Middle Child Syndrome. - Santa Ana,CA

Why doesn't she get the same attention as the other two?

Ignore the tantrums, and give her more attention, because she needs it. Let the school institute their consequences. I'm sure they have ways of dealing with it.

First, you do not have a middle child. She did not have a period of time during which she was the youngest. She is the youngest along with her sister.

I suggest that she has a very different personality than her sister and that personality doesn't match with the rest of the family. Because of personality differences she isn't fitting in. Perhaps you don't know how to help her fit in.

It is also possible that she needs some help with developmental delays. It's possible that she's acting out in school because she's having difficulty learning. What does her teacher and the school counselor suggest?

I would consult with a child psychologist, perhaps a developmental pediatrician to determine the cause of her difficulty.

It is difficult to give positive attention to an insecure, angry child. Parenting her requires different skills than parenting the one easy to love. I suggest you do some reading of different ways to parent and/or take a couple of parenting classes. You could also be helped by working with a counselor who specializes in working with children.

I highly recommend Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So KidsWill Talk by Faber and Mazlish.

http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081...

In all honestly you don't have a true middle child so her outburst and tantrums are stemming from something else, not being a middle child. I agree with the posts below. Give her more attention. Just because she isn't as vibrant as the rest of the family doesn't mean she should be ignored. Find out what she is interested in and get involved. If she loves books take her, by herself, to the bookstore. I don't have twins but my sister does and she has made a true effort to build relationships based on each of their personalities as they are very different. Plus, she is only four . . . she is still young and learning about the world, her limits and how to get what she needs and wants from those around her. Set limits and consequences for her bahavior just as you would with the other two kids and stay consistent with everyone in the family so no favortism is shown.

It's very difficult to have three children so close in age. Each one needs special time with their parents. My husband and I had a deal where he slept in late on Saturday morning while I took one child to the park. I went work afterward at a clinic and he had the rest of the day with the children. On Sunday evening he went to the chemistry library on campus to read all the latest papers in his field. I put the youngest to bed and spent the evening reading to or watching something with my oldest.
Work something out with your husband so you each have something you do alone with each one. We also had one child help him or me with the cooking so that they were with a parent on a project.
If your older twin has any interest in music take her to a weekly lesson on an instrument she likes. We gave one of our girls piano lessons because she wanted them. She wasn't a performer.
Swim lessons and later gymnastic lessons were what worked for my not too talkative tantrum thrower.

I think you are dealing with a personality/temperament problem...she is not having her needs meet for her temperament...it sounds like she is a melancholy. My son is and he can be quiet and could throw quite a tantrum. Once I understood him better in how his personality worked...and I read the five love languages and discovered his love language. I could work with him better and he started to have fewer tantrums and be less insecure.

All children are different...sounds like you have three completely different personality types.