Need Help with New Big Brother Issues

I've been through this exact situation. My son was almost 3 when his little sister was born. We prepared him the same way you did with your son. When the baby came he was totally in love with her, but very aggressive with us. It just takes time for them to adjust. What helped my son was spending one on one time with me (without the baby) and letting him actively contribute to taking care of his sister when possible. I also talked with him a lot about how he was feeling. I felt it was important for him to communicate how he was feeling and understand that all those feelings about his sister were okay. Feeling, happy, sad, or mad even at the same time is normal, but throwing tantrums, disobeying, etc is not. My kids are 4 and 18mos now and everything is fine now. They don't always get along (what brother and sister do?) but they definitely love eachother.

Spend more time with your son, doing something special just one on one. Let him know you still love him and know that he has a little sister nothing is going to change. Tell him more that you love him, give him hugs, words of love Allow him to help you with the baby such as diapers ( getting them when you need one, help putting her to bed, saying good night and giving her kisses, let him hold her (You right next to him of course) When he feels that he is a part of the family still and sees you both love him just as much He will change for the better. Good luck and congradutions.

I am a mother of five and I know what you are going through. It will take a few days or weeks, but in the end Everything will be back to normal.

My boys are 18 months apart, and it was a difficult transition period for us as well.

Definitely involving him in caring for his baby brother helped. He enjoyed the praise of being such a big helper. And he was a little guy - I would say, "I need your help!" and he would come running. Little things I could have done myself - like getting a clean diaper or the box of wipes or a burp rag.

Also, when nursing, he could bring me a book and I could read him a story. Not every time, but at 1-2 feeding times.

And I also had conversations with the baby about what a great big brother he has.

When my son asked me to lay with him at bedtime, I just gave it a time limit. 5-10 minutes depending on how I was feeling. And I would just quietly talk to him in the dark about his day and about how much we loved him and what a great big brother he was. Then time would be up, and I would tell him good night and give him a kiss and get up.

It will take some time for this adjustment for your son, and it sounds like you are already doing the best thing, which is scheduling some special alone time with him.

I actually had "dates" with my older son, where we would go to the zoo or out for ice cream while my younger son stayed with a grandparent.

You're doing fine. It's definitely normal and will just take some time.

They all handle it differently. My daughter who was almost 3 when her brother was born was the same way. At least your son loves the baby. I think in 2-3 months it will all pass. You are doing everything right hang in there.

Someone new came and he has to share his parents! 2 year olds are selfish little things. It will take a little time but once he gets the idea she is staying it will slowly get better. Say things like I am so glad you are a big boy and don't cry like the baby does. Also, make it a point to say that now it is his turn to spend time with mommy or daddy.

He is not in pain. He is jealous and it will pass as long as you reassure him he is loved. I had one of my kids try to push the baby off my lap while nursing. It is territorial and he is learning a lesson in sharing.

Good Luck,
C. B

It sounds like your son is very accepting of his new baby sister, but he is upset that he no longer recieves all of the attention of his parents. He is angry at you and your husband, and that anger at the people he loves most scares him! He needs to be reassured that not only do you still love him just as much but that you still have time for him as well. Which is much easier said than done! You also need to acknowlege his feelings and help him to identify them, you can say: "You feel mad, mad, mad right now don't you? I know that is a big strong feeling that you have and it doesn't feel good, but you still need to listen to mommy and daddy and obey." This shows that you understnd what he is going through but he is still not allowed to get away with bad behavior. It is important to talk to him about things when he is in a better mood too and let him know that you love him and that you are proud of what a good boy he and and what a good big brother that he is. Notice and comment on all the good behavior that you observe him do to encourage more of the same. And try to set aside some one-on-one time when the baby is sleeping or with your husband or grandma or whatever. Good luck and congratulations!

