Need Marriage Advice

I'd recommend the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and the Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. They're both great books. And the first one showed me how much power we wives really have . . . though we don't even realize it.

My husband's job goes through cycles where it is normal hours, then extreme deadline time. The deadline time is always a struggle. One thing I remind my kids is to thank Daddy for working so hard and we try to throw a Daddy party now and then with a special dinner and treat for our weary worker. We shower him with love and he can't resist us. This helps remind him of the people that not only depend on him for money, but also for attention and we do not ask anything of him but we love him. Another thing I do is put the kids to be early and invite my husband to our room. Intimacy goes a long way in healing both of you and you'll notice a change and more of an interest in you and the family when he is feeling loved in many ways. I know this is so hard and contrary to what we feel like doing...which is fleeing...but seriously, think of the changes in your life without him...I know it is hard to swallow pride and hurt feelings and to love someone who is not being particularly lovable, but I know from experience the power of this kind of love...being loved when I wasn't worthy and how when I accepted it, it changed my life.

K.,

You are SO not alone in those feelings!!!!! My husband works as a part-time supervisor, and has two paper routes. Because of this he works pretty much a late swing/graveyard shift. He usually leaves for work about dinner time, and we don't see him again until usually after lunch. If the kids get an hour with Dad it's a lucky day.

Because of this I get up with the kids, get them breakfast, put the little one down for a nap, get them snacks, get them lunch, put them down for afternoon naps, get dinner ready, give baths and put them to bed. In between all this I'm also trying to wash the dishes (no dishwasher), wash laundry at the laundromat, clean the house, vacuum the house, get the kids to their activities, etc. I'm lucky if my hubby remembers to take his dishes to the kitchen.

Get the picture? Sound like your house?

Anyway. All that being said I really think we both should sit down with our hubby's and tell them that we need more help around the house and that the balance between work and family needs to be fixed. ASAP!

Hope this helps,
Melissa

My husband was similar until he got a different job within the same company that was so much less stress he turned into a totally different person, (in a good way!) Perhaps if your husband needs advanced planning. Set aside one weekend a month that you can all do things, this way he can work towards that and put in extra effort before hand so he can take that time and perhaps not feel as though he is losing money.

Of course your husband wants to take care of the bills. But if it is taking him away from his family too much, then you need to cut down on some of these bills. You have too many and need to downsize your spending and de-stress that part of his life. His most important role is to be a husband and father. No one else can raise his kids for him. Bills can be paid off, but sooner is better than later. If he doesn't see a light at the end of the tunnel then it's time to start selling off extras that aren't necessary. Those kids will grow up so fast and when they are older, they will not give their father much of their time because they weren't taught how important family is. Your husband doesn't need to be a workaholic. He can expend his energy on his children.
A wife needs more than money, too. You can tell him you appreciate his hard work for the family, but you need more personal time with him. It isn't being selfish, it is a neccesity for women or we will find it somewhere else.

My best friend's husband is always really worried about money, because he grew up not having any. Now that he's making good money, he's still very uptight about spending any of it and it is a point of stress in their marriage. I know what has helped them is to budget together, pay bills together, look at their finances together. The more information he has, the less need there is to worry.

If it turns out to be true that he (your husband) needs to work weekends to pay the bills, then I'm sure you would be quite grateful to have a lifemate so committed to taking care of his family. If it turns out he's overdoing it, I'm sure you two can come to some kind of agreement. My husband and I have had this discussion many times, about how the weekends are spent. The solution changes as our lives change. Right now, he's agreed to be all about family time on Friday nights, Saturday morning for a few hours, Saturday late afternoon, and about half of Sunday. The fact of the matter is, if anything big needs to get done, he only has the weekend to do it... that's just life. It really is mostly work with some play, not the other way around!

Also, the best marriage advice I've received is to tackle an issue together: you and your husband are on a team on one side of the table, and the issue is sitting across from you- the issue is the opponent, not your husband. Attack it together by talking about what each of your wishes are, what a best case scenario would look like, and then take realistic steps towards it.

That's my two cents...

J.

I don't have much for advice, just want you to know you're not alone in this feeling! Although I wish my husband's busy time was spent working, even from home. Mine works about 80 hours outside the home, then when he's home he does make dinner and occasionally reads a book to the girls but most of the time is spent playing games on the computer, which I complain about regularly. He has a hard time pausing it to eat with us, play with us, etc..and it frustrates me to the point of leaving as well! Others tell me to be glad he's home at least, some husbands entertain themselves outside of the house, so at least he's a figure in the house. I know that sounds like a lame excuse, but I know it would be harder if he was out and about or without him altogether. My one suggestion would be counseling, someone else telling him what he's doing to his family life. Or leave him with the kids for a weekend while you busy yourself, let him see how it feels to do it alone!

Hi K., I just wanted to tell you about my experience, from a childs view of a parent who don't spend time with them, this is my experience. My parents have always been extremely, focused on money and careers,this is and was so apparent in my years with them growing up, Time is all I wanted from them, so simple but not to them. I had everything I ever wanted materially new cars. house, eduction paid for as well as my sons, these are nice things to have and I feel as though I was fortunate in this way. But the love, the unconditional love and TIME, in this day and age with all we know about our children and the stages they go through, were so lucky to have all this information, but I feel people loose perspective on what's really important. Fortunately for me I did not turn out to be materialistic and shallow and I married a man who spends as much time as possible with our son. I really hope for all you that your husband gets it, all your children want is time and attention, I guarantee it. Namaste

Have you told him you are thinking of calling it quits? I get this way with my hub, on the weekends he wants to just stay at home and hangout and it drives me up the wall because he doesnt realize we have spent most of the week inside and on the weekends I would like to get out and do something because Ill have HELP. I have threatened to leave a few times and we get into a heated discusson and he sees where i am coming from. Now with your situation I would be even more upset because he is home all the time and that wrapped up in work. Does he think that once he has made his fortune the kids will except him? Now is the time he needs to be working on building relationships with the kids. Moms have it lucky because they are very bonded with the kids. dads though have to work more for it. I would explain all this to him as well, You guys arent going hungry so maybe he can spend an hour a day with the family. And on the weekends maybe half a day each. I am sorry I know how much this can get under your skin!! Dont give up!!

Are you financially strapped? Maybe he works so hard because he needs too? I'm a stay-at-home mom and we are doing ok financially, we can pay our bills but can't save very much or do a lot of trips and things so I'm thinking of going back to work even part time so that extra money means he doesn't have to work over time so we can do fun things as a family.

Remember to pray for him!

Hi K.,

I don't have any new advice besides what's been offered already. Julie B's advice was most excellent.

One thing I wanted to try and clarify: you said he 'works out of the house.' Does that mean that he works from home, or out of the home? If he works *from* home, I know you have 3 children and are busy already, but is there a chance that maybe there's some aspect of the business he handles that you can help him with? Thus, you spend some time with him learning the business, plus that frees up the time he would have spent doing that himself.

I'd also suggest couseling, but he may not go, seeing as how he's telling you he has no time for anything besides work anyway.

Try and have a heart to heart with him at some point. Don't threaten to leave him, but tell him how lonely you and the kids are without him and how much you miss him, and ask him for suggestions on how you can fix the situation and if there isn't anything practical you can do to help. Men love to "fix" things so if you let him come up with a plan to fix it, then you just might get a result, that he engineered, that you can work with and that will benefit you and the children.

Best of luck for a good change,

K. W