offend. Oh WELL!! Life is not always filled with easy decisions, but why would your daughter fib about the situation? What does she gain? Probably nothing. Also, if you think about most adults, if you were around she would not do it. So, short of the nanny cam, you need to deal with it head on not with the cousin?!? Good Luck! Family can be tough to deal with espcially with the guilt trips, but these are YOUR KIDS! and no one elses.

You have every right to be upset and are justified in worrying about starting bad eating habits now.

My son went to a babysitter at the critical time of transitioning from baby foods to table foods. knew he wasn't ready and made that clear to his sitter. She force fed him table food behind my back. By the time we found out the damage was done. He's now going on 7 and still won't eat anything but 3 select foods. And this kid was a GREAT eater until that sitter.

Definately put your foot down. How your kids are raised is YOUR decision and she needs to respect that.

I would definitely listen to what your 5 year old tells you - my oldest has always snitched on the nanny or baby sitter for me. If he doesn't, who will? I confronted on several occasions and found out what he told me was absolutely true. That is exactly why I'm now a full time mom - which is hard in other ways because we have sacrificed a large portion of our income.

I know it's difficult, but I'd be very straight talking with her and tell her that you dislike this way of feeding etc. I personally could not continue to let her take care of my children if she wasn't willing to listen or adhere to my requests. Once you speak to her she may also decide (out of being pig headed) that she no longer wishes to take care of the children - which could be a blessing in disguise.

Good luck!

Hi I would sit down and talk with the aunt this is your daughter she comes first. Family should be more understanding.
Just tell her how you and your husband feel.
Also here's a thought do you provide the aunt with food for your daughter? if so only give her the food she likes to eat and then when your daughter is home you can give feed her the not so favorite foods, who knows your daughter might eat them for you as most children are more comfortable with mom and dad.
good luck.

First of all, let me say that I always read Mamasource but I don't respond very much because I don't think I have much to say than what another mom already said better!!! You guys always give such awesome advise!

I agree with the recomendations that I have read, but I must say, DO NOT SOUND CONFRONTATIONAL. Talk to your pediatrician or someone you trust ahead of time to find out how you handle the eating situation in a positive way. It sounds like you're on the right track with what you are currently doing, but talk to them anyway.
Once you have a solution, say to your aunt, 'We've noticed my daughter has not been eating or trying things the way she used to, have you noticed that, Aunt ____?" Let her respond and then go from there. She will probably say yes, and then say, I asked the pediatrician how to handle it and he said " _________"(whatever he says). He also says emphatically that some parents are tempted to force feed, and while that may be what was done years ago, they don't recommend that any more, because it fosters overeating when you are full or eventually could lead to eating disorders. (I'm not sure of the exact facts, mine are made up, you can make some up if they make sense.)
I feel like this approach is not accusatorial and is "letting her in" on something that you have noticed is a small problem at this point (your child not eating or liking the food).
I have found that sometimes older people don't realize that the way they raised their kids many years ago is not the be all and end all. Things are different now.
Lastly, I think if this issue is not dealt with properly, you could have many hurt feelings and be without a babysitter. Good babysitters are hard to find. Go into it and talk to her thinking you are going to come to a reasonable conclusion and things will get worked out, not that you are going to let her go.
If your conversation goes well, reinforce to her how happy and lucky (blessed) you are that she is helping you raise your kids, and happy that you can both "work together" to try to figure out how to handle issues with your kids.

I feel like I have been preachy, and I don't want to be.
I just know that if everything else has been good with your aunt, this hopefully can be something that can be worked out as well so you won't be forced to look around for someone new. I think you're really lucky to have family watch your kids. I never was able to have that.
Good luck and keep it positive!!

Hi, Gail. I would either have your husband talk to his aunt and let her know that's not acceptable or have him talk to his parents and have them bring it up to the aunt. But it should definitely be your husband who deals with his family. This should definitely be rectified!

Good luck!
M.
www.spiceglamup.com

Of course you absolutely must say something. This is your child and keeping the peace has nothing to do with it. It's pretty important that you learn to stand up for your way of bringing up your children, don't you think? Whether it be to family members or anyone else whom you entrust the care of your child with. Other people are not the ones who get to decide this.
I agree with another poster that you do have to "check in with them" and see that what your 5 year old said is accurate. And then there is no reason to argue, or get excited, just state your wishes clearly and firmly. You don't need to justify anything. Anyone who watches your child has to respect your wishes in terms of childrearing practices and if they don't they have no business babysitting or whatever. You can do this!

