Need Control....

hi J.
I am a product of a broken home, like most people. But I was a lot younger than your daughter. It is normal for her to act this way. The man who raised me died 6 years ago and my mom started seeing someone a year after. Although I was an adult I was not okay with it. I felt that I needed her too. And even as an adult I talked to him the same way your daughter speaks to your new husband. First of all she is your daughter so he really should not be telling her what to do. That is not his place. That is for you and her father. He should be the person that she can talk to and be friends with. She is at a delicate place in her life. She is about to have a new sibling and me coming from a family of 5 children and being the only one with a different father, that is tough for a child to handle. She should definately be talking to some type of counselor. All of you should but she should have her own time with someone so she can let out her true feelings. If you are always in there with her she may not tell the counselor what is really going on with her and then she will get worse. Again speaking from experience. If I sounded harsh about anything I apologize I just feel very passionate about this subject. Good Luck

Greetings,
I'm a single mom with two boys, 6 & 9, recently we moved into a home with my boyfriend of 22 months. One thing that has helped with my sons is that my boyfriend spends time with them one-on-one and disciplines them when he feels the need. Whether your daughter likes it or not, she is the child and he is the father-figure in the house. You and your husband need to sit down with each other and agree on the disciplines needed. You need to back each other up. If there is an issue, don't bring it up on front of your child. She has probly realized that you two are fighting about her and she will just push harder to create more of a issue.
My boyfriend and I have disagreed in the past and we speak about it away from my sons. In the end we come out better because of it. My boyfriend and I are 35 and he has never been with kids before me. I wish you luck, hang tough.

My husband has custody of his 9 year old son. When we met, his son was almost 4 and had a ton of disciplinary issues (stemming from him mom and previous living situations etc. too long a story to get into) It was really rocky at first and neither one of us really knew what to do. Then I became pregnant for our daughter and I knew I didn't want her behaving like her older brother. What we did was really sit down and have a serious discussion. What were our values, expectations etc. What did we agree on, disagree on. Once we had a starting point to work from it was easier. We made it very clear that I was the "mom figure" in the house and that I would be treated and respected as such. There would be consequences for treating me or dad disrespectfully. We let it be known that we were a team and that we would never disagree about discipline in front of him. We were a United front on all issues. Alot of times when there is a step-parent the family can seem divided, but I had a stepmother and I wasn't raised that way. When I chose my husband, I chose the child as well it is a package deal. He is MY son and I am his Mother. yes he has another mother but he is lucky enough to have two. We are a complete family and everyone lives by the same rules. I'm sorry if I'm rambling but I just feel very strongly about this. Set firm rules and follow through on consequences. Today my wonderful 9 year old (step)son (although we don't use that word) is the one of the many lights of my life. We have a great mother/son relationship.

She's old enough. Have you tried sitting down with her and finding out what she's feeling. Talk to her and find out what's going on in her mind. She has the words and ability to tell you. Tell her you won't get mad and that what she feels isn't wrong. Don't disipline her if she tells you things you don't like or want to hear. Maybe she feels left out or replaced by her step-dad. After you talk to her, sit down with your hubby and talk to him about her feelings. Maybe you can create something that just the 2 of them do together. A new tradition that only he and her share. Something your not involved in. This way you can let her know that her feelings aren't going unrecognized and you understand there is alot of new things going on, but she is NEVER replaceable. Let her know that everything in this new life involves her.

i agree on the counsleing.. you also need to both decide with out the kid around on the type of discipline your going to use and wehn its appropriat. bein from a divorce family ( and havvin others in my family have divorce)
I could tell you this.. tooo much disipline and at the wrong time = resentmint to both of you.
she's 7 explain you know he's not her dad but she needs to respect him as a person.and sit with her privately and find out why she cant stand him so bad and the key... do not let your emotions come to play.. this should be open so that she does not get punished for what she says. and she needs to also know that its only during this time she will be allowed to speak freely on this. KIDS are LITTLE PEOPLE. they have fealings that we may not understand. and he needs to understand that as well/ especially wiht a new one coming. there is going to be more resentment. especially if the new one gets more attention. Your fighting/arguing should be done away from her so she doesnt hear it. (cause that will give more cause to hate him). AND HIM CALLING THE NEW ONE HIS DAUGHTER.. NONONONONONONONONON. that is separating the two children.. he can NOT show that he doesnt love her as if she was his.. even if this is not his inteniton. it is HOW SHE SEES IT. they are both his that happend when he said i do. i dont mean to sound hard on him but sometimes guys dont get it. good luck. and get counseling.. some vna's offer counseling as well/ (sorry im not a good speller)

Have you tried talking to your daughter about it? It doesn't sound like a disapline issue to me. It sounds to me like she is trying to send a message in the way that any powerless 7 year old would. Maybe she is resentful. Maybe she doesn't like him - and if that's the case maybe she has a good reason for it. Ask her what's going on and if you don't think you can talk to her about it without getting emotionally charged ask someone else that she trusts to talk with her about it. I'm not saying a therapist (although if that's what you feel comfortable with than fine...) I just mean and Aunt or an Uncle or a grandparent or something.

