Choosing Sides During the Holidays - How Do You Choose?

I quit! I recently posted about this. I'm opting out of Thanksgiving, and telling my family to come to US for Christmas :)

Your deciding among the wrong people. The side to choose during the Holidays is the KIDS side! How can you celebrate this holiday that will provide meaning (and enjoyment!) for THEM? How can you instill taraditions in them they'll want to carru on with their own kids some day? What Traditions?

I don't think Suffering at Sisters is fitting those needs. Decide what will and then start doing it!

Always choose your husband.

So if you feel the need to make yourself, your husband, and your children miserable, but she is not willing to bend her feelings to make EVERYONE else comfortable?

Just as a side thought, have you ever offered your kitchen to your sister? Then maybe she could cook and serve the meal, but everyone wouldn't be feeling like they were trapped in a box?

You don't choose. You have everyone come to you. If they don't want to, then, well, you know where you stand with them. If it's just you & your immediate little family, then so be it. Holidays should be happy, not sad & stressful.

Personally I think you are sparing the wrong persons feelings. Your sister isn't being very understanding. When you are a hostess you have to consider more than it being "your turn". Parking, space, driving distance, pets, etc....

I don't host the holidays because I am out of town, therefore it does fall to someone who lives in our hometown, but not a bit deal. We all do pot luck.

My parents don't do it, because they have space and parking issues, then factor in 2 people being severly allergic to my parents dogs makes their house doubly out.

My Aunt and Uncle have decided that in their advanced age having it at their house was too much. My cousin has volunteered her place. Plenty of parking, no indoor pets, etc...

Now I think you need to quit considering your sisters feelings and consider your husands. I would start a new tradition this year and try to explain it to your sister, but I doubt she is going to understand. I would not be spending the holidays without my husband to pacify my sister.

You *might* have to decide between his family or yours, or alternate years, etc. But you really shouldn't choose your family over YOUR family. Be with your husband and children for all holidays. Sounds like your husband has complied in past years...now he's "done" ... maybe it's time for you to be "done" too. Make your own holiday!

Your husband has put up with it for years while your sister has been an insensitive selfish biotch for years. I don't see how this is a hard choice, stay home with your husband. If you really want to see family invite them to your house. If sis refuses to come that's her decision.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. It sounds really difficult.
Since you asked for advice, I would start off by saying that if you have to make a decision, you decide with your husband. I wouldn't be separate from him on a holiday. He needs to know that you put him first, even if it's difficult. And your kids need to see that too.
Perhaps it would help if you wrote your sister a letter, outlining the difficulties of spending the whole day at her place. Not that it's a judgement, just a reality, and you would like for her to take into consideration how difficult it is for you. I'd also bring up your feeling obligated, and how that has the potential to make you feel resentful. You love her, and appreciate her sincere motivation to host and be hospitable, but sometimes being hospitable actually means making allowances for those that have more to take into consideration (e.g. small kids.) And you would love to spend the holiday with her, her company is important to you, but if the setting makes it uncomfortable for the majority, then you would love it if she could make allowances for that. Ask her if her priority is to host, despite people not enjoying themselves? Or if her priority is to spend enjoyable, comfortable time with your family? That puts the ball in her court - she has to decide what is more important to her. Tell her you are not making a judgement on the size of her apartment or difficulty with parking and lugging things, but it's just the reality. Tell her you would prefer to look forward to Thanksgiving and spending time with her, and having your kids spend time with her, but that if you are feeling obligated to go to her place, it's just something you dread.
And then I would tell her that you hope she understands and can have grace for your decision as a family not to go there for Thanksgiving. You are open to other location suggestions. And she is still welcome to join you for Christmas, and you would love her presence then, but she is never to feel obligated, only welcomed.
So it's not 'blowing off' - more an explanation of what is going to be healthiest for your family. Your kids deserve to have happy memories of their childhood Thanksgivings.

Easier said than done, I know. I've had to put down similar life boundaries and it's not easy, BUT it's usually for the best, and things mostly turn out well.

Good luck!

If you're able to do the holiday at your house - simply say to sis (and anyone else you'd like) - "we've decided that we'd like to have a chance to host Thanksgiving once in a while and we're starting this year. Dinner is at 1, we'd love it if you'd join us." Then stop talking. If your sister gets upset, etc. - just say - I'm sorry you feel that way, we'll miss having you here. Don't argue or make excuses or explain anything. Just say that you're staying home this year and they are welcome to join you - period. There's no reason why you and your entire family should be miserable EVERY year.

Could you offer to host yourself? Or switch off years? One year your sister does it, the next year you or your dad do it? Sometimes people without kids just don't get it about how stressful it can be dealing with them, especially around the holidays. Does your husband's family not get together for Thanksgiving? We used to switch off years-one year DH's family and the next year my family. We'd do dessert at the opposite family's home.

Honestly, I wouldn't put up with my sister hosting under those conditions. Yes, you shouldn't be rude and purposely hurt someone's feelings. But there's something to be said for putting your family's needs first and not subjecting your kids to barking dogs in their faces.