I had a similar issue with my 18 month old and a pert time nanny. My nanny felt that you have to play tough love with feeding. I hate that. We had many different conversations about my own philosophy and my own approach and what I didn't feel comfortable with. Still, ultimately, she continued to react and behave in the way she instictually felt was right like she just couldn't help herself. When my daughter would kick and scream over being served something, she would get angry (I was present sometimes) and would walk away from the high chair for sometime. I think she almost took it personal. Once she told her she didn't love her anymore because she wouldn't eat. I was sitting right there!!!!
I feel the same way you do. Mealtimes should be fun adventures. If they don't want something, you don't react. Serve it again another time.
What finally worked for me, was to tell my nanny that I talked to my pediatrician (always my scapegoat) about my daughters poor eating attitude and that she told me to back off pushing and offer 4-5 items per meal and offer a healthy snack at regular times between meals. I just told her all the things I wanted her to do like to keep it fun and not to react to negative behaviors.
You do have to talk to your husband's aunt. Just be subtle, ask how meals were going but try not to say what you know or she's going to get really defensive. You might say you've noticed that at mealtimes she's increasingly fussy for some reason. You do have to say something. We went through this for months and now my now 3 year old is the pickiest eater I know. Would not even touch a strawberry to her lips until recently. I don't want to scare you but my daughter seems to have an aversion to all food except the 15 or so items we continue to rotate. What an uncomfortable position to be in. Good luck!

Hi Gail, Is it possible she is not force feeding but simply trying to get the food in the mouth? When my son was about this age, the only way to get the spoon to his mouth was to either hold his hands down or give him a spoon of his own. It wasn't that he wanted to feed himself, was done eating or did not like the food; it was more that he developmentally did not understand that the spoon could not get into his mouth if his hands were already there. During teething times, the problem was worse. If your husband's aunt is actually force feeding and you are upset by the issue, you totally talk to her. It is your child and you get to dictate all of the rules.

Gail

You are not overreacting whatsoever. These are your daughters and how they will view food for the rest of their lives..this is hugely important and you must stand your ground. I have an Aunt who did that to my cousin, and she has been extremely overweight her WHOLE LIFE (now 30 years old, unhappy and alone). You are Mom-and YOU call the shots on how your children are cared for. You must do something to stop this whether or not it ruins your relationship with this woman. It is great that your husband and you are on the same page. Be united, and you will get the outcome that you need.

I wish you luck-

There's really only one thing to remember in this whole situation:

It's your child and you are the boss of the 'employee' who is taking care of your child. If you wanted your babysitter to feed your child liver and onions while singing "Wheels on the Bus" over and over, then that's what they should be doing.

Talk to her and let her know what your daughter said. You can be straight-forward and say "This is what my daughter said, if so I want it to stop." Or you can try to take a more lighthearted approach: "Wow, my daughter said that her sister was being force-fed while her hands were being held down. Isn't it funny the stories these kids come up with? I would NEVER imagine forcing my child to eat foods while I held her hands down - that's just so against my parenting philosophy! What a crazy idea - who in their right mind does that?" While that doesn't specifically blame her, it does let her know that clearly you do not find the behavior acceptable.

I totally agree with Jennifer K. You are getting your information from a 5 year old, and although she is your daughter and you want to believe her, you could be jumping the gun so to speak. My father in law watches my kids and I've found that a great way to adress issues with him is to be blunt by telling him how we do things at our house OR when its really sensitive, I blame the doctor. I'll tell him that I talked to the doctor about an issue that I know we have been having (kind of like the mediator or the tie breaker) and tell him that the doctor said it should never be done that way and offer up the right way to do it. Sometimes I have to suggest something that neither one of us want to do, but it lets him know occasionally that my way may not have been right either and he is more open to listening. Of course whatever I choose for the doctor to "suggest" is something I can live with too!

