Need Help - Olympia, WA

My kids didn't have "bedtime," they had "story time." First a warm bath and then I read to them every night and it was a peaceful nice way for all of us to end the day. I think that helped give them an interest in reading too as the both excell in it which is a huge help with all of school and life!

Hi, I'm a sahm of 3. Sons Ages 5,4, and my daughter is 3. Sounds like your daughter is starting to feel some new feelings related to her daddy being gone that she may not be able to identify, so she needs a little extra mom comfort. All 3 of my kids go in and out of needing a little extra comfort especially when changes happen. It doesn't last forever and my advice to shorten the time of her "anxious" phase is to really reassure her. For a few nights spend some extra time with her at bedtime, storys, just cuddling, talking etc. Then tuck her into her bed and sit with her until she falls asleep. Just try to make her feel safe and relaxed and she'll fall asleep easy. My trick is the audible yawn. I start to yawn and soon my child catches it. They start to yawn and are off to sleep. Sounds funny but works. But gradually every night make your stay shorter until you get back into your regular routine. I just try to remind myself, even I have a hard time getting to sleep sometimes and make changes so I can get to sleep. Kids are no different.

K.,

Set up a very predictable routine with her. Part of her problems could be that Daddy is gone and she misses him. Part of it could be that she's jealous of the new baby. Part of it could be that she's two.

Here's our routine at home, it's not set in stone and very fluid:

5:00ish dinner
play
6:00ish bath if needed and jammies
play
6:30 cuddles
7:00 bed time for my 17 month old daughter
watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy with my son while cuddling on the couch
8:00 bed time for my son

If they're super tired they go to bed earlier, if they had a late nap or a low-key day they go to bed a little later. It seems to work, for the most part.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

How does she do without a nap? Some children simply do not need them. I was one and I have had children in my daycare who didn't need them. If she has to have a nap, try laying with her and rubbing her back or her forehead. If that works, it will work at night, too.
If that is not possible, you will have to do your best to ignore it. I think the most effective, yet hardest, way to end a behavior is to ignore it. It will get worse before it gets better, but it will eventually end.
Good luck!

She might be more clingy because of the new child and also daddy being gone. If you stay up with her and comfort her to sleep you she might not only regain her confidence and calm down soon, but also the baby won't be awoken. The best parenting book I've ever read is William Sears' "The Discipline Book". The third chapter is called 'Understanding Ones, Twos and Threes'. It is full of compassionate solutions and made parenting a thousand times easier for me. I really think my child is calmer, more affectionate, sympathetic and better behaved as a result of reading his books.

Contrary to popular belief, I do NOT think this is a power struggle or that she is trying to control or manipulate you. I think this belief has lead many parents to develop defiant and oppositional children because the children are not getting the love and comfort they are plainly asking for and needing, but instead the parent is introducing this conflict with them. Recent studies show that the best way to foster independence is by comforting children until they are ready to separate, and that forcing a separation before they are ready leads to insecurity and dependence. (See "The Yale Child Study Center Guide to Understanding Your Child")

I've read over a hundred of pregnancy & parenting books and concluded that the more you nurture and "indulge" your child (and it is never too late to start), they easier they will be to parent for the rest of their lives (and this includes better teenage years!) Good luck. :-)

P.S. Taking care of a toddler and newborn with a body that is still recovering from childbirth (and it takes an entire year for the body to fully recover) would seem pretty near impossible for a single person to do alone. I would hope you could receive plenty of support from family, friends, community, or even hired services. I doubt anyone in your situation would be able to fully care for their children and themself in the way everyone needs to be cared for at this point, unless that person were getting TONS of help. Mother's health and happiness is very important for the whole family!!

I feel for you! She sounds like mine. I have no advice for you, I was still nursing her to sleep until 2 1/2 or letting fer fall asleep watching a movie so that I could break the nursing habit. The No Cry Sleep Solution is a great book, have only read bits of it so far.
Good luck and sweet dreams to all 3 of you!

