How to Deal with How This Is Affecting My Children?

I completely agree that you should tell them as soon as possible. Your hiding this from them gives the impression that it is wrong. Be open with them and let them grow up with open, educated minds. If you do not believe it is wrong, why wouldn't you be proud of your partner and want to share that friendship with your children? Don't say that you are different ... just explain that there are many different types of families. The earlier you help them understand that this is normal, the more accepting of the idea they will be.

Hi S.,

My mother is gay. Growing up I never saw her with a man only with a women. It was not explained to me at all. I really just figured it out myself.

Other kids would say stuff but I really didnt react because I didn't know how or what they were talking about.
As I got older It got easier for some strange reason. I guess because I picked my friends well I am not sure.

However as a child I wish someone had told me. I mean really sit me down and tell me. I know my mother was trying the best she could to protect me but in someways it helped none. I think, no I know I would have handled alot of things in life, had my mother told me herself what it was all about.

I grew up thinking about alot of stuff but not saying anything, so really I was left to fend for myself. I was scared, would I be gay, is there something wrong with my mother or me? Am I straight yes I am is that normal. Will mom go to hell.

So many more questions. I could not even begin to tell you all the issue I had. I fanilly dealt with my issues at age 21, with the help of my husband. I am 34 now and I strongly support sharing things with your kids. I say take baby steps dont tell them one day and then bring your mate in the next. Tell then the good the bad the wonderful. Help them with any issues they have while still being true to yourself because there is nothing wrong with you, you are still mommy and the one they love unconditional.

KIds understand or can understand more if we allow them too. Let the truth come from you tell them about you and your soul and life.

It will all work out. This is tough no matter what but in the open with your family as one life will only be illed with beauty, just like any other family.

Good Luck and God Bless,
M.

ps I have 23 monthe old twin girls! Lots in common. Email anytime if you need to talk. I truly understand

I'm a divorced mom of a 6-y-o and a 3-y-o, both boys. I've always believed in being really open with my kids. We have frank and open discussions about everything from how gravity and lawsuits work, to how "sperms" find eggs.

I've found that one of the wonderful things about revealing to your 6-year-old something that you think (from your upbringing or circumstances)is a little sensitive, is that they are TOTALLY ok with it. Because they're young, and because you haven't raised them with the same blindnesses your parents' generation had, they don't see anything at all wrong with what you're telling them. It's a real relief, and a balm to that part of you that's still a kid wanting approval.

Your kids want to be on your team, so give them all the information (in easy-to-digest bites) that they need to have in order to support you. This includes the truth about who you are, and a few of the honest mistakes that others might make out of ignorance. Once you do that, they'll be behind you 100%, and you'll feel stronger for having such staunch advocates on your side.

Hope this helps.

C.

Hi. I don't have direct experience--but I do have a sister who is gay--and I'm a single mom of an 11-month old, and already feel some internal shame about not being married to the father of my child, so I have some indirect experience. I'd strongly suggest talking to your children so that they have an internal knowledge that is positive and comes from you--not the negative views from outside. Your silence gives them the message that whatever it is that the other kids are saying is #1 true, and #2 something to be ashamed of and teased about. Imagine if you had already told them and they could have said, "Yes, my mom is gay and she and (your partner) love us very much. So what if she's gay. Your dad is bald!" Or something like that. You are modeling behavior for them and right now, you are modeling shame by not telling them (It doesn't matter how old they are). If your partner is interested in getting to know your children, by all means include her. I know it's hard and scary--but you have nothing to be ashamed of, no matter what your community might think. And since they know anyway and are talking about it, you can at least be in better control of the image and ideas your children will have about what it means to be gay, rather than a black hole. I hope this is helpful.

there is nothing wrong with introducing your girlfriend to your lil ones! its actualy good for them to see that mamma has a close friend most women hug ,simple touches of affection etc with their close friends so it wont be a shock to them we even have sleep overs! and whether a male interest or female makes no difference when it comes to our " behind our bedroom door" we always use caution so relax ! if your lil ones become curious they will approach you with questions and at that time you can explain that you care for and enjoy this persons company they will be happy seeing mom happy prayers kat

I think that any child regardless of their parents' sexual orientation needs to know that there are different kinds of families. Some kids have a mommy and a daddy that they live with. Some live with their grandparents. Some have 2 mommies and some have 2 daddies. I try to emphasize to my daughter who is 4 1/2 that every family is special.