Gail,
We have an 8 month old(she's our sixth child) and I sometimes hold one or both of her hands while I am giving her a bite with the spoon just so she wont grab the spoon and make things even more messy than usual. ie. splatting it's contents on the floor. We usually feed her while we are eating dinner so I give her a bite of her food then I turn to my plate until she wants another bite. This leaves her to put her hands in her mouth, watch everyone else, and draw lovely mushed food art on her highchair tray.
I just skimmed a few responses and I too had the thought that your 5 year old may relate experiences and see things differently than an adult or older child would. We have a 5 year old right now too. Also, you could just always provide the food you want your baby to eat. Things you know she likes and save introducing new foods for home. Many people do this just to keep a check on possible allergies. It's important to know and trust that your child is in a safe environment but I question wether or not a 10 month old can really be force fed. If I put food in my baby's mouth and she doesn't want it or is full she would just spit it out. After a few attempts, I have other things to do. I also watched my sister's three children for years. She has 3 now 9, 5, and 3. I love her children like my own but If I ever put the middle child in time out, which happened very rarely, The oldest child would get very defensive for her and would tell my sister about it. Who usually already knew because we would talk on the phone often while she was at work. Older siblings can be very protective and that's wonderful but children can still misinterpret situations. Good luck to you. First and foremost you must feel that your wishes are being followed when it comes to the care of your children.
M. SAHM of 6

First of all, if I had a nanny like Diana's who got angry at my child over anything she would feel the wind as I rushed her out the door and fired her! If she gets angry about food, what happens when you are not there?

Re your problem: it is an old way to gently hold the hands on the tray with one hand while you feed with the other. It should not be forceful. They do have new types of feeding spoons that can help this. Look around and check the web. Another suggestion: introduce foods on weekend when you are doing the feeding. If the child is still having difficiulty come Monday morning, put that food away and let your Aunt give the foods the child likes. You will have more control over the child's eating habits that way. If everything else in the childcare is good, you can work this out.

Confront the aunt! These are your children and you are raising them - not her. You can pick and chose your words, but get the point across. If she does not want to change her forceful ways, find another daycare provider. I don't think daycare providers are allowed to feed the way your aunt does.

C. T.

you need to just simply tell your sitter that you dont want her to do that. tell her if the baby wont eat it then shes done eating. it shouldn't be a discussion that is how you want it i wouldnt even give her a reason why, you don't need to explain. it is hard when you have family working for you but, these are you children and you need to speak for them. good luck.

Hello Gail,

I would say that it is a good idea to try and have your husband talk to his aunt first. If that doesn't work or she denies that she is doing anything wrong then you would be better off having someone else take care of your kids. It is so awful that someone would force food down a little babies mouth. I would not put up with it.

Good Luck!!!

I have dealt with a similar issue with my mother in law. I know u want to keep the peace in the family but first things first do what best for ur daughter. My son is now 7 and he is a very picky eater, and when he was younger she always tried to force feed him and made eating a big deal. I couldnt stand it but never really said anything cause i knew she would get mad, and i regret it. I had such a hard time with feeding time for a VERY long time trying to undue what she did it was very hard. trust me stop it now before it gets worse it will be worth it

Hi Gail,
I can see lots of ladies are very concerned about your situation and are taking the time to respond. That is what is so great about this website! I would just sit down and have a conversation with her about this topic. You have every right to do so as she is working for you.. (I assume you are paying her to do this?? even if not.. you still have a right to voice your concerns..)Just say something along the lines that you want to talk about where your daughter is at as far as eating during the day when you aren't there. Ask her to explain how she has been feeding your child and then you have an in to share how you would like to see it go.. and if you feel you need to add what your pediatrician thinks for added support, go right ahead. Just say you want to be partners with her in the care of your child.. that you appreciate her help.. that you feel consistency between her caregivers is very important. And then say you would like to talk to her again and see how it is all going and if she has any questions. I'm assuming this gal is a kind person and really wants to work with young children. I have to say, being in the early childhood profession, I have seen women get "burned out" at varying points in their work. And it is possible that she isn't as patient as she should be atleast in this area. I would talk to her and try and get a feel of where she is at with this. It is so important as others have said and you don't want to set your daughter up for an eating disorder or anxiety. And I can tell you are a loving mom and are asking for feedback so good for you!
let us know what happens!! You are NOT overreacting as you can tell by the volume of responses you have received to your post.

Gail, this is your child and obviously you are not happy w/her feeding techniques. You must approach her like the adult that you are in an adult manner and tell her how you feel. I don't know how old she is, but maybe she has forgotten or needs to be brought up to date with how babies are to be fed. Good luck!

Why did you go to the cousin and not your aunt directly?

You must speak with the aunt and make your expectations very clear. This crosses the line from "harmless" (ice cream for lunch, for instance) into another area that's not "dangerous" but certainly isn't good for your baby.

Ask her about it, then communicate clearly and positively why you are against it. Still, make sure your aunt knows that she is never to do this again.

The problem is, she may say one thing to your face and do continue to do it. My mother-in-law has been guilty of this and, as a result, we do not leave her alone with the kids anymore. One of the issues we had was her shoving food at my son when he clearly said he was finished, under the mistaken belief he was "too thin".

Do not worry about the peace in the family when the well-being of your children is being compromised.

Are you sure this is what is happening? I know that when my son was five years old he often explained things differently than how it actually happened. I am not saying it isn't true but I would try to ask her about it in a nonthreatening way to try to get to the bottom of it. If she admits to it then I would tell her it is completely unacceptable. I would just make sure you are pretty confident about the situation before you create big family rifts!

I remember reading somewhere that babies need to put their hands in their mouths while eating because it helps them in some way. I think it was in one of those kind of what to expect when your expecting books-but the next one in the series. Maybe you can look it up and use this book to explain the benefits and why babies need to put their hands in their mouths while eating.

Good Luck
A.

First off, you are NOT overreacting. You really need to both sit down and talk it out with this aunt. You both are going to need to be sensitive to how you approach her. She is probably going to get defensive (after all she's raised her own kids and they lived right?) but that still doesn't mean she can't respect your wishes and how you want to treat/raise your own children. If talking to her doesn't go well you need to relieve her of the responsibility for the safety of your children. Like another poster had said, if she is reacting this way to a feeding how does she react when she is crying and upset? Something to think about. Good luck! I'm sorry you're having to go through this. :(

Dear Gail,

I agree that the situation that you described is upsetting. However, you are getting all of your information from a 5 year old. While I don't know your child, I have a 6 year old and a 5 year old and although I think they are pretty perceptive and truthful, sometimes situations don't occur exactly the way the paint the picture. Maybe you could have the aunt feed the baby some time when you are at home doing something else in the house, so that you could get a better feel for what is going on. I would hesitate to have a confrontation with a relative and caregiver over the remarks of a 5 year old. But: I'm not saying that you should ignore your older child either. Just find a way to double check before you make an issue of it. Good luck!

You are not overreacting.
Do try to talk to the aunt. Otherwise it will continue and your daughter will also grow to dislike the aunt. This is not her child. It is your child. You don't have to argue or lecture, even if you have to make up some sort of a health issue about something that could happen if she is being force fed from the gagging or whatever. Personally I'd find someone else to babysit but I know if it's free that could be a bit in the income. Is this all the time? How is your five year old also? Was she with this aunt the entire time? Did the aunt babysit for her too? If she is okay, perhaps just a light conversation might settle the matter and perhaps it was only a particular occasion or two.

This is definitely a difficult issue, but I agree with you completely you want your daughter to learn good food habits. I would confront the Aunt, but I would do so in a way that is not threatening her, and maybe find some articles or a book that support your view on eating habits and feeding times. We have friends who believed in feeding their child until she threw it back up, I was appalled; but her mom had told her that is how the pediatrician had explained feeding times to her. So I wonder if the Aunt is going on old information, and might be more than happy to follow your plan as long as she knows from you that you feel it is okay if your child doesn't eat a certain meal if she is refusing it. Just let her know you've noticed your daughter is picky about eating and is often refusing food and here is the way you and your husband have chosen to parent her around food and supply her with the book, then encourage a conversation about how the Aunt can apply that at her house.

It is a difficult situation when you hire a family member to care for your child, this is supposed to give you peace of mind that someone close to you is watching them and not a stranger. I do have to say that my ex-mother in law would do the same thing, i remember how upset i would get, depending on the upbringing it is "normal" for some people to force feed the kids, hopefully all she is trying to do is to make sure the baby is healthy and well nourished. But you are the mother and she should respect your wishes,it's clear that this makes you and your older daughter unconfortable, so don't allow it, talk to her directly and let her know you prefer that she doesn't do it that way, if she refuses to respect your rule, you might have to look for another caregiver for your sweethearts, best wishes to you and your family.

I would give her a menu to stick with to feed your 10 month old. Make it simple and with foods you know your baby likes. Maybe she's worried your daughter isn't eating enough while she's in her care and just wants her to eat. If your specific about what YOU want her to eat, it might make it easier and your mind will be at ease as well. What your 5 yr old saw bothered her enough to mention it to you and her instincts told her it wasn't the right thing to do. Should you take it all that serious? Probably not, but I wouldn't ignore it either.