I had a somewhat similar situation. My husband married me with my 4 year old daughter in tow. I thought it was great but I noticed over our 9 month engagement that things were starting the change with them. She didn't want to be near him, cried at the drop of a hat around him, hated being left with him...etc. I already knew that he was a teaser and did, jokingly tease her a lot. Too much and we were talking about it. But then one day we had left her with my parents when we had only been married for about 4 months. She broke down at their house and cried and cried about how he hated her! (Not that she hated him...she was just sooo hurt because she couldn't understand why he didn't like her! It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it!) Can you imagine? I was heartbroken and he was upset about it too! So we talked to her, he stopped teasing so much (which was hard for him because he really thought that it was just a fun game that they played. He was trying to send one message and she was receiving something so totally different!) It was very hard for us at times because I became super sensitive to his interactions with her and he became defensive. It could have ruined us too. But 5 years later we are still married and very happy and my daughter loves her daddy. (He adopted her last year!)

I think she might need you now more than ever and you need to be able to listen to what she is saying and HELP her.

I feel your pain, my daughter is 8 and is very rude to my boyfriend who I have been with for almost 3 years, we did seperate for a couple of months because I would fight with him for telling me that I need to do more and that maybe a spaking will help and I don't believe in hitting my kids so that isn't an option for me. Now we are expecting a child together and between us there will be 4 children, my daughters ages 8 and three and his daughter is 8. She says she like my boyfriend but I think she enjoys giving him a hard time and she doesn't like when he tries to discipline her by telling her to clean her room or play nice with her sister, and I don't have a problem with that I just don't like when he yells at her. She already has a father who is very active in her life so she does'nt need another one. Anyway I really don't have any advice because I am still trying to figure this one out myself, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Good luck..

MY HUSBAND AND I HAD BOTH BEEN MARRIED BEFORE. WE BOTH DECIDED RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING THAT NONE OF OUR CHILDREN WOULD PULL US APART. SOMEDAY THEY MOVE ON. HAVE YOU SPOKE WITH YOUR PEDIATRICIAN? THEY SOMETIMES CAN REFER THE RIGHT COUNSIL FOR CHILDREN. MOMS AND DADS HAVE ALL KINDS OF THINGS TO THINK ABOUT. CHILDREN SOMETIMES HAVE THE TIME AND ENERGY OF HOW THEY ARE GONNA GET TO YOU NEXT. MY SON WHO JUST RECENTLY PASSED ON, I LOVED HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD, WAS A TOUGH CHILD. DON'T GIVE UP, KEEP LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT HELP. IF YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND HAVE A STRONG ENOUGH LOVE FOR ONE ANOTHER, THEN YOU CAN GET THROUGH ANYTHING.
GOOD LUCK
R.

J.,
Have you considered family counseling? I know that many people still do not accept an 'outsider' to come in and help with problems but it may help. There are some great people at Greater Fall River Family Service Association (Rock St) as well as Southern NE Physicians (Sullivan Dr). What also may help is individual counseling for your daughter. I don't know if your daughter attends public school, but there are counselors at the city's public elementary schools. Try giving a call to the counselor at your daughter's school and arrange for your daughter to meet regularly with him/her. Things may become worse once the new baby arrives, so your husband needs to be actively involved in this process as well.

When I was your daughter’s age when my mother brother and I moved in with her boyfriend and he and I didn’t see eye to eye very well. We didn’t get along for a long time. He would take me out on “dates” to make me feel special and loved and wanted. I didn’t want to at first but after awhile I look forward to it. I think she feels left out maybe. She used to have just you and now you have him and a new baby coming. Think about it how would that make you feel? If she doesn’t want to have “dates” with him then what about a girl’s night with you? Something to think about. Just remember it’s just a faze and she will get over it in due time.

hi jess

i feel like your daughter needs to sit down and communicate with you...she is feeling very threaten..probly by the marriage and the new baby on the way... i think maybe your husband and you need to find a common ground to communicate on

maybe have her and your husband pick a special activity for all of you to do...or ask your husband to have your daughter plan a special family day for you...get her to bulid trust with him and refocus...hang in there it will work out

Hi
The therapy idea is the best suggestion I read. You would both benefit from a neutral person to help you find your way through this. Get it going immediately too. You would benefit most from getting a handle on this before the new baby comes along.
Good luck,
C.

hi J.,
you have to know that age 7 is a tough age. she may feel resentment toward your new husband. how long have you been with him? did you jump right into marriage are just some of the questions that are in need of answering. how old was your daughter when she met this man and if it has only been you and her from the get go then it will take a while for your daughter to warm up to him. maybe you need to all go to counseling together. i think it would help you out alot on what she is feeling. does she know or see her father and what is the relationship with him? if it was estranged then she may feel your husband took you away from her and that ahe may feel less ,loved. you need to show her lots of attention postive attention and is most critical now since there is another child on the way. it has been only her all this time and throw another child into the mix, she will most like;y act out more than she is now becuase we all know a newborn needs alot of attetion but make sure you include her in the process of the pregnancy and even more so after the baby is born. i wish you luck with this and hopefully counseling can help.