What is the meaning of RESPECT and TRUST in a relationship with children and a significant other? I know for me I was brought up to respect my mother, father, elders, and friends and through that respect we gained trust in one another. I learned as I grew up with my friends (or so-called friends) and in my relationships, sometimes I would put my trust on the other person thinking there was respect in return. I am coming to find out however, that for me personally, once a person loses either respect or trust for or in another person, neither comes back easily.
Is this the case for anyone else? If so, how do we handle this especially if you are in the predicament I am in with a 4 yr old medically needy child and a significant other that is not-working yet keeping the expenses a bit lower because of not having to pay childcare costs, etc.
Do I just say since my child is being taken care of by his own father and I trust in him to do so that I should therefore respect his father even though there is no support for anything else?
Or do I say even though my child is being taken care of by his father, since he doesn't give support to me I have no respect and neither does he show me any respect thus there is no trust in the relationship and we should get out before our son gets too much older?
I am sorry to bombard you with all these questions but for me right now they are all related to my inner turmoil on whether I have enough trust to respect him. I hope any of you can help me with your responses. Thank you in advance for reading through this!!!
I appreciate your responses and am receiving lots of great advice. It appears that respect and trust do not necessarily go hand in hand in life and that we easily trust others to handle things and loved ones but there is no respect for each other in everything else. So as much as my original question has always confused me - if we are around those that take care of people or things because it is something they are "supposed" to do - THE TRUST PART - yet treat us crappy - THE RESPECT PART - then why do we continue to trust them? No respect for me means I should not trust them.......
Trust... can be had, by anyone, even if they are a monster. That is why, people one after another, get abused. Same as love.
Same as respect.
And, the definition/meaning is different for everyone.
Thus, different manifestations of it.
Thus, different results from it.
Thus, different expectations from it.
In the situation you describe, here are my definitions:
TRUST - you have enough faith in the person to know that your child is safe when in their care.
RESPECT - you care what this person thinks or feels towards you. Their opinion on something matters.
You can have trust in someone without respecting them.
Your comments made me think about what your feelings and his feelings might be if the situation were reversed and you were staying home to care for your child.
I'm sure this is a frustrating time for BOTH of you and you BOTH need to discuss and decide how things need to work both in the short and the long term.
Support comes in many forms, financial, emotional, doing work around the house, caring for children etc.
It think you are focused too much on the terms and definitions of respect and trust, both of which have a wide range of definition and interpretation.
Marriage is hard work and raising a child with special needs adds an additional strain on top of that. Please be kind and understanding with each other and try to work together to figure out the best path forward. Having a caring, loving father take care of your child is a huge plus and deserves recognition not just for the money it saves in the budget.
Good luck. Work hard. Communicate.
I don't think that trust and respect are related, at all, except for the fact that when either is lost or broken, it is hard to gain back. Children shouldn't have to "learn" to trust their parents and it's not related to respecting them. That trust is there from birth, provided that the parents care for the child and meet his or her needs.
I think you're making this too complicated. Separate trust and respect. You can have one with or without the other, and neither is contingent upon the other. For example, while I do not "respect" a lot of my husband's choices (or him, in many ways), I trust him 100% in his role as a father. I trust him 0% in his role of husband because of a history of behavior that violates our marriage.
Trust and respect are not interdependent. You either have one or both, or you don't.
There's a difference between giving respect and/or acting respectful and actually having respect. As a child, I was taught to respect elders and people of authority. I gave them respect, but as I grew older I didn't always have respect for them. Respect and trust are earned. I believe you can trust someone (for example: trusting your husband to take care of your son, or trusting him to stay within the boundaries of your relationship) without having respect for him as a person. For me they don't go hand in hand. I trust certain people not to do harm, but don't necessarily respect them as people, i.e., their lifestyle, etc.
I read a book - The love she deserves, the respect he needs. or soemthing close to that. It talks about the womans need for love being equal to the mans need for respect. You would never see a man say, "i just dont have any love for you right now based on your actions." That would be unheard of and an instant end to the realtionship. Love is supposed to be unconditional. But women, we have no problem saying, "well, I just dont have any respect for you based on your recent actions." I thought of respect as very conditional. I will respect you if you do xyz, not simply becasue you need it. I have often told mine, of course I respect you as a father, i just dont respect this thing or that thing about you. He also showed where in the Bible men are "commanded" to love thier wife and womean are "commanded" to respect thier husbands. Not a suggestion but a command. Doesn't tsay anything about putting requirements or conditions on it. After reading that I took a new look at what it meant to give repsect to a man.
