I don't know who else to ask, but I need some advice on a situation with my mom.
My mom is a needy woman who always has to have a man. She dates losers who never make enough money, & she gives them money she doesn't have. 90% of them end up cheating on her after a couple of years. I would think at the age of almost 60 that she would learn by now. She is always trying to force me to be friends with these guys before she actually knows them herself. I became a very untrusting person, & it takes me awhile to get to know people. I just like to do it on my own timel. Oh, and she's divorced twice.
She met this guy who is 45 (who I met for the 1st time when he moved in) & was separated from his wife...in process of divorcing. He moved in immediately last June. I tried to talk to her about it, but she refused to listen to my logic. By December, they were engaged. She then wanted to know my feelings, but I said they didn't matter because she wasn't going to listen to me.
My brother thinks this is the greatest thing, but he is 10 years younger than me. I've been through more of her relationships than he has, & I know how she works. So basically my brother is on her side. I do want my mom to be happy. I just wish that she would slow down on her relationships & stop giving these guys money. Oh, and this guy doesn't make a lot either, so she's basically supporting the both of them. I had basically given up telling her my opinion this past year. She can make her own mistakes from now on.
So my brother got married this past Tuesday on a whirlwind wedding (long story), & we're going down to celebrate with them this weekend. My mom calls me on Tuesday to tell me that she's decided to finally get married, & the wedding is this Sunday.
Her reasoning was because we were all going to be together, but my brother does get leave from the military during Christmas. I think it is so trashy & inconsiderate to have her wedding in the same week as my brother's. My mom is a total drama queen, & I think she's doing it to have the focus on her.
I didn't say anything to her because I didn't want to be rude...even though everyone else in the family agrees with me. My brother doesn't think anything of it, but he's not into manners. I don't know what his new wife thinks. So she called me today (Friday) & asked me to stand up with her at the wedding...like a maid-of-honor. Ugh! This is her 3rd wedding! She should've eloped to Vegas.
So my question...is there anyone who knows the etiquette for this? Does anyone have any advice for me? No, I don't want to stand up there & pretend I'm on board with this? This is not the blending of families, so I'm not really sure why she asked me to do this. It's just 2 older people getting married. Oh, and none of our extended family has met him, & I haven't even met his kids.
I will go to the wedding, but I do not want to stand up there with her. I also don't want to hurt her feelings, but I'm tired of her forcing these guys on me.
Well, I ended up standing up there. I guess I didn't have the backbone to say anything. She's married & happy, so I'll let it be. Next time she does this, I'm going to tell her to go to Vegas & get married there.
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S.S.
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It's gonna be so hard to do, but I'd just say "Mom, I love you and I want you to be happy, and I really hope this relationship is everything you want it to be, but I just can't stand up at your wedding, and I think you know why" If she pushes, just remain firm. Tell her that the birth of your son has made you to revisit some of your core values and you do not think it would be a good example to him. You're going to the wedding, so it's not like you're opposing it, it's just that you don't necessarily super support such a rushed affair.
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T.O.
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You've gotten good advice so far, so the only thing I have to add is to detach yourself more from her. Let her thing be her thing, without it getting on your nerves. Don't let her force things on you or try to get you to agree.
Just like the other poster said, tell her "if it makes you happy great, but I am not participating in the way you want".
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S.
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Since it will hardly be a surprise to her at this point, I would tell her very firmly and very kindly that I will not stand up for her at the wedding. I would not say much at all, just tell her you will certainly attend if it works with your family's schedule (maybe you have to get on the road early on Sunday?)...or even just say that your intent for the weekend is to wish your brother and his new wife all the best, but you are not comfortable being involved on any level with her wedding; you wish her the best, but since you completely disagree with the situation, you don't want to seem to give your blessing on it. If that is too strong for your taste, I would at least refuse to stand as an attendant. You could even laugh and say it might bring her bad luck to have you standing up there with them (don't explain why!), and then say you, hubby, and child will sit together as a family at her event.
Good luck. What an awkward situation. I'm glad you have a wonderful husband and son to be with you!
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D.S.
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My opinion- just think of how much you love her and be supportive- Lay it on the line for her and the husband and tell them your thoughts and then just be there for her- Its like having a child that isnt hanging around the people you want them to- the more you tell them not to - the more they will. Its her life and as long as its not an emotional or finanacial strain on you-theres nothing you can do to stop it. Your brother doesnt mind- so thats just fine. Just tell her what is on your mind and let it go- so that she can never say- "well why didnt you say that-or warn me"-- be kind, considerate and direct. Wish them well and be there for her as her maid of honor. Shes getting married with or without you- so why be part of the drama?-avoid it- - god forbid anything happened to her and you didnt do this for her- its a small price to pay - She is too old to change her ways - just move on with YOUR life- break the vicious cycle and be happy. You don't hae tobe his friend- let him earn your trust and friendship- thats what it is a friendship and jsut look at it that way- Mom is looking for love in all the wrong places- but its her life- just make sure that legally her assets are protected.-then buy the "I told you so" t-short and pop it on the day of her next divorce- lol!
D.
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A.C.
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No need to hurt her feelings. In my experience with my mom, she's hurting enough on her own (which is why she can't be alone, and have her thoughts as company), so be delicate with it. Just say mom, you know I love you and I'm going to be there for you AT the wedding, and after the wedding too, but I just don't want to stand IN the wedding. And leave it at that.
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P.W.
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J.,
This is your mom's thing. I think your goal is to maintain a relationship, but protect yourself and your family in the process. You cannot control your mom's choices, and since your brother doesn't really seem to mind that your mom is honing in on his celebration - you would save yourself a lot of aggravation if you could let the whole thing go. During the weekend try your best to be pleasant and not judge, but find ways to protect yourself. Forget about etiquette and accept that you and your mothers "manners" are not the same. I think you know that you cannot control your mom or her choices. If you cannot bring yourself to stand up for your mom, be as sweet as possible in declining. You don't have to tell her the real reason. Just tell her you would be uncomfortable, and say it nicely. If she tries to suck you in to saying more, have a mantra ready. If you are on the phone come up with something ahead of time and politely tell your mom you are very happy for her, but have to run........