2 is very little and there is still a lot of baby in her. It's a great start that you're spending a lot of one-on-one with her right now. Routine is important, making sure she's not over-tired is another big factor. Try to put your 2 year old down when the newborn is napping so you can just lay down with the toddler and give her the extra comfort she needs right now. She's probably resisting because she is going through a phase and needing extra closeness and comforting at bedtime. Don't worry about creating a "bad" habit. When I had my 4th baby, my 3rd child was 2, and we established a routine where I would nurse the baby to sleep while sitting with my toddler and reading in our big bed, then after a couple of books, I would dim the lights and have her lay down and I would sing her a couple of songs and "draw" on her back until she fell asleep. She loved it, and my presence helped tame her emerging fears of the dark and bedtime, as her imagination was starting to really take off. It was really special bonding time for us and I enjoyed it as much as she did, I think! :)

Blessings,
J.

I saw advice for you to read on sleep issues. If your daughter likes to be read to try some of the kids bedtime books.
Nothing is easy when your husband is deployed. I am not looking forward to that time coming with our kids. Can you get your husband involved like having him ask your daughter to go to bed without complaining? I know there isn't much else he can do since even discipline doesn't work.
My daughter is transitioning to a twin bed and so far it has been smooth. I give some credit to her having a special, matching toddler pillow and blanket which she loves (mrbobblesblankets.com)

Hi K.,
Try showing your daughter pictures of your hubby/her dad. Hopefully ones with her & him together. Your daughter might be too young & too stressed (by daddy gone) to be withOUT a binky- try giving it back to her around nap time & bed time. She will give up the binky in time , but it sounds like she needs this comfort aid (binky).
If you have any videos of your daughter & hubby together show them to your kids especially around times of tention.

K.,

I can totally relate to you and your situation, in different ways but the same. I have the feeling you and I baby our girls. My daughter is 2 1/2 and there are things that I would like her to do, however I have a hard time giving them up. It's hard for me to admitt because I would like to say she has the problem.

My suggestion to you is to be honest with yourself and then you can be honest with her with what you expect from her. When she sees you mean it and you're love for her will not change, infact you are doing it for her and not for yourself, she will understand and overcome her difficulties with sleep time. Be Firm, Be strong, You can do it!

Words from a mom that is struggling as well....
G.

Kristin,
I see that you have gotten some decent advice. What I don't see is anyone really telling you to stand your ground. I do agree that your daughter has had some big changes and you should help her through those with some consistent bedtime routines. But the whole whining, banging, and screaming is just to push your buttons and get her way. She's 2 and she's testing her boundaries. I went through this when my 3yo was 2. When she gets out of bed, pick her up and put her back in without engaging in a conversation. Tell her it's time for bed and you love her, but then leave the room. It will be hard and it could take a number of days for her to get the picture, but she eventually will. If you don't happen to watch the show "Supernanny", you should. Jo Frost has some incredible yet so simple advice for parents. Hope this helps.

Ugggggg, I've been there. My kids are 26 months apart, and I really think (as with most things) it's a stage. We struggled for months with the same issue and our "last resort" was what worked best. We began putting the baby to sleep first, even if it made our bed time routine a bit longer. Started with a couple stories at 7pm with both kids. Then usually nursed the baby to sleep, then spent and extra 15-20 minutes with my oldest (hold her, rock her, read to her, ect....) and put her to bed by 8pm.

Another thing about our house. We let our oldest continue to sleep in her crib, and the baby slept in our room in a pack and play for several months. I hear a lot of people rush their little one's out of the crib for the new baby. My oldest slept in the crib until almost 3, and she transitioned right into a twin without any issues. My youngest is now 2.5yrs old and she has been in a twin about 4 months now.

HTH
E.

