Need Advice on How to Get Through This with My Family!

I come from a blended family and yes it takes time, a lot of time. My mom and step dad have been married 11 years and now I finally have a relationship with my step dad and I love him but it took a long time. Definatly sounds like you all need some counseling though. Good Luck!

I agree with the counseling. We are a blended family. I have a 12 yr old son and my hubby has a 13 yr old son and an 11 yr old daughter. Although his kids are involved in them, my hubby, myself and my son have started counseling. It is a bit differnt as my hubby has adopted my son, but they still don't get along very well. They butt heads more often than not and hardly ever talk about things. Except cars, model cars, things like that. Maybe you could try to *throw* them together in an activity that they all enjoy?? Its at least an idea......

I can't offer much advise, except try counseling. I know I had a hard time with that myself. I didn't want to *have* to do family counseling. But in just the two sessions we've had, we've gotten ideas of ways we can all change and ideas of how my hubby and my son can have a better relationship. Sometimes I think my hubby also forgets that HE is the adult in the relationship and needs to put forth more effort than my son. I think guys are just like that.

Side note: My hubby and I have been married a little over two years and have been together for a little over 7 years.
I think they got along better when my son was littler and didn't have so much of an attitude. He's twelve going on 20 (or at least his attitude is anyway)

Best wishes and God Bless!!
K.

My husband and I used to have similar "bow-ups". We found that we just didn't know how to communicate with each other. Try a counselor even if it is only you that goes. We did and things are much better. I started going alone because he wouldn't go with. He started going when I wouldn't tell him what we talked about there. If he wanted to know what I said privately to my counselor, he needed to go with.

Wow, I can totally relate to you on this one! I am married to a wonderful man and we have a gorgeous little boy together, and I have an 8 year old daughter from a previous marriage. She sees her dad frequently and is always different when she comes back from his home. Well, the other day at dinner my hubby comes home after we are already at the table and kisses me and my son on the head then sits down with just saying hello to my daughter! I didnt say anything at the time, but man I was angry! And my daughter had definitely noticed too and looked pretty hurt. Later when I asked him what the hell that was about, he said he didnt even realise that he did it! Anyway, my point is I know how you feel! But, some men are intimidated by children not their own and seeing as men are a little like kids themselves it doesnt surprise me that your hubby reacted the way he did when he said that maybe they arent trying either. I agree with you that your kids have to come first and he is the adult and should be trying harder to get along with them and develop a better relationship, but also, from experience, I know that men dont ever do what we want them to do! I would try arranging some way that he HAS to spend time alone with them then they will eventually start getting to know each other better. My hubby takes my daughter to school every morning and even though they dont have a warm and snuggly relationship they do seem to like and respect each other better than at the beginning anyway. But, it also sounds to me that may be something else bothering your hubby and he could be using your kids as an excuse not to deal with it... try getting him alone and in a talkative mood and gently pull it out of him! Sometimes you get more flies with honey if you know what I mean! He may just be feeling a little overwhelmed with you and the kids and work etc and men dont handle these things in the best way and anger and sarcasm may be the only way he feels in control. Try giving him some space and don't make him feel bad about not being the perfect stepdad and if you give him the opportunity to get to know your kids on his own terms maybe he will get better at it. I don't nag my hubby nearly as much as I used to and things seem to be better, but I know that my daughters and his relationship will never be perfect, but I also know he cares deeply for her but he just finds it hard to show it.
Good luck with this, I hope you get to a place where you can all be happy together, just realize that it may never be the Brady Bunch but you can still all be happy together!

1 - Ask him what's going wrong in his life and listen.
2 - Marriage counseling ASAP for the two of you
3 - Family counseling - maybe after 3-4 marriage counseling sessions. I suggest waiting so that the two you get on the same page before you start counseling together with your kids.

You've got to take IMMEDIATE action for your children's sake. A lot of people just get divorced and move on and ignore the havoc it wreaks on kids! Trust me, as a child who suffered through 3 divorces and 4 marriages before I was 14...you don't want to get divorced again and you really need your husband to get his act together and act like an adult. He married you and your kids, not just you! He needs to make the effort, the kids don't.

Good luck.

The only thing I would say is seek help from a marriage/family counsler. While this may not seem like a course of action that you want to take, you are on a very slippery slope when it comes to the well being of not only your children, but your marriage and as much as I love this site as a resource, I think that this is a problem that you need to address with a professinal. While it might be easier for everyone to let it blow over, no one is this family is going to be happy until it's resolved and I don't think that this is something that can be resolved on your own. You can't force your husband to show affection towards your boys if he doesn't know how or isn't capable to. He may love them as much as his own, but if he doesn't know how to convey those feelings then it doesn't do anyone any good. Of course this might be my psychology education coming through, but I think that when it comes to issues with marriage and step children it's best to consult with someone who is specially trained in that field to find the best solution. Even if you go on your own you might find that you learn tools to cope with the situation as well as different information to take home to your husband that validates him as a father (I am assuming that he is a good father to his own children) and lets him konw that not only is he a good father, but is a good step father and can use this information to inhance his relationship with you and his step children. Hope this helps.

I have not been in a situation like yours with a blended family, however I do know that sometimes guys just dont show emotions. You didnt say if he treats his own kids differently then your kids, and if so that is a different
story. My dad is the bestest dad in the whole world, yet I know he has never told me he loved me, he does say me too when I say it, he never gives me hugs first, he has never said me about my day and so on. He showed me he loves me in other ways. He made sure he went to all our games and concerts. He made sure to support us in whatever things interested us. And he would get us little gifts that seemed meaningless at the time. Try to find somethings that your sons and he have in common and work from there.

However, your husband sounds depressed. He wont admit it if you ask him, but that statement he said pretty much says it all. You should try to get everyone into some kind of counseling, if not for the family, then for his sake. He doesnt need to know that you are doing it because he is depressed. Depression is a hard thing to deal with and most people dont want to admit they are because of all the hype that is associated with it. I get depressed myself and I finally, after years of being afraid of it, admitted I needed help. It took a while and I am glad I finally did so. I hope this helps. Good Luck!

J., forming a loving step family takes decades, not just a few years. Please give it time. Love will develop and grow, but it takes a very long time. It cannot be forced. It must come naturally. In my opinion (having grown up with a step father and now having a very loving relationship with my him), you can encourage love to grow by loving your husband and your children(all of them). Show by example and spread love within your family. It will take hold. But don't expect anything overnight. It takes a lot longer than you would imagine it should.

sometimes when guys work all day they need that unwind time/decompression from a busy/stressful day. Do remember that guys are not chatty like women are. Sometimes guys do better with kids when they ask him a direct question or when it comes to physical activities.

Yes, you may be upset about something, but it's very difficult for guys when we run off and to call a friend. it's like advertising to the world that they did something wrong. If he's not quick to temper, then that should be a cue that something else may be bothering him. As we women are emotionally triggered creatures it's easy for us to get upset and snowball, but if we can step back and say somthing like "I know you've had a rough day, I can listen if you like." then walk away and let them have time to decide their plan. Easier said than done sometimes.

Try creating some activities, like him taking the kids to the movies, or as simple as interacting with them on chores. Blended families are not easy, and the kids need to understand too that it's baby steps. Take one day at a time.

something a friend did was create a journal, and each night each person had to go around and say 5 things they were thankful for and 3 things that irritated them today. It's sometimes very easy to think of negative things, but harder to do positive. It's interesting because when you go back and look at what you done after a while it can give you a bit more perspective.

Iknow what I would do, but I have some counseling back ground and that helps a little. Try to find out what is bothering him, it sounds like it's more than just the kids. How is his job?? How are other things in his/your lives?? He sounds like he is feeling insignificant and needs some ego boosting right now. He has to love himself before he can love his or your kids. Maybe try counseling. I know most men are adverse to that, but you can ask him when you get some alone time, ask him what is bothering him, ask him what you can do to help the situation with him internally. If he says back off, then ask him to explain more specifically what he needs from you. Good luck to you!and God Bless.

do you know anything about his childhood and how his father was with him?....many men (especially men from the generations who raided the adults of today!!) are/were distant from their kids and the boys grow up with that for a role model....perhaps he just plain doesn't know how to be the kind of father you want him to be....when things calm down, try to engage him in conversations about his childhood and memories he has of times with his father etc....not seeking to draw compparisons with him and the kids...not even connecting the issues...perhaps you could start with a story from your own childhood....not even mentioning parenting etc....do this when you have plenty of relaxed time to chat...you may find out some interesting things you didn't know about your husband!!....and understanding is the key to resolving issues and expectations....

D.