How to Suggest an autism/SPD Eval for a Friends Child?

I think it really depends on how close these people are and, even then, she risks losing the friendship either way she goes. The fact is, yes this kid may be "different" but still perfectly "normal". I know several children, including mine, who at various times have exibited "the signs", yet are not autistic -- not even on the spectrum.

Giving advice, especially unsolicited advice, can make her seem like the busy neighbor or busy body. Not saying anything could ultimately tick the mom off especially if they are close. It has the potential for being a no win situation. I really think it depends on the type of relationship they have. I understand she is well intentioned and in the end may be right. These sorts of things are just so hard.

As a teacher, I have been in the position several times to suggest to parents that their child may be somewhere on the autism spectrum (most recently last week.) Doctors have rarely mentioned this to parents, including to my son and his wife re: my grandchild. I have found that talking in a very loving, caring manner acknowledging that you know this is hard to hear (and that it's hard for you to say!) is helpful. A parent may get mad at the time, but will likely come around after time to process what has been told to them. I tell parents that I want what is best for their child and that sugarcoating things isn't what is best, that by being straightforward they get to hear what they need to hear to allow them to move forward in getting help for their child. Most often, the parents leave in tears, but come back a few days later with more questions about what they can do, or call me to tell me they set up an appointment with the pediatrician, etc.
When you are talking to a friend, I think it's particularly hard, but remember, you want what's best for that child and you know the parent does too. If your friend gets mad initially, but then moves forward, you've done a wonderful thing for that family.
And good for you that you are doing everything for your child and trying to help others who may be in that position. Parents helping each other is a wonderful thing.

A little about me: I teach elementary age special education in a charter shcool. We have lots of kids that come because their parents are frustrated, not knowing how to help their child and not yet having been told (or denying it) that their child has issues. That's where I often come in. I've gone home crying many nights because I've made parents cry, but I know it had to be done.

There is a lot of good advice provided already, but I think I would go about it a little differently. It is hard for a part not to take offense when autism is mentioned, but often times kids on the spectrum have certain issues like a speech delay. I would suggest that in a nonconfrontational moment she might mention something like. "I noticed that your son has some speech delay, a friend of mine told me that the school district is required to provide services to kids with speech and other delays so you might want to call them to see if you can get some therapy or services at no cost to you." That would then give the mom the opportunity to get some evaluation and help without your friend being in a place where she felt that her child had something major wrong. Maybe speech isn't the primary issue, but if she can focus on a particular characteristic then maybe the mom will be able to get to a place where she can get help for her son without feeling like there is a huge problem or a laundry list of issues that your friend is seeing.

What about printing out a "checklist" of autisitic characteristics and taking it to the mom? Maybe make a comment like, "I ran across this the other day, and I couldn't help thinking about your child. Do you think I'm crazy?" Just somehow putting it out there, without making a proclamation, and giving the mom a chance to see it on her own? I know with autism, early intervention is KEY to making a difference. Saying nothing is not an option, especially if your friend is pretty sure. Good luck.

The very best approach is going to have to fall within the realm of what motivates the mother in question. I prefer people to shoot me straight and I cannot tell you how intensely hurt and angry I was when people in the church I was attending told me they knew something was wrong with my son *after* he went into metabolic crisis and was rendered the capacity of an infant for the rest of his life. SO maybe your friend could tell her just that: She knows of someone who's son was very ill and noone mentioned it to her until after something bad had already happened and she doesn't want that for her friend. Technically it is true as I have just told you my story. Or, go all out and say I know of some parents who reacted one way and some the other but I love you and your family too much to ignore the situation///etc.

Otherwise...
She may tell her that she has noticed some familiar behaviors that remind her of your children.

She may let her know that a free eval is harmless, but to ignore not so much. (in so many words)

She may tell her she is worried for the child's safety (If she's noted certain dangerous behaviors..even if the child is dayreamy or too trusting)

She might ask all of your children to get together for a playdate, to meet you and to be able to get a look at your childs behaviors in comparison. She doesn't need to know it's planned, or telling her may be best.

This is all I have for now. I wish you best of luck and let us know what happens?

How she would approach her neighbor would probably depend on how well she knows her. Perhaps she needs to develop a relationship/friendship with her before approaching this subject.

If they already spend time together, then perhaps if you live close to your friend, she could invite you and her neighbor over for lunch sometime. Then when ya'll are talking about your kids, you would probably have an more open door to share about your son and how or why he was diagnosed. This may get her thinking, she may already notice that her son does not act like other children but cannot pinpoint why. Or is in denial about anything being wrong... so seeing how another mom handles it would be helpful.

If she does not have a relationship with her neighber then her advice or observations may not be received very well.

My guess is that no one wants to hear that their child is different. I also think that the mom either already knows her son is different, or she's clueless to her son being diffeent-depends on how much time she's around other kids. I hope someone has some good advice, my thought is to say something like "have I ever told you about my friend Sally? Her son is autistic. Some of his behaviors are X, Y & Z. I thought I'd mention it because sometimes I see that John does X, Y, & Z and just wondered if you had any thoughts on the subject." That's about as gental as I can think of. She can say it's becuase of whatever or she may open up and say she's noticed it too but doesn't know what to do. Then maybe you can offer to hook her and your other friend up for some support. If she gets mad, simply apologize and say "I never meant to hurt you or upset you. I know this is a sensitive subject and I felt I should mention it. I hope you will forgive me for speaking out and know that I won't mention it again."

Are these neighbors friendly? I agree with the "window of opportunity." If the neighbor mom expresses any concerns about her own child, then your friend could say, "Of course I am no expert, but my friend has a child with ASD, and it has crossed my mind that your child is very much like hers. If that is what is going on I've seen that early intervention really really helps. Would you like me to ask my friend how you get tested for something like that?"