Hi C.,
Hang in there!!! You are all adjusting to this new situation. My girls are 3 years apart also. My oldest did a lot of the same things you mentioned. My advice would be to make sure that you get some time to devote just to your son without the baby. Perhaps when Dad is home or the baby is napping. Try to fit things into each day that have nothing to do with the baby. Then, my next trick that worked well was to "talk" the baby about the older sibling. "Tell" your newborn daughter how awesome her brother is. Point out to the baby, (so your son can hear) when her brother is doing something well. For example, "Look at that tower your brother built, wow he is a good builder." "Look at what a good helper you brother is" I also made sure to put the older child first once in a while. When possible I would say things like, "Okay baby, you have to wait for a minute, I am helping your brother right now." Just things to try and even out all of the times that the older child has to wait while the baby is the center of attention.
Your son will adjust, but it does take time. You could see these behaviors for months. Hang in there,
Take care,
B.

My kids have the same age span, it will pass but you are dealing with a young child. It takes time. I used the 'family' bed, my kiddos slept with me until they were about 4 or 5 and made the move on their own. They had their own beds and gradually slept in them more and more. Guess what? They are healthy, independant, well adjusted, honors students in their teens, never a hint of 'discipline problems'. The adjustment can take months but it is important that they not feel pushed out. After her brother was born my daughter who was 2yrs 9months at the time, wanted to nurse again. I let her and within a week or two she lost interest. She was very articulate and told me she wanted to know that she could.

Don't try to put yourself or your kids into someone else's mold or fit someone else's expectations. Chances are they don't know anymore than you do. Society's ideas on childrearing, as with virtually everything else, keep changing. There were some idiots in the 50s recommending against holding babies on the grounds that it 'spoiled' them.

Hold your som often, while you are nursing the baby have him snuggle up so you can read him a book. There are some great Berenstein Bears and others on new babies in the family. Talk about his feelings, he needs to know it's ok, he is special and he'll need to hear it over and over. While you go about the day talk about the things he can do because he is 'big' (but not too big) that the baby can't do. Big boys can go to the zoo and see all the animals, the baby is too little to care, big boys and use the potty, big boys can eat his favorite foods, and finger paint and .....

You'll get through this, like pregnancy it takes times and you can't control it. Quit worrying about what anyone else may think and do what feels right for your child and your family.

My son was two when he got a new baby sister. It didn't help that she had severe colic - cried the entire time she was awake until she was six months old. It was a nightmare. We thought we had him so prepared for a new baby. I think transitions are difficult no matter how well prepared we are. He will adjust over time. He is probably just pushing boundaries to make sure his life is still the same and that you both love him still. It will pass; just might not be much fun until it does. If it helps, my two little ones are the best of friends now. He is five and she is three and they love each other and play so well together!!! My little girls thinks her brother is the greatest thing ever and strives in all ways to be just like him.

Your little guy will get through in time - hopefully after a couple of months the adjustment will be easier. I had a second baby when my little guy was 2 and 4 months. Many of the same things happened with him. We made special time for him and gave him presents because it seems like the baby received lots and everyone was excited about seeing the baby and forgot about attention to our 2 year old. I also made a huge effort to explain what I was doing with the baby so that he could understand and I involved him as much as possible with helping me so that he took interest in the baby too. After a couple of months we saw a noticeable change and now our little guys are 4 1/2 and 2. They get along so well and really look out for each other. We still encourage respect and love for one another and they are gently reminded often! Does this give you hope? I hope so! Best wishes. J. L

Perfectly normal. My children did the same when my youngest was born. They love her and take good care of her which was my biggest fear. But noone told me that them regressing a bit was a possibility. Make sure you take a little extra time ALONE with your older child so that he feels that he's still your "baby" too. He just wants to make sure you dont forget about him and that he's still important. I had mine bring me clean diapers or the whipe box or throw the dirty diaper in the trash. Make a big deal about things he does to help you and let him do what little things he can to make him feel important. My youngest is almost 2 and my 4 year olds think she's the greatest toy they have! It'll all work out and he'll get used to the difference of having to share mommy and daddy. Good luck, it will get easier!

