Need Advice Please... - Cranston,RI

It seems like you have a big heart! Everyone is entitled to be happy. You have done all you can for your family but they are adults too and you are not responsible for them. It is really not healthy for everyone involved if you continue to carry them. Yeh, it might sting at first but it will benefit everyone if you put your foot down and say, " Hey, i put my time in and now it is your turn to live" You do deserve it. There is nothing wrong with you feeling like you want your own space. You just lost your self worth because of taking care of your family for so long. If you tell them how you feel without making it offensive they should understand because they should love you not only for what you done for them but because you are 'family.' Tell them you love them but it is time for everyone to fend for themselves. Stay strong and speak with compassion and empathy. if they love you, they WILL understand, it may be sooner or it WIll be later.

Hi D.,

You have my complete sympathy. I know you might be getting a lot of responses to this, so I shall keep mine short.

The first person you should talk to is your sister, especially if you get on well with her. Does she go to college? Does she have a job? Would she relish the idea of living out of home? She might surprise you....

Your Dad and brother will be harder, but they are both adults and your brother needs to get his own space and sense of being. My brother was the same and only really became a 'complete' person when he was able to finally move out into his own space. Tackle him second. Your Dad may be the hardest, if only because asking you to run the household when your mother died was quite possibly the most selfish thing he could have done. He was grieving, but so were you, and to land you with the extra responsibility when most people your age would have been moving out, going to college or whatever, was somewhat unfair. However, you no longer have to run the household, as your siblings are old enough to look after themselves, and so is he. Whilst it may not be a comfortable conversation, you need to tell him about your situation now. You have your family, he will still have his, but he'll have to travel a bit further than upstairs. Not being honest with him and your siblings will make things worse - you never know, maybe they have been waiting for you to talk to them because they didn't want to bring it up themselves.....

I'm no Dr. Phil - but that is what I would do....

Best wishes,
C. R

Hi D.!
You are a strong woman to have dealt with so much. Your siblings are old enough to be on their own with maybe a save now and then for the younger sister- your dad is the hard question. I think you should sit down with everyone and really talk about your needs and your families needs. It is not like you would be moving to China or anything... It's time for the other "adults" in your family to live as adults. I would go in to the family meeting with some possible solutions- then discuss an "itnerary" for making decisions, meet again in a week- make sure you have a time restraint... albeit you should be flexible - but stand your ground. If decisions can't be made together- then take the authority that has already been given to you- make a 6 month deadline etc. Good luck and don't back down!

D.-
Congratulations on your little boy and being nearly finished with school! Good for you! It's hard to be a mom and a student at the same time (understatement!!).

With regard to your housing and family situation, I am of the opinion that you ARE entitled to live you life how it's best for you and your family. I also think that once you tell your father and brother of your plans to sell this house- giving them a specific deadline for getting their own plans taken care of (I'm afraid if you don't give them something specific, they'll make excuses about not having anywhere to go and making you feel guilty), that they should be happy for you. People who love you should support you and be happy when life carries you to new heights. (I know this sounds naieve, but a girl's gotta have something to believe in) Even if they react badly, you have given more than enough to these ADULTS. Now is the time to focus on growing YOUR family- that little boy and wonderful husband. They'll be ok- even if they're mad at you. You'll be ok- even if they're mad at you. Good luck with this stinky situation. You really are right to want something more for yourself and your family! Good luck! C.

Hi D.,
first of all I think that it's great that you took care of your family all these years. But you can't feel guilty about wanting to get on with your life. You have a family of your own and you are studying for a great career. If I were you I'd sit down and talk with them and let them know that you love them, you took care of them and now its your turn to do something for yourself...Honestly, if you let them make you feel guilty, you are going to resent them eventually. Hope my advice wasn't too harsh...take care!

Hi D.,

My advice would be to #1 know that you need to place your hubby and baby first. Your father should realize this, but he's grown too dependant on you. #2, have you considered possibly renting out your half and making money on that portion so you won't feel too guilty???

Hi D.,

Let me first start off with commending you and your husband for taking on the responsibility of two households. It seems that you did more than your fair share of raising your sister and brother. You have to come to terms with the fact that your husband (who must be wonderful) and your baby Joseph are your immediate family members now and you should not feel guilty about that. You should also take note of the fact that your brother is old enough to take care of himself and should be living on his own or take on the responsibility of helping your father run their household. I'm not sure how soon you would like to move but if you give them at least three months to find a place to live all should be fine. Again stop worrying and enjoy your husband and baby boy!

D.

I think that you have done more than your share for your family and they are just taking advantage of you. There is no reason for you to feel guilty for wanting to live your own life. Your brother, sister, and father are more than capable of taking care of themselves. Now it is time for you to take care of yourself and your own family.

Hey D.,

Just my opinion. I think you have taken your family long enough. They are definitely old enough to fend for themselves. Good luck.

Y.

Hi D.,
I know what you are going thought. I was 19 years old when my Father had a break down after finding out my mother had cancer and killed himself. 6 months later my Mother died from cancer. I was left with a sister 2 years younger than me. She was babied her whole life. I was taking care of everything all by my self after my parents died since my Mother's family including my grandmother didn't want anything to do with us. My father's side had all passed away. My sister moved out of our parents house when my now husband and I got engaged and she got an apartment. We bought her half of the house and set up a trust fund for her. Little buy little she spent most of it. I was bailing her out every time she got into too much credit card debit just so she wouldn't have to use the money our parents left her. My husband and I had good jobs so I thought I needed to take care of her. She didn't have a full time job and was very irresponsible. After about 7 years of this I just stopped! I told her this is the last time I will bail you out of credit card debit and you need to grow up and take care of your self. That was it. We sat down and I showed her everything I thought she would need to know and told her if she had any questions I would be happy to answer them. All I would do is give her advice but she was on her own. It was the best thing I could have ever done. 2 years later she had her own health insurance, had a full time job, purchased a 2 bedroom home right down the street from me and purchased a brand new Mercedes!! If someone would have told me two years earlier that all this would happen if I would just let go, I would have LOL.

D., your family now is your husband and your son. It's time for your sister, brother and your father to take care of them selves. They are all adults now and you have done more than you had too. If you need more space offer to sell the house to them. DO NOT RENT IT TO THEM NO MATTER WHAT! You will never get the money on time and that will put you and your husband in a bind. Or talk to a attorney and get advice on what your options could be. Or just tell them the house is going up for sale on this date find a place to live. Do not feel bad you did plenty for them, it's time they acted like adults and took care of them selves... you did it!

Good luck and if you ever need someone to talk to email me at ____@____.com is not going to be easy but trust me in a few years you will be so happy you did this.

Hi, I am in a similar situation with my mom. She doesn't live with me - but relies on me for most everything. My husband and I have decided that we are moving to Texas. What about mom? This was hard and I know that you are agonizing over it. Please remember that you did not create their situations. Your family which you are concerned about are all adults. At some point everyone becomes responsible for their own lives. You have made it so easy for them - why should they leave. Please, while you and your husband are still happiily married, continue with your lives. They have no choice but to understand and not hinder your decision to better your familys life. You, your husband and your child are your priority. This is not selfish! This is common sense. Keep telling yourself that these are adults you are talking about. You are definately doing your brother and sister a favor by making them be responsible for themselves. It is past the time that your brother was "pushed from the nest" and on his own. Your father has chosen to be helpless. He should understand your decision. As a father he should encourage it.

You are not responsible for the lives of the adults in your family. You are responsible for the well being of your husband and child. Take your life to the next level. Your father and sibs will adjust. You are actually doing your sibs a favor by setting a good example and making them be responsible for themselves.

You sound like a sensitive, intelligent woman. Be happy, grow in spirit, prosper, and know that you are doing nothing wrong.

Good luck.