I think while the neighbor means well, this is none of her business.

I guess it depends on how good of a friend she wants to be. It might hurt the relationship, but it could also make a huge difference in that child's life. I fall in the camp of one who wishes that someone with a clue would have nudged me because I kept brining concerns to my pediatrician and kept getting put off only to finally get help years later.
So....if she an established relationship that is strong enough that she has standing and the neighbor would listen and know she's speaking out of concern, I would gently broach the subject. If the mom is frustrated or concerned with certain behaviors of the child, focus on that and say she could get him evaluated to see if there really is anything to worry about.

Wow, honestly, this is tough! As you alluded to in your post, almost everyone will react in a different way. Is there any way that you can approach the subject with your friend's neighbor as you have firsthand experience and will not seem so judgmental?
I have a few friends with autistic children and it is funny as some pick up so fast and have them at the specialist at the first sign and others who have had teachers tell them to get their child tested and they refuse. I know a family who has an autistic son whom they say has very mild autism...well, he does not speak or make eye contact and you cannot touch him and he turns lights off and on constantly. The point is that this seems to be a more severe case yet his parents opt to believe it is mild and almost does not exist. Well, I would never judge them because we all see things differently especially when it comes to our children. This is difficult and I would say has to be done by someone that really knows what they are talking about and perhaps someone not that close or involved in case they do shut them out. I agree that the sooner the child gets help, if this is the case, the better yet denial is strong and deep....i wish them luck as I have seen tremendous strides with intense services!

I haven't read the other pieces of advice yet, but if I was the friend (the one who is asking you), I would visit with the other mom and watch and observe a behavior that is particularly associated with autism and then I would say, "My friend, X (you), has a son that is autistic and he (does whatever). She gets therapy for him and found that it really helps if he is in a routine." (or whatever it is that helps). Then she could say, "If you are interested in talking to my friend about her experiences with her son, her name and number is...".

Then, leave it alone. If the mom doesn't jump on board and ask for help, let it go. The only reason I say this is, my brother dated a woman that had a 1 year old boy. I didn't know her that well (I lived out of state) and so I said something to my brother. Well, of course, he repeated to her and I am telling you, at the next family gathering, she chewed me out and up and down and said I didn't know a thing about her son. Of course, I didn't let it go. I sent my brother a list I found on the internet that said the top 10 signs of autism (this boy had 9 of them). By the time he was 3, I quit trying to "help" them because they weren't interested in listening to any advice. By the time he was four, he was diagnosed with OCD. Finally at 4.5 he was diagnosed with autism. It is sad and disheartening to think about how much help he could have gotten from age 1 to 4.5 if they had been willing to have an open mind, but they weren't. She and my brother broke up around this time, so I have no idea how he is doing now, but I imagine not well since she was not interested in getting him any help.

Good luck!
L.

I had a daycare tell me that my kid had sensory issues and I told the peditrician and he did not take me seriously. When we left the daycare she was insistent that he had issues, but never told me how to address these issues. Her telling me was not helpful and it still makes me mad.

The daycare that we are at now told me the same thing, but this place actually told me that I should go through ECI and the school district and told me what to tell my peditrician so that he would take me seriously.

As parents we knew that our little one was different and we wanted to help him, we just did not know how. From 18 months to 3 years old, I was at the peditrician with my concerns every couple of months. It was not until someone with knowledge shared their concerns AND pointed me in the right direction that we were able to get my DS the help he needed.

My cousin who has a son on the spectrum told me that she noticed signs in my son but thought I needed to get there myself. I disagree. I knew something was wrong and told his peditrician but did not know that I was going to the wrong type of doctors. Had my cousin opened up and told me her journey, I may have been able to help my son sooner.

I think it is all about the approach and when she brings it up. If the neighbor starts talking about concerns about her son, then your friend can maybe offer up her advice and point that mom in the right direction.

That is my two cents!

Your neighbor should mention (in a very gentle way!) that she thinks maybe some tests/evaluations should be considered for the child. But please warn your neighbor: She may lose a friend over this. I barely speak with a friend of mine after she suggested my little girl get tested...She was witnessing a temper tantrum for Goodness' sake and quite simply jumped to the conclusion my daughter must be autistic! I was livid (and my blood is beginning to boil just thinking about it :)...Anywho, I may have felt differently (perhaps even grateful?) if she'd actually turned out to be right...but that was not the case.

Tough one; however, I would not say anything unless your friend mentions it. It is really dangerous to diagnose another child based on what they are seeing. It could always be something else going on. If the mom sees no issues with her son's behavior then I guess she doesn't seem that concerned. I don't know. I would not feel comfortable saying anything in the event I could be out of line.

I would look for a window of opportunity - does the neighbor ever express concern that her child's behavior may not be normal? If yes, that is the chance to say something. If not, then when the child displays a specific concerning behavior, I would bring up the fact my other friend's child has autism and has similar behavior, etc. I agree with the other answer about starting out with saying you know it's a sensitive subject, and your concern comes from a loving place. And instead of saying she should get an eval for her child, approach it more passively and ask if she's ever considered having her son evaluated. I had a friend who's child displayed classic signs of autism, and luckily we had the kind of relationship that I could be up front with her. She recognized his behavior was not typical, but she still could not bring herself to get him an eval. Luckily he soon started preschool and his teachers were able to convince her to get an eval. Unfortunately, even after he was diagnosed as having autism, the father completely denied any problem and refused to be a part of the process. People definitely respond differently, and hopefully the neighbor will be receptive to a friend's loving concern. Personally I think a policy of kind honesty is always best.