My Daughter Likes to Lie.

There are 4 kinds of lies:
1) to protect oneself
2) to protect others
3) to deceive others for whatever reason.
4) to be something they are not.

And:
5) It can be a coping mechanism... to deal with what they may not have...emotionally.

what are her lies about?

Does she have anyone she can confide in, to talk to, to express herself to and just be herself with, AND feel safe with????
If not, then most kids/Teens/Pre-teens, that is something that is real important, for a child. And she may be missing that.

Does she have, a shoulder to lean on?

Kids need to know, they 'can' talk to their parent and tell them things, to be themselves with, WITHOUT fear, of being judged or reprimanded for. Too

all the best,
Susan

This is a tricky problem to negotiate. It helps not only to understand what the child is trying to gain from the lie, but also to inquire about the truth in a way that does not push your child into a corner where she has to choose again between truth and lie. The child is trying to meet some perceived need (real or not) by telling a lie. If you can help her understand that need and learn better alternatives to meeting it, she may be able to break through habitual lying to habitual "truthing."

Try googling 'lying and child development' and similar key phrases for a wealth of great information. Here's one good site: http://www.parenting-child-development.com/lying-child.html.

I also see this as a problem with communication. There's a spectacularly good book on the topic: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. The book is loaded with real-life examples of how parents made a positive, empathetic connection with their children, while making their own needs and requirements clear. By the time you finish each chapter, you'll be equipped to put the lessons to work in your own family. I can't recommend this gem highly enough.

Really??? She has a time period that she can confess?

Here's the deal. I was 12, I lied....about seeing a PG-13 movie. I told them I saw Edward Scissor Hands, but really saw Johnny B Good (which the rating was later changed to R). A friend of my parents saw me there and told my parents. I stuck to my story. They asked me over and over.

My punishment?

I lost my phone line forever. I was not allowed to go to any parties, hang out with friends, or even talk on the phone about anything besides school for 3 months. AND I had to ride the bus to and from school...which isn't so bad, until you realize that I was the FIRST stop in the am and the LAST stop at night. I got picked up at 6am and dropped off at 5pm. We lived in a semi-rural area that went through the entire city AND an Indian Reservation.

Guess who NEVER lied again.

The punishments you are giving are not enough. You WILL be bailing her out of Juvenile Hall at some point, or being called to a department store by the cops telling you they have your daughter. You can either nip it in the bud, or the cops will at some point and hopefully she's not 18, because then EVERY job will ask her about misdemenors and felonies. Lying will destroy her relationships with men and her children.

YOU have a choice to stop it or be a soft judge and jury and see a repeat offender.

Why not treat her like she's acting. Lying is something kids do to get attention - positive or negative. So why not take away ALL of her privileges until you can trust her. Tell her that she needs to earn you and her stepmom's trust. And that you understand that she's learning how to be a "big kid" and that when she starts acting that way consistently, then you'll reward her behavior.

I believe in cause and effect. And I also believe in earning privileged like TV time, computer time, phone time and outing with friends. Everybody has to learn that their behavior affects not only how people perceive them, but also trust in future situations.

Maybe you need to have a sit down chat with your daughter about how important TRUST is between you and her. You need to trust what she says and vice versa. That includes keeping your word - if you promise to do something, then you do it - NOTHING can override your promise. Ask her how she would feel if you started lying to her. Telling her you'd take her somewhere, like out for dinner or getting her a new outfit, and then went back on your word. Maybe explaining that her little lies are a breach of trust and have consequences like losing her privileges will wake her up.

Then when she proves to you that she is trustworthy again, she can earn one privilege back at a time. If she chooses to lie again, she loses it again.

I wouldn't focus on "how big" of a lie it is. Instead I'd focus on the trust issue.

And I'd also treat lying to you and her stepmom the same. A lie is a lie - period. There should be consequences whenever she lies.

If all of her privileged are taken away, maybe then she'll start to understand that she put herself in this situation. And that losing your trust means being stuck in the house, until she can straighten up.

She's getting attention for lying. Pick which lies you really need to dicipline her for and ignore the others that are attention getters. Or lie to her a few times and see how she likes it.. that might make her change her tune.

If she lies, then discipline her every single time.