Need Advice on 19Yrs Daughter

I'd bring her over to the Greyhound station so she can buy her tickets and get the schedules. Make her pay for them. If she doesn't have a job/money to pay, make her earn the $ from you by doing special projects around the house.

She's 19.

She's an adult.

She got herself into this mess.

Let her figure out how she's going to turn in proof of her community service hours and if she can't, let her feel the consequence of being irresponsible.

Kudos to you for not having plans to take her. Because, if you do then you only teach her that she can rely on you to get her out of her pinches.

Although upsetting, this is one of those situations (I believe) that if she fails the 'pain' will hurt but it won't be devastating. If she doesn't turn in the hours and she receives a consequence it will suck and hopefully she'll not want to repeat her actions. Better to feel the 'pain' from a smaller incident than say, drinking and driving and hurting herself or another person.

Good luck to you!

This will be a hard lesson for her.

Tell her she got into this mess on her own, she now needs to handle it on her own.
Do not pay for any thing, do not go out of your way yo assist.
You did the right thing telling her to figure it out.

I support your decision to allow her to be the adult she is.This is the best way for her to learn there are consequences to her decisions and behaviors and you are not responsible for her anymore.

I am sending you strength.

No not help her! She made the mess let her do her time. If she waits it will be her problem. I agree with you and I have to stress she is your daughter and I am sure your heart is breaking but she is over 18 and has no business drinking! I agree she got a slap on the wrist and didn't learn anything especially when she asked you to help her with her volunteer time.

Mom, take a step back and let her deal with this.

I agree with the others. I think it is the right choice not to take her. She is an adult now and she will have to learn how to deal with the consequences of her behaviors. It's part of growing up. Teenagers are going to drink. This consequence will stick with her though if she has to work through it herself.

As for her going to school 6 hours away so that she can be on her own, who is paying for that? When my younger brother was getting into trouble at his school (2 hours away) my parents told him they would stop paying for him to go there if he didn't straighten his act out. They said if he wanted to be an adult and live on his own but be reckless and irresponsible then they would not support it and he would either need to find a school closer to home or find a way to pay for it himself. Well he turned it around and didn't get into trouble anymore and graduated from that school.

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Dear Mama,

Bus or train ticket (wouldn't want her to hitchhike)

If you are supporting you daughter, you have the right to know what she’s up to. Tell your daughter if she chooses to deceive her parents gets caught and then wants your help it might not happen when she waits til the last minute.

She probably thinks since she is over 18 she’s an adult and has the right to “privacy”. Responsible, self-supporting adults do have the right to privacy. Obviously, your young adult has some growing up to do.

Blessings.....

Looks like you're getting a lot of support! Good! I am the mother of three daughters, the oldest is 20, and she has been a handful since the beginning, so I can imagine what you must be feeling like right now.

In my situation, she has a physical disability resulting from a simple tonsillectomy/adenoidectomy when she was 12, has had a resulting terrible headache for the past 8 years since then, and that has developed into some verifiable mental health disorders. She regularly tries to blackmail me emotionally, which I probably enabled, since of course, with the legitimate stuff going on it's not all her fault that she isn't making the best decisions. And yet....she IS an adult, and she DOES need to be responsible for how she behaves.

In your case, I hope your daughter is not trying to in some way blame you or treat you badly when you voice your concerns about her. Drinking is a difficult one for college students, since a large number of them do it and they are usually in social situations where it is expected. But the minute it becomes a legal problem, it is a "drinking problem"--regardless of whether there is a dependency issue or not--and she needs to be held responsible.

I completely agree with the other moms here who are letting you know you are absolutely right to refuse to drive her to Elizabeth City for her court date. Either have her buy her own bus ticket or have her earn the money from you--call it additional "community service" hours if you want. And make sure THIS community service actually has something to do with drinking. It could be having her help out at a homeless center or someplace where there is a high level of problems related to alcoholism. (I am not saying all homeless people are alcoholic--I have worked in a crisis center where we have a homeless program and many don't drink. But it is often a factor, and she will definitely see the results in a homeless program.)

