Need Advice: When to Start Preschool

I think that what you describe is very normal for starting school or daycare. I think you should give it several weeks before making any decisions about putting off school.

It's not too early, he just needs time to adjust. If his teachers are patient and have very much experience, then they will work through it with him and you too. Hang in there and don't miss a day if at all possible. If you wait until he's 4, it won't be any different.

The tantrums will pass, and he'll only have them while you are in his line of vision. It is best to drop him off with a hug, kiss and "see you later" and then leave quickly. My now 13-year old was similar at that age. The first couple of days went great, but suddenly on day 3, she started crying. But I knew it was best that I not hang around and let the teachers handle the situation. After a few more days, everything was great! Kids are generally anxious when there routines are changed, but once preschool becomes routine, he should be fine!

Stick with it. It's going to get much better.
It'll only get worse when he's 4, if you wait that long. 3 yrs old is a good age to start preschool and for children to start to gain independence and learn class structure from another adult in authority.
My son started preschool at 3 but was in Mother's Day Out at 2, so the separation anxiety wasn't bad with him. Plus, he goes to the church kid's ministry every Sunday so he know that Momma always comes back to get him.
But I say it's good to start kids in preschool at 3 -- there are so many great lessons and life lessons for them to learn at this age. The separation anxiety is very temporary.
And it'll also get better at the gym - if you keep him in preschool.

I agree - Keep him in school. Drop him off, make sure the teacher has hold of him, give him love and walk away pretty quickly so he doesn't see a bit of hesitation on your part. He'll adjust. My son and oldest daughter threw fits like you've never seen when they began pre-school, but they were fine within minutes once I left. I could tell from their stories that they were making friends and enjoying their time at school - It's the transition from Mom to Teacher that is so difficult with some kids.

I promise that if you withdraw him now, he'll do the same thing next year. Kids are so smart and always trying to find ways to "run the farm" as my grandfather used to say.

I say to keep him in. He will adjust, it just takes a little time. My daughter did the same thing when she started preschool at 3 and it was devastating for me. She would cry and cry. It took about 6 weeks for her to adjust. I would just reassure her every morning that I would be there to pick her up. When I'd drop her off, I would make it quick and not linger. Sometimes I would say, I'll stay and do one puzzle and then I have to leave..so she would know the expectations. Good luck, it will get easier.
Dee Dee

Backing out now will only show your son that tantrums are the way to getting what he wants. Stay with it because if you don't then he will do it in kindergarten... kids are mean at that age and might make fun of him for crying for mommy. Then he really won't want to go back! It's far better to treat it now then wait!!!

My daughter did something very similar when she started daycare. She started going to daycare just before she turned 3. Before that, she was staying with her great-grandparents while I worked. The first 3 or 4 days were fine. However, on the 5th day, she cried that she didn't want me to leave here there. Luckily the teachers were great and helped me with her. She did much better the next week, but still had occasional melt-downs. I suggest just working with the teachers and being patient. Good luck.

Keep going...he'll get used to it in a couple days. It is change and toddlers resist change but soon he'll love it. I'm a mom of a 20 month old and 5 month old. I'm also a teacher full time so both of mine are in the school districts daycare. My 20 month old loved it last year then she was home for the summer...when we went back this last August she screamed every day when I dropped her off for the first week and half...but then she got used to it and its her routine and she loves her friends and teachers...her entire day. She comes home talking about it..."books" "outside" "slide" "naptime"....etc He'll be ok, trust me. Its hard to leave when they are scraeming for you but like they told you after you leave he gets distracted and then probably has a GREAT day! He needs the interaction with friends his own age and I'm sure you need some one0-on-one time with your 9 month old.

Hi J., The best advice I can give you is to stick to it! I worked at a daycare for 4 years and this behavior is totally normal. He is experiencing separation anxiety...but the best thing you can do for both of you is to stay the course. Waiting til he is 4 will not change this behavior. He will go through it either way. You just have to decide if you are ready for it or not. Usually children cry less than 10 minutes. Each time it will be less and less and he will eventually learn that it's ok and mommy will come back. Try and make good-byes short and try not to show any anxiety on your part that you are dropping him off. Simply say something like, "ok mommy will be back soon."

As a mom myself now I realize that all of this is easier said than done...It's just as hard on us as it is on them, if not more so. Give it 2 weeks to a month. I am going through this same thing right now with my 2 year old and dropping her off at Sunday school. But it's been about 5 visits now and she is already doing so much better! Good Luck!

This advice is coming from a preschool teacher. I have my own home preschool (not daycare) and the behavior you are describing is absolutely normal. Usually the first day seems so wonderful for children. New and exciting toys and friends. By the second or third day, they realize, man when I go to school, mom's not around and I have to stay here until she comes back. This can be a very difficult adjustment. If you give it a couple weeks, your child will probably become well adjusted and not want to leave when you come to pick him up! It can be very intimidating starting preschool, especially when there are often too many children in a classroom, all because of state ratios. If any one of the people that made those ratios ever tried to teach in a classroom with as many children as they allow, they would realize it is hard on the teachers, and more importantly on the students. I come from a preschool where I had 15 students and now I only have 6 students in my care, all 3 yrs old, and what a major difference! I can teach, they can learn, I have time for love and affection, they get sick less often, etc. One of my students tried out 2 or 3 other preschools and she just cried for weeks at every one. Then her mom brought her to me as a last resort. She cried for like 5 min and hasn't cried since! She loves it and now she cries when she has to leave. Small preschools or home schools can be less intimidating and allow the child to feel more comfortable and secure. This is just another option and my personal opinion. My only advice is to make sure you trust the person you choose. Good luck, everything will work out fine!

KEEP HIM IN SCHOOL

You will be really surprised how quick he will get in the grove. As a person that has worked at preschools and a mother having gone threw this same thing. I can tell you he will cry till you our out of sight then move on to his activities. Before you know it he will be running to play with no problem. If you take him out now it will be the same next year. I know it is so hard to hear him cry and walk away but it is kinda like a band-aid the quicker you do it the better it is.

This is so normal. I have two boys and it used to be complete torture to leave them off at school. Never was there a day they weren't smiling and laughing when I went to pick them up. I used to wait around the corner until I couldn't hear crying anymore. I think that if you wait until he's 4 he will start the tantrums again and it will be worse. Tell him, that school is what he has to do. Don't give him an option and tell him you are counting the minutes until its time to pick him up.

Good luck.

He will be fine. I am sure once you leave he is having fun. I am betting you have an uneasy look as you break away. Smile, hug & kiss him once, say goodbye and walk away. It will be better/healthier for you to give him more independance, as well as a huge benefit socailly and academically if he goes.

Don't back down now. Lots of kids cry or throw tantrums when their parents leave them. Most usually quit within a minute or two after they leave. My daughter occassionally stops and gets my grandson donut holes or something he really likes for breakfast and if he is good when dropped off, he gets to eat them. (his daycare will allow this if they sit at the table to eat them) He still sits down with them at breakfast. You might try something like that. He will outgrow it, but just be sure, when you leave, you just give him a quick hug and kiss and don't linger. If you trust your day care, he will be fine.

Good question! Since he enjoyed his first day so much, why don't you keep trying? However, my suggestion is to arrive about 5 minutes before class starts, kiss him good bye, say I'll see you after school in x number of hours, then turn and leave, as soon as your out of his sight run. I mean it. When you called and the director said he was doing fine indicates that much of his crying is all for show, aren't you glad he loves you so much he wants you to feel guilty the whole time your gone? My girlfriend went through the same thing, it took about 4 weeks before her daughter stopped this kind of behavior, but in the end she loved pre-school. My only concern is how often is he going? If its 5 days a week that will be too much for him. This year you may wish to reduce the number of days to 2 or 3. At this age they don't need to be in school 5 days a week, they'll be doing that for the next 17 years or so!

that's a very normal reaction. Did you talk to the school and his teachers about the transition period... how to make it easier on him, easier on you, what to expect, etc, etc, etc. They should've gone over all of that before he started.

My 3 year old started preschool at 2.5 and he had the same reaction. Took about a month. Your son isn't crying because he hates school, he's crying because it's change and it takes him awhile to get used to new surroundings.

one of the things we did to make the transition easier was visit several times before he started. my son would spend 1-3 hours at his new school to get used to the teachers, school, surroundings, etc. This was a great idea and really helped the transition process.

Keep him in there. If you give in now you will never get him used to daycare. Eventually the fits will go away.

I am a working mom of 3. So i have been thru the ringer when it comes to the dreaded drop off. Normal. Yes, your son is doing what all of them have. I know you feel horrible and the guilt rides with you all day. It is amazing that the first few days or day is great but the following ones are awful. I say it takes several weeks for them to fully adjust. Even after that there are days that are harder than others...like when they are tired or not feeling to well. I never sneak out. I always make sure i kiss her good bye and i always tell her i'll be back soon. I leave blowing kisses and with a big smile. I don't want her to think i'm upset or that this is a place i don't want to be. I usually wait in the hall until i don't hear her crying or fussing. The first few hall times seemed like forever and i wanted to rush in and rescue her. After a few days the fuss was so little it almost hurt my feelings. I realized have of the show was for my benefit. Such a smart cookie! Another tip...don't return to the scene. If you forgot something try to leave it at the desk or have them bring the teacher out to you. Your child knows the routine...see you say goodbye, next time he see's mom is home. Time means nothing. Good luck! The guilt can be rough, even with my 4 year old who hardly tells me goodbye. There are days she just doesn't want to go to school. Boy do i understand. Those are the days i hang a little longer and give extra kisses and look at a project she is doing. Remember they feel what you feel...that's why love always works.

