Over the weekend we found out that my 15 year old daughter stold a diamond ring and necklace from her good friend. I am crushed that she did this and have no idea how to handle it. When asked about it she lied to the very end. Swore up and down that she did not take it. When I found them in her jewlery box she made up another story about why she had them, said they belonged to her other frined at school and she was just holding it. Not until I was in front of the house of the friend that she actually took this stuff from did she fianlly say that yes she took it.
As of right now I have taken everything out of her room, no tv, no radio, no cell phone, no Ipod...she has nothing. Cheer tryouts were this week and I told her that was done also. I cannot trust her to go to cheer camp for 4 days, I can't even trust her to go to her friends house. I asked her why and she has nothing to say to me, she almost acts like she isn't even sorry about it. I hope that is not true but that is all I'm getting from her. I went down the line about other people having more then her but she also has more then other people too. I don't know, I'm at a loss of what to do, what is the best punishment for this? Although I took cheer away and feel really bad for doing that she still has volley ball tryouts at the end of July, what are some of your thoughts, should that be taken away also? Should I take Please help with any advise....I really have no idea how to handle it what really is the best punishment or even for how long.
Oh, on one last note, this is her second time...the first time was about a year ago and she stole money from a friend that she had known for 13 years. Apprently, we did not do something right. I keep asking myself what did I do wrong....
I have read the responses so far and thank you very much! I have a lot of thinking to do on all of this. Just wanted to ask, should I let her only participate in one activity volley ball or cheer or should I let her still do both? Like I said, Cheer tryouts start today so I need to figure it out by today!
In my opinion kids this age steal because they are subconsciously trying to make up for some personal lack they feel they have. Try and find out what that is.
I agree that taking away her activities would leave her with too much time on her hands to possibly get involved with the wrong things, however, I do believe that she should be punished. If it were my daughter, I would make sure she personally took the items back and apologized to her friend. Maybe even have her write her apology out on paper explaining why she did what she did, and how it might have made her friend feel. Whatever activities she was allowed to participate in, I would make sure she was supervised/chaperoned. I would also remove the non essentials from her life- ie cellphone, tv, computer, car, etc. And lastly, I'd probably have my daughter work to earn the amount of money the stolen objects cost to illustrate their value and what it takes to earn things. I'd then have her donate the money or I'd put it into a savings fund (unknown to her) for college. Whatever you decide is best to do, I'd suggest you figure it out in advance with your husband then the two of you should have a heart to heart discussion with your daughter about what her punishment will be and why what she did was wrong. Explain to her what exactly you expect from her. Do all this pretty matter of fact, and try not to be overly emotional/angry. Be firm and matter of fact through out the duration of her punishment. Getting emotional or continually angry will take away from what you are trying to communicate to her. Good luck.
You need to stay strong. If you told her she can not do cheer then don't let her do cheer. IF you back down she well not think you are serious. I think you she keep her grounded unitl she shows she is turly sorry. How ever long it takes. Let her know that. You should probaly make a minimum time say 2 weeks and then wait for her to be sorry. I really think that having a police officer talk to her could be a really good thing. they may even go as far as putting cuffs on her and in the back of the car. All to make a point. I had a firend in high school who did the same thing. It was after her 10th time that her parents called the cops. They talked to her for about 30 mintues. When it looked like she was just not listening to what they had to say and was being very mean to them, they put her in cuffs and into the car. They finished there confersation with her paying a lot of attention. she never stoll anything again. You daughter is close to being an adult in the eyes of the law and she needs to understand what the adult ramifications of stealing are.
Good Luck and keep us posted.
A.
I agree with Lisa R D. You shouldn't take away all of her activities or else she will have to find other things to do. Have you tried making her pay for her Volley Ball equipment or whatever costs for it? Or buy her own things. Something that shows her what she is taking wasn't free to that person?
I think you are doing the right thing now, as long as you follow through (which it sounds like you will).
One last resort is talking to the police station and seeing if they would give her a tour of where she will end up if she continues to steal. It sounds a little extreme, but if your daughter doesn't seem to show any remorse, maybe it would be good for her.
Best of luck!
T.,
Addressing the issue by giving your daughter consequences works well. At the same time I can see where it will also add to the issue because the underlying problem is not being addressed.
Here's what I mean.
Your daughter's steeling is a symptom of something occuring inside of her that she doesn't know how to articulate. Teenage rebellious activities are the surface behaviors that reflect an inner conflict.