Trust - in this siutation it might be one of thise - i trust you to be you things. There are things you know you can count on and things you know you can't. I would let him still keep your child to earn his way, but not keep him as a mate. You dont want that to be the example of a man in your sons life. I would put him in the spare room as a roommate.
If you look them up they each have different definitions, so maybe that's a point you are confusing?
According to the American Heritage Dictionary, Trust is defined as follows:
(1) Firm reliance on integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing
(2) Custody; care
(3) Something committed into care of another
(4) Condition and resulting deligation of having confidence placed in one; one in which confidence is placed
(5) Reliance on something in the future; hope.
Verb: to have or place reliance; depend on...to be confident; hope...to sell on credit.
So you see this word can mean anything from "firm reliance" to "hope". When I think of the word Trust, I DO NOT take it to be "blind faith" like some people, but more the first definition: firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of someone. HOWEVER that doesn't necessarily mean good things all the time. I TRUST that my dad will let me down pretty much anytime he opens his mouth. I believe he has good intentions when he speaks, but he speaks a lot and NEVER delivers. I trust that he has "good thoughts" and I do not trust what he says, but rather that he has a character and integrity flaw that will allow me to nod my head and smile, but put up my guard. If he surprises me with following through on something, yay, good for him! But that is a pleasant surprise, not the norm. To me, trust is earned. It comes from experience and knowing the person (how can I trust someone without spending some time with them and gaining some experience in their integrity, ability, character, or how they go about things?) Even trusting something as simple as when I sit in a chair it will hold me up, that comes from many years of personal experience with sitting in many chairs, and they held me up.
Respect. There is the basic human respect for the fact that someone is a person, a life, etc....and having basic respect for someone as such. Then there is the deeper respect that comes only from a more intimate knowledge of that person, again from real experience with them. The deeper respect, to me, is EARNED. The American Heritage Dictionary defines respect as this:
(1) To feel or show reverential regard for; to esteem
(2) To avoid violation of or interference with (as in, respect the speed limit)
(3) To relate or refer to; concern
(4) To honor, esteem
(5) Willing to show consideration or appreciation
So I suppose what I define as "general" respect for someone as a person would be #5, and what I feel is earned and comes from knowing someone would be #1 and 4.
You can not LIKE a person, but trust (or have confidence) that they know how to do basic parental functions, or to at least behave as a babysitter. I would hope that even if you don't hold someone in esteem (respect), you could still trust that he wouldn't say, offer your child drugs. There are differences.
I think it depends on alot of other things. You are only equating respect with money. You also don't say why your significant other doesn't work. In ths economy, in order to have context, we really need to know if he doesn't work because he doesn't want to work or if he's not working because he's laid off or he just simply can't find a job. There are a lot of unemployed people out there who are definitely worthy of respect. If he's watching your child while you work, it kind of puts a damper on his ability to seek employment. Also, if he is unskilled and would only make a minimal wage, it might be more financially sound for him to provide the day care services while you work. So, to me it all depends on why he doesn't work. I would have a hard time respecting a man who doesn't work because he doesn't want to and who sits around watching daytime TV or hanging out with friends. But a man who is devoted to providing quality care to my medically needy child, may very well be worth respecting.
Respect is given; trust is earned. Respect and trust come in different levels.
To respect is to hold a favorable opinion of someone; at the most basic level, every living thing deserves respect for the fact that it lives. People all deserve respect for their thoughts, however different from yours they might be. There are higher levels of respect, a fact which is exploited in many ways in civilized society. For example, religious hierarchies, where the local clergy (ie pastor, priest) is given higher respect (and expected to live up to it) than the church members; the next-higher-level clergy (ie, bishop)is given more respect than the local person; the level above that is given even more respect, and so on up to the top, where the level of respect might reach veneration.
To trust is to rely upon someone or something. Trust is earned, and the level of trust builds over time as the trusted thing or person shows repeatedly he/she/it is trustworthy (worthy of our trust). We trust our car to get us from point A to point B. We trust that the food we buy at the store is safe to eat. We trust that other drivers will stop at the red light as we pass through on the green. We trust day care providers and schools to provide appropriate environments for our children.
One can trust someone without respecting him/her, and one can respect someone without trusting him/her. For example, one can trust a politician to lie (which does not involve respect); and one can respect the President of the USA without trusting the programs and policies he/she espouses.
To have true intimacy with someone, both respect and trust are required. To function as separated parents of a child, respect is necessary and trust is a plus. To grow up emotionally healthy, the child must know that each parent respects the other. Even so, "trust but verify" that the child is receiving proper care in a healthy environment. Same goes for day care providers and schools, "trust but verify".