She's got two issues with you: 1) She tells you things like this at the last minute, probably avoiding the uncomfortable stuff until she can't wait any longer. 2) She is acting in illegal ways that, even worse, could be potentially harmful to her.

You've got to set loving, reasonable boundaries--just like when she was a child--while also letting her know that you are concerned for her well being and you want to have a trusting relationship with her. I would suggest having a heart to heart with her where you share your fears, maybe tell her some of the mistakes you made at her age (we all did SOMETHING), and make sure you tell her you will always love and be there for her, even if she has something uncomfortable to tell you--though you may not always give her the easy way out.

I agree that you would do well to back off and let her deal with her own mistakes. She's 19, and if you keep pushing her to face her own mistakes, you're doing too much of the work. She needs to find out what happens when she screws up and then screws up the consequence as well.

Good luck to you both. This is not an easy one. But give her the space to take care of her own issues.

I sense that you are a 'controlling mama' (as I am, so I can talk! LOL) MAKE HER ACCOUNTABLE! We do not 'help' our children by enabling them to remain irresponsible. I really don't think you should have provided her the means to do her community service, but that's already in process. Young people naturally feel that they have the world by the tail. Well, let them hang onto that tail until it spins them into reality, and let them take their consequences and LEARN from the experience(s)! We often keep our kids from 'learning their lessons' by catching them every time they start to fall. Natural consequences are wonderful teaching tools if we'll let them run their course!

P.S. I just went back and read all your responses. Did you notice that EVERYONE says the same thing! Stick to your guns, and you'll have a responsible, thoughtful daughter. Keep 'helping', and she'll always be a 'user' and a 'taker'. (My kids are 33, 30, 24 and 21, so I know whereof I speak!)

Leave it up to her to find a way there. Better she learn at 19 to take care of things herself that 29!
If she's old enough to live independently 6 hours away then she's old enough to figure this O. out by herself!

I think you got good advice about it being time she matured-up... I'm not disagreeing with it. However, I thought I'd offer a different perspective:

It sounds like your relationship with her is in disrepair. My question for you to consider is how long do you want her to be distant and "out on a limb" from you? You can either see the car ride (with both of you together) as a rebuilding & bonding opportunity or you can view it as a chance for her to poo-poo her responsibilities. However, from a 19 yo's perspective, I would surmise that she sees this as asking you for help and should you take her to the bus station, it may distance her from you for the next several years.

I personally would want my child (at any age) to trust me enough to confide in me about any problems she has... legal citations, medical concerns, sex questions, pregnancy and STDs, jealous boyfriends & abusive relationships, alcohol & drug use... It doesn't sound like she perceives a foundation to come to you and trust you to support her with these types of issues. I think that is a potential problem as she becomes a young adult woman.... Because, seriously, most of my poor decisions in my twenties could have been averted had I asked my parents for advice--or trusted them enough to ask them for advice.

Good luck.

I am not a parent of a teenager but of a toddler, but I literally"parented" my mother who drank and drove:( and was almost killed in a car accident where the driver was stoned. In any event, I think you are an awesome mom for not coddling her and encouraging her to learn a lesson. Drinking and driving is dangerous. I think you are right not to drive her to Elizabeth City. If she needs to turn in the hours, let her take a bus there and back...Not fun, but she can think a great deal on the way.
In any event, you sound great.

Bus tickets are cheap: and the ride is long/ tedius/ & uncomfortable.

It sounds like two are in her future.

I think you gave the correct answer. She can certainly have a friend drive her there and back as long as she pays for gas money. If she feels she's old enough to move away to go to school then she's old enough to figure it out for herself.

My youngest daughter is a very last minute type of person. She packs her schedule with stuff and when something runs longer or takes longer she's behind on everything else. I'm hopeful she'll outgrow it but I think it may be her nature. Drives me NUTS!!!!