Teenage rebellion is like a family's alarm system that there is something in the system that isn't working and the teenager uses behaviors to get attention. It isn't a selfish thing, it is a way of dealing with what's happening and primarily unconscious.
Her choice to steel was a conscious choice but the choice to gain attention for an inner conflict is unconscious, does that make sense?
Nonetheless, if you address what's happening at the surface level you may create change and she will not steel again. However, if it works and she doesn't steel again, she will act out in other ways if the inner conflict is not dealt with.
Teenagers by nature will test boundaries and that is a part of their normal growth. It is the job of the parents to act as the guide rails consistently so that the teenager can test boundaries in a healthy way and the family relationships do not fall in the process.
The guide rails are your family's purpose and values. There are no accidents that you have the family that you do. There is a purpose that you are a family. Do you know what your family purpose is? Why has your family come together as a family?
The other thing is values. When values are clear all decisions and conflicts become easy to handle. For example if as a family you value honesty then each member of the family gets to understand what honesty is and how your family chooses to live valuing honesty. In other words what behaviors show up when you are a commitment to living life valuing honesty.
Involving your daughter in the discussion about family purpose and values so that she has ownership of it is critical. Then when these issues come you have a place to talk about it from. Then it is not a new conversation, it is a discussion and inquiry about how the behavior supports what she declared with the family as far as values are concerned.
Does this make sense?
I work with families everyday on these types of issues and during our coaching sessions families become very clear about it and leave behind the parenting doubt that can come when we make decisions like, "Did I do the right thing?" They no longer worry about whether they did the right thing.
Call anytime.
R.
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DO NOT LET HER DO CHEER TRYOUTS!
You told her no, don't go back on your word. She must understand how serious this is. If you go back on your word she'll know that you don't really mean what you say. You can make a decision about volleyball in July, you still have time for that.
If she is stealing from her friends, do not let her go to friends houses. When she's off restriction they can come to your house where you can personally monitor them. Your daughter obviously needs more supervision right now and she'll know that you care enough to make the tough decisions. Even though you don't want to.
If you didn't make her repent to the friend she stole it from, then do that now. She needs to look her face, tell her she did it and (hopefully) sincerely apologize.
Stick to your guns, its not fun but you will raise a fine young lady.
P.S. If you are a Christian then talk to your Pastor, also I would recommend setting up a meeting with your Pastor, daughter, and yourself and husband. He can help you guys get through this and help your daughter get on the right path. Cheer can't do that. :-) God bless you and your family.
One thing you might try is to have her do volunteer work. Maybe at a homeless shelter or something similar. This might teach her the concept of her having more than a lot of other people. Maybe go with her and discuss this while she is helping others. It will also keep her occupied during a time when she might have been doing her sports.
T.,
Don't let her do either! She needs to get her priorities straight first before allowing her any freedom. I would make her personally apologize to the girl that she took it from, the mother and the father too. Have her do some community service for maybe a homeless shelter,battered women's etc. Since this is her second time, you can always do a little scare tactic and that is call the police and have an officer come and speak to your daughter about stealing and if she is caught or charged with stealing-what the consequences are. I know that may sound harse, but at her age she should know better and you need to nip this one in the bud. Good luck to you and try not to blame yourself- teenagers sometimes don't think about their actions and sometimes it take a big wakeup call for them to really get it.
Your a good mom and you didn't do anything wrong!!!
Molly
Hi T.. This is a tough one. Did you have her return the stolen items and confess to her friend? That would be one thing I would suggest. She will have to suffer the consequences of losing a friend and possibly getting a reputation of a theif and not being aloud into the homes of others. I wouldn't take away all of her activities, because that would just leave her time to find other things to do that she probably shouldn't. I agree with taking away her material items for a period of time, but I do believe that facing her peers at school that know what she did, will be the hardest punishment she will endure.
I've heard it said that children steal from friends or relatives, because they admire that person and want to be like them. She obviously wasn't thinking what the effect of her actions would be.
I really feel for you. Try not to blame yourself. In the end she had to face the consequences. I would seriously reconsider taking away her chance at organized sports or cheer. Most of these have very strict codes of conduct and studies have proven that children that participate are less likely to get involved in drugs or face teen pregnancy. I think that taking away her extras was a great idea. I would also consider having her volunteer at a shelter or with truly disadvantaged children. It might be a real wake up call if she were to see how fortunate she truly is. Obviously you are trying to do the best you can for your family. The fact that she did finally admit the truth and had to face that friend does mean something. Stay strong and trust yourself.