My stepmother is gay, and after all of us found out (when she left my dad), it took a lot of her family (her adult children) and her friends to "adjust". My little sister was in high school and she got a lot of comments made to her since news seems to travel fast in small communities. It really affected her school work, and she almost didn't graduate high school. I think you should adress the comments made to your kids, and talk to them about people with alternative life styles, but not give them too much info. They are just babies, and probably wont understand what's really going on if they dont know about sex or how babies are born. Children can be SO MEAN. Hang in there, I hope it all works out for you.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. I agree with the others that you should address it immediately. I've always believed in honesty in dealing with children no matter what the age. While I don't have any specific advice, I imagine their are books you can read that would have advice on how to approach the subject with your children as well as books for your children that cover the subject.

Hi S.,
I am 28, married and we have 3 kids twin boys that are 21 months and a daughter that will be 4 in a few days. I don't know if this will help you but I can only hope that is some way it can. My mother is gay and I was told when I was 6 or 7, at the time I knew what it meant "kinda" but it didn't really sink in. Kids are mean and no matter what, your kids will always have to deal with others that are uneducated or just don't care about others feelings, for whatever reason. I am not going to say it was easy, but I like to think that I turned out pretty good. :-) That is who you are, oh and did I mention that my mom was born and raised "very strict" catholic, she went to private catholic school and church every Sunday. She doesn't go now....LOL, but anyway I can ask my mom how she decided to tell us kids if you would like and myabe that will help you in your decsion. But one thing....why don't you have your partner around your kids? If you don't mind me asking how long have you been "OUT" as people like to say? Anyway I would like to hear back and see if this made any sense and if I can help in anyway. I wish you the best and I am sure as a mother you will make the right choice for "YOU" and your kids.

Take Care,
D. K.

You have quite a situation! I would tell your children something if it is being brought up by their peers. Ask them if they have any idea what that is? Are you planning to introduce your kids to her? If you are, you will have to explain it. Or at least introduce the idea of girls liking girls and that love can occur between the same sex just as well. Understandably, they are quite young and I can only imagine your frustration. I sincerely wish you well, and it really is a shame that the parents of the other children are teaching such poor example.

I think you should probably sit down and tell your girls something. You don't want to give them more information than the can handle. The trick is figuring out what they can handle, and putting it in terms that can comprehend. By age 6 they obviously understand straight romance. So they get the concept of romantic love, even if it is just a rudimentary understanding. Plus this is a good opportunity to teach them about derogatory language and how hurtful it can be. Maybe you should say something like, "The D word is a mean way of calling a woman gay. Nice people don't use that word, because it hurts people's feelings. I think your classmates called me that because they have heard from their parents that I am gay." If they don't know what gay means, go on to say something like, "Most girls want to go out on dates with boys, and most boys want to go out on dates with girls. But some girls like to go out on dates with girls. And some boys like to go out on date with boys. When a girl wants to date a girl, or a boy wants to date a boy, that is called gay. I like to go out on dates with girls, so I am gay." You might want to word it differently, but you get the general idea. I would leave it at that, unless they ask further questions. Odds are, this is enough information to satisfy their curiosity. Just tell them the truth. Give them the bare bones info, and let them ask additional questions. Good luck, I'm really sorry you have to deal with this.

hi my name is C., im a singel mother of a 4 yr old lil girl. i just seen your letter and if they keep asking you. you should sit theme all down and tell theme, and maybe they understand a lil bit. my uncle is gay and he and his partner watches my three half brothers they are 4,5,and 9 and my step mom and the guys sat down and explaind it to the boys and they asked a lil bit of questions but they where ok about it. my uncle and that guy lives together so they had to tell theme. i think if your ready to tell ur kids they will listen, they might not understand everything but you should get theme used to the idea of it befor they get older and things might change,well holla back if you want to talk about anything. im here. its ____@____.com

