Need Help to Stop a 9Yr Old from Lying

Found out why she feel that she need to lie? Talk to her, there is a problem and she feels safer lying.

Sounds like she is trying to get you and your husband's attention. She could use some quality time with you one on one. Emphasize to her that you love her but need her to be honest. My friend, who teaches parenting classes, said nine year olds go through some changes. Have there been any changes in your household that could have triggered this behavior?

Sandra

I am a very honest and forthright person now as an adult. I had a reputation as a child though. I would lie till I was blue in the face . I would rant and cry and insist that whatever I was saying was true when it WAS CLEARLY NOT true.

My mom was depressive and angry and she yelled a lot. I was grounded half my life. The consequences for my actions were never just to talk through and review what I had done wrong. It was Cataclysmic.

I am not saying that's what's going on here. What I'm saying is that lying is like a symptom of a problem. You have to find out what her problem is.Mine was my mothers depression and paranoia. The lying will go away in time. One thing about it though. It's a really hard habit to break, so if you see she is trying and she messes up and lies again....give her a few chances to correct herself, remind her of how hard honesty is sometimes and tell her she did a good job. That is, if you see an effort being made. Some kids start at school and it seeps into home life.

Aside from that, I agree that calm quiet talk with no deadlines and reminders. Friendly reminders of all her accomplishments.....notice every truth.

I have one thing to say about the lying child. It takes a LOT of ENERGY to keep that up. I thought about your question and I remebered my past and I thought. Man, Why would I cry and cry and make a big deal? I had the energy for it. I am a very energetic and involved, helpful and honest person now. Don't give up. She just needs to use that tremendous energy in a more positive way. She doesn't feel like you cannot be trusted. She is just stuck in a vicious cycle.

Good luck.

K.,

Spend more one on one time with her and have a lot of fun time together, then have more serious talks, but don't put her on the defense. Just be honest in a loving way and let her know that the lying is hurting your relationship and that when she wants your attention to ask for it. Then, when she does ask for it, you need to stop what you are doing and give her the attention she needs. Listen to her attentively and encourage her regularly.

Take Care,
T.

One thing that I would like to point out, which I feel is very important, Never ask your child a question (if she said or did something) if you know the answer to it. That encourages them to lie. I know it sounds strange, but you will notice a difference if you try it. Then I would explain why telling the truth is important. Not to make much emphasis on the negative. Encourage telling the truth that will set her free to be comfortable with herself. I like to explain to the child that God gave these rules because He loves us and wants us to be happy.
Of course, giving discipline if there is a mistake. Find something that matters to her and take that away. Try to make the punishment equal to the fault. God bless you.

The best thing that worked with us it to reward the truths!!! Life is an ongoing road of choices with consequences for ANY decission. If one goes to work you get paid, if you work well you should advance and get paid better. If one does school work and studies hard they pass or excell. If one lies that is also a choice. Lying creates trust issues, stresses family, and upsets friendships. Some of the little things I would have to let go as embellishments of the actual truth. Usually this is somthing that goes on during puberty or ages around 10-12...she may be trying to come into her own. She may not percieve everything the same as you do.

The larger issuses would then have impacting consequences (loss off home/cell phone, grounding over the weekend, tv removed from bedroom, computer privledges taken away) whatever you have to use as leverage. Keep in mind that establishing hard core rules around telling the truth will empower trust and may be difficult, at first.

Harmony is great... but sometimes as a parent we have to fight for and with our children to give them the power to become all that they are capable of being! If you nip this now, the teen years will be much more pleasant and rewarding for both of you.

I have a 19 year old girl, 16 year old son and a 12 year old daughter...I have been teaching 6-8 graders for several years now. I have been where you are, it gets better! Try to enjoy your daughter as much as you can. The next several years are the basis for who she will become, her foundation for the woman she has yet to disover within herself. It can be an amazing journey for both of you! God Bless!

K.,
the only way to stop unproductive/bad behavior is to do just that. You stop it...by whatever means....you take away privileges, you punish...you start to take away extras...favorite clothes..make her wear plain jane stuff, no hair stuff, etc...no makeup, whatever....until all she has in a bed and toothbrush for pete's sake! she doesnt go to play, no parties, no fun...nothing! whatever it takes...or then you cater to her...and she gets worse and in far more trouble as she gets older. its rather simple...we have to be the adult and STOP IT by any means and quit letting her get away with it...it obviously doesnt hurt enough, or she'd stop. THen she will have to earn everything back and one slip/lie and she's back to "square one".......I lived at "square one" as a kid, didnt know there was even a square "two"...until I quit acting up! had NO life....but I finally got i....after the curling iron was taken! didnt look too hot at school in 8th grade and that STUNK...but it made an impression and I made sure I told the truth no matter what...cuz mom was no longer Playing or going to put up with it. WE train, We discipline and set the tone...so your actions are allowing her these privileges...so STOP IT and be the paretn and do just that...PARENT HER! you can do it!

When my 9-year-old went through this phase, I thought I'd never get through it. Lying to me is stealing my trust. The only thing I used to get through to him is to let him see me cry over his lies. I told him when he asked me why I was crying that he had hurt my heart. It really hit his sensitive side. Now it may take asking a second time about something but the lies seem to have stopped. Good luck and know that it probably is a phase for your little one as well.

I agree that lying is the symptom of another problem. The book "Positive Discipline" is a great book for helping figure out why your child is misbehaving. Lying is often used to get attention or to stay out of trouble. If you can figure out why your daughter is lying--what she's getting out of it--then you can help her change her behavior by using consequences. Natural and logical consequences work best because they teach the child why the behavior is not okay. Good luck in figuring this out and fixing it. I'm sure that it will pass if she learns why lying is wrong.