Need Help with Out of Control Grandparents

Hi J.,

I would suggest a Family Group Decision Making conference.

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Hope this helps. D.

There is a great book called Boundaries, you can get it on amazon. They are crossing boundaries & you can say no & not feel guilty. You do not need to give a reason why you are saying no, just say no. It may be uncomfortable at first when you do say no, that is ok, because you are not doing anything wrong. This is your child & you & your husband make the rules. Be firm yet gentle when you do tell them no. If they do not bring him home at 4:00 then go & pick him up. Give them a list of what he can & cannot eat. Send snacks with him when he goes. Explain that if they give him butter to eat or soda then he will stop going over there. Those are the rules. You can also let them know that you appreciate all the help they have been but you cannot let them continue to feed your child junk all the time. Stand up for yourself & your child.

God Bless & good luck!

I don't mean to be harsh but I am really amazed by the women on this board who put their inlaws "feelings" above the safety, well being and feelings of their children. So your husband won't say something...you know that...so YOU are going to have to grow up and say something yourself. Don't be confrontational. Just tell them you have an important issue to speak with them about. When you get there you lay it on the line and you end it by saying they will not be able to watch your child if they cannot comply. I know it will be tough but you have to put all fear aside-remember it is your child we are talking about.

Wow -- That IS tough. I have this feeling that you aren't going to change them, so the only thing you can do is put up with it. Which isn't good, either. How about changing things up a little -- like enroll your 2 yr old in swimming lessons at the Y on Tuesdays and Thursday ? or gymnastics? Something that will require you to transport him back and forth, and then perhaps he can take a nap or something afterwards?

On the other hand -- you and your husband need to have a long talk about healthy habits and how important it is to build them now. Does this bother him at all, or does he just take it in stride as if this is the way you raise a child ? The two of you have to come to some form of consensus on how you want your child raised, and then have to work toward that goal. And you are 100% right. HE should take on his mother -- something he may or may not do. And he should note, also, that if they are bringing gifts for one child, they need to bring gifts for both. It was one thing when the baby was little and getting baby gifts, but now the baby is old enough to begin to notice.
Either way, tho', they will most likely blame you, as if you poisoned him or something. It may make life difficult for a while, but if you are consistent and continue to welcome them, while holding the line on expectations, it should work out in the end. It's not as if they are rude or uncaring people, they just are older, and more free with their expectations or lack thereof. And what is cute to them is horrifying to you.

Try to think through what is most important to you -- what really HAS to change, and what you are willing to slide on -- and argue over the critical issues only. We all have to give and take a little in family life -- and it's hard when the grandparents consider the child more theirs than yours . . . but my guess is that they aren't trying to do that . . it has just kind of happened because he's there so often.

You need to be FIRM with them. They may be great people but they are NOT respecting you. You MUST speak up. They may be your hubby's parents but they are still your kids!
I am speaking from experience here. My inlaws are great people, but they were VERY disrespectful of me and went against everything I said. My son started acting hatefully toward me whenever we were around them.
Ultimately, we had to cut off all contact with them for 6 months. They are now willing to respect our parenting and do things for the good of our kids.
Spoiling grandkids is not a right. Feeding a child ranch dressing and letting them eat sugar off a restaurant table is not responsible.
Be firm! If it blows up into a big argument, let it! They need to realize that you are the parents! If you don't deal with it now, it will get worse.

Time for your husband to "man up" and talk to his mommy. It's unhealthy for your child and he needs to be the one to stop it. He needs to support you and tell his mom that you are in charge.

you are letting your inlaws be the parents to your son.....why is he still gong over there 2 days a week? he is YOUR son & you are HIS mom & if anyone, irregardless of who it is, is causing possible harm or brininging chaos into your family then you need to take back control.......if you are continuing letting him go there then you need to let it go & expect that your son is being raised by his grandparents........you can start off slow for couple weeks so make plans on the days he would normally go over there....tell them he is going to start a class, or go to a playgroup to play with kids his own age, or you want him to be around your 8 month old........you and your husband need to sit down & figure out what you will & will not tolerate together

If your husband is the non fighter type than I would suggest that you talk to them yourself. You could start by saying that you appreciate everything that they have done for you and your family and understand it is okay to be spoiled sometimes but this is happening way to much and is not good for him. Second, I would definitely address the issue of you feeling like they are neglecting your second child. They may not be doing it on purpose especially because they spent so much time with your two year old. You are their mother so you have the final say so in what goes on. Try and talk to them and see how it goes, just don't start by being accusational. Good luck!

Well, I suppose you could:
1. Stop having her watch your 2 year old two days per week. Why is she still doing that?
2. When you go out to eat, YOU and YOUR husband sit in positions near the kids so you can control what they do/do not order/eat.
3. They are probably really bonded with your older son because they spend so much time with him. The "ignoring" of the younger O. will likely change as he gets older. Lots of grandparents believe that the younger sibling already has what he needs because it comes from the older sibling. Try not to be too sensitive.
I'm sure they mean well. Try not to cause a wedge between your husband and his parents.
Good luck!

J.,

Having been in a similar situation with my own mother-in-law, when my son was a toddler, I can tell you that this situation is NOT going to change, unless YOU be the one who changes it. My husband too, was not the type to speak up, and he just didn't have it in his personality to take a stand against his mother, even though he thought she was wrong.

My mother-in-law watched my son every day, while I worked, and she allowed him to behave however he liked, and to eat whatever he wanted, all day long, no matter how many times I asked her to control his behavior. Every time I tried to correct my son at home, I got told
"grandmom lets me do it". It was driving me nuts. He was my child, and I had no say at all in how he was being raised, or what he was allowed to do. She undermined my authority every chance she got.