D. omg dont know how you have done it for that long ....It is time that you let your dad brother and sister know that you have your own family now and that they need to move on as well ....there all adults now and should be able to take care of themselves you have way done your part hun you cant take care of them all for the rest of your life you deserve to have your own family and move on ...Your family has lost your mom but if mom were here she wouldnt want them to keep the burden on you being you are the oldest sibiling you have done your part while they were children your brother and sister are now adults your dad is a adult himself and if he cant take care of himself then thats a problem for him you need to tell them the way u feel that you love them all but you need to be a family with your husband and baby alone ....tell them that you and your husband are gonna be buying a new home single and they need to make arrangements for themselves if they all decide to live together bro sis and dad fine but its time that they step up to the plate and not depend on you in a nice way but you need to be happy too and have your time with your family alone as well ....i would just let them know what your plans are give them plenty of time to decide what they were gonna do with themselves but tell them this is what is happending in the near future ...at the same time you are there for them for advice and you will be there to visit but the living situations got to change ....i wish you luck :)

D.,

Let me tell you something. First of all, you don't owe your Family ANYTHING. What you did for them is enough...they are being totally selfish because you now have a baby which should be all you think about...your life is now Joseph!!!

So tell your family in a nice way that you can't take care of them anymore because HELLLLLOOOOO there is a baby in my life now...I have the same problem with my family ...I have a 16 month old son and my family relies on me for everything but there is a time to say NO...because my son needs me now...

okay well good luck...p.s. your brother is 28 and should be on his own anyway.

Kelly

D.,
First of all, you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty. In the beginning your dad had no right to guilt you into taking care of him. He is an adult. Now more than ever you have no reason to feel guilty. All of your siblings are old enough to take care of themselves and unless you give them a boot... er hand out they never will learn to live on their own two feet. No you should not feel guilty, if anything you should feel put out that these full grown adults depend on you for their livelyhood, when you have a family of your own to take care of. If you need a way to feel better about what you NEED to do, offer to sell them the house so they can all stay together and support each other. In any case you need to take care of you and your family first and not stress out about other people who are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. Goodluck.
K.

D. it seems to me that it is time for your family to stand on there own 2 feet. They are all old enough to be out on there own. It's sounds to me that they are taking advantage of you. It's better to do what you feel you need to do before it becomes 10 years later. You also do not want this to reuin your marrage. Bottom line you need to do waht best for YOUR family and if that means moving to a house without an inlaw apartment then so be it. Hopefully your father brother and sister will understand and if not they will get over it eventually just don't bare all the quilt because you have nothing to feel guilty about. Face it you have given them a place to live for this long and it's not your job to take care of them, they are all grown adults. Hope this helps even if just a little bit. Good Luck

Hi,
I think there comes a time when you have to worry only about your immediate family. I kind of had the opposite situation - I lived at home after my dad died young (I was also 23) and I felt terribly guilty about leaving them behind when it came time for me to get married and move out. I did it, though, and everything worked out and my family(mom and g-mom)are fine on their own. I was so stressed about it! Your siblings are old enough to find their own places. You don't say how old your dad is but as long as he is well, it is time for him to move on, too. I think my mom does better on her own, actually. It is a very hard thing to do but you have to think of your husband and baby now. By the way, your husband is a real good guy to have accepted your family as he has. You don't want to ruin that relationship bu having them overstay their welcome. Good luck to you!

I'm so sorry for your loss of your mother. {{{HUG}}}

You ARE entitled to a life of your own, a home of your own, and living for your own young family. You are NOT abandoning your father or siblings. They're old enough to take care of themselves, and it's truly not fair of them to expect you to step in and continue to take your mother's place. You're not responsible for your siblings, as much as you love them, because they're not only adults but they also have your father. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's the truth.

You have a husband and a baby now, and THEY are your first priority. They should be your first priority. If you're feeling guilt about this, I suggest talking with a counselor. It sounds like you were forced to grow up and take on a lot of responsibility before you were ready under tragic circumstances, and haven't had a chance to grieve for your mom. Maybe that's where your guilt is coming from... not being able to grieve and having to take her place as head of the house. {{{HUG}}}

Dearest D.,
Extended families are a blessing sometimes- but when it becomes stressful to your base marriage and homelife with your child- it is time to move on. I think that would be the best advice to give you. YOU are not responsible for the family- your father is now. That is HIS responsibility, not yours.
Hope that helps.
thanks,
V.