Need Advice on Step Parent

Ok, first of all... how long has she been your step mom, and is your biological mom a part of your life or has she passed? That makes a huge diffeence. I don't think that you should call her mom unless you feel like doing so. It can't be forced. I am a step mom to a 10 year old boy. (I also have 4 other kids). He lives with us, but I still don't make him call me mom. Sometimes I would like it if he did... but in my heart I know that he has a mother. I cannot take the place of her. And I don't want to. I don't think that your step mom should get upset at you... but at the same time, and this is without knowing the circumstances surrounding your reasons, I can see how it could hurt her heart. So if you feel like talking about the whole story... I would love to listen and try to offer up some more advice if I have any. It is a struggle being a step parent. But it is also hard being the step child. I hope that things can work themselves out for you. Have a wonderful evening. Take care.
A.

Hello..
I am a step-parent to a 9 year-old girl. I know from experiance that being a step-parent can be a tough situation. However, I made it very clear to my step-daughter that she is free to call me whatever she would like to. I feel like my role in her life is to be a supporter and an extra person to lean on in times of need. However, I do leave the serious stuff to her parents (although I do give dad advice now and then). I think your step-mom is probably feeling insecure about your relationship and that you should call a girl's day out w/her. Use this time to tell her that you care about her, and value your relationsip, but that you don't feel comfortable calling her mom. She may be a little hurt at first, but I think she may appreciate your candidness. I would also let her know that her/and dad's, unwanted advice is making you uncomfortable, and that you would like the opportunity to learn from your own mistakes. Good luck!

Hi C.:
What have you done so far? Have you tried explaining to them that their concern is appreciated but really not needed in some situations? If you have tried to sit down and talk to them like adults and it did not help then you need to be more firm and point blank tell them that they need to mind their own business and when you need advice on something then you will approach them.
As for your step mom you just need to explain to her that you simply are not comfortable calling her mom at this time and if and when you get to that point, which you may never, you will let her know. My dad was married to my step mom for 10 years before I got to that point. If she keeps pushing you may never get to that point so you may want to explain that to her. Lots of luck to you
K.

I understand! My dad left my mom and remarried the year before our son was born. I don't call her Mom and she is not Grandma either - we just use her first name...

If you can't call your step mom "mom" how about something else, like MA. My mother -in-law was the same way but mom was uncomfortable for me, so I called her ma and she was fine, I think sometimes the other parent just wants to feel included and maybe valued even if your not the best of friends, they are after all stepping into an already made family and can feel like and outsider. 2 of my 7 kids are not biologicaly mine but I have had them since they were extremely young and they have pretty much called me mom from the beginning although I did introduce myself by my name (thier mom is not in the picture and want's it that way her lose my gain).
As to them sticking there nose were they don't belong, my in-law can be the same way (my oldest has a learning disorder ANd my youngest daughter was born with one kidney) and when she butts in I first remind myself that she loves them too and does mean well I listen (sorda) and then do what I want and believe is best for my children., It's a tough spot to be in. If you want to chat more message me,

First, as a child whose parent divorced and one remarried, I had the issue of a step mom and my dad was actually very conscientious about that issue. He insisted that we refer to her by her first name and at first (when we were younger) if we introduced her we should introduce her as our friend. Because to us she was more of a "friend", not a mom. I don't mean a friend, get-away-with-crap type thing.

both your dad and STEPmom should respect your wish not to refer to her as mom. That is completely selfish on her part. Does she and your dad have kids? If not, maybe her issue with being "emotional" is more about not having someone of her one to call her mom, so she's trying to make you the substitute. And that's so not fair to you.

Talk to your dad and tell him your feelings. Not sure what you're referringto when you say "stick their noses in where they don't belong," maybe you can determine if it's being prodded mostly my your stepmom or if dad is just as naturally "nosy." If dad is, remember he's your dad and only wants best for you. And that you shouldn't be afraid to tell him. Thanks but we've actually got that covered.

