Need Avice on Mother-in-law

I would definitely say something to her. That does indeed sound like snooping. You will not be able to trust her again if you don't confront her.
Hope it works out.

Ok I am shocked at how many people are justifing the snooping, that is unexceptable behavior, and you have more control in your home then theirs, so what I would do at this point is change the door nob on my bed room to one that requires a key if locked, and take the key with you and lock your bedroom before you leave. I am having issues, Big ones with my in-laws so please excuse my harshness, but I have been tring for years to make them happy and save their feelings. It does not work, talk with your husband and let him know how much it bothers you, that is your stuff and your home and she should respect that. see how he feels and then put her in her place. Again I am sorry for the harshness, but bottled up feelings will only blow up in your face and lead to years of regret for not standing up for yourself.

Good luck.

Hi Jil,
Before accusing her maybe you should rent a nanny cam just to make sure. Otherwise you might create un needed tension. What is she possibly snooping for? If she really thinks she can find something then "knock yourself out lady" but what is thinking she will find? Bizarre behavior but no need to confront if she is really a simpleton and is really looking for socks and is just stupidly looking in the wrong place. Or plant something in your bedroom like a sex toy and a letter to her if she finds it.
good luck

WOW, tough one!

I would just be sure that next time you go out, remind her that the baby's stuff is all downstairs if she needs anything. Tell her you just don't want her to make any unnecessary trips upstairs, as you are concerned that she may fall or something.
Make it sound like you are watching out for her safety.

You can also set up your door so you can tell if she's been in there snooping around... put a small piece of scotch tape at the bottom of the door where it opens, do it on the outside so you can see if it's been disturbed when you get home. If it's small enough and at the bottom she won't notice it.
Then you can figure out if she really is snooping or if she was honestly looking for socks.

Hi J.
How fortunate you are to have your husband's parents able to care for your lovely daughter!!! Who would love her and protect her more.Is it possible to bring your daughter to their home? Easy way to eliminate snooping, and driving issues she has.
Probably half the people you would hire will snoop to some extent. Do you have something to hide from your parents? If so there is probably more to hide from strangers. I am sorry that you feel as if you were lied to by having her say she was looking for socks. I think you should just realize that you caught her with her hands in the cookie jar so to speak and maybe she will not do it again. What harm do you think it did other than the lie? Your daughter was in good hands!!! My mom had Alzheimer's in her last days. She rummaged through everything -- the MD said that people with Alzheimer's who rummage are not as apt to run away, leave, or get lost outside. Is she aging? We noticed mom rummaging long before we knew she had Alzheimer's, I am not sure if people with all types of dementia do that. Does she get lost and that is why she doesn't want to drive?
I read a survey once of how many people had looked in the medicine cabinet of the people they were visiting when they were in their rest room. Nearly 3/4 had done such a thing. I was in shock, but was then became aware.
Our parents never were able to watch our children at our home. They lived out of state &/or country so we did not have that privilege. They would not have gone upstairs because they couldn't navigate the stairs by the time the girls were born. How sad to realize you want to put a rift between your hubby's parents and yourself & your family over something that surveys say 3/4 of the people do. OK so I am old but someday you will wish they were around to snoop. That is the situation I am in as I read this. My husband's mom is still alive but at 89 yo, is in the nursing home living out her last years with all of us visiting her.
Love your parents --- talk to your parents --- seek their wisdom, goals and knowledge. Someday you will be glad you took every opportunity to be with them.
God bless you and help you make a good decision.
K. SAHM married 38 years -- adult children -- 37, coach; 32, lawyer, married with son 6mo; and twins 18, college students after homeschooling.

I'd probably just keep my mouth shut, keep the peace and put a lock on the door.

I do understand how you feel and I don't think your Mom-in-law in her head meant any harm...her snooping is an extension of her inappropriate questioning...it's who she is, what she does and I tend to think confronting her will cause up roar...I don't think she'll get it, own it or make a change for the better but will in fact get defensive and will hold it against you for the rest of her life, now having to prove what an awful person you are and not good enough for her son...

