Need Help and Suggestions

Hi J.,

I have worked in the preschool/kindergarten school age for going on 3 years. In my experience when you have a parent who is in total denial there isn't much you can do for them.
But I am going to tell you, once that little girl gets into the school system, and enters kindergarten and she isn't any where near her other peers when it comes to socializing and learning, the teachers will step in. They will call for parent/teacher meetings, arrange for her to talk to doctors, social workers, etc.
So, just be there for her. In the end whatever the diagnosis maybe, shes going to need a friend.

I do understand what you are going through. I have a very close friend whose first child very clearly had something wrong from about one year old, but she kept saying that his lack of speech etc was "normal for him" whatever that means. I tried a number of times to persuade her to have him seen by a doctor or someone who knew about development but she was not interested, even though she could see the huge differences between her child and mine of the same age (who is developmentally normal) and in fact used to be a teacher herself. Eventually for the sake of our relationship I just had to drop it as I felt I had done all I could by saying to her what my concerns were. Once he went to preschool they very quickly made my friend aware that they had concerns too. For some reason she could hear it from them but not from me. He turns out to have a speech delay and various other behavioural issues. I am not sure whether anything more could have been done if he had been diagnosed earlier, but in fact he is now making very good progress and I am still friends with his mother!
I think all you can do is to tell her what you think in a non-judgemental way, then accept that she is the parent and will need to handle her own child and her issues in her own way. Certainly the school should be picking up any problems if there are any.

J.,
You may be right. All you can do is suggest that the mother relay these concerns to her dr. Then, the dr. can refer the mother to a specialist. Other than that, there is nothing you can do. Plant the seed, and let the mother take the next step. I feel your pain, and I would be doing exactly what you are doing. Have faith that the mother's intuition will kick in and over-ride the initial denial.
S.

I can appreciate the tough situation you are in. Unfortunately, I have to agree that if the mom doesn't want to see it, she won't.

My husband's cousin did that with her son. He didn't socialize well and couldn't control himself. Her three sisters all kept saying there was something wrong but when one of them approached her, she got angry as well. She found out when he was about 5 I think that he has Aspergers.

I have another friend who has twins, a boy and a girl. The boys gets very upset. Can't control his behavior sometimes. Doesn't like things touching certain parts of his body...long sleeves, finger painting, etc. are all no no's for him. My friend is a teacher and she kept saying something was wrong. In her case, all the doctors and specialists basically made her seem like a neurotic first time mom. She just wrote that at 5 1/2 he was just diagnosed as having Pervasive Developmental Disorder. She's relieved but irritated at the same time that she knew something was wrong and felt no one would listen to her.

Take care and keep being a good friend. :)

L.

For the sake of the child, please be strong and speak to the mother. Your friend may not want to listen but it's better your "friendship" be harmed than this poor little girl's life be forever altered due to a lack of diligence on her mother's part. Who knows what could have been prevented should they find out that the little girl does indeed have developmental issues, Autism, etc. If you are truly her friend, and she yours, she will eventually see what you are doing is out of love and concern. Please continue to try and talk to her. Pray on it and speak with love and support to her when you are ready. Explain to her what you are thinking and feeling and how she might be feeling also. Let her know you understand her reluctancy to face the possible issues at hand. I wish you luck. Pls keep us posted.

if shes really a friend she will listen,have her get checked out,it could be a form of autism,it may not be.Talk to your friend,and tell her how you feel.explain what you have seen in her little girl,it can't hurt to have her checked out.S. C

I think you should just be her friend and provide support to her once it becomes obvious and the schools begin interventions...wait the year. Even though you know the earlier intervention the better, she has already tried to deny your suggestions, so I don't think there is any way to force her to see what you are seeing. Omce this child is in school your friend will have to address the issues the school is bringing forth. It is then that you can provide support, look up resources and help anyway your friend needs you to.

J., it can be very difficult to say something in this situation, and it sounds like your friend doesn't want to hear it. The thing is, if the child is 4 and really has a problem, other people have noticed it and possibly even mentioned it. If your friend is defensive, she knows on some level there is a problem. If her daughter gets regular checkups, the doctor should notice this (although with such short visits, perhaps not) and she will be starting school soon. Not that school can make a diagnosis or give treatment or make a parent do anything that they don't want. But as kids get to school age, parents also are forced into the cold hard reality that their child is not like the other kids. I don't think your friend needs your help. It sounds like other people have brought this to her attention and she is not receptive to the idea that her daughter may have an autism type disorder. You are not likely to change her mind.
Good luck.

This is a touchy subject. I am a mom of an autistic child and I work with Special Ed kids so no one had to "say" any thing to me.Even if the school suggests a Psych test if the mom is completely against it they cant force it. It does sound like a spectrum disorder from what you are saying. Why don't you ask your friend why she gets so defensive? a few tests can't hurt they won't find for what's not there. God knows they don't want to spend tax dollars if they don't have to and then at least she'll know for sure. Like you said you aren't the only one who has said something to her and if the tests find for nothing-which is doubtful from your description- she can tell the people to go away.? good luck and your friend is lucky to have a friend who is so concerned about her and her daughter.
L.

Hi J., I see the position you are in and how difficult it is. Naturally the mom is in denial but you are right to say that valuable time is passing. I wish I knew what to tell you. I will pray that something sparks that will have her look into the situation. Grandma Mary

Sometimes people know something is wrong, but are in denial. There isnt much you can say to your friend to open her eyes. My advice is to not say anything more about the girl's differences in order to keep your friendship. Your friend will need you when she finally comes to terms with her daughter's disability. Meanwhile when you are with her priase the little one or find something nice to say and dont comment on her oddness.

If she's bringing the child to a pediatrician for regular check-ups, they should pick it up. Where we go, they do a specific evaluation to look for any signs of autism starting at age 2. There is a list of specific questions about the child's behavior, a lot of the things that you're mentioning are on the list. You should be there to support her, but this is not your responsibility. She is the mom and if she's being honest with the pediatrician, they will find it if it's there. Try to just convince her to be honest at Dr visits and not make up excuses there.

You are a good friend, and only want to help. But you can't do much at this point, except be there for her when she finally makes her own decision to get assistance. She's her own person, and will do what she thinks is right.

It must be so hard, and I know you're just aching for both your friend and her little girl. But honestly, other than maybe giving her a few websites to look at- what can you do? Just love her, and respect her choices!

I have been in your position & it is such a helpless feeling. My niece showed a lot of the same signs, no eye contact, not speaking, not social, not happy, couldn't be held, etc. My family was convinced something was wrong. My sister-in-law seemed oblivious. We tried dropping subtle hints w/o coming right out & saying something,it is so hard when it is not your child, but at the same time, time is of the essence & the earlier detection, the better the outcome. Needless to say, my niece turned out fine! She began speaking, socializing & was a much happier child. What happened? Who knows. We were convinced she was autistic. I agree with some of the posts that you really can't say anything, it is up to the parents & eventually it will be picked up by the school system & sadly like you said that precious time would have passed. It seems like you have already tried to intervene & she is just not getting it. You did your part, you can only hope for the best now & just support your friend when she needs it & not judge or have the "i told u so" attitude. Best wishes, I hope her little girl is ok.

Hi J.,

I think as a mom sometimes it is hard for us to admit that something is wrong with our children. I can understand how you feel. I have been watching my little cousin struggle with ADHD for years. The school says he needs to be evaluated but his dad will not let him be. I think sometimes as a parent if something is wrong with our children/ child we feel we are to blame.

My advice is maybe you could send her info secretly and maybe if she can see it in black and white she will look into it. Or i would say that maybe you should drop it for a while. If she is getting angree you may end up losing her freindship and she is going to need someone to talk to when she accepts this.
Best of luck,
Jess

It sounds to me like you have already answered your question...leave it alone...she's not ready to deal with it and her anger is proof of that...it's a shame, but as long as her daughter is not in a dangerous situation then there really is nothing to do. As the old saying goes...you can bring a horse to water but you can't make him drink...I have a friend who was in denial about her sons symptoms as well...she would say "boys will be boys" but finally as he was getting older and entering school she couldn't deny to herself any longer that he wasn't where the other kids were and he is now receiving the help he needs. It totally sucks to sit by and watch someone else act differently than you would, but that is their choice and right as a parent....hopefully a preschool teacher will say something, but until your friend is ready to deal with reality(that her "perfect" child isn't "perfect")there is nothing you can do. Just wait and when the day comes and she is heartbroken just listen and be supportive and don't say "I thought something was up"...go home and tell your husband "I knew it"...sometimes being a friend isn't always about being right, but for caring for us when we've been wrong...