Hi S., I have no idea how u should tell them but i think you should do it now! if you hide it now and then tell them later they are likely to think it must be a bad thing since you hid it. they are still young enough that they probably dont have an opinion on it yet. if you hide it they may form an opinion that it is wrong or they don't like it, once again makingit even harder to explain to them later because you will be explaining something that maybe they have decided is wrong. With the way some people still think today, it is likely your children may not like gays just because of outside influences telling them they shouldn't. if you decide not to tell them yet that you are gay, i think you should atleast explain to them what it mean to be gay and let them know there is nothing worng with it. but like i said, i think the longer you withold the facts from them, the more they will think that if you hid it from them it must be because it is something bad. i feel like they deserve to know the real you. although it may be had to tell them now, think about how much harder it will be to tell them later. plus for your youngest one's, they will grow up remembering you only as gay, so it will be very normal and natural for them that there mommy is gay. i wouldn't bring my partner right home yet though. i think that you should tell them all that they need to know and give that some time to sink in and then after a long long while you might bring your partner in the picture. i would reccommend that for straight people too. good luck! - A.

I believe in totaly honesty with my kids ... I feel You need to tell them and if ur other half is someone u see spending alot of time with then why not let her spend it with whole family after all they are part of u. I am straight but have many gay friends male and females .. One of my female friends is gay and just had a baby (( my lil angel lol yes i spoil that lil man )) but she has already told me she isnt going to keep her life secret cuz shes afraid will cause more problems in long road.
it really depends on how u urself feel comfy handleing this with ur kids ..you know them better then anyone ..but its better to hear from mom then someone else .

I know my thought dont help much but there u have them :)

You are such a lovely ambassador for your children! In my opinion, you should be exactly who you are to them, as being gay is as natural as the forest. Staying in the closet with your community only does you, your partner, and your children a diservice. People are always uncomfortable about something (the other people in your community), and it will be lovely for you to show them how loving your family is. Start slowly with your children, but never let them see you feel ashamed of being exactly who you are and respecting yourself. It will teach them to respect themselves as well.

I also agree with the other posters that you should tell your kids. There is no reason to hide your orientation from them as it will give it a negative spin. As a single parent, I know you don't want to introduce a S.O. until you think it might go somewhere...but maybe after a year of dating, it would be time.

Hi S.,
I agree with the other posters about telling your children. When i was growing up, i had a similar situation, although it was my father, not my mother.

After my parents divorced, my mother re-married, and as far i was concerned, so did my father. My father lived with his partner for 12 years before he passed away (and his partner passed away a few years after that). I will tell you that his partner was like a second father to me and a great influence in my life. If you are in a long-term relationship, I don't see how it could hurt to bring her into your family--in fact, i can only see that it would be positive for your children to experience and be shown that love comes in many forms!

i think you can talk about how families are unique and there are no two families that are the same, and that you can celebrate yours with confidence and thankfulness.

good luck!!!!!!!!

I would say that six is definitely not to young to be told your sexual orientation in an age appropriate way such as you know how some mommy's have husbands and they love them well your mommy is a bit different because the person she loves in that way is a woman. I think that them learning about your lifestyle in a negative way as in the "D" word from other kids is harsh. I think that you should be proud of who you are and who you love and share that positivity with them. I think if they hear it from you and feel the love behind it it won't be such a difficult situation. Secrets always breed contempt. I wish you well and I wish that the would could be more accepting.
W. Jones
Breastfeeding Educator
http://www.mosaicbaby.com

Are there any local support groups you can find? It really does help to have some support and someone to talk to that is dealing with the same things you are. If you live where there is a college or university, you could likely start there. Many have a gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered student society and they will know what local resources are available to you. At 6 years old, it probably is time to explain (within reason) what is going on in your life to your children. If you think your partner is going to be a long term part of your life, I don't see any problem with introducing her to your children. By hiding, you are giving your children the idea that there is something to be ashamed of when there isn't. Kids generally know or suspect much more than we give them credit for. In most things, kids deal with "issues" as well as their parents do so you really have to consider what you are unconsciously teaching your children by trying to hide your orientation. I work at a university so pretty much half of the people I work with are gay and many have children. I'm sure you'd get better advice from someone who has been there and done that but I wanted to reach out and give you some {{{hugs}}} and some support. I hope you are able to find some support locally. It is hard to feel like you are the only one in the world facing your problems but you really aren't. I don't know where you live but chances are you aren't even the only one in your town. Good luck to you!
T.