Hi There, I need some help. I just returned from a camping trip with a friend I have known forever and her 14-year-old son. My friend, I'll call her Kathy, has always been very high-strung and demanding. She was raised by a verbally abusive and controlling mother and I have seen these patterns continue in her before this weekend. It really came to a point this weekend where I feel I need to do something.
Kathy has been out of work since October. She has lost hope about finding a job and is living off of her mom's income. She has begun drinking daily. I know she is very depressed, with little drive to help herself. Last night she began scolding her son "Andy" about something petty and the argument escalated to a screaming match and then to her physically grabbing him, hitting him and actually grabbing him around the neck! I stepped in at this point and broke it up and she was mad at me (I don't care about that at this point), for the rest of the night.
The same type of incident occurred this morning, with Kathy throwing a full 1 liter water bottle at Andy's head and chasing after him to try and hit him. Once again I stepped in.
Andy is a super great kid - smart, kind, doing great at school, drug free, etc. I'm afraid, though, that she's going to push him to far and he's going to hit back, or worse (he's really big and strong).
I'm also afraid she's going to drink herself to death, although that has to be a lesser concern at this point. How can I get help to my friend and her son? Working in healthcare I know that there is not enough here to get anything done through them. Dad is not and has never been in the picture. I'd like to conserve our friendship if possible but mostly I need to look out for Andy.
Thanks so much.
A.
That is a really hard situation. At this point, it can't be about friendship. You have to do what is best for her son. Can he stay with you for a while? I would start by talking with her and telling her she needs to let him stay with family or someone else until she straightens out. You could call CPS but then you don't know where he will end up, though if she won't let him go, then that probably what would be best.
A.,
Thank goodness for people like you in this world. Even though Andy is not your son, there is a moral responsibility to help protect someone in danger.
I am assuming you've tried talking to your friend and she's not willing to change anything? What about talking to her mom? What about an intervention with all her family and friends (even if it's a few people) to talk to her about her drinking, depression and treatment of her son? Maybe her mom should protect her grandson and get the mom "Kathy" out of there; is she in tune with what's going on? I know that seems drastic but some people need "wake up calls" or need to "rock bottom" before changing. I know this from personal experiences.
If nothing works, you will need to call CPS. They are not the say all, end all and do not necessarily do anything but it's worth a try and if you get a good social worker, they may help Andy. You can only do what you can do. You have a 3 year old to take care of.
I would also reach out to any organization that can help. AA, churches, etc. Don't give up. A person's life is at stake and more importantly (to me) a child is at risk.
I fully believe most of what's wrong in this world is bad parenting. No other way to put it, bad parenting.
You're an angel. Hang in there A..
God bless you.
You need to talk to your friend during a non-confrontational time and tell her what you are seeing and that you are there to help her. Is there any way that you could offer her son a safe place to stay, even if just for a while? He needs to be removed from the situation...what if you aren't there next time?
you have to call cps - 1800soschild. if something worse happens you will feel bad that you did not do something.
You are a great friend to Kathy for stepping in when she was trying to physically harm her child. I bet Andy thanks you for it more than you could know. As someone else posted, if she does that in front of you, she is probably doing more behind closed doors. That poor kid, Andy! You said Kathy was raised by a controlling, verbally abusive mother and it sounds like Kathy has turned out to be the same way only physically abisive as well. Maybe if you had a talk with Kathy and pointed out that she is being just like her mother was to her that would help her realize what she is putting her son through. A lot of people don't like to think they are like their parents and pointing that out to her may be the way to get her to stop. Good luck with it!
First- I think you need to tell 'Andy' that you are there for him. He probably feels very alone and confused by his mother's behavior and I'm sure it would be a huge relief for him to know he has some support without betraying his mom. I think it's also very important for you to tell him that you love his mother, but that her behavior is wrong. Let him know that he can call you any time and for any reason.
Then, you should approach "Kathy" and tell her that you know her situation is hard, but that she will forever regret taking it out on her son. SOmetimes moms get so wrapped up in life that they forget that every action has a huge impact on our kids. Hopefully if you approach it with love in your heart, and only good intentions, she will respond positively. If she doesn't, you have to be there for Andy. I would bet that very few people know what he's going through
Can you take Andy in yourself? You can present it to Kathy as "giving her a break?" Then see where it goes from there?
I think you and K.'s mom should do intervention so K. can get help and be there for her teenager.
Put first off pray and ask for God to guide you and for this to be done in a loving way, so K. knows you have her and her sons best interests at heart.
Take care and I'll be praying for you too.
K.
Hi, A. -
What a horrible situation to find yourself in, and it sounds like you already realize there are no easy answers. I think preserving the friendship may be a lost cause at this point, at least until your friend gets some help. In the meantime, think of how you would feel if you didn't act, and something tragic were to happen. I think you need to tell your friend how concerned you are, and that if she doesn't seek help you will have to report the situation to the authorities. You're right, Andy needs you. Stay strong.
A.-
I'm sorry to say I don't know what you should do. I'll keep you and your friend and her son in my thoughts and prayers though.
Hi A.,
You're a good friend to ask others for advice. This is a touchy subject for sure, but you were RIGHT to step in, and RIGHT to be concerned for your friend and her son's well-being.
Here is a list of family resources in your area that may be able to help:
http://www.mag.maricopa.gov/archive/DV/wof/html/Family-Re...
A few that really stood out are:
www.mesaunitedway.org
www.arizonaschildren.org
Most importantly, don't give up trying to help no matter how difficult it seems/becomes. Your friend/her son are blessed to have you in their lives :)
Best,
C.
What a complicated situation. This must be very difficult for you. I think you should call child protection services in case there's more going on behind closed doors. I don't know that there's anything they can do if she's not going any farther than what you saw, but chances are that she's more abusive behind closed doors. Also, in a quiet moment, maybe suggest to her that with all she's been with you've noticed she has some anger issues, and that maybe she should get some counselling. Sometimes having someone else to vent at (other than your child) can make a big difference in her abusive behavior. Good luck. It's a hard situation for you to have to deal with. You (and they) are in my prayers.
Hi A.,
As difficult as it may be, you need to call child protective services. There is something much bigger than your friendship going on here - the safety and well-being of a child.
Another fear to consider is that the son may blame himself for the mom's problems since she is directing her anger at him. This can lead to long term problems for the son such as depression - depression in the teen years is something to avoid!!!!
Yes, life creates stresses and anxiety levels can soar but a child should NEVER suffer because of it.
Talk to your friend in a non-confrontational way. Don't use the word "you" simply indicate what you observed and express your concerns for her and her son.
There are many agencies, churches and organizations that can and would love to help.
I wish you the best and will keep you and your friend and most importantly, her son, in my prayers.
God Bless,
L.
