Need Help with Resistant Step-Son, Age 9 - Morgan Hill,CA

I read this before you changed the wording of the post. Sounds like this child is in desperate need for someone to love him unconditionally. I know from personal experience how it can be hard to love and connect with a child that isn't your own but he needs you. It also sounds like he needs counseling - a mother committing suicide and not wanting her children - either one by itself would be hard on a child. Anyway, try to stop focusing on things about this child that you don't like. Find the positive things - even the little things that he does and praise him for these. Is he involved in sports, scouts, martial arts...help him find an outlet and something he can call his own. But start with counseling if he isn't already in it and hug him and tell him you love him, even when it is hard too.

How very sad.

Wondering why you pulled 90% of your original post.

This child misses and is mourning his mom. And now his step mother doesn't "like" him. Make time in your busy schedule and see that this child gets the psychological help he so desperately craves.
His behaviors are a cry for attention.
This is a child that was neglected by his mother (maybe by both parents) and he has also been abandoned, in a sense, through suicide.
You're the "new" sheriff who has changed his world as he knows it. Even the hoard was familiar to him. Now it's all different.
And his dad needs to be the O. to deal with his behavior. Just dad.

Keep trying! Do not give up. If you married his dad, for better or worse, than keep at it!

Being a stepmom is hard.........no doubts about it! I have been a stepmom for 17yrs.........the beginning was the most difficult (although until they were 18 it was ALL difficult at times). Let me tell you a few things I learned about this whole thing in my early years, to see if you can "relate". Perhaps your solution is in your "approach" to your stepson.

I learned that no matter how hard I tried, it was hard for my stepkids (then age 7 & 9) to allow me to be close to them. After years of struggling trying to form a relationship, I learned that the kids were simply afraid of hurting their moms' feelings, and didn't want to get close to me out of respect for her. NOBODY put this idea in their heads (although I wouldn't put it past their mother lol)......it was natural for them to feel this way. It took about 2 years to get through this toughest part.

How I got through it........I continued to beat myself up lol. Meaning, I didn't stop trying to play games, taking them to ice cream after school 1 day of the week, and making their favorite meals. I also showed interested in their bedrooms......always offering to make it better and more comfortable for them. In my case, they moved 3 different times (within a year) from the original house they grew up in, so I was sensitive to trying to make them comfortable in yet another "home". While doing all of this, it was most difficult to be "myself" cause I was trying so hard to please. But in the end, being myself, was what WON the battle.

Be your stepson's friend......be careful on the things you say to him to not sound like a "mother"........that can come later, but first he needs to learn it's OK to love you.......that is only something he can learn on his own, and only at his own pace.

Never, no matter what, ever bad-mouth his mom (or his mom's house, or his stepdad, the rules over there, or anything!) If you do, you will NEVER get through to him. And if you don't, he will remember and love & respect you even more later in his life.

Is it OK to have rules and chores in your home? YES! Just discuss it with him first......in my home, I pulled "homework is most important in this home, then responsibilities come next".........we only initiated 1 or 2 chores a week for a long time until routines were established/mastered. Then we added or adjusted from there..........but just because he has 10 chores at one home, doesn't mean he do the same in both. You need to take the pressure off of him, which will release negativity towards your home, but letting him get away without simple chores will backfire later.......so just a few is a good balance to work with.

I'm not sure of the details in your situation.......I would love to help you more. When you love someone who has children, it is sensitive and difficult to get through. After 17yrs, I feel like a "master' at it..........and the reward?.......I have a great relationship with my stepkids now........because I was always honest and myself........they come to me first for serious events/problems in their life knowing that they will always get the truth from me.......boy, it was all worth it!

Good luck! and keep at it!

~N. :O)

going to need a little more information here...

Without knowing the details of your particular issues...here are some ideas:

*Listen to the child.

*Talk with (not to) the child.

*Find out the childs comfort zones and areas, food, activity, routine, and try to give him some of it.

*Get Dad involved.

*Take a child development or parenting course...this gives you a point of reference...especially great if you can get Dad involved too and ideas you might not otherwise been exposed too. All children are different and the same methods do not work for every child.

*Children are people too and need to be treated as such.

*You are an adult. He is a child. Do not expect him to reason like an adult.

*Family couseling...especially if you are a new or blended family.

*Focus on the positive and find a common interest that you can bond together with.

*Affection and respect take time to build...it is a two way street.

Best of luck to you.

I've read a lot about children who are adopted at an older age, I've met many children who are raised by grandparents and then go to live with parents they don't know, (yes their own parents who love them and are so delighted to finally be with them) There is one common theme when children go to live with a new parent for Whatever reason. The child begins to test the new parent and the new living situation. All the child wants to know is WHEN are you going to leave me or send me away? How bad do I have to be before you leave? Sure the books and songs and things teachers say are that parents never leave BUT that is not his or her experience. Parents do leave these children and not Knowing when is too difficult for them, so they are intentionally bad. How bad do I have to be to before this parent will leave me too? His or her "job" for the next year or so is to try to push you away. the child will try to make your life a living hell temporarily. Your job is to convince the child you aren't leaving. Period. (Dad's job is to discipline and reinforce school rules etc etc For you this could be the hardest job Ever, but if you succeed the results will be a teen who is not suicidal or drug seeking or cutting or promiscuous and someday an adult who is capable of loving a partner and loving your grandchildren. I hope you are willing to go thru hell to save this 9 yr old. find a counselor you can go to alone and get the support you will need.

Now as the mother of 5 ( 4 by birth and 1 a foster child that never left us) and having raised many foster children I just want to say that you need to pick your battles carefully. . As the step parent you only have so much say and control it has to be coming from the parent and supported by them.
I know that as a child my father remarried more than once after my mother-- and I actually always thought of his wives as temporary and for the most part ignored them entirely. Glad you are seeking help so that you don't become to frutrated and can make this relationship with the child work. By the way at 9 most kids are testing the boundries and what the family rules and feelings are so it really is coming at a normal age if that helps. Our 9 yo will disagree with what dayof the week it is JUST BECAUSE.