And if I had to pick who to make mad, I'd vote for the person I don't have to live with! lol Sorry! Hope you figure it out!

Wow, I think that I am definitely in the minority here. Maybe because I was the sibling that moved to "the city" in my family I have a different perspective. It sounds to me like you are saying that because she is single and lives in the city she should HAVE to travel for EVERY holiday if she wants to spend the holiday with her family. I did this for many years and just because she is single doesn't make it any easier for her. I now have 2 children and a husband and the largest house in the family, but because I set the precendent many years ago that I would always travel to be with my family I am still doing it.

I definitely think that it is worth a talk with your sister about how you can make the holiday work for everyone, but I think you should make sure you let her know that you can see things from her side as well and maybe think outside of the box on how best to handle things.

Good Luck,
D.

Don't do it! Your husband is right you just need to tell your sister no!

This doesn't seem like it is about sparing feelings so much is not having to confront the obvious. I love my brother but if I had to go through what you described I would tell him he is crazy for suggesting it.

Do not continue to make a family time miserable just to placate your sister.

Ali brings up a very good point as well. It is not a matter of my turn. I would love to have my husband's family over for any holiday but they all live over three hours away. If I offered this year I would feel awful if they all drug themselves to St Louis just to spare my feelings that St Louis isn't the best choice. Why would anyone who cares about their family want them to be miserable just because it is their turn.

Don't think of it as choosing between hubby and family. think of it as choosing between relaxation and stress.

You've tried it your sister's way, and that makes your holiday horrible. I say stay home with hubby, let the folks go to your sisters. Your sis will see that without you and your family there, it will be less stress, the dog will behave (maybe) and hubby will be happy.

Just like you said that its her "option" to come to your house for xmas, its your option also to make the drive to hers for Tgiving. You do NOT have to go. We ran into this problem with my mom since my hubby and I have been married. She INSISTED on having xmas eve at her house. She lives by herself and there is me, hubby and our 3 kids. I kept telling her it wasn't reasonable for us to drag all the presents to her house and back home again after they were opened. She didn't care and insisted so we did it. I told her straight out...NEVER AGAIN!!! It was the WORST xmas eve we ever had! It just was not comfortable, so stressful and NOT fun! So I told her from then on that every single holiday and family party was to be at MY house and it has been. So if I were you, I would call your mom and dad and get them on your side. See if maybe they could have it at one of their homes...if not, tell them why you will be having it at yours from now on. THEN call sis and tell her. Be honest with her, she can't argue with you because they are all valid reasons. Tell her you are having it at your house and she is welcome to come if she likes. Otherwise, just see her on Christmas, no big deal. She can have Tgiving at her house and invite friends that have no where else to go. Good luck!

We don't choose usually...For Christmas we have a rotating schedule. We do my mom's house one year, my in-law's house the next year, and we stay home the next year. Everyone knows the schedule and we usually just stick to it. We are flexible if needed... one year our in-laws rented a house for everyone to stay at in Hawaii. It was our year to go to my mom's house and luckily my in-laws invited her to come too. I know what you mean though - it is hard. You have a family and you should stand up for yourself with your sister. Tell her some years you and your family will be having Thanksgiving at home or with your in-laws. If she doesn't understand that is her problem...she needs to be less self centered. On the years you have it at home invite her to come if she wants to and if not then don't worry about it. This year your husband does not want to go there, and I do not blame him. Will he be willing to go for dessert only and have less time there? Would he be willing to go there every 3rd year? I don't think it is fair that your sister have every Thanksgiving at her house. You have in-laws and your own family traditions now. PS - I would pick husband personally.

Holidays aren't fun with all the chaos and stress. Doing things you don't like to spare someone's feelings isn't good either if you harbor bad feelings for doing it. Having to beg and manipulate to get it done is demeaning to you. And being afraid to blow her off because she may be spiteful in the future to your children says a lot about her character...you may want to rethink them spending time with her at all. Seriously, putting them in situations where they're going to be reprimanded for things they didn't do isn't fair to them.

Why not do Thanksgiving at home with your husband and children? Ask him if he'd like to do that. I don't know if your home is large enough to accommodate your relatives, if not that's OK, in any event tell your sister you are starting some family traditions and memories on your branch of the family (which you should be trying to do.) If it is large enough and he agrees invite them, your sister can't ALWAYS have the holiday as "hers." If she throws a fit so be it, your parents can still go there, stick to your guns. Of course she'd be more than welcome to bring the dishes she'd like to your home, as you've been doing to hers.

