Need Opinions

If she has legal visitation, you can't cut her out without going to court. You may need to start documenting the problems so you have legal grounds to change the situation.

Too much information is missing for us to be able to give very useful advice. What do your children want? They are old enough to have some say. What does their mother want? Her desires and legitimate needs where her children are concerned may make her more amenable to getting some kind of counseling if you present your concerns to her and let her know you are considering cutting her off for the safety of your children.

I'm glad you are concerned about the kids' welfare. This sounds like a worrisome situation for you all.

You asked for opinions. So, you know it's all a matter of opinion one way or the other. I would seek a qualified, unbiased opinion. Dad could ask the counselor that question. They would be the ones most familiar with the situation and the affect on the kids. And if it comes down to it, the counselors opinion will weigh heavily with the courts.

Will the mom participate in counseling with the daughters? This may do a couple of things:

1. the mom may get more of an idea of what she is doing that is unhealthy for her kids (maybe, just hoping for the best).

2. The counselor will be able to help give suggestions to the mom of how to behave to best help her kids - most people may be receptive to someone who is 'official' and NOT their ex!!!!!

3. The counselor will get more of a grasp on how unhealthy the relationship is and will be able to testify in court if you end up needing to terminate visitation.

In any case if you try to involve the mom in therapy it will be best - judges like that stuff.

I feel for your kids- good luck!

Yes, it is good for children to have the non-custodial parent in their lives. Sometimes this isn't possible. And sometimes it creates more stress than is healthy. The best person to ask an opinion from is their counselor.

Some counselors aren't willing or able to make that sort of recommendation because of their own inexperience or lack of extended education. If that's the case for you then you can include a child psychologist or psychiatrist in your girl's treatment. They would see the girls for a limited number of times before making a recommendation and then would most likely stop seeing them. The purpose of going to him would be for an opinion. The counselor may be the best person to do the actual counseling.

I also recommend that you and your husband have counseling along with the children, if that is not currently happening. You may need to change some of the ways that you've been parenting so that you're able to address their issues.

Even if you decide to change the way in which the children's mother is in their lives the decision doesn't have to be final. It is important to include your children's wishes in making the decision but ultimately the adults are the ones to make the decision. Is it possible to end visits for a period of time and see what happens?

I really don't have enough information to make any further suggestions. Your children's difficulties are created by a great many issues. It may be a combination of things that ultimately will not be addressed by either keeping their mother involved or not involved. One option could be to change the way that she is involved.

My foster to adopt daughter acted out after visits with her birth mother. The court limited her visits and made those that happened supervised. This helped tremendously. She made this decision based on the recommendation of my daughter's counselor.

Well, to me it is already, too bad. Bad enough.
The kids are in trouble... and everything is affecting them, and their ability to do well.... in all aspects.
Bottom line is, they are REALLY suffering and cannot cope.

Has the Mom always had a presence in the kids lives?
Or only now, recently?
It is not affecting them well.
Its good you got counseling. It can take a long time.... consistently. Don't expect it to change right away. Do the counseling regularly...

If the Mom, is impacting them so badly... do you HAVE to have her presence in their lives?
The Mom is the way she is... you can't change her.... you didn't mention it, but she seems to be a bad influence???? Or at least unstable???? She does not seem 'willing' to be a part of their lives?
And if she is... well, how is their relationship going to be?
You can't 'force' the Mom to have a relationship with the kids or to be a REGULAR part of their lives... if she does not want to.
You/Hubby have been raising the kids full-time as you said... so He has full custody? I would leave it that way.....

The courts, have the say.
Do you have an Attorney?

Bottom line is the childrens well being... with the Mom or not.

If the Mom is a bad influence... why have her in their lives... AND, what do the children feel? Do THEY want their Mom around???? It seems to create a lot of problems in them....

Toxic people.... will be a detriment... to adults and children. But children have no control over it. And the Mom, will undoubtedly be much trouble... to you/Hubby as well.

DOCUMENT everything....

If there is that much stress going on you need to also consider adding magnesium and b6/b12 to their diet. High levels of stress will deplete these minerals, which lead to further depression.

I would consider a b complex liquid under the tounge (follow label for dose) and add B6 as well. Magnesium malate or citrate , 400-500mg day.
Also Fulvic acid daily, will take care of other trace mineral deficiencies.

Your question breaks my heart, but you have provided pretty limited info,on the family situation; is the custody shared or what are the arrangements? Who has the problems that would have such a negative affect on your step-children your family or their bio-Mom? I'm glad they are in weekly counseling and hope you plan to continue this for a long time. I think if things have come to their attempting to run away and hurt themselves at such a young age something drastic must be done NOW. I would request another custody hearing if possilbe and see if you and thier Dad can get sole custody, assuming your household is the most stable. You may need to get their counselor to testify or right a statement on your behalf. Your kids are at such a vulnerable age now if things don't get straightened out pretty quickly I'd hate to think of what will happen when they hit their teens, (drugs, alcohol etc.) Good luck and blesssing for them and you.

This situation is bad enough to seek help in which u are doing. Even though you are trying to do the right thing by keeping them in their moms life as much as she wants to but enough is enough and something is definitely going on when they go with her. You need to get to the bottom of it and find out what is truly going on with them. In some cases the mother may be conjuring something and end up making the girls hate you. You have to in return show different. Mother's cannot be replaced but a step mom can be the best mother for a child and show that child love and concern. Legal action may need to be taken depending on how serious the issue really is. GOOD LUCK!!

Not enough information to answer the question. Running away and injuring themselves are pretty serious -- and if you know for sure that those behaviors are the consequence of their interaction with mom then I guess they shouldn't see her.

At their ages they might have an opinion on this.