Need Advice - I Think I'm Playing Favorites...

I have the same problem with my middle child. I feel so disattached to him but I have tried to do things to make it better but I think its just his personality. I thought I was showing favorites. So I made a leader of the week and whoevers week it is goes with me to the store or where ever I go and they get to help pick out the meals. When you take kids that are a "problem" in the stores, it helps if you make them a part of the shopping experience.

Oh honey, I had this same experience with my oldest when she was the same age as your son. It's definitely because he's 2! I was just not able to enjoy being with her, and I felt so guilty that I preferred playing with and being around the baby. I had an epiphany when I was introduced to "Parenting with Love and Logic" by Jim Fay and Foster Cline. http://www.loveandlogic.com/ It's also on Amazon.com

Reading the book was great, but personal training really sealed the deal for us. I found a family counselor who is trained to teach love and logic to parents. She's also a parent herself, so she has some "battlefield" experience. I actually organized a small class for parents at our church. It has really given me the tools necessary to enjoy my child again.

I got the book and started trying to use the philosophy of giving choices and we had fewer battles, but I was still having these moments of rage and being fed-up and running-from-the-house-screaming when my husband came home from work, etc. After the class, and working with the counselor separately on some specific problems, our lives are sooooo different.

Parenting is a skill just like any other skill that we need to seek training on. It took getting to this point with my daughter to realize that. I mean, you have probably had some degree of training on how to use a computer...why not take a class on how to operate your kid?!

You have to remember that a 2-3 yr old is struggling with independence and desires your full attention. That is likely heightened for a middle child -- big sis gets to do everything for herself and the baby is getting all the cuddle time.
While you're waiting for Amazon to ship your book, try to pre-empt the explosions by giving him a little control over appropriate areas of his life. Let him choose his own cup and plate and fork, let him get them himself if he can. Let him pour his own milk in his cereal (We would pour it in my daughter's cup and then she'd add it to her cereal), give him the choice of 'do you want to take a nap now or in 3 minutes? "You may eat nicely or go to your room." etc., etc.
Also, a very important thing to have is empathy. When dinner time becomes a battlefield and your son has to leave the table, get dramatic (without sounding insincere) and say, "This is really sad. I know you would like to be with your family, and I really like it when we're all together, but it looks like you need to spend time in your room."

I still have the counselor's number if you want to call her. She is an independent counselor and does in-home training, but she's also affiliated with Cumberland Presbyterian Children's Home in Denton (www.cpch.org). They actually have several instructors who can offer Love and Logic classes on their campus as well. It's the philosophy they use with the children who live there, so they are experts at it -- their residents are from toddlers up through high school. There aren't many situations that they haven't seen and worked through successfully!

You actually need to make the effort to just spend time with him. Make time that you take him places or that he gets a feeling that he is special. He is more than likely acting out because there is a new member in the family. And, not only is it a new member, but it's a boy. You have made the effort to make individual time for your other children, he needs just as much of an effort.

He isn't making himself the middle child, you are. The only way he has found to get the attention from you is to act out... even negative attention is better than no attention, especially in the terrible twos. Think how much he has had to give up in this past 8 months and walk in his little shoes. You would probably be acting out too.

Love all your kids and all of their personalities. They need you!

I hope this helps! I admire your strength in having little ones so close in age. It will work out, and you will be just fine.

Good luck!
Jodi

My son turned 3 a few months after his brother was born. Let me tell you - those first months with the new baby were HORRIBLE. My oldest child would have meltdown after meltdown. It took me a while to realize that he just missed his mommy - and that he was also dealing with the normal things that come with being 2-3 years old - learning independance, potty training, etc.

I would suggest that instead of taking the other two to the store, just take your 'middle' child instead. Find time that you can spend with him. Kids are learning so much at that age. Find something (ask him) that he likes to do and then really make time for you to do it with him - without the other kids. You will remember the things that you love about him - and he will get the love and attention that he is obviously asking for.

I asked my older one what he wanted to do that would just be me and mommy. That 'baby' brother wouldn't get to do with us. His answer was simple. "Let's go on a bike ride" So now, that's what we do. Just me and him. It's OUR time. He is doing something that he loves and I get to see him happy and I remember that he is an awesome kid!!

Another thing that has worked for us in regards to tantrums: Whenever my son is on the verge of a break down, I hold both of his hands in front of him and very softly and slowly I start counting to ten, taking a deep breath between each number. He will usually just listen, then he will start breathing with me, and then counting with me. This helps him calm down so that we can talk about what's frustrating him without being angry.

Good luck!

Why would you want all of your children to have the same personality? That would be boring. It seems (and I'm not trying to be mean at all) that you are trying to mold your son into a certain personality that is completely different than his. He is probably acting out in order for you to realize that it's not going to happen.

My son for some reason (or when I'm getting on to him) doesn't like me, but I don't stop loving him because of it. You can't expect him to change himself...that's not fair to him. You're stifling him by trying to change him. I'm not saying that unacceptable behavior is ok.

Also, teenage girls are a breed in their own. They'll turn on you like a pack of wild dogs. So she will probably have a personality change when she gets older. Boys on the other hand aren't as bad. So maybe the situation will change when they are teenagers.

Don't feel bad...we all have thoughts like this, but don't let it overwhelm you. :)

Hi A. I am T. aka Momma T I have 6 childern 4girls and 2boys oldest and youngest being the boys. I would first like you to think about your almost 3years old postion right now your daughter has school your 8month old son has you for the most part right now because he needs you more now. Where does that leave your will say 3year old.He used to be the baby and now he is kinda stuck in limbo as the middle child and it sounds to me like he feels you distance your self from him and he does things to be seen. Beleave me when when I say its not easy to deal with these ages toghter and I sertanly am not trying to make you feel bad and i dont beleave mean to leave him out or distance your self if you did you wouldnt be asking for help. So that saiad put your self in his shoes you have talked to him about what he is doing and you know you can talk till your blue in the face at 2 they test us to see how much they can realy do and at 3 they will test even more its not realy hard to fix you just need to help him to find his self and where he belongs in the family give him acertain responceablity some thing suited for his age like helping you with the baby let him pick out the babys clothes for the day but put it in the way that he thinks he is helping you.You can allso look for a day care that has a moms day out program and use it as 3year old preschool 1 or two days a week this will give him something to be proud of and hopefully take him away fron the fits and bad behaveyour, well I am sorry if i sounded harsh at first and i hope this helps. MOMMA T

It's completely normal for children of this age to have tantrums, but I'm sure that doesn't make things easier. It also could be that he's throwing tantrums to get attention. Even though it may be difficult, I would still include him in outings. Don't worry...he will grow out of this stage.

I think all parents that have children with drastically different personalities have felt this at some point, but it sounds like some help would be benefitial since it has manifested into something greater than a "fleeting feeling".

I agree. Either take all 3 or take none to the store. Any difference you make in your children will not only affect him, but your other two children as well (even if you can't see it now.)

My personal opinion is that you are getting a taste of who boys are. I had no brothers, so I was ignorant to all this as well. I bought the video series "Bringing Up Boys" and it has helped understand the boys (and men) in my life. If you would like to borrow them, you are welcome to.

Good luck! Liz

My son is almost 2 1/2 and he is a strong willed kid. It is completely understandable to have that feeling because you don't want to frustrate yourself when they are acting the way they are. There is nothing wrong with that. Just a matter of trying to curve this behavior.

What I do to stop the whining, kicking, throwing, is either the TIME OUT chair, corner, where ever or tell him to cry in his room and come out only when he is calm. I will physically Walk him to his room if he doesn't go.
Then, when he is calm I give him more attention so that it shows that when he is not crying and throwing things or having a tantrum, he will have my "positive" attention.
Does this make sense.
As for the store, take turns taking kids. When he does well and behaves a trip with mommy to the store is wonderful. Especially, if he hardly goes now.
Hope this helps. ____@____.com

Hi A.,
Just the fact the you are concerned about it and seeking advice about this subject speaks volumes about you as a person so I wouldn't be too worried. Your middle child is just a little monster right now,but he'll grow out of it. :)
In a few years, your sweet 6 yr old daughter will not be so sweet so you'll be favoring your 2 boys. Its natural to be attracted to that which seems easiest and I dont blame you for wanting to leave the "difficult" child at home when you need to run a quick errand. Its not so different than me opting against taking my 8 mo old on an errand with me when he seems extremely irritable.
The only problem is that when you leave your middle child, and take the other 2, he sees it as a rejection and will act out.
Instead, you must just leave all 3...otherwise,take all 3.
They call it the terrible 2's for a reason so be patient and work with him. He needs love and attention too even if his tantrums are frustrating. He obviously has an aggressive personality. When he's 25 yrs old and going after what he wants, you will appreciate it,however now at only 2, it doesnt seem all that charming. :)
If you make him feel left our or less loved than the other 2, he will certainly develop middle child syndrome so try REAL hard to include him in everything. If his tantrums are just toomuch to deal with, then be sure to pull back a little with the other 2 children so that everyone is treated equal. He should be growing out of it pretty soon here though so be patient! :)