As far as deciding between "family" and husband (who is also your family) talk to your husband after Thanksgiving and ask if he'd be agreeable to going to your sister's every other year. Sometimes compromise is the best decision and fairest to all.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I think you should just be honest with your sister, and tell her that while she hosts a very nice holiday, it's just no longer feasible for your family to make that long drive with the kids, or try to keep the kids calm and quiet in such a small space. Tell her you absolutely don't mind hosting all of the holidays, and that you will be doing so from now on. You owe it to yourself, husband, and kids to make the holidays enjoyable and memorable. Start this year!
I was so fed up with dealing with my husband's big family for the holidays. Every year it's a big hassle while all of his sisters figure out what their in-laws are doing. So I sent out a group e-mail and announced we were having Thanksgiving at our house. If they can join us, great. If not, we'll see them at Christmas. I feel so much better! I feel like I am in control of this holiday for once. I think we'll do this every year whether his family likes it or not.

My younger sister can be this way too but in the end she is your sister and sounds like a good one except this issue.

We live in the city and I host occasionally. Between dinner and dessert we take a trip down to state street and walk around in the lights and see the windows. My kids and nieces and nephews look forward to it as a kickoff for Christmas. Gets everyone out of the house and some fresh air!

I'd also suggest alternating between your family and hubby's family on Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Lastly, when the emotion of the Holidays is removed grab lunch or a drink with your sister and just talk to her about it. Hey sis, I love that you want to host Thanksgiving because it's a lot of work. I'm afraid as the kids get bigger and mom and dad and your dog get older we are outgrowing your apartment. What would you think of alternating where YOU host Thanksgiving. You could come and sleep over at my house and use my kitchen... Good luck!

PS "God help the mister, who comes between me and my sister. And god help the sister, who comes between me and my man"

I often host Thanksgiving and tell everyone they can come if they want. We will also travel that day if it works. Christmas Eve we try to visit both my family and my hubby's (because both sides have always done Christmas Eve) and then on Christmas Day we stay home. Anyone wanting to see us knows where to find us.

In your case, ask you sister if she would consider hosting at an alternative location (a church hall, your parents, or your homes). Explain that with the kids and dogs it is just too much.

Maybe just have a conversation with her and your Mom about splitting th e holidays differently. Maybe your kids should be allowed to have Thanksgiving in their own home once in a while? However, I think it would be fair for her to have Christmas then. You can't have it all your way. She is entitiled to host a holiday regardless of whether she has kids. It is a generous act to be hostess and she enjoys it. I think you and your husband need to be a bit more gracious.

Normally, I would say tha thubby comes first, but in this case, I think you need to work on a schedule to trade off holidays, but I don't see how or why you would avoid going to her place.

This is really tricky because I've been in your sister's shoes. My sisters with families never wanted to come to my house to celebrate the holidays because it was so much easier for me to travel to theirs. One sister claimed Christmas because she wanted her son to wake up in his own bed every Christmas. So even after I had two much smaller kids I had to travel 4-5 hours every holiday.

I felt unimportant in my family. Just because I was single didn't mean I didn't want to host holidays. I finally declared that we wouldn't travel every holiday. I suggested we round robin the holidays and after a bit of angst, my sisters and I came up with a plan that worked for everyone. Some years we're able to get together, others not.

My suggestion would be to sit down with your sister and parents and talk it out, along with your husband. Be prepared for hurt feelings, both hers and potentially yours. Just giving her an ultimatum will probably not work. But chances are, you may be able to come up with a compromise.

Hmmm...this one is hard. Don't let your hubby make you decide. My husband tells me if he doesn't want to go and he's okay if I go or if I stay. Not in a mean way, but in an "I understand the family thing but I really don't want to" kind of way. But he's been much better about sucking it up lately.

Your situation sounds rough. I'd tell your sister with the kids it is so much easier to not haul them out. I stopped doing it years ago. The holidays are at my house because it's easier. My house is big, no animals, and seating for everyone. My parents house is also big, but they have animals, and not enough seating.

Just be prepared to have dinner at your house without your sister and parents this year.

I invited my ENTIRE family over this year...two sisters, two broters, parents, significant others, and niece. One sister and one brother are not coming because they don't like my other sister's boyfriend. Ha! I told them all I respect their decisions, but it's my home and they need to also respect mine.

Maybe try that? Just be honest with her...she's an adult (I assume) and she'll get over it.

I totally understand your situation. I also had the Sister in the City who wanted to host things, and bringing the three kids into a small space made everyone crazy. Luckily, my parents are still together so we don't have that added stress, but still, I can sympathize.
I also have a hubby who gets pushed too far and digs in his heels every once in a while where my family is concerned. I just tell him that I understand his discomfort, and if he isn't able to join us, that's fine, he can have a day off. It's one less person in the house, and I don't feel like I have to babysit him the whole time. Plus, he gets some Guy Time alone in the house and a plate of leftovers when we get home. The next day we all do something fun together as just our family.
That's what works for us, anyway. Oh, and tell your sister to put the dog in a bedroom and shut the door. Dogs and kids make me nervous.
Good luck! Happy Turkey Day!

Your sister should understand that Thanksgiving is NOT her holiday and offer to have it at your house since it is easier for your family not to travel. Suggest that you can take turns when a holiday is destinated to be at someone's house.

This is simple. I wouldn't go. I would be truthful about it stating everything you wrote here...its too small, the dog etc. I would either stay home, go to your in-laws or offer to have it at your house.