Blended Family Issues

Hi M.- I just wanted to let you know that when my husband and I got together (dating) my son was 5 and my daughter was 3 1/2. My husband and I have been together for 12 years now (10 years engaged and almost 2 years married) and my kids have formed a bond with my husband. My husband will tell you that he fell in love with my kids first before me. My suggestion to you is hang in there don't give up. It will work!!! I know my son and my husband enjoy fishing together (just them) and they have went to ballgames together (Nebraska) and they even have played softball together as well as my husband coaching for my sons team. Bonding time for them two should just involve those two. I know that the time they spend together will become quality time and they will both find out what they have in common.
I hope this works for you, I know that it did for my son and husband and even my daughter...(my husband and daughter do this as well). Good Luck

It has to start with your husband, have you sat him down and told him just how the friction in the house makes you feel, we are a blended family, but I am the step parent at least under the law. My husband wasn't involved in our oldest 2's lives until they were 5 and 6 (seperated he had more kids) so although he was our oldest bio dad they didn't really see it that way, I to always felt like I was running interference, between him and our oldest and even our second child, there was some favoritism w/ the 2 he had always been there for. I can say that it actually took a huge blow up between him and I before he actually got how bad it made me feel and how bad our other 2 felt. And just how serious I was about the treatment of our oldest, I am thier mother and it is my job to protect them at all cost, we have other children who are younger know I if I was still in the old situation I would do it all over again. I am not saying have a huge fight with your husband and I really don't have any concrete answers, but it is what worked for me. I won't say there still aren't issues but at least know my husband who is the adult is trying. It is his job to make the effort.

The best to deal with this get time NOT at the time of a problem to talk with hubby. He may not realize this or he feels the the same in reverse. But this tells me you and your hubby are not a united front because kids will pit mom and dad against each other and that has nothing the do with blended family that is kids.

You can't force them to bond. But try to get your husband to do things just with him..take him fishing, or soemthign "guy" thing. Eventually their relationship will form.

I am a mom of two boys ages 15 and 11 and a wife to husband of 16 years. It bothered me to read that you have to defend and protect your first son from the other two. Do you not trust them and if you don't trust them why are you still there...? I think more likely your first son knows that you are protective of him and uses this knowledge to get what he wants from the situations he finds himself in. The only reason that I suggest this is because my "first" son did this to my husband and I. We are his natural parents and it still worked. It took us until he was about 12 and we were in counseling to prevent divorce that we realized what control our children had over us. We are much happier and balanced as a family now that we quit taking the childrens side against each other and I would suggest you do the same. It won't be easy, you have conditioned the behavior and I remember thinking "I am not cut out to be a mom, this is too hard," but I can tell you it was worth it and the sooner the better before you have the teenage thing on top of it all!! Best of luck to you,

Michelle

First, you must stop with the labels, and i mean that in a loving way. They are brothers and that is going to be his dad. By calling them half brothers and step dad, makes a child feel like they do not belong. Just a suggestion.
Also, siblings fight, and sometimes, and this is what I find it hard to do myself, is that you must stay out of their fights, unless there is blood and bodily harm being done. They must be left alone to work things out themselves. I was told this by a therapist, because if you are always stopping these fights, someone will be lefted feeling hurt. They will never learn to get along. It sounds like you side with "your" son. Sorry if this seems harsh. Remember that they are all your children. Do not take sides. Children pick up on your feelings right away. Are you verbally questioning your husband about this bond that you want him to feel? Just think aoout this. Relax and enjoy being a family. :)

wow, do I understand your problems there because I had that happen in my marriage as well. Exactly the same thing. I have been seperated from my husband for almost two years now, and we fought over my older son ALL the time. I know that it is something that we should have had counsel over from the beginning. I never felt like my husband loved my first son as much as second (our child together), and my oldest son was the one that really needed his love and guidance....because of his age...and he is the only father he has known...since he was one years old. My little guy is now 5, and the oldest is 15. I would say that if your husband will get some counsel with you over it, that would be a great start! Good luck, but dont let things just go...it doesnt get better when they get into the teen years. Hopefully this wasnt too negative! I wish I had a better out come in my situation!

