Need Help with Husband

I have 4 mo old daughter too! But we also have a 2 yr old son. Some men are just uncomfortable around infants, but it gets better when the baby develops more of a personality. Other men are a little uncomfortable with girls in particular, for whatever reason. I wish my husband would spend more time with her too. But I think some of the old-fashioned guys kinda think its the mom's job to take care of the infants, but he'll help when the baby gets bigger. I would go out and leave him with her more, so he doesn't have a choice. I guarentee he'll have a good time with her, and the more time he spends with her, the more comfortable they will both be. Guys are just different!!

Well you can't force a bond or relationship between them. You can gently ease them into one though.

I like the idea of leaving him alone with her and I don't at the same time. I would be worried if he get's frustrated and irritated with her easily he might harm her unintentionally like shaken baby syndrome or start to resent you or the baby.

I guess I would try and make yourself busy at home where he has to help out.

hhmmm this one is a toughy.

Okay, long story short, a friend asked me how to get her husband to help more, so I asked my husband if this were our situation, what oculd I do to get him to help more because I wanted a guy's perspective. His answer was that he would be most likely to want to help if the two of us sat down and defined the roles together. Maybe your husband doesn't know what to do with a young infant and therefore avoids it because he's uncomfortable. My husband is a wonderful father, but even with #4 whose 4 months if she starts fussing too much he'll just hand her off. I know this is a huge stereotype, but I think most men just don't know what to do with a crying infant (or at least think they don't.) Also, especially if you are nursing, they figure you've got the equipment so you can handle the situation better. A lot of the time my husband could do the same thing I'm doing he just has basically decided he can't and therefore it won't happen. Anyway, I say you talk through who should do what with him and don't force it on him. If he isn't ready he'll just resent you for making him do it and may resent his daughter for it as well. He needs to spend time with her and he needs to help in some way, but maybe your original plan doesn't work anymore. Maybe he helps with housework more and you take care of bedtime. Maybe he plays with her before she's fussy to get comfortable and then moves into the more difficult time before bed. Whatever you decide, decide it together, don't force it on him. I know it may not sound fair, but, believe me, it is just the first in a list of "unfair" roles between mom and dad. And I say that knowing my huband is a great father!

Hi S.,

I know how tough it is being a first time mom and wife. But I do think that having a brand new baby, only 4 months old, that you should be the one doing the majority of the bonding, don't forget where the 'little one' was created (inside of you) and the baby needs the closeness, only you! can give. I hope things get better.

Hi S.,

Before we had our baby, I knew my husband was going to an awesome father - he loves kids and is great with other people's kids. So you can imagine our surprise when we came home with our crying lump of baby only to realize he didn't have ANY patience for the baby. I mean NONE! He was just as surprised as me! It took him many many months to learn how to bond with and interact with our daughter. There was even a period of time when she would cry whenever he came near her. It was rough going for all of us; I was the primary caregiver and doer of all tasks domestic, while he got to go about normal life as if nothing had changed. When she got to an age where her personality really started to come out (around 5-6 months), my husband started taking on more caregiver tasks more readily. Now my daughter is 13 months old, and has been a "daddy's girl" since about 8 months! Their faces light up when the other enters the room...she runs to him when he comes home from work...he wakes up early so he can spend extra time with her. It took a long time for them to warm up to each other, but now, they are inseparable. My advice (and I learned the hard way, because I am a control freak) is to let him figure things out for himself...don't micromanage how he does things with your daughter - it will make him not want to do anything. Their bond will come with time.

As far as the division of labor goes, I think it is only fair, if both parents work outside of the home, that both parents equally divide tasks at home. You're all working to run a household and family - you can't be expected to do more just because you're the mom! I think that as the baby gets older, and gets on a schedule that is more in line with your family (3 meals a day, regular bedtime, etc...) it becomes easier to parse out tasks and form routines. Now that we have dinner together as a family, we have a whole routine that starts when my husband gets home from work all the way up to when the baby goes to bed. It's nice because I don't feel like I am doing all the work, and while we're taking care of the baby together, we're all bonding and having nice family time. I hope that you and your husband find your stride!

hi S.- i think it takes some guys a bit longer to get the hang of things. my husband was scared to give baths at first and he still has not given one all my him self but he is there helping out. maybe if u do it to gether that will help.

Yes, leave them alone together. It worked like a charm for my family. When our son was born, my husband had never fed a baby OR changed a diaper. Now, 9 months later, he's a SAHD.

