Need Advice/Support

Hey Crissy! How about a chart for him. Make a chart with the days of the weeks that he's in school. Get some stickers and allow HIM to chart the days of his good behavior. At the end of the week, if he get's all good reports from his teacher and has five stickers in a row, he can have a treat of some sort -- a trip to get ice cream, rent a movie and make popcorn, pick a toy from the dollar store, a bottle of bubbles, a trip to McDonald's, anything that would interest him that won't break the bank! I highly recommend that if you try this to stay firm in getting good reports each day, not just three times a week. Positive reinforcement is a fabulous thing! I have two boys, I've been there. I would also talk to him and ask him how he would feel if he sat beside someone and they kept hitting him. Put the shoe on the other foot and give him some examples. Boys can be tough, but you have to be firm and consistent. You may also want to let him know that if he comes home with a bad report, that he won't be able to watch his favorite show or can't have dessert, something like that. Good luck! Stand strong!!

You made absolutely NO mention of what you do as discipline when he hits. Do you talk about it and leave it at that? Are there consequences? It's NEVER to early to teach a child that inappropriate behavior has consequences. In addition, use EVERY opportunity to talk about behavior that is appropriate and inappropriate, whether it's his or someone elses. Talk about alternatives to bad behavior. Commend him and acknowledge the good behavior of others.

Long ago in a land far, far away I taught preschool and headstart. What I remember from that time is that my job as a teacher of other people's kids is the same job as mine with my own. They are born with an empty tool belt. Our job is to put the tools in that belt that help them move and cope in the world. To do that we have to focus not on just what behavior to stop, but what behavior we want to put in it's place. That good behavior becomes one more tool in that belt.

If this were a situation with one of my kids (and it has been) I would focus at home on conflict resolution. Do it in ways that are fun and easy for him to understand. You can play pretend with him. Create a pretend situation in which you get frustrated. Ask him, "What should I do? Should I hit? Should I use my words? What should I say?" Praise his good ideas and let him help you play it out. When you play and he wants to play with the toy you have tell him, "Sharing means waiting your turn. What else can you do? Can you wait patiently? Can you find something else to play with? Can you ask to play WITH me?" Again, praise his good ideas. Do this about any situations, for instance if he is being crowded in circle time, when he has been treated unkindly. Give him the right choices and the right words and then give him opportunities to practice using them.

It will take time and lots and lots of repetition as is still young, but you will be doing a wonderful thing for him. You will be empowering him, teaching him to deal with conflict and frustration. He will feel better about himself and his teachers will love you for it.

Is he getting enough sleep? Sometimes, when both parents work, in the evening because they are so busy, and want to spend time with their child, they don't get the child to bed early enough for the child to get enough sleep. Children that age need at least 10 hrs. of sleep a night. Some sleep deprived children become more aggressive because it's harder to control your actions when you are tired. My son gets more active the sleepier he gets, and it took me a while to realize he was really sleepy when he was so active.

This sounds very difficult for you. I pray that the Lord will give you and your husband the wisdom and patience you need to guide your son towards more acceptable behavior, and I pray the the Lord will grant your son more self-control very soon! God bless!

My son did the exact same thing, to the point that time-outs did not even bother him. Sometimes he would even sit in his chair, and trip kids walking by. Fortunately, he did grow out of it, but, the frustration on how to deal with it is torture. I highly recommend the book called 1-2-3 Magic. It's suggestions on dealing with behavior issues relieved a lot of stress for the entire family!

C.:

My son is 3 1/2 and we really struggled with biting from 2 - 2 1/2, so I know how you feel. I use to dread picking him up and seeing that incident report that I needed to sign. He did grow out of it and is now doing very well at school. He is still what I would call aggressive (his teachers just say he is "all boy") and stills pushes and lashes out when he is angry, but it is much less often and it is easier to discipline since he is better equipped to understand consequences. We take away toys and privledges if he throws things or gets aggressive. At 2 1/2 you can probably start this type of discipline, but just make sure you don't give in if you say you are going to do something. Also, do you explain to him at the time what a more appropriate form of behavior would be? Giving him examples of what to say instead of hitting seemed to help my son. I would have him repeat what he should have said (instead of hitting) at the time. Hope this helps.

Two and a half is very young to be in daycare all day. But, as with all misbehavior, he should be punished. Normally, when he comes home, what does he like to do? Do you take him outside to play?
Let him know that if you get a bad report from the daycare that he cannot go outside to play. Or whatever it is he really likes. Then, follow through. He will catch on.
If you can't think of something to take away, then start something enjoyable when he gets home and let him know if he hits again that he will be grounded from it that day.

Chrssy,

Just out of curiosity, what type of school does your son attend?

My sister had a really difficult time with her daughter, she was drwaing blood on people since she was 16 months. She did it to me and to her parents all the time, she threw fits when it was time to leave the park, became so violent kicking and screaming that my sister was AFRAID to leave her house.
She would always say it was when she became tired, but she scratched my face and drew blood right after a nap once.

Well, my sister is in education, was a teacher then became a therapist, dyslexia specialist and decided that her daughter would try an AMI certified montessori school.
There is only one here in Indianapolis but you can look one up.

Their technique is so unique and different.
She says her daughter is transformed.