Confronting her would be my choice. No matter how it turns out, I'd feel alot better then having said nothing to her about her over stepping on my privacy. If it turns out well, then it's a plus.

You have choices..

You and your husband can confront her but don't do it until you are calm about the situation.
or
you can remind them that everything needed for the child is located on the first floor next time they watch your child.
or
put up a gate which says a statement of, "you don't belong upstairs."
or
ask your Mom or a good friend to sit for you or hire someone you can trust and can feel comfortable with..

that's a tough one. If this were ME, I would have to make certain that I knew she was snooping before saying anything. Since the baby's dresser is on the first floor though, it sounds like she was. Did she look/act flustered when you asked what she was doing?

I hate to say this but maybe just let it go and see if it happens again? Sorry I can't be of more help!
Lynsey
PS- just read through the responses and have to agree that you're quite lucky they come to the house to watch your little girl. Maybe just let it slide since you truly don't have concrete proof that she was going through your things. I'd hate to see your relationship destroyed over this. I have such a great in-laws who help with our son all the time. I don't know what I'd do without them! Just think everything through before making any final decisions on how to handle it.

I probably would not say anything, but to send a message, I would lock the doors to the upstairs rooms. I would not accuse since you didn't see anything, but would ask something like "why would you look upstairs for socks, did you forget the dresser was down here?". I think that would send the message that you know she is snooping, and make her realize you are not stupid. If you don't want to lock the doors, get a nanny cam for your room :)

J.,
I can understand you are uncomfortable with the idea you MIL was snooping. I too do not like people medling in my personal business, so I can see where you stand with this. But, honestly, what harm has she done?

If you feel you need to get it out in the open, you may consider skating around it a bit so not to offend her. Bring it up as if it were a friend dealing with it, and ask your mother in law for her valued opinion.

This may make you feel better and open her eyes too.

Best of Luck with this.
K.

Hey J.. There are a few issues at hand here. How you deal with your mother-in-law, and confrontation. Directly, or indirectly. We all know you can't eat your cake and also have it. I try to as direct as possible. Speak to my own feelings, and not presume to know whats in someone else's. I think you need to buck up, and figure out how to be firm, and make your boundaries clear with your mother in law, without stressing yourself out, or sucking your husband into it (it doesn't sound like its his issue). Coming from a mom of 3, who almost NEVER had a night out, with my husband, even to a movie, without paying for it, somehow... decide how you want to "pay" . Either, the straight forward route, get a babysitter (who might also "snoop") in lieu of having your in-laws sit- avoid giving her too much opportunitiy to snoop, or be intrusive; or deal with her directlly. Dig down inside of yourself and figure out what is really making you feel uncomfortable...The next time they come over,, leave enough time to chat first over a cup of tea. If its the snooping in your budoir, then be direct. Tell her that everything she needs for the baby, is downstairs. EVERYTHING. That since havign a child, you feel like that is your sanctuary, and it makes you feel ucomfortable if anyone else goes upstairs. Honestly, she just may have been curious to see how you decorated, or take a peek at your new comforter adn didn't think of it as snooping..Don't dwell on it, but wrap up with a bit of humor if possible. - S.

You are probably right that she was snooping, however, what good will it do by approaching her? You know she won't admit it, and even if she did. What good would come from it? It would just cause an akward situation. Approaching her about it could stir up so much trouble not only between you and your in-laws but also between you and your husband .... Not to mention she will probably not offer to babysit anymore ( and you know how hard those are to come by)

Unless you think she is taking items from you, I wouldn't say anything. Its not worth it.

Keep us updated and good luck!!

Very simple solution: Change your door to one w/ a lock on it. When you leave her w/ your daughter lock your door. She doesn't need to ever be in your bedroom so it wouldn't be a big deal. If she says something to you then you know she is snooping and you can tell her yourself that you didn't feel comfortable the last time you went out when she was up in your room. Everything for the baby is downstairs. Of course as nice as pie w/ a smile on your face. pretend to be clueless just like her! Good luck! MIL issues suck! I have a few of my own!

Hi,
I do not know exactly what advise to give you but I can tell you, you are not the only one. My mother-in-law, goes inside my bedroom every time she gets a chance when she visits me. The reason I know is that my door of my bedroom is broken and I leave it closed when I know she is coming. Every time she goes in and out of my bedroom, the door makes a loud noise. She uses any kind of excuse!! Even the most ridiculous ones. I hate it!! I never leave her alone in my house! NEVER. And when I hear the loud noise of my door, I run to find her in my bedroom so she leaves quickly with a stupid excuse. Sometimes I even lock my bedroom's door before I leave the house to get something.
She has used excuses like, she is cleaning the floor, she is looking at my bedroom set, she is hiding from my son (when they play hide and seek) sometimes she does not even say a thing and pretends nothing happened!!
I was thinking on telling my husband to fix the door by buying a new door with a better lock. And I am not kidding. I would leave the door locked before you leave the house. Under no circumstances no one should go into a bedroom where they do not belong. Sadly, my mother in law has a history of being snooping around people's stuff....
Believe or not.. certain things "dissapear" out of my own bedroom... and she is the only one ever been in there. If I tell my husband, he will never believe it. So I take my own precautions.

People snoop
anyone you have watching your kids might do it, a sitter, a neighbor, your mom-in law
people are nosy
if you have something to hide lock it up.
The moment to say anything else has passed.
Honestly you cant have a sitter in your home and expect them not to poke around a bit, its human nature.

Hello
I would tell my husband to speak to his mother in general about privacy
You may want to have him confront her because his is her son.
I had issues with my MIL and I kept coming at her myself....my husband thought it was too direct....so I began to let him do it and now things are better.
You need to establish these things in the beginning of your relationship because it will turn into bigger things later.
Also lock your room door when you go out...lol that'll teach her.

J.,

How old is your mother-in-law? If she is up there in years, it could be that she is suffering from some form of mild dementia, which would explain the odd behavior. My father was recently diagnosed with dementia, and he does all sorts of strange things that he wouldn't normally have done when he was younger.

Where do you think that she was snooping? In your bedroom? If so, that is very inappropriate, but I don't think that you should put your husband on the hot seat to broach the subject with her. Why not just bring it up yourself, without being accusatory or nasty. Just ask her if she was in your bedroom, and if so, what was she looking for?

If she denies it, then I would just let it go, and install a lock on your bedroom door to keep her out of there when you aren't home. However, if she admits it, why not take her up to your bedroom yourself and let her look around. Show her some of your clothes that you've recently bought, or perfume and makeup, or something like that. just to show her that there's nothing really in there that she would be interested in. If you're nice to her in spite of her snooping, and let her look around with you there, she won't have any reason to snoop when you're not home.

By handling it this way, you're not starting an argument or creating friction between the two of you, and if she knows that you have nothing in there to hide that she would be interested in, the behavior may stop all on its own!

You are describing my mother-in-law to a tee! My husband is very aware, though, that his mother is the way she is. Unfortunately, I don't know how to be quiet about it. I was okay with her before we got married, but kids made everything a little more difficult. I found out very early that these things will happen over and over again. These little nosy times that will build and build. If you don't say something now, it'll keep happening, and you might blow. It's your home, and you have the right to set ground rules. I think it's one of the best things I did. I politely set boundaries, and my mother-in-law knows where I stand. There's no animosity, and I definately feel a lot better.

Put a lock with a key on you bedroom door and use it when you leave. This will send a message without anything needing to be said. Then just leave it at that. My Mother-In-Law watches my kids at my house and has free run of the house. She is family and my home is her home. I feel comfortable in her home too. Not to sound negative but you sound like your mother in law is not a member of the family. You make it sound like a stranger is roaming around your house. Good luck

This is a very sensitive matter. Now you can approach this in several ways. It is up to you to pick and choose your battles if at all possible. You want to keep the peace without losing a sense of power.Protect the emotional state of the marriage at all cost. You can take a humorous approach and set up traps, that make you laugh when she's caught red handed, literally....lol... Or you can get angry confront the situation head on. You take the risk of dealing with the "post problem"; Fighting with your mate.. Use your mommy witt and down right out smart her! PLAN.

I read through the responses and was surprised to see no one suggested taking the baby to the in-laws house to watch. If you don't want people pawing through your unmentionables and digging through your mail or bills or other bits, take the baby to them. Don't feel you have to have parents sit at your home - they have a home of their own so take the baby there.

Problem solved.

J.,
You absolutely have to say something to your husband and he has to say something to his mother, maybe even with you there.
My mother-in-law did something very similar only I was home at the time and I was so floored I said something to her right then and there. In my case she had come over so that I could take a shower and go to the doctors. When I got out of the shower my lovely mother-in-law was not only in my room but going through my dresser. I very nicely asked her what she was doing and she told me, get this, the house and it's contents were her son's and not mine and that I was only a guest in his house. Somehow I remained calm until after my appointment and she left, but when my husband got home and I told him what happened he confronted his mother and it was the last time she ever watched the kids. Like your husband, mine too is the sweetest man who doesn't like confrontation, but I learned a long time ago you need to not let it build or it will end up hurting you and your family. Girl stand up for yourself and your family. I wouldn't want your mother-in-law watching my daughter if I were you.

Hugs,
T.

put a note in each drawer.. saying.. something catchy.. Like have you found what your looking for?? Or If you need something.. Just ask me?? Or hay .. you looking for something?? I bet you she'll stop snooping..
or Please shut the draw and go back downstairs.. this is my room.. nothing here for you...

I happen to have a family member who is a compulsive liar, and who is so bold that they will tell the worst lie ever, and think I would believe such a thing.. such as what you were told, when your MIL claimed she was looking for socks that simply would not be there... I have found the only way to slow it down, or stop it all together is to call this person out on all the ridiculous things that are said to me. You should do the same. If you were the one who saw it, then you should do the confronting, only so the mother cant try and pull one over on the son. And believe me, she will try! You squash this now, the sooner the better, be firm, yet in a non attacking way. It's your house-your rules. If I were you, I wouldn't leave her alone in my house ever again.. who knows what she was looking for.

I think you are right for feeling how you do however if you say something you run the risk of doing damage to your relationship. I know having them sit at your home is easier so the baby can be put to bed so I would just get a lock and let that be the end of it. I am sure if you had a sitter there they may do the same thing. Please don't say anything it probably will not have a good outcome. Just ignore it as you said this may just be who she is. If she is good to your child and despite her short comings she is a good grandma let her snooping go. I am sure most mother in laws check to see how clean we are and if the laundry is done etc. I think snooping just comes natural to some people. Not that it is right but it is what it is. Good luck!!

I think you should keep this in your memory, but give them another chance. If then they do similar again, then just say that you need to pay a babysitter to take care of your daughter. Then find a young teen in your surrounding area and develop a relationship with her to plan to use her to babysit.

You must retain your in-laws as your family!
Perhaps you will never mention this to anyone else, but stick to your guns with your decision!!!

Hi J., this is sage advice, even if I do say so myself ... SAY NOTHING TO NO ONE! Seriously, do yourself a favor and simply lock your bedroom door next time the in-laws are over. If your mother-in-law happens to mention anything about the locked door, just say the room is a mess and you didn't want anyone to see it. I have nosey relatives too. Locking doors has helped tremendously!! All I say to my hubby is, "Honey, I'm gonna lock the bedroom and office doors. I don't want anyone to see what a slob I am." He smiles and could care less. The bonus is, it keeps the peace and prevents me from putting my hubby in a weird spot in having to talk to his mommy lol
Good luck!
-T.

