Need Ideas for Discipline

I think there is a real breakdown on what you are saying that your doing and his behavior. You are doing what is called "attending" which is pointing out how well he is doing when he does it and are trying to redirect him when he doesn't, but somethinkg is not working still......start watching SuperNanny. She deals with this all the time on her shows and she's right... A schedule, listed and followed by EVERYONE, RULES, listed and ENFORCED. Follow Through EVERY time (even in public) and NEVER accept behavior that puts others or himself at risk. Sounds like you need to make more changes that give more structure to what's expected and his life...I know that sounds harsh, but if you don't do all of this consistently, then you will have much bigger issues as he gets older. Praise all the good things he's doing....there is an excellent book called, Discipline the Brazelton Way...by Joshua Sparrow M.D ( a pediatrician) I think you'll find everyone says the same thing...so you need to do, stick to it and in about 2 weeks, you'll see the difference..but STICK to it, FOREVER> m

I recommend the book "Scream Free Parenting." He has a website as well:

http://www.screamfree.com/

I also recommend a schedule posted on the fridge for when your son is home. That will eliminate those pesky questions and you can refer him to the schedule. Here's a sample:

3pm - come home from school and show mom school mail
3:15pm - have a snack
3:30pm - do homework
4pm - 4:30pm - computer time
4:30 - 5pm - clean up before dinner
5pm - dinner
6pm - 7pm - family time
7pm - 7:30 - pack backpack for morning, bath & get ready for bed
8pm - 8:30 - maybe tv time
8:30pm - bed time

You get the picture. Kids like to know what to expect. It's comforting to them. If the routine is going to change, let him know in advance. Or have different routines for different days. Change as needed, but not too often.

When he is calm, I would sit him down (make sure your husband is there as well) and tell him the new rules. You could post them (with pictures) as well.

Rule #1 - No hitting - EVER!
Rule #2 - We treat everyone with respect and courtesy - NO EXCEPTIONS!

Explain that now he knows the rules, there is a zero tolerance policy and he will be sent to his room for XX amount of time. Explain that he has a right to disagree with you, but he has to do so respectfully. I think that is really important. Ultimately, you and your husband make the decisions, but your children can have a voice too. They need to learn how to voice that opinion in a respectful way.

Now, the door swings both ways, A.. You and your husband need to treat your son (and daughter) with respect and courtesy too and most of all - no hitting. "I understand you're upset, honey, but you cannot talk to me that way. Go to your room now." You also need to be consistent and follow through. I know it's hard and we all get worn down, but you have to toughen up or else he'll be worse when he gets older. Nip this behavior in the bud now.

I would also take everything out of his room except his clothes and his bed. He will have to earn all his toys back by being respectful and not throwing tantrums. Develop a reward system. No hitting and 5 days without a tantrum will get him 5 toys.

The other thing I might do is enroll him in TaeKwonDo or Karate if he's not currently involved in any activity. Both disciplines involve teaching respect for persons in authority and treating yourself with respect. Did wonders for my oldest girl. She loves it and has a much better attitiude (she's 10).

Good Luck and let us know how it goes.

This is definitely a difficult situation for you and it is honestly difficult to accurately assess what the exact problem might be because there are so many variables.

I've worked with children who are volatile in the home whereas in school and other social situations they appear to be fine. There are a lot of possible reasons for his behavior. I doubt he is happy with his behavior or the consequences but he gets something out of it and perhaps that is his need for control. It is also possible that he has seen disrespect in your household either by your husband towards you or perhaps he feels he has been disrespected by you and/or your husband. There are a lot of possibilities and please know that I'm not assuming anything, just throwing out situations I've come across before.

I've had to look at my own daughter who is very strong-willed. I am also very strong-willed and I have quite the temper which I too have had to learn to control over the years. I've had to take a look at my own behavior before in regards to her because she is a child and children do not view the world through an adult's eyes...their world is vastly different and with that comes a different perception of what's real. Children often fight against what they perceive as injustice whereas we parents, because of our experiences are making decision based on what we feel is in the best interest of our child. Our children don't have our experience. I find it incredible that my daughter...knowing full well that arguing with me will get her into trouble, continues to do so...at 3 she can be very argumentative. I have to be careful not to over control her and it could be that I'm expecting more out of her than she can give...I think a lot of parents do that because it's be a heck of a lot easier on us if they'd just listen and do as they're told...it's hard to find that balance. Children need to have a voice but they also need to know who is in charge.

I hope you and your husband are on board with each other regarding the disciplinary process. If one or the other circumvents...then your son will surely try to play the two of you against each other to get what he wants. My daughter, when she was 18 months old and not even talking yet turned to her daddy after I said "no" to her picking up something...she looked to see if he said "no" as well...he and I support each other and that's absolutely mandatory...it starts young.

Think about what kind of choices your son has at home. What helps my daughter is giving her a time frame. She can tell the time on a digital clock and although I know she's younger than your son by 3 yrs., the idea of time structure works for children of all ages. I tell her what time something is going to happen, such as bath time, bed time, etc. I even give her a time where I'll play with her if I'm trying to clean up the kitchen or something. It doesn't always work but then contingencies come into play if she starts to argue. Time outs right now work for her but sometimes I've had to take her book time at night away, toys, etc., but she does however have the opportunity to win it back depending on the nature of the behavior that got her into trouble in the first place.

I'm sorry this is so lengthy...your situation is definitely urgent and if necessary, don't be afraid to talk to a professional about these things. His volatile behavior towards you and his sister will increase if you are unable to develop something that works for the family. There's a reason for everything, it's a matter of finding out what those reasons are and children have a hard time communicating the "why" of their behavior.

I hope this helps some, I'm glad you're seeking out help...again don't be afraid to take this problem to an outside professional like a social worker or psychologist should the volatile behavior continue. No one expects you to be able to solve every problem on your own...especially when you're so close to the situation. Someone neutral might see something you don't.

Take care and I wish you and your family well!