I am the mother of 3 kids;15, 12 and 11. I was in no way a perfect mother when they were toddlers, but was pretty successful when it came to positve reinforcement when it came to discipline. They did not listen 100% of the time, but at least 85% of the time. I have a 24 yr old step-daughter who has a 4 yr old daughter and she is due in march with a boy. Now mind you, I am only 10 yrs older than her and we have been pretty close since I married her father when she was 10. The problem is lately she has no tolerance with her daughter. And she has gotten to the point of doing nothing at all to discipline her so she can save a headache. I, on the other hand, will only let her go so far when she is with me. Her daughter seems to respond to me when I try to tell her right from wrong and the behavior will go away. However, at home, her mother is at her wit's end with her. I would like to give her advice on how to handle some issues to save her some grief, because my fear is when the new baby comes, her daughter will take over the house. I, however, do not want to step on the toes of my step-daughter and act like I may know more than she does. I remember how hard it is to raise toddlers, but she is so out of control. When they are both at my home, her good behavior goes out the door because her mother is there. I do not feel right butting in with her mother there. So my question is, should I stay quiet, or should I speak up, at least in my home. I love my step-daughter and she is a good mother, she just seems to be to tired with this pregnancy to even try anymore. I want to save her extra stress ahead, with a new baby to care for, her daughter can be a real handful. any advice is welcome, even if you tell me to butt out!
Tell her that you would like to give her advice but don't want her to be upset by it and see what she says. She may just want it. And at least then you have forwarned her so she shouldn't be to upset by it.
I definitely think you have the right to speak up in your own home. You have house rules and you can present it as we don't do that here. Also, I agree with some of the others about talking to your step-daughter in a loving, concerned way and sharing what has worked for you, especially what discipline techniques her daughter has responded to with you. It also helps if you compliment her on things she's doing right and/or positive qualities you see in her daughter. Then offer suggestions for making her life easier as a mom.
I think you should gently, but firmly, discipline your grand-daughter when she's at your house and with you out in public. Tell her exactly what you want her to do--word things in the positive way. You don't have to anticipate and immediately dive in at the first hint of misbehavior, but when she crosses a line, discipline her as you would your own child. Chances are, your stepdaughter will observe the results with interest and you'll probably find her using those same techniques, especially after the new baby is born. Oftentimes, subtle modeling is more effective than trying to convince someone to try something your way. Mother of 3 sons, 17 - 25 and educator for 26 years.
The daughter is old enough to comprehend some things. If she listens to you maybe you should tell her that you believe her behavior at home with her mother is unacceptable and she should try to be good for her mommy like she is with you. I think a lot of women have a hard time taking parenting advice when they haven't asked for it, especially adding being pregnant to the mix. Good Luck
i would stay out of it... i was sooo tired when i was pg with my second one and my then 3 year old just wanted to play all the time... and i found myself getting worked up over nothing... so instead of just making her go away i got some puzzles and i could lay on the couch and rest while she did them and if she wanted me to play it was not a huge deal for me to roll my big belly over to do some puzzles.... we also had a playset in our backyard where i can just sit on the porch and watch her play it was really nice. but if anyone had tried to talk to me when i was that tired it would have gotten ugly lol... so maybe just get her some coloring books puzzles easy quiet indoor games so mom can rest but still be in the same room.... oh one other thing that my daughter LOVES and will do for like 45 mins at a time is play house disney its easy and fun and i get a break!! good luck!
I think in your home you have the right to correct any behavior that may cause damage to your home or the child. You could also, in a not taking control way guide her so she acts better. However, from personal experience, don't directly go to her and speak up. It may drive her away from you. Instead maybe offer some help. Mention that you notice she is exhausted and in need of help and ask if she would like you to help out with her daughter. That approach may be taken much easier by her and maybe by seeing how well you handle her daughter she will see and hopefully follow.
We all learn lessons in life, some of us just have to learn them on our own.
Good luck.
T.
First of all, it's nice that you care about how your step-daughter is doing considering YOUR full life. My first reaction is that perhaps the pregnancy is draining her and she is avoiding any confrontation b/c right now she just can't mentally or physically handle it. I would approach her more as a "friend" than a stepmom (in this case.) I would say things like "how are you feeling today? You seem a bit edgy" (insert whatever it is you notice.) "How can I help you?" The most important thing in whatever it is you say, is HOW you say it!! Come across as caring, nurturing, loving and not critical. Because no matter your intention, if you say it the wrong way the whole thing will backfire. Rehearse it while driving in the car or whatever! I don't know your situation, but maybe the BEST thing you could do is offer to babysit and/or ask your own children to help you babysit. Once you have her daughter alone in your home, you can try to set up and enforce boundaries. Then after babysitting a few times, you could say "you know, I noticed when I sat her in the time-out chair, she would listen, OR when I did XYZ, she did ABC..." See what I mean? Lead by example more than instruction. But if you say she is a good mom, and this is recent, I would be willing to bet it's temporary. Unfortunately if she doesn't get this under control now, it's going to be MUCH worse once that baby comes. She may need you then too. Oh, and what about referring her to THIS website!!?? She could get advice from people she doesn't know (sometimes works better) about her daughter, her pregnancy AND this new baby?! Good Luck!
most of the advice already given says to not say anything to a pregnant woman cuz she's probably just over tired, over frustrated, etc. I totally disagree. I just had a baby 2 months ago and I have an 19 month old and a 6 yr. old. I would have loved for someone to say, "you know what...you look like you could use some help...can I help you with her?" Or something like "wow you're not being very nice/obedient/helpful to your mommy now. You have to practice being helpful so when the new baby comes you'll have it down pat." to the little girl.
And then, I also wished somone would just take the kids away. I mean, I loved them to death, and always miss them if I spend more than 24 hours away from them, but that last trimester just about killed me. I was WAY too tired, couldn't sleep through the night, and had to deal with the kids come 7 am. God did not intend women to have to go through this much trouble while pregnant. Most other countries and in the "olden days" a pregnant woman has tons of other women around her, helping with the older kids, doing the housework, making sure the pregnant woman gets the rest she needs and deserves.
I'm sure your step-daughter would love for you to step in and help.
-A.
Sit down with her and tell her. Tell her first off that you do not want to offend her in anyway but you want to give her some advice. I would definetly try and sit down alone with her. Perhaps the other children can keep her daughter entertained for a while. Just tell her that she seems to be a bit more tired and you would like to offer tips on not allowing her daughter to walk all over her. She may be more open to it if you say Hey you can tell me no if you want. That way she has the choice to listen or not and she wont feel so cornered. Also you may want to offer to take your grandchild once a week. I know as a mother of 3 someone offering to take my oldest two for a couple of hours is a great break!
Good luck!
I would offer her some advice in a manner that is non threatening in any way. Let her know your there to help if she needs it because you understand how tiring pregnancy can be. I think the others who have posted gave good advice also.