Relationships with in-laws can be very complicated. If your husband thinks that his mother was snooping, then he needs to confront her. If he does not think she was snooping, then you have to let it go...I know this is really hard, but what could she really be looking for?What if she was snooping? Unless there was something strange for her to find, then you had nothing to worry about. If I were you, I would sacrifice this current worry for the health of your long-term relationship.

Your MIL snooping is wrong but most nannys also do varying degrees of snooping & somehow I'd rather its family doing d snooping than a total stranger.
My advice is for you to lock your bedroom door & ignore this incident if you can. Confronting her will do more harm than good at this time. For what it is, consider d rare privilege your daughter has, being babysat by her grandparents. Many desire this but don't get it.

I know this is over 2 years too late to post, but I am going through the same exact situation right now!! I searched online to see if anyone else had similar stories and I came across your post. How have things been lately with the snooping situation?? Any confrontations? For now we have opted to lock the bedroom doors. I hope this is the right solution. I am shocked MILs can be so blatantly nosy and disrespectful. Sooooo frustrating!!!

Snooping is just human nature. I'd suggest getting a lock for your door and for any other rooms you don't want her poking in (maybe an office area). Just lock it when she and your father in law are over and don't mention it at all; bet she won't either. Yes she was wrong, yes you could say something about it but in the end you just want her out of your area. Locks will do that without you having to worry any more.

Hi J.~
I believe people snoop, myself included, but I believe it's limited to the bathroom, such as the medicine cabinet or under the sink. While we know it's wrong, usually, it's more of a compulsion and not being nosy. Still, that does not excuse bad behavior.
I do have a question for you: was your daughter wearing socks when your MIL was upstairs? If so, then you know she was lying to you. If she wasn't wearing socks, then perhaps she just forgot where to look, even though it's customary for the clothes to be kept in room where one sleeps, that isn't always the case.
If you feel uncomfortable, then she should be confronted by both you and your husband but before anyone says anthing, you and your husband need to be on the same page. If he thinks she just forgot, then next time, remind her. I am a big advocate for second chances so I'll take this time to ask you to give her a second chance.
I did read the other responses before I wrote, and don't think you should put a lock on your bedroom door nor do I think a gate is the answer either. Just before you leave, say something like, "Don't forget..." with any reminders you feel she may need, but I would include her clothes in that reminder.
I wish you the best of luck with your final decision, J.. I know it is not an easy one you have to make.
Good luck to you~J.

Dear J., I think, as many people have noted, human nature being what it is, people will "snoop," but whether that is out of a genuine sense of curiousity or some more malevolent, intrusive motive remains to be seen. You describe her as "odd" and a "simpleton" which sounds like you don't like her very much, but has she given you reason to suppose she is "up to no good" with her snooping and has she ever done anything like this before? Privacy means very different things to different people. Some people who have responded here could live with her behavior while others were highly offended. There is no right or wrong answer. It doesn't sound like she was trying to "do" any harm to you, but on the other hand, it is very unsettling to think that someone was trolling through your things. If it bothers you that much and if it makes you feel violated, then it might make sense to lock up those things that you don't want to be seen, by putting a lock on your bedroom door and any other rooms you might want to keep out of sight. Obviously, she'll get the message and it will solve the problem as effectively as anything could. Even if your husband were to speak to her, you would have no guarantee that her curiousity would not get out of hand again. If you have had other issues with your mother in law, or if you suspect there will be others in the future, I would save my husband's intervention for something a) that you can prove and b) that is of greater significance. But that's just me. Good luck. I hope you find some way to feel more comfortable with this situation.