Need Advice on Teaching My 21 Mo. Old to Sleep on Her Own

Really at this point considering her age you will probably have to do the cry it out method or Ferber method less harsh to some parents. This will now teach her Mommy or Daddy will not stay lying in her room and she needs to sleep on her own. It sounds harsh but with her age I don't know of another option? You can try going in every 15 minutes and then trying to soothe her but not a lot of talking and leave her room, then if she continues to cry go back in 25 minutes later, etc...keep increasing the time. She knows at this age she has "gotten her way" and gets to have Mommy or Daddy with her at night. Good Luck!

I think a big part of the problem might be that you are saying "do you want me to stay her?" She agrees and complies and you leave her anyway. She kept up her part of the bargain by going to sleep just to discover that you deceived her and left. You have to choose your words very carefully with small kids.
I recommend that you just cuddle, rock, sing, whatever to comfort her for 5 minutes. Then lay her in her crib and tell her you need to go potty. Leave for a few minutes and then come back. Sit, and hold her hand or whatever for a minute or two, then tell her you need to go do the dishes and will be back soon. Leave for 10-15 minutes and come back. If she is still awake, hold her hand again for a few minutes, then make up another excuse to leave the room. This will teach her that you honor what you say and she can trust you. She knows exactly what to expect, so she can relax while she waits. Eventually, when she trusts you, you can skip straight to the long chore and just be gone until she falls asleep. The rocking and cuddling for 5 minutes is important because she doesn't know any other way to settle and relax. It sounds like she is crying because she is sad that you left as opposed to angry at you. It makes it harder on you and is sadder to hear her cry, but makes it much easier to train her and overcome it.

I also have a 21 month old little girl, however she has always gone to sleep herself, my first child however was my " learning " child, she taught me many things as a parent, like 1, its usually not as bad as mommy or daddy thinks it is, 2, Your child knows you better than you think and 3, consistancy is the best for teaching your child anything! You are doing what is right for your child and yourself, if she is fed, has a dry diaper and is not ill there is no reason to beat yourself up for it, she may miss a nap or two while adjusting but she will be fine, keep doing what you are doing and try ( if you havent already ) introducing a lovey, which can be almost anything, my daughter ( the toddler) has a blanket and a pull bunny that plays music, the tags on each are her favorite part she rubs them between her fingers until she falls asleep. I wish you the best of luck and dont get discouraged!

Hi C.,
I was in the same boat you are- My first born would not sleep unless we rocked her to sleep, then when she woke in the night (sometimes 5 times a night) she would need to be rocked again. I did not sleep for 2 years and I was not able to function very well.

Anyway, we tried EVERYTHING- I read every book out there and at 25 months ended up hiring a sleep consultant. What she said to me was hard to take- it went against everything I felt was right, but I was so exhausted I had to try- and IT WORKED!!!

Basically she said to have a talk with her about how she is growing up and can do things all by herself- give examples- in my daughter's case it was she could go down the slide at the park, and put her shoes on- whatever example you have that will give her a sense of pride that she can do it-

So you tell her, you are such a big girl now, you can use your spoon and drink from a cup and ..... It is time for you to be able to go to sleep all by yourself too. Tonight when it is bed time we are going to have a special routine- we will (insert your routine here) brush your teeth, read 3 books have a little cuddle, and then it will be time to go to bed. When we put you in your crib, you get to lay down all by yourself, close your eyes, and go to sleep. Mommy and Daddy are going to go to sleep in our room and when we wake up in the morning we can all play together again.

If you go over the routine and let her know what to expect a few times during the day then when it is bedtime you can remind her of how proud you are that you know she can do it.

Once you tuck her in, that is it- You do not go back in until the morning.

The first night might be rough, or easier than you thought, usually the 2nd and 3rd nights are the worst, but it gets better pretty quick.