Finally, when he was about 3, I became very sick with my nerves, and was unable to work, so I began to keep my son at home with me a couple of days a week. The straw that broke the camel's back came one night when my son was misbehaving, as usual, so I popped him on the butt, sat him on a chair, and told him to stay there until I said he could get up. He responded with "Grandmom says I don't have to listen to you because you're nuts!"

That was the absolute LAST STRAW! I got on the phone, called my mother-in-law and told her what he said, and then I informed her that she would no longer be watching my son, or would even be allowed to see him, until she decided to enforce MY rules. Then I informed my husband that he could get a second job, so I could stay home and raise our son, or my son could go to a paid babysitter...his choice. He opted for the paid sitter, and my son's behavior changed dramatically for the better, almost immediately. The paid sitter followed my rules, and it didn't take very long at all for my son to realize it.

It took 3 months of my mother-in-law not being allowed to see my son, but finally she called and apologized for her behavior, and began to understand that my son could not be a replacement for her own son, who was now a grown man, and she began to act like a grandmother, and letting me be the boss. From that day on, we didn't have a single problem with our relationship, and my son became much more well behaved.

I know that what I did was pretty much "Tough Love", but sometimes that's what it takes, and if your son's grandparents are undermining YOUR authority, then its YOU who need to speak up, and not to expect your husband to do it. Do tell her how much her help has always been appreciated, but also tell her that you are your son's mother, and, as such, she needs to abide by your rules, whether you're present or not, or he will not be spending any more time with her, unless the time is spent at YOUR house, under YOUR supervision..

Also, you need to remind her that she has 2 grandsons, and that you expect them to be treated equally. That means no gifts, unless they each receive something, unless, of course, one them is having a birthday.

And while you're at it, let your husband know that while you don't expect him to fight your battles for you, you do expect him to back you up on the decisions that you make concerning your children, whether his mother likes it or not.

It won't be easy to change things, but if you're consistant, sooner or later she'll get the message that she's their grandmother, not their boss, and will begin to give you the respect that you deserve as their mother.

She raised her children, and now its your turn to raise yours, with no interference from her. Be polite, be appeciative of all she's done for you, but also be firm and mean what you say. Sooner or later she'll get tge message and realize that she's their grandmother, and not their boss!

Good luck!

D.

That is odd behavior, and very bad for your two year old. Giving a few extra treats is one thing- but butter and sugar by itself- NO WAY! My mom used to let me little girl put a finger in the butter and salt and I put a stop to that in short order. They need to agree to care for your child according to your wishes or not be allowed to be him. Do you have a close family member or friend that could help sort this out. If so, I would sit down with the in-laws and this person and discuss the main issues- trying hard to use non-blaming language. Try to stick to the main issues and let them know you are the parent and you need this behavior to stop. Good luck!
BTW- do you always capitalize the 1st letter of every word. That's a little odd as well.

Hi J.,
I have the same situation (my MIL tried to give my 4 month old a lollipop!, and gave him drinks of wine and beer!!!) But my kids are now 4 and 8 years old. Trust me, it will not be cute when your 2 year old is 8.

I believe you can't change your in-laws or your husband, you can only change yourself. Very nicely stop sending your 2 year old to your in-laws house twice a week. You will have to endure some whining, from the kid and your in-laws, but they will realize you mean business and they will realize if they want to see their grandchildren they need to be a little more respectful.

I did this in my situation and they came around very quickly. Also, I learned both my husband and my father-in0law were appalled by some of the events but were unwilling/unable to say or do anything about. Good luck.

HI J., First off you need to pick your battles. Which issue is more important to you....the whole food thing or the gift thing? If you haven't guessed your hubby is gonna hide from any confrontation so you are going to have to deal with or accept their behavior. The first thing you want to do is sit down and logically list all the things that they are doing with your son's diet that you do not approve of. Then you need to sit down with them in a quiet gentle manner and explain that you feel a need to go over your rules with them for your son. Like: No pop he can either have juice or milk or water. Snacks: He is allowed to have one peice of candy after he has had a healthy snack like carrot sticks, celery & peanutbutter, cucumber slices and ranch etc. Tell them that you appreciate all they have done, you think they are amazing people and you love them, but you really want to instill good eating habits, manners etc in your son now while he is little. You have potty trained him and he no longer needs diapers and if they have any left you would be glad to pass them along to someone that you know that needs them. Keep re-enforcing how much they mean to you, but you feel that your son needs more balance and you depend on their experience and love for your son to help him become all that he can be. Do your best not to get angry or frustrated during your talk. It will be hard but since your husband hasn't said anything it's up to you...because he won't. With time and care this will work out if you are paitent. Also start explaining to your son now that your rules are your rules and what grandma lets him do when he is there is up to her. Kids are smart and they figure out quickly that every house has it's own set of rules. Stay strong & hang in there.

Hi J.,

Tell them!!! It is one thing if they spoil him with candy, etc at their house, but when the over ride YOUR rules when you are there...they have crossed the line...and BUTTER???, and SUGAR PACKETS??? can we say diabetes and high cholesterol???

It sounds like it is becoming a health issue more than anything. When things in your home start to change because of behaviors somewhere else, it is time to change those outside behaviors or remove your child from them altogether.

Of course, you may feel bad, but I would lay down the law. They are YOUR children, and if it bothering you that much now, it may only get worse. Nip it in the bud!!

Good luck,
L.