Stopping the laying with him WAS GREAT! That will be a bad habit and a child should fall asleep on their own and not be dependent on a parent. 5 or 10 minutes is nothing if that is all he is crying. Cuddles and love is great at bedtime, but not catering to his new insecurites. Read stories, make special time to ask about his day and laugh a little before bedtime. Just daily reassurance will help ease him into the change! Consider yourself blessed if it is only that short lived with crying.

Yes he is wanting the extra attention or just thrown as he isn't the center of your universe. I have to say my daughter handled the transition well with a newborn brother as the baby slept a lot and didn't demand a lot but when he was crawling and I had to be ultra alert with him that was really tough on my daughter as I would have to interupt her or whatever to jump to getting my son out of trouble or keeping him close by.

Show your son his baby album, really drive the point home that he was that age once and you needed to attend to him just like you did the baby. Empower him with what an important job being a big brother is and he is very much a part of helping with the baby and how she grows. Find if you can a preschool program so he feels he has something of his own. That helped a lot with my daughter going one or two days a week, being with kids her own age and having something that had NOTHING to do with the baby.
Give it time, he isn't unhappy, kids just thrive on structure and when something is disrupting his routine it kind of throws them off. He will find a new routine, include him in feedings, getting diapers for you, singing his sister songs.

Don't cater to him or coddle him either though too much. Just carving out special time for him, giving him an outlet like preschool will help a ton! Constantly praise him for being sweet and patient when he is. Like I said, my daughter was three and adjusted super well, matter of fact she would yell at me when the baby cried if I didn't jump to his attention. It was later when he was so active that really put her off. It happens and is so normal. Just encourage him to be a big boy and don't cater too much to the fits or bad behavior as that is just reenforcing it.
Hang in there, soon they will be fighting over toys and games so consider yourself blessed right now!!! :)

Please do not feel bad, I went throught this with my son who is almost exactly 4 years older than his little sister. He went back to wanting mommy to wipe his keester, dress him, feed him, etc. We started to ask our son to help with the baby. We asked him to do simple things like bring a diaper and wipes or get a burp rag. This really seemed to help our son to be a part of the family. When the baby came he felt left out even when we spent alone time with him. They need to feel apart of the baby's life too. Talk to him like he is a big boy, lets put our little baby down for a nap, then go and read a book together. I also had my son run the icky diapers to the trash, grab clean bottles out of the cabinet, help apply lotion, sing songs/lullaby's, drive to Walmart for daipers with Daddy, these things all made him a part of the big picture. Our boy wanted to be part of the whole deal. If he needs the extra time with mom and dad just give it to him (without ruining your rutine) but also make him a part of the baby's life too. He is the big brother and maybe wants to be a bigger part of it. I think after the first 6 months or so we finally figured it out. Now they are 9 and 5 and BEST friends! Best wished to you!!

I really do not have any seggestions that are different from the ones you have tried, BUT when I gave birth to my second baby, a nurse advised me to talk to the baby about my older daughter. Example: "Susy is such a wonderful little girl, and I am so blessed to have such a beutiful girl!" You use the same loving voice as you use if you were talking about the baby. The baby doesn't know yet who you are talking about, but your other child sure does. You are giving your baby what she needs, and your older one doesn't feel the attention is totally off him. It worked for me...I gradually stopped using that method, and the older one did not realize it.
It just might be worth a try. Good luck!

C.,

Yes, it is a jealousy issue. No matter how prepared you feel you are it just doesn't seem to be enough.
It will take as long as it takes.
When he wants you attention when you are holding the baby is probably the worst. He feels she is taking up his time with Mommy.
Nighttime you will just have to let him cry. Read him a story and if the baby cries let you husband handle her while you finish with him.
The acting out with you and your husband is the same thing. In his little mind he wants the attention and when he is bad he gets the attention faster.
Be patient, he will come around.
Good luck