The way to keep yourself sane: Keep a log- write down what time she starts crying, how long it lasts- That way you can see the progress (I know 5 minutes of crying and or screaming can feel like an eternity, but if you look and see that it was 20 minutes tonight, and 30 last night, you can see progress and feel better.

For nap time it is the same thing- Once you put her down, she is on her own for an hour. at the hour mark if she is asleep, great- if not, go and get her- nap time is over.

If she is overtired it will be harder, so put her down a little earlier.

OK- that is all the books I read and the sleep expert's plan in a nutshell- If I had to recommend 1 book it would be Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weisbluth (SP?)

It gives a lot of good info for sleep for all ages.

Good luck- For me this is the hardest part of parenting, but once it gets worked out, makes the biggest difference in your whole family's lives.

S.

Dear C.,
I think I have a stron opinion about the words "cry it out" versus, sleep training. Sleep training my involve crying it out, but it also implies that children need some guidance. We use to say, "I know you are safe, I know you can put yourself to sleep and we will be here if you need us." Give kisses and go. I think it is great that you are letting her know that she is bigger now, you could add, it's time for girls who are growing and changing to learn how to put themselves to sleep. I know it might make you sad, that's ok, but Iknow you can do it." I believe in acknowledging the loss as she enters into the change, but also giving the message that you know she can do it. I think all these words help us calm down too. It's training because she is transitioning from one phase to another. We also started to respond and irregular intervals, whichit sounds like you are doing. It sounds like you are being honest with yourself and know that you need to make this transition for your own self care as well as believing that she can do it. It takes time. You will get there. Every child and every family is different.
Good Luck,
Mary
Married, work p/t five and a half fraternal boy twins.

I always had my children, all five of them in their own rooms with cribs etc since they were about 8 weeks. Before that they would be in a bassinet by my bed for breast feeding etc. So all my kids never went through that crying it out stage.I did break one child that I nannied.

My daughters baby is 6 months old and they have a little nite light in his room and he crys about 2-3 minutes and goes to sleep. Because you have waited so long, old habits die hard. Here is what I saw on Nanny 911----she put the child in the room and they cried it out, it may take a week or longer but she eventually will lay down and go to sleep and get the idea that you see her in the am. I have always heard don't rock a child past 3-4 months because they get used to having a constant rocking motion and than they cannot sleep without something moving them, someone rocking them, a car jiggling, someone jiggling the crib etc. I don't think there is an easy way to do it. Can an alcoholic slowly cut back---I doubt it. Cold Turkey is the only way. When one thing is substituted for another than they get used to that and you have to get them off that and than another thing etc.

My friend knows a lady that still can't get the kid out of her bed and he is 10 years old believe it or not. It will be very hard but if you think you can't do it, maybe give her to your mom to break her out of the habit, it takes about a week or so and you can't go back and forth. You have to stay with the routine.

I broke a child when I was Nannying because the parents couldn't stand it anymore and were at the end of their rope, they never had any personal time without their child hanging on them etc and sleeping there all night. But when I nannied in the daytime, I let him cry it out in his crib and they did it at nite and after 5 days he went to his crib without fussing.But it was alot of crying, not for the faint at heart! Good Luck and BE STRONG!!!!

My best advice for sleep issues is to read the book, "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child". This book should be called, "Healthy Sleep, Happy Mommy"! I read this book when I sleep trained my son, and I reread sections whenever we hit hiccups. The writing style took some getting used to, but I believe that what he says about consistency and how your response trains your child. You're the mom, and you get to help your daughter learn to put herself to sleep. Admittedly, it might be tough for a few days, or even a week (or maybe even two!), but stay consistent and she will learn. Good luck! I know sleep-training is really hard, but SO worth it!

Hi C. -

Just curious why all of a sudden you think you need to "sleep train" her? Why is 20 months the age to do it? I believe in a gradual weaning from cuddling w/ mom and dad. I think trying to sleep train a child who is at an age of elevated anxiety being away from the parents who help assure them of their safety is usually the worst time to try this. She's really not old enough to comprehend that she is truly safe w/o you and she will develop autonomy when it is natural. The truth is, she won't always "need" to be rocked and cuddled to sleep at night, though lots of people will try to convince you of this. Instead of leaving her in her crib and making her cry it out, you could just gently help her out of the "rocking" habit by laying down with her and rubbing/patting her back; my husband and I love these peaceful times with our children at bedtime and feel that its such a fleeting time we have while our little ones are this little, we don't want to take it for granted. As your daughter gets older she will slowly let go of the anxiety of not having you lay next to her to fall asleep. For our kids this age has varied, but it has been very natural and each one has let go of that between the ages of 2 1/2 and 4. There really is no need to fear that your child won't ever learn this, so don't put your daughter or yourself through the unnecessary pain of forcing something when it's not the a more natural time for her or you.

Check out the book "the no cry sleep solution for toddlers" if you need other ideas in getting your daughter to sleep w/o crying it out.

Peace and blessings to you and your little one,
J.

P.S. If your daughter is waking during the night a lot, you can just put her on a little mattress next to your bed so she has you close by to help her back to sleep easier when she wakes. Many parents just have their toddlers sleep with them for a while until they gets through her "anxiety" stage.

Hey Cherly,

It look like you've gotten some really good advice so far! I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. My 25 month old daughter just started going to sleep on her own! Like your daughter, she has always been rocked, held, or snuggled to sleep and was also waking up several times each night and needed help going back to sleep. I guess two years of no sleep was finally my breaking point. I don't believe in "crying it out" when they are tiny...they need reasurance, but at two they have to start relaxing on their own or we will end up rocking a 9 year old to sleep before we know it...right?

My approach was to follow a super-nanny technique. I don't know how this will work unless you are ready to try a "big girl bed," but maybe that is what she needs to not feel trapped and alone. Here's the technique: Do your routine of brushing teeth, reading and whatever. Then you tuck her in and give hugs and kisses, tell her you love her and it is time to go to sleep and stay in bed. Leave the room but stay nearby. The first time she comes out, you take her back in, hug, kiss, love you, goodnite, stay in bed. Every time out after that you don't say anything you just take her back in and put her in bed then leave. It sounds hard, but trust me, I am such a wimp when it comes to my daughter crying and it worked great. The first night she was out of bed about 10 times, next night 5 and nap time that next day, she didn't get out at all! Like I said, this will only work if she is in a big girl bed.

Whichever way you do it, I wish you luck.

C.,
This is a fleeting stage. She will outgrow it by 5 or sooner and if you do some of the Ferber ect, methods it will be so confusing that she "all of the sudden has to be a big, independent child".You will then have to deal with more naughty daytime behavior, trust me!! With an older and younger daughter, I can tell you it all goes by so fast and she will be onto some other challenge for you and your husband. Although, it means less sleep, I let my younger and very rarely, our older daughter, make a "nest" on the futon mattress when they need it. Life is full of challenges for these little ones, why not give them night time security? Be creative and follow your heart. You sound like a loving, nurturing Mama already. You'll figure it out. On a different note, I had a long talk with our pediatrician about this subject and she said almost every family asks about this? Do what is right and know it will pass soon.
K.

Sorry, but I am NOT a fan of letting them cry it out. They are only little for such a SHORT time! Someday you will LONG for the days of cuddling and rocking her. I have 3 children and always rocked, cuddled, read.... whatever it took. But they always went to bed feeling secure, happy and loved. They are 9 yrs, 6 yrs and 3 yrs now and we don't have any sleep issues. We simply do a story time, prayer, cuddle and then I get up. They do have bunk beds and usually sleep well together. When our 3 yr old has fallen asleep I pick her up and put her in her own room. That way she can sleep while the other 2 get up and get ready for school in the morning. It works for us. But at 21 months I KNOW I was still rocking and cuddling. I feel they still "need" us to help them soothe themselves to sleep. Good luck!