Knowing what little I do, I'd venture dad needs to handle this one. He signed on to being your son's father when he married you, he needs to take on the responsibility and BE father. But here's the hard part. You have to LET him be the father. With you protecting your first son all the time, dad probably feels ganged up on. Maybe even disrespected. If the two of you don't agree on things like discipline there will always be tension. Talk with your husband about it, fight about it if you have to, but in the end support your husband. Let him be the man of the house so he actually has the chance to step up and come through.

Blended families is a task in itself, M..
1. if you can find a good counselor, this is the step number one.
There is a counselor in school also, I believe, maybe you could start from there.
2. counseling for the WHOLE family is needed, not only you, or your son, but for the dad, and his 'own' son as well.
3. there was a discussion about it,
http://www.mamasource.com/request/4223906723137585153
but it was about the girl and the step-dad. still, may be of some use for you to look through the answers (I said some there as well).
4. there is a lot of pressure on you, mostly, as you are in-betweens, trying to make it all work, loving your 'own', and your husband, and caring about his 'own'. As long as your husband does not understand the problem, it is the hardest time. Once he will understand his role and role in all of your wellbeing, it will all become much easier. If it won't be hard to get him to see the family counselor, it will be of a great help. If he thinks it is unnecessary, then maybe school counselor could invite him to talk, for the starter.
The thing is, he needs to understand that nothing is really bad, and it is not a disaster or HIS FAULT. He needs to understand, that it is a regular problem in situations with blended families. It is matching different characters with totally different backgrounds and upbringing, with not very much common experience, and matching it all into one great family. there needs to be A LOT of love, caring, understanding, willingness to work CONSCIOUSLY on relationships; much more of such a WORK than in a regular family, where changes did not occur... It is WORK< conscious and sometimes hard work.
there are so many issues in it, and so much involved from the past, that you really need a professional, a specialist, to help you all figure out how to make life good.
Please, be strong, and loving, and hang on there!!!!
Good luck for you

I married my husband a year and a half ago, but we have been together for four and half years. When we got together he came into the relationship with two girls and one boy and I had one girl one boy. My daughter is the oldest out of all the children and was used to being basically the only child for a really long time and having me all to herself since I have been a single mother most of her life(she is now 14. Her going from just me and her little brother to three other siblings and a step-dad was a little hard for her to get used to. Our family has always had a constant struggle between the stepparent and the children, on both ends. It actually almost cost us our marriage up until we decided to get some education about our conflicts. I have found some books to be very helpful; Strengthening your Step-family and Step-by-step-parenting. There is also a website called Steptogether.org I have found these to be very helpful and insightful. These books have helped me not only help myself and my feelings, but also understand my husband and my children and step-children and little bit better.

Hello. I can understand your situation. I have a seven year old daughter and a one month old son. My daughter's father passed away a few years ago. My son's father and I live together, although we are not married. Just as in your situation, my boyfriend and my daughter have not really bonded the way I hoped for them too. My daughter refuses to accept him as a father figure and my boyfriend, being previously in the army, treats her like a soldier under his command. I have to reason with my daughter that she must be patient with him since he is still new at being a parent. Then I have to reason with my boyfriend that he is dealing with a seven year old, not a grown man in the army. What I have done to improve their relationship is force them to spend time together, ALONE. I made my daughter go on hunting with my boyfriend and I made my boyfriend play playstation with my daughter. It has helped quite a bit. Another thing that has helped is I started make all of us have a family night together where we watch a movie or play a game, just something as a family. It has helped both of them realize that we are a family and they are just going to have to accept it. We still have a long way to go, but I do see some improvement. Good luck to you on your situation. :)