I have a stepmom also and if you don't feel comfy calling her mom, then don't. I call my stepmom mom, but not in front of my mom mom. If that makes sense. But I love my stpmom dearly and she has been in my life since I was about 5/6. Early on before her and my dad even got married I called her mom (I was about 8/9) and accidentally did it in front of my mom when we were in a parking lot (met my mom there so I could go with her) and she was furious. I didn't call stpmom mom again after that for a very LONG time, but I do now. She is just as important to me as my mom. Sorry for the ramble, but I think it is important that YOU feel comfy with what you are calling her and if mom isn't comfy, don't say it. I know not everyone is fortunate to have a stepmom like I do and I am grateful that I got the one I did. :O)
As far as the sticking the noses where they don't belong. My personal advice would be to talk to your dad and TRY to politely tell him that he (and her) need to butt-out. I don't know how old you are, but I am guessing that since you have a 7 yr old, that you are over 18. So I would tell you dad that you are an adult and you will do things how you feel they should be done and if they don't always agree with that, they should keep their opinions to themselves. I (once) had to actually kick my mom (not stp mom) out of my house because she was being disrespectful to me and was critizing my house and how I was raising my son, so I told her she needed to leave and if she was going to continue to do so, that she shouldn't come visit our home again. (That was 8 yrs ago and she still critizes and I have since moved, but she only came back to that house once after that) and she doesn't come to my house very often - parties/family get togethers is all and other people are around, so she doesn't say anything rude at those times).
Again sorry for the rambling, but unless you live in their home, I would tell them you run your house as YOU see fit and what you do under your own roof is YOUR business and YOUR choice. They can't control what you do in your own home and if they don't like it they don't have to visit. Kind of like the saying "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" I would also explain to your dad, while you like stp mom, you aren't comfy calling her mom and that you won't.

I know I am in kind of the opposite position as you are, but please feel free to send me a message if you need/want to vent or just talk to someone about it all. I feel for you!

I wish you the best of luck!
Prayers and hugs! K.

C.,

I really don't know what to say except stick up for yourself. I am a step daughter of a wonderful step father (I call him Dad--but it took 23 years to get to that point!) My similar situation is with my mother-in-law. I FINALLY after 9 years of marriage had it out with my mother-in-law who kept trying to take over my house, my kids, my laundry, special occasions, etc. I told her I had to be honest if we are ever to have a good relationship. It has been 5 months since I finally told her to back off with words she would understand (9 years of being subtle did not work) and it is a struggle. She is very hurt and I still don't think she understands my point of view. She thinks she is "helping" and I feel that she is "taking over" and showing me what I am doing wrong and how she can do it better. Oftentimes mothers-in-law and step mothers try to force more on a relationship than the daughters-in-law/step daughters are ready for. I think we need to explain that it takes us a long time to grow into the type of realtionship that they want. It takes time, simple as that. We will not accept "mothering" from just anyone, especially when we are grown and mothers ourselves. Good luck!

I think that MOM is such a special word and if you are not comfortable calling her that then don't. Sorry if this hurts your feeling, but I would rather just call you by name. Maybe in time you will feel like calling her MOM. If not that is your choice. That is just something that she will have to deal with. If she can't accept it then talk to your dad and tell him how this makes you feel, maybe he can help!

My father got remarried when I was in JR. High. Our start was a little bumpy. It took about a year before we got past it all. Since then it has been like I have 2 moms. I have never called her Mom. I call her by her name and we are just as close as any mother and daughter can be I think. What you call your step parent should not matter. So if you don't feel comfortable calling her Mom then don't. It should be your relationship that matters. Good Luck!!

You shouldn't have to call ANYONE mom, if they are not your mother. I would simply say, "While I love you dearly and am very happy you make my father happy, I prefer to call you "whatever her name is". I hope this is not a problem for you..." and see what her reaction is.

My friend has the same problem with her father and step mom. They don't like their house, their cars or their dog! She basically lets them say what they want but lives her own life. My mom loves to stick her nose in but I let her and then do what I want. Sometimes she tried that tearful "ok" answer if I choose to do something without her but I have learned that I have my own family and my own life. If your not comfortable calling her mom then you shouldn't have to and she needs to know that you just aren't ready for that. Especially depending on how old you are. You may never call her mom. Be honest with her but you don't need to spend a half hour explainging it to her but you do need to understand that she may get upset...AND that is OK!

Hi, C.. I AM a step-parent myself. There is NO REASON for her to expect you to call her mom unless YOU make that decision for yourself. I don't encourage our girls to do that at all...since I'm NOT their mom & am not trying to replace her! It's absolutely RIDICULOUS for a grown woman to expect you to do that. My girls' parents split up when they were 2 & 6, their step-father has FROM THE START insisted they call him daddy. They refused at 1st & he actually IGNORED them if they did not call him that. I'm not sure exactly what other issues you're having with your step-mom & dad, but it sounds like just from her issues with the "mom" thing....she's not very mature & is beig selfish! Don't do it unless you want to. Also, if you don't want their advice or assistance raising your sun, just tell them that you're the mom & you'll do the best you can on your own.

Good Luck!

Is it worth is to cause waves? Is your own mom still alive and part of your life? If she is, or isn't(recently) she should give you the time you need to get use to her. She shouldn't expect for you to accept her as your mom. That's your decision. Good Luck!!! Oh, what does your father think?