Run errands, visit a friend, whatever. Do this for a couple of weeks, so your husband learns his own way of taking care of your daughter, then respect his way, don't interfere. My husband and I each do things a little bit differently, but in the long run, it doesn't matter.

I think a run to the grocery store or out somewhere is a good idea. Maybe he's nervous with you around (if he doesn't do things the same way you do) or maybe it's just too easy to hand her off. Or I'd give him a choice like "would you rather scrub the floor or give the baby a bath - both need to get done". I like the other suggestions that keep bathtime to one parent - it might be more consistent for your daughter too.

S.,
Since I stay home with my child and my husband works, my situation might be a little different than yours. That being said, over time he and I have simply taken on different tasks. He has consistently given our son a bath every night he needs one since he was about 3-4 months old. As part of that routine, he then puts on his jammies and gets him ready for bed. Then I am the one who puts him down. My son's always been a pretty good sleeper, going to bed at 7 and getting up 12 hours later) so that routine has just been easy going for us. On the weekends, we do sometimes fight about who should get up with our son or who should make lunch, etc., but it mostly comes down to me doing it! My husband is a WONDERFUL man, don't get me wrong, and he is much more agreeable when I take on the "caretaker" role. Although I end up doing most of the caring, he helps out in the little ways with certain things, and that makes all the difference. You shouldn't have to force your child on your husband, but sometimes feedings and bathtime can feel like chores to anyone. You should, however, expect that he'll help with those things, and make sure he understands that you mean business! It's hard to do it all by yourself!
Amy

Instead of taking turns with bedtime routine, why not do it all together, as family?

I remember reading an article, when my oldest was a newborn, saying that when two people get married, their old, single life dies and they have to figure out their new life as a couple, as a team. Then, when a baby is added to the mix, that life as a couple dies and you have to figure out a new life as a group. I know it sounds a little hokey, but it rang true to me then and still does now. Once you add a baby to the mix everything changes, and that's really hard for everyone. Maybe if you and your husband can work that piece out together, then you could move on to working on one-on-one time for your husband and the baby.

Good luck!

M.

S., When our kids were babies we took turns a little differently. If I fed them, he bathed them and we both got their pj's on and tucked them in together. This was necessary when we started cereal. It was hard to feed them because it was so messy and took so long. We both would need a break! So the other would step in and do the bath. We never had to discuss it and set up and schedule though. I think it was just cool that we wanted to help each other. But maybe you just need to ask for what you need. Use "I" statements like, "I am tired, can you help me for a minute?" or "I think she likes it when you feed her, would you like to do it?" Sometimes we as women think that our husbands can read our minds, or should just know that we want their help. They don't. And they absolutely do not get subtle hints!!! We have to spell it out clearly what we want or they just won't get it. I told my husband I needed a new winter coat and I wanted a pink one for christmas. You could not imagine how difficult it was for him to pick one out. He brought home two coats, wrapped them both together, and then when I opened them he told me to pick which one I really liked. He got one fushia pink and one light pink one:) He said next year just cut out a picture of what I want so he doesn't have to guess.

Hi S. - I had the same concern about my husband with my firstborn. He would have loved to spend more time w/her but his job required him to travel almost every week. By the time he came home the last thing he wanted to do was take care of a newborn. He was tired, sometimes cranky and just wanted to relax. At first it was hard for him to know what to do with her but I gave him some ideas. It's very important not to tell him "how to do things" but let him do it his way (even if it's not the exact way you'd handle things). What really helped was when I got a new job in the evenings/weekends. I also started going out with the girls at least once a month. As the baby got older and after I was done breastfeeding at a year, the more natural it was for him to feel more comfortable AND he had special things he did just with her - certain games and/or activities and he likes to make up different stories with her (where I read books exactly as stated). Ever since I started working (cuz I was a SAHM)or leaving - it was necessary for him to step in (even when he was a little unsure of himself), she became Daddy's little girl. If you let it go on too long - you won't ever get a break. I've noticed this with my friend who has 2 girls. Her husband calls her almost immediately after she's stepped out of the house - he feels helpless and the girls actually don't feel comfortable with him alone. They always want their mommy to fix things and put them to bed too. Ease into it - run short errands at first, go out with a few friends another week, and maybe give him a full day with the babe the next. He'll get the hang of it and will figure out what works best for him and your dtr as well as feel more comfortable.