My husband refuses to have Thanksgiving or Christmas with my 27 year old son. there is quite a bit of history; my son is an alcoholic and smokes pot. Husband refuses to let our 8 year old son be around my older son. I asked him today, as I have in years past, if we could pick my son up to take him to Thanksgiving at my bros. Big blow up followed. I told husband I would spend another holiday without rest of my family. Any thoughts? Husband says anyone in their right mind would agree with him. I love both my boys and want my family together!
Yes, not my husband's son. My son was 16 when my husband and I met. We married a year later. Husband has always been jealous? of son, at least I think so. Husband holds my son's problems over my head whenever he can. My 27 y/o is a very intelligent man with lots of problems. I simply get no support from my husband.
I would tell him that if he's clean an sober the son can come if not , no deal.
I would not want someone that was drunk, smelled like alcohol or pot at Thanksgiving.
Also if you push the issue Thanksgiving will be a very stressful event for everyone.
As long as your son is not drunk or high when he comes over or you pick him up, does not bring any of that "stuff" around, and is not violent I would expect to be able to have him there too.
I'm not sure what that past is, but I would hope that your husband could be civil for a couple hours on a holiday. If it is the drugs and alcohol only. Tell your son the ground rules - he will be clean and sober. If not - he gets to call a cab.
We have this same issue with my husband's sister. She is a severe drunk and we did put a stipulation on her that if she is drunk or had been drinking then she could not join us. It is not that we do not have drinks once and a while, she just gets out of control and I do not want my three kids exposed to that.
I would talk to your husband about that as a solution and then clarify with your husband on the other line or in front of your older son that if he drinks or has any pot, then you will immediately take him home.
The BIG bummer about all of this is, your son is a grown man and needs to take responsibility for himself. Your responsibility is with your husband now. You did your raising of your son, and unfortunately we can never predict how they will choose to spent their adult life.
As much as you love him, you have got to give him the option to be sober or not join you and this will work ONLY if your husband agrees to the terms. If your husband is still dead set on your son not joining you even if he is sober then you need to respect that and make other plans with your son. Your husband is right, it is not good for your child to be exposed to self-destructive people even if it is his half-brother or in our case their aunt.
Good luck, I know how hard it is!
May be you can get your son to agree that he will be sober, dry and clean for the gathering. I can understand your point of view as mom but there is another side to this.
The holidays are so full of expectations. Perhaps this is a situation to work on throughout the year instead of just springing it on hubby for the holiday. As long as your 27 year old is not sober, he can't come around. If the holiday celebration is at another relatives place, your grown son should be able to get there on his own but if it is at your place, you need to respect your husbands wishes. Men know men. I hate that but I have learned that this is too true for words. Even though it hurts you, what is your husbands motives for his decisions? If they are even remotely valid, ask him if it would be possible to spend 2011 working on the relationship with the 27 year old so the holidays for 2011 will be different. Just some food for thought.
I take it he's not your husbands 'real son'..... just seems that way. As long as the 27 yr old isnt High or Drunk while at this family function, I dont see the harm in it - YET we dont know the whole history. Its the Holidays, time to get together with Family! What if he just showed up at your brothers house? Does the rest of the family not want him around as much as your husband doesnt? I hope things work out for you! Must be hard anytime of year, especially the holidays. GL
I'm not sure I totally understand your plans - having it at your brothers is something new or the original plan, wondering if you were just going to drop off your son at your brother's ...?
But I do see both sides of this story. My husband would probably totally agree with your husband. I am on the fence. YES it is family, BUT if your son is illegally carrying pot with him and is drunk, it is just NOT a good idea to have him around your son. 1. You don't want your son to learn that Mom and Dad are acceptable of this type of behavior 2. He could hurt your son if he got too beligerent. 3. Your son may be hurt emotionally to see his parents at such odds arguing about this. I understand you want your family together. But this is not your husband's son? The holiday's should be stress-free. Do what's easiest on you and your family - which I think would be to leave your eldest out of it. Does the rest of the family (aunts, uncles, etc) want a drunk high 27 yr old there? At my family's Thanksgiving, the answer would be no.
We have certain family that my husband does not want my son to hang around with b/c he says that if our son sees us accept them and their lifestyle, then our son could easily say one day down the road "Well you didn't care when Uncle Joe did it. Why do you care that I do it?"
I hope I made some sense. I'm having a brain fart with my words today. Good luck with this. I know it's not easy, as we have a few 'black sheep' in the family.
Based on the info you gave, I agree with your husband. If the tables were turned and it was his son, would you want him around your 8 year old? Also, what kind of relationship do you have with your 27 year old? Do you see him often or only around the holidays?
Holidays are about getting together with extended family, sometimes we dont get along great with a certain aunt or in law but we can do it for a few days a year! I pray to be able to spend the holidays with my oldest son despite his problems. I would not let anyone (except my son himself) interfere with that. I also want my youngest to be with his older brother for special days, he doesn't understand about bad choices his brother has made.
Your hubby is not the one you need to remind what family is and what his bad choices are keeping him from, your son needs to be reminded that if he gets his act together there is a loving family waiting for him. you don't want to send him the message that it's hopeless! So maybe its your hubby that needs to be without you for the holiday?
I hope it works out
I understand where you husband is coming from, I wouldn't want my child around that either. But as long as you make it obvious to your older son that it is unacceptable to show up on anything, if he cares to be around he should respect your wishes. Tell you husband to give your son a chance, one chance, if he messes up then you wont invite him anymore. Stress to your son how important this is to you and hopefully he will shape up long enough to be around the family for the holidays. He deserves a chance, and your husband need to understand that. Good Luck to you!
I admire you for not giving up on your oldest son. Your husband needs to find it in his heart to support you in maintaining a relationship with your son in spite of your son's problems. You had a child when he married you, and he needs to accept your son as his own. We don't walk away from our kids because they are troubled. And for heavens sake, the holidays is no time for drawing lines in the sand. Son should be clean and sober to go but your husband also needs to make an effort to be gracious. It has taken me years and years to get my husband and my daughter to be civil, no real warmth yet but we're getting there. Few more years. I won't give up. I wish you all the best.