When did you switch her to a "big girl bed"? My daughter was 2 in June and is still in her crib because I didn't want to have this fight. You may also consider that Daddy leaving and big girl bed and no binkie may have been too much change of all her comfort things for sleeping in too short of a time. My only advice is maybe give something back. You can't bring Daddy home for a bit and you probably don't want to do the binkie unless it's desperate so I would try bringing back the crib or getting a new one if the new babe got the crib. Sleep issues are so difficult! I pray for your husbands safety and your sanity during this tough time.

Sounds like she's acting out due to all the changes....yet I must admit...my two year old does the same thing if she doesn't get enough energy out during the day. Try wearing her little butt out...tkae her on a walk (I know that's the last thing you want to do with taking care of a 2 yr old and a 2 month old) but she needs to run off some energy maybe. I know it helps when I do that.

May I suggest a fan in your 2 month old's room...so that maybe the screaming and banging doesn't wake up your 2 month old?

Since she is smart and intelligent...like mine is at that age. You can talk to her...and see what's wrong and why she has to scream at the baby gate. We implemented a sticker reward program for a while that worked a little....like get a sticker for getting in to jammies and a sticker for bed..that worked but it was short lived.

I have little butterfly twinkle lights in her room...and lately I just tell her she just has to be quiet...can read her books....play quietly....etc....and eventually she falls asleep....yet sometimes I just have to deal with the screaming.

Message me anytime..sounds like you go through a lot of what I've been going through with my two year old.

J. Van Riper
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Hi K..

Daddy has been deployed, a new little brother and she's given up the binky! That's a lot for a 2 year old. That's also a lot for you. I'm not sure if I have any advice to give you other than to hang in there and to tap into all the support resources you have available to you. To the extent she is able, try and get your daughter to verbalize her feelings so that you can acknowledge them and reassure her.

My brother and sister-in-law just had their third child and their middle child is having difficulty losing her place as the baby. What has started to help a bit is creating activities for her with her friends, grandma, etc. Not only does she feel special, but it gives her mama a bit of a break from time-to-time. If this isn't possible, perhaps you might consider putting her into daycare for 1 or 2 half-days per week, if only until your husband gets back or until things are easier with your newborn? She would make friends, get to do some activities and again, you'd get a semi-break.

I hope that this is just a phase and that she gets back to taking her naps without all of the drama. Try to remember that not only does she have to share you now, but that she also doesn't have daddy's attention for the moment. Obviously this is just as hard for you, but she doesn't have your ability to understand why all this has happened to her and I think her reaction is fairly normal. Maybe she's even afraid that if she goes to sleep you won't be there when she wakes up. My thoughts are with you and your family. I hope that your husband comes back safe and sound soon.

Take care,
J.

Sounds like a power struggle to me. She is also realizing she can get a rise out of you by waking up the baby. Terrible twos!!! I would suggest consistent discipline. Not sure how you discipline, but taking a toy away, or a treat, or spanking...or maybe you could go the other route and do positive reinforcement...keep a star chart in her room, and give stars for good behavior...then she gets a treat. Just ignoring the behavior, really only makes it worse, and letting her get a rise out of you gives her the power. Good luck, whatever you do!

Try out the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth. Lots of good info and suggestions on how to help children sleep better. I am going through trials with my almost 3 yr old right now, so God Bless you.

my daughters are older now & I remember 2 being so much fun especially with my 2nd daughter. one thing I used to do is play music on a cd player in my daughters bedroom. i would give her a bath & get her jammies on & then the whole time we were getting dressed I would talk about reading a book of her choice & then playing a cd when we were done with the book. i would play age appropriate music & purchased a cd through discovery toys called "sounds like fun". it had rhyming songs and learning songs that my daughters loved listening to and reciting while they fell asleep - i know it helped their reading later on too. as soon as the cd came on I would leave the room so she knew that was part of the routine too. as my girls got older they still liked having music when they went to sleep and i found music with scripture memory from awana. they would memorize bible verses and the awana cd has comes out with a new one every year. hope that is helpful and good look. enjoy these precious moments they go really fast.