Our family was in a similar situation. Both my husband and I are teachers and have worked with Autistic children mainstreamed into our classes, so we were a bit worried when we saw some signs in our 11 month old son at the time. But we were unsure and didn't know where to go, what exactly to do and were waiting for someone to say something. Later on, when he was about 4 years and the preschool was threatening to kick him out for biting and not following directions, I had the Board of Ed observe him and was suddenly thrown into the world of Special Needs programs as he was diagnosed as being on the Spectrum and with sensory issues. Only later did we find out that both sets of grandparents and some friends had seen some worrisome signs but were afraid to say something to us. We wish they had so we could of started services even earlier. We were just waiting for a confirmation of our fears.
Not that I am at all an expert but after all the research I have done, you can see worrisome autistic tendencies in other kids. Sometimes parents are aware that their child is different, other times they complain about their child's behavior as if they are bad kids and others are yet already getting services. I know you are concerned for what you see in your friend's child but her negative reaction could push you away from each other, especially at a time when she could use your support. If her child is in preschool, they might say something to her, but don't always count on it (didn't work in our case). The public school system in Kindergarten might also help, especially if it affects her school work. But all of this will come about easier and faster with parental support and if she is in denial, that becomes even harder.
After my son was diagnosed, someone anonymously send me a book on curing autism and other disabilities through diet, which made me extremely mad that someone thought it was that easy. But after reading the book I had some new ideas to try to alleviate the symptoms of autism, which I appreciated. Not that your friend would read a book sent to her in the mail or even a magazine detailing autism studies (like the PEOPLE one with Jenny McCarthy's story) but in my opinion even if she saw a popular magazine lying around she might pick it up to read for the moment.
I wouldn't push the issue upon her but mention it you are concerned with the girl not playing with other kids, etc - has the pediatrician noticed anything? If you can get her to agree that she has some concerns with her daughter, google them online together or something. Just let her know that you are there for her no matter what. Using the autism word will scare her away into shut down. Some worrying behaviors can also be developmental and diminish or be grown out of over time, so you never know. It just might take her getting angry enough to get informed with the resources out there to ask the specialists and get help.
Good Luck!

It is very important to know that besides the parents there are other people that are also responsible for having the child evaluated if they see that the characteristics fit the signs of autisim or any other disorder. I did some work with legal clinic dealing with special needs children and at least in NJ it is the doctor's responsibility to have children between the ages of 0 to 5 tested for any disorders that they may suffer from. Otherwise they would be liable in malpractice. As someone else mentioned, once the child does start in the school system then this same responsability falls on the school district. So my advice to you would be to convince the mother to just mention this things you have observed to the doctor, she doesn't loose anything just by mentioning it. Then it would be up to the doctor to evaluate whether any furhter evaluations or studies are necessary. If necessary early intervention in so important because it does afect the receptiveness of the child to treatment, but please do not push the subject further than suggesting. You don't want to loose your frendship over this.

Hi J.,

Since she's like a sister to you start by loving her. Could you say something about your concern for her child from a deeply loving and accepting place? Then if she does get upset - could you stay in that deeply loving and accepting place and very gently ask her why she is upset. This will help her take a look at her own concerns and beliefs. And then you will have said what is important to you and you can be there for her as a loving friend no matter what her response is. If her child is on the spectrum or has other issues, you can love her now and when she is ready to deal with them. It's so challenging to see your child as having issues. Each individual has to handle it as they see best - including you. A wonderful website and treatment program for children who do have challenges in this way is The Son-Rise Program which you can find at www.autismtreatmentcenter.org I wish you and your friend and her daughter all the very best. ~L.