I have 2 children in preschool as well. Both started at age 2. Have had other friends whose kids started between 3 and 4 adn went through similar things. Typically, it takes 4-6 weeks for children to adjest to preschool, according to my kids preschool. There will be good days and bad ones. It's a new environment and can be scary for kids when they are use to their parents being there. New rules, new people. They have to adjust to everything. Don't give up yet. Hang in there and prepare yourself for a month of adjustment. Talk up school when you are dropping your child off. Make it sound exciting. When you arrive, give them a firm hug and kiss and walk away. If you hear them crying, don't turn back. It is an adjustment for us moms as well to not be there when they start crying. It will pass, just give it a few more weeks.

I have been a daycare teacher in the past and with my experience with that and as a mom I would suggest that you keep him in now because the longer you wait the harder it will be. And besides he will learn that mom is only going to leave him when she has to and will come back to pick him up.

First, I think you need to trust your gut. You know your child better than anyone. I went through the same thing when my son was 2. However, he cried the entire time he was at school. It was terrible. I decided to leave him for an hour at first, then when he made it ok for that time, I gradually increased the time. It sounds like your child was ok after 30 minutes or so. I personally would stick with it. It sounds like a seperation thing that he will work through. It took 2 full years of preschool before my son at age 4 finally stopped crying & clinging when I left him.
I think crying when you leave is perfectly normal, sad but normal. The fact that he can calm down and have fun with the kids is the most important thing. Maybe you could leave him with a favorite toy or animal to help him cope. Or if he loves to paint, color, etc. maybe you could ask the teacher if you could try to get him interested in that activity before you leave. Good luck!

J.,
I'm sure you have had tons of advice already, but from a prek teacher's perspective, the best thing to do is stick with it. As a teacher, when precious children would throw fits, it was my job to comfort them and get their mind off mama. If you wait, I fear you will have the same problem next year in the fours' program. As long as the teacher is understanding and he is not getting hurt, I believe this too shall pass!

if you pull him out now he will know that throwing fits gets him out of whatever it is that he doesnt want to do. most kids go through some sort of seperation anxiety, and it is perfectly normal...i used to have to take my kids to the daycare and put them in the farthest room and run to make it out the door and then i could see them in the window crying...it broke my heart...but after time they realized that i always came back to get them...
you just have to be strong and know that they are crying because they love you but it will get better ...i promise

Do not pull him out. Especially if he's too clingy to you. You are doing him good.I worked at a local preschool, before I left to start my own business. What you say happened with your son is totaly normal. First day, some children love it. Next day, they realize how long they were there without seeing mommy. They deal with several things they are not used to doing at home, (having to share toys, eating at a certain time, napping at a certain time that may or may not have been the schedule he/she is acustomed to, different faces, the list goes on and on) I would tell my parents that it would be easier on the child if they were left at first for just a couple of hours the first few days, and then adding to the hours little by little. Don't make a big deal of your good-byes even though I know from experience that it's hard on us the parent also. Also from the teacher's point of view I know for a fact that two minutes after the parent leaves the child goes on his merry little way and starts exploring and having fun. If in a month or less your child is still having issues, you should consider dropping by and observing your child without being spotted by either teacher or toddler. If your preschool has video available, I would try it for the first couple of months at least. Drop in unexpected from time to time. Over all, daycare is a wonderful experience for toddlers. I taught my babies shapes, letters,colors, songs, numbers, Spanish words and songs, some sign language, how to hold their spoon, how to drink out of a cup. The list goes on and on of how much they are capeable of learning even at the age of 12-24 months. Start early, by 12 mo. if you can. The earlier they start, the easier it is for your baby. Again, not for long hours. Expect for your child to get very dirty. Have plenty of diapers and clothes available for the teacher. When we had art in my class, the babies had paint from head to toe! They love it. Hard work for the teacher, but very much worth it.

Days 2-5 in my experience are the worst. If your child is going more than once per week it should take less time.
If you child has only really been with you it is certainly an adjustment. Just make sure you aren't the last parent at pickup time. That can really stress the kids out.
Hope this helps!

3 1/2 is definitely old enough for preschool. It sounds like your son is just adjusting and now he knows when he goes to preschool that mom is leaving. He will make friends and once he learns the "school routine", he will probably thrive on it. He will be able to sense your uneasiness, so you need to be positive and excited for him--tell him you can't wait to hear about his day....

I have three children and all of them have gone through this stage...it can be just a stage if you don't let him be in control of you. I work at the church and my 3 year old practically lives there. The past 2 months he has cried and begged not to go to the church nursery. He cries from the car all the way to the playroom. I have to peel him off of me and give him to the nursery worker and 5 minutes later he is playing happily. Sometimes when I go to pick him up-he doesn't want to leave! If your son continues to cry for 30 minutes after dropping him off-then I might say that he is not ready yet. But if he is fine when you aren't in his sight-then he is just trying to pull your heart strings because he knows he can! It's hard, but I guarantee-the best thing you can teach your child is to be independent! My Robbie is already getting better and I have rewarded him with "treats" in his lunch box if he doesn't cry at drop off. He loves getting his raisins for being a good boy! Good luck mom!

http://www.redshift.com/~bonajo/early.htm

Hope this helps!

From a day care provider's prospective - - don't worry, he'll get over it as soon as you do! I always tell my kid's parents, the first day or two is always fun, new toys and friends, then by the third day, reality sets in, and they realize this is going to be a daily event, and often don't do well for up to 2 weeks.
Just keep up a good front, reassure him you want him to go to school there, you like his teacher and all his new friends.
You have to make it O.K. for him to want him to go there.
If he sees fear in your eyes, he'll react with fear, if he sees love and security, he'll react that way and know it's O.K., you want him to have fun and he can love other people besides you.
Hope it helps!!

My daughter did the exact same thing when she started. It is agonizing for us--not so much for our kids. They handle it so much better than we do--really! Honestly, I think the best thing you can do is continue taking him. He needs this activity and experience. Comfort his fears by reassuring him that you are thinking of him and that you will be back to pick him up. I talked with my daughter about having fun with her teachers and new friends. She really wanted to go. I also called it "playday" and that made a huge difference --for some reason "school" frightened her. Her separation anxiety was normal and just a part of growing up and gaining some independence. It is a huge confidence booster for our kids and us. It also teaches them to not give up too easily if something seems hard or tricky or scary. Deep down he knows that you would never put him in harm's way. You have always protected him and will continue to do so. The teachers know what they are doing and saying when they tell you to make your exit short and sweet. Don't linger. Your child will have a great day! The outburst at the beginning is usually minimal and stops quickly if not immediately after you leave. I'm sure you chose your son's preschool carefully and trust the providers, right? Trust yourself, too! You could try picking something small, like puttting a sticker on his shirt by his heart and reminding him that you will always be there when he needs you. Whenever he might need to he can look at that symbol and touch it. Any little thing like that means the world to our little ones and makes them feel connected. You must be strong too--kids are very perceptive and if he senses your lack of confidence or fears about the situation, he will respond accordingly. This phase will pass soon enough and y'all will be remembering when he started preschool and amazed at how much he has learned, grown and developed since then in no time at all. This is a very important milestone--good luck! Best wishes:)

J.,

I ran a preschool for 4 years and worked in one for about 15 years. What you describe about your sons behavior is very typical. If you truly feel like it is time to start him in preschool give it about 2 weeks and the crying should subside. He will be better by Friday of the first week but it will start again on Monday. He just wants your attention and he is going to an unknown place. As he begains to feel comfortable there, he will become happier when you drop him off. I have seen this happen on numerous occasions. Don't hang out with him there because this tells him you are not comfortable with the situation. Once he is comfortable and happy, then you can spend more time with him there. Also make sure you give him a little extra love when you are with him at home, it's scary to be dropped off at a place you are not familiar with.

Like everyone else, I'd say to keep at it. I've also been through the mornings where the preschool teacher peels my son off of me and he's screaming for me as I leave for work. Misery! But, they always told me that he calmed down once I left and he couldn't see me. The teachers were great at distracting him and helping him calm down.

We've been through ups and downs with this...weeks go by when everything is fine, then we have a clingy, whiny morning. It's so tough, but at this age they can start making friends and having fun with them. If you're able to do just a couple of days a week then you can ease into it a little more slowly. It does improve with practice.

He might get excited about having a special backpack just for taking his blanket (and whatever they allow) to school. And if you can get information from his teacher(s) about things he does and especially likes there, you can reinforce that by talking about it at home and getting other family members involved in talking about his achievements at school. I'm always passing info like that along to my mom, and then on the phone she asks all the right questions and shares how proud she is! It really makes the kids beam. Good luck!