Need Advice for When My Second Baby Arrives

I agree with putting your daughter in a daycare away from the home "temporarily". I am a home daycare provider in Lakewood and I have one suggestion.....If you do decide to put her in a daycare make sure it is consistant and the same timeframe everyday. Understand your daughter is going to go through a lot also with a new baby. Consistency and security is so important for her. Trust me if your daughter is happy and secure it will go so much smoother. I have had "drop ins" in my daycare and when the moms come in they usually only want a few days a week a few hours a day, for most moms this does not work and they end up changing it to everday for 2 to 5 hours. It is so hard on a child your daughters age to go one day to daycare for 2 or 3 hours and then the next day go home and then the next day go to a daycare. Even though your child is loved and cared for, the structure routine is so important. If you can pick a time frame everyday you can work with like say 10am to 2pm Monday thru Friday this is so much better. Even Monday thru Thursday is fine. If you interview daycares ask when crafttime is and maybe that timeframe is good. Even a 2pm to 5:30pm is good that way you can get dinner prepared while she is in daycare and go pick her up just in time for dinner. Maybe even daddy can swing by and pick her up on the way home from work and have some daddy time:) Good luck luck and best wishes with your new addition.

No one could have prepared me for the challenges I encountered when my second son arrived. Son #1 was 2 years and 3 months when my second son was born. #1 has been in daycare since he was 5 months old so we continued with that. I have NO idea how anyone stays at home and manages 2 kids these ages and maintains their sanity. Right at this age the older one is going through lots of changes - toddler bed, potty training, the normal terrible twos type stuff. These are the things that as a parent you have to deal with / manage / assist the older child with all while trying to deal with a newborn. I'm not trying to scare you at all and believe me it is all well worth it but it is good to be prepared. It was right around 16-18 months when my son really started getting a lot out of daycare. It became less of just a babysitter type of situation and more of a learning and creative experience for him. I think it would be helpful on many levels to send your daughter to preschool. One - it will give you a much needed break, two - it will allow you to spend alone time with the new baby, three - it will help her build her independence and self confidence. It is difficult to provide the same experiences for the older one when you are managing the newborn - it becomes more about just keeping the older one busy. She needs socialization with other kids her age also and that is hard to do while dealing with the baby. When we have playdates I have to have my son's friends come over here and also make sure my husband is home so we can manage both of them. If you are nursing it will be super hectic in the beginning when the older one is around - my toddler would climb on me, tell me the baby was "all done" and try to take him off the bobby, cry for me as my husband tried to untangle him from me so I could feed the baby, etc. This wasn't all the time, mind you but often enough. We are now 4 months out and things have mellowed considerably. The older one is much more used to the baby being around and my need to sometimes focus my attention on the baby also we are getting a bit more sleep. Keep in mind that with two you get zero downtime - one takes a nap, the other needs your attention - there is no sleeping in as the toddler gets up early, etc. I hope I'm not scaring you - I don't mean to I just think that the best advice I can give you is definitely send the older one to daycare, on a consistent schedule. Just having a nanny in the house you'll still deal with the struggles of the older one wanting you when you are trying to deal with the baby. Once things have settled down you can always take the older one back out of daycare but if you find a good one you will probably find that she really likes to go everyday. Good luck!!!

I just had my 3rd child 5 months ago, my first 2 are 22 months apart which sounds very much like what you are heading into. I am a stay at home mom and kept both children at home with me and did not have any family around or visiting after any of the births. Let me first say this, there is nothing wrong or better in regards to keeping your child with you or sending them to daycare - it is a very personal decision and it is done successfully both ways. Only you know what you are capable of handling and that is where you have to start. I think that anything is possible and strongly believe that our children feed off of our emotions - so I put it in my head that it's just another baby, no big deal ( I of course started out scared out of my mind). I took the steps of preparing my older child and talked about what would be happening once baby arrived everything from nursing to crying and I also set up the house so that my 2 year old could be my little helper (put diapers and wipes where she could get them for me, bibs, burpcloths etc) This way instead of feeling neglected when the baby needed me, she felt really important and I let her know that the baby needed her too. I also set up similar activities for my daughter so that we would do things together - I would change baby and she would change her baby doll. Those are just some ideas. If you do get help, which would probably be great because I was so wiped out without any help my 1st two kids had major colic and reflux and the colic with my 2nd child lasted about 10 hours every night. So... as some of the other moms have mentioned - there are always those things that we do not anticipate that just happen to pop up on us. I personally would go with the sitter or mommy's helper if I were to get some sort of help and have someone come and play with your toddler while you are still there. I would however recommend whatever you choose to do that you start about a month or two before you are due, just so that your toddler does not feel like he/she is getting bumped for the new baby. They will just feel like it is a treat to have a new playmate and it will already be part of an established routine. It may also avoid some unnecessary resentment. Something I found helpful in general is that babies are so portable and I find that if it suits you, getting them used to a sling early on is a lifesaver. I wear my 5 month old and have a hand each for my 2 year old and 4 year old and my baby will just hang out in there and sleep when she is tired while we are out. Although it is impossible to keep all 3 of them happy at all times - it works out pretty well. I will tell you that the reason I would at that age have help inside the home rather than away from home is that I know that I would miss her and because they get big so fast. You will see after your 2nd child, how time flies and how even more quickly they change. Being a stay at home mom of 3 kids 4 and under is the hardest thing I have ever done and I am sure all stay at home mom's would agree the most rewarding thing you will ever do. No one knows better than you what is best for your child. This was just my experience and I hope it helps and best of luck!