Not all schools, disciplinary methods or teaching styles are for everyone. If I could afford it, I'd put my daughter in one for I know she'd love it.
Amy

Telling an agressive child to use "gentle hands" is pointless.
Your child is trying to express something. He has a legitimate feeling that deserves to be expressed. He's just expressing it in a socially unacceptable way.
Telling him to use gentle hands is ignoring him, ignoring his feelings. It's telling him that his anger/frustration/sadness should be bottled up and he should act happy.

Try telling him other ways to express those angry/frustrated feelings. "If you want that toy, you can say 'Sara, can I have the toy.'"
Or give him some physical way to deal with the frustration- clench his hands, stomp his feet, roar like a lion, etc.
It doesn't have to be something that I've written, just something that you think will help your ds be able to express his feelings in a socially acceptable way.

I highly recommend Becoming The Parent You Want To Be for dealing with difficult behavior in kids up to 5 years old. It gives methods of discipline that are respectful and considerate of kids, but still don't allow behavior that is harmful or inconsiderate of others.

I don't know if this will help, but I work with 2.5-3 year olds at a daycare and at our daycare when someone hits, we have the hit person tell the offender "I don't like it when you hit me" or even just making sure they know " I don't like that" and the offender apologizes.....it helps with our children so they realize their behavior is not acceptable and it affects someone else we also remind them that we use our words to talk to people not our fists, sometimes the children just get frustrated because they want to say something they just don't have the vocabulary to say it ...hope this gives you another insight

There is nothing wrong with seeking physchiatric help for your son. There are many child phsychologists out there. They might be able to find what it will take to change the temperament of your child.

Just an idea...

You could reward him for his good days and "punish" him for his bad. Here's what I mean, do some kind of a star bulletin board at home. Maybe on the refrigerator. Everyday he was good and didn't hit give him a star. If he has a "bad" day, take a star away. If at the end of the week he has 4 stars, he gets a special treat or gets to stay up one hour later than bed time.

I know this can be hard. Good luck C.!
-A.

C.,
You should call your state's early intervention program and see if there is any help that they can offer. They are a wonderful resource and highly recommend it! Good luck.

L.

I totally understand what you are going through. I have a two and a half year old son myself who will be 3 in August, and he does not hit nor is aggressive, but he has major behavior problems. He is defiant and destructive, like you, me and my husband have tried everything, he does not care about discepline or consequences, he loves to take everything appart to see how it works, and has turned our whole house upside down. you can read my own request that I wrote a couple of weeks ago if you want, it might help a little, it will be under the special needs catagory. Let me assure you, you are doing nothing wrong, some kids just have problems, and need outside help, other than mom & dad, has your pediutrician referred him to a pediatric neurologist? That is what I would recommend, because it doesn't sound like your pediutrician is taking you seriously, your son might have a medical condition that could be corrected with medication, but if you do not want to medicate, that is understandable, and there are other options. Is your son only like this when he is in daycare, or is it all the time? Does he get aggressive with adults or just other children? You can look into Help Me Grow, they are a free service from the government that provides programs for children birth to age 3, my son is currently seeing a behavior specialist and a speech therapist because he cannot talk, in addition to his behavior problems, they will probably assign your son a behavior specialist, the one that is seeing my son though, is not very assertive and I don't feel he is right for the job, but maybe you will get somebody different, it all depends, it's free, so it is worth a try, if you are interested, the phone # is ###-###-####. My son is currently on Ritalin, and it does help him, he is only on half the dose right now, we are waiting for the OK from his doctor before putting him on full dose, but I can see an improvement already, he is calmer and able to focus and actually sit still and watch TV for 20 minuts, which is a big deal for him, because normally, without meds, he is out of control, he is constantly running around all crazy and destroying anything he can get his hands on and cannot focus on any one thing for more than 30 seconds, the doctor can't give me a firm diagnosis just yet, but believes he may have ADHD, he is very intelligent, that is what gets him into so much trouble, child proof devices do not work for him, he can figure anything out and has excellent problem solving skills, when he wants to get to something, he will figure out a way to get to it, even if it is up in a high place, he is very resourceful in that way, he will use his toys for step stools, and can climb gates with no problem. But the medication is keeping him under better control now, thank God! I don't know if your son has any of thiese problems, or if it is just the hitting, but I hope my advice helps a little, please let me know if anything chainges and you can write me back if you have any other questions or just need vent, believe me I know your frustration, there is behavior that goes beyonde just terrible two's, and I hope you can get your pediutrician to understand that. All the best of luck to you, you are in my thaughts and prayers.

You can always tell what kids are in a child care facility all day and which ones are either home with mom or or a private sitter. My children are now in school full-time and we can still tell which of their classmates were in child care all day. The most agressive and demanding kids are usually the day care kids.
I work so I know we have to have child care for our kids but I used a combination of grandma and a private sitter. I dropped the kids to the sitter's house. She watched three other kids so they got the social interaction they need. She also ran a structured setting. They had free time a couple times a day, story time, puzzle time, snack time, abc time, etc...
My kids are seriously known around the school and neighborhood as two of the sweetest most gentle kids. I know I'm probably ticking some people off who use day care but even educators have told me that most children who were in day care from a very young age have more agression than those who don't.
Good luck!

C.,

Try checking out the book "Hands Are Not For Hitting" from your library. I know I've recommended this book before on this site, but it really hits home in a lighthearted way. There's also "Feet Are Not For Kicking" and so forth.