Get as much help as possible. My daughter was 15 months old when I was pregnant and I had a horrible time. My second daughter was born and had Jaundice so she had to be in a machine for 24 hours a day. So having to deal with those issues and chase a 2 year old was the worst. I didn't have a whole lot of help either so the six weeks that I was supposed to rest I did not. I had to cook, clean, change pull ups, change diapers, pump milk, take the newborn to the doctor every other day for blood tests. Needless to say I will wait longer before I have a third child. I prayed everyday that it would get easier. I was so stressed and sleep deprived.

If it doesn't cost you too much to get a nanny then go for it. The ease of stress is worth more than any dollar amount. Oh and FYI the husband was worse than the kids.....

Good luck and I hope you find someone that you can trust around your babies.

How smart of you to anticipate the difficulty of caring for your toddler and a new baby. I on the other hand blissfully arranged to take 3 mos off work when my 2nd son was born, kept my 1st son home, and thought, "it will be so wonderful - all of us bonding together!" The reality was, it was the most difficult time of my life. My 1st son was 2 1/2 at the time. I really needed time alone with the new baby and I had none whatsoever. I still feel guilty because I feel like my 2nd son spent his 1st 6 mos of life sitting in a car seat on the living room floor!
I think the best option would be a day care/preschool just for a couple of hours for your older child, to get him/her out of the house and give you protected time. If you have a nanny or babysitter come to your home, if your older child is anything like mine, he/she will still demand attention - from YOU. It could also be more threatening for the older kid - ie. from their perspective, "Mommy has a new baby and now (nanny) is the one who loves me and takes care of me."
Best of luck and I can tell you - it gets a lot better and now my 2 are inseparable!

Before my 2nd baby was born, I had (ahead of time) enrolled my oldest child in preschool.... and she started her 1st day of preschool about 4 weeks before my 2nd baby was born. Thankfully, all that planning paid off... I was SOOOOO relieved to have only one child at home, when my 2nd baby was born. I could concentrate on my baby, develop a routine with him (uninterrupted) and bond and not feel "guilty" giving him attention (versus if my older child were home, she would sometimes get a little jealous of my pampering my baby). My oldest girl finished her school at about 2:00...and let me tell you...it was so terrific! My girl LOVED school...it was HER "special" time and she adapted well to it, even while getting used to a new baby in the house. PLUS, it gave ME needed rest and ability to take care of only 1 child for part of the day. It IS a good idea. My friend on the other hand, got a Nanny to help her at home so she wasn't alone.... and she liked this solution. She says it is VERY helpful and she loves it. Bear in mind, that 1/2 a day, really goes by fast... so you might want to get help for longer than half a day. It is especially hard to get children to nap....much less 2 children at the same time. Having any kind of help with feeding, putting to nap, playing with your child, and changing diapers, and prepping the children's food or washing your clothes etc. will be a GREAT help for you. Just make sure you use a license Nanny and do a background check. Yes, you are wise to plan this out now. You will need assistance. It will help you tremendously! Good luck and take care!
~Susan
www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo

When I was pregnant with my second child (my first was 9 months old) I thought, how in the world am I going to do this?? TWO babies in diapers, bottles, breasfeeding, etc. Well, you just do it, as my mother said. And she was right. You just do it and it all gets done. But, if you can afford to have a nanny and half day "preschool" type setting, I say go for both, not either or. Have someone come in to help a couple of hours a day in the beginning, then when your oldest is around 2 yrs, they may be ready for some socialization a couple of hours a day. Eventually they start to level eachother and will play together, keeping eachother company. Find what makes sense, is least stressful for you and both babies. Consider that your oldest might not be ready quite yet for the day care thing. You might want to start a little now before the baby is born. Try some play groups, Mommy and me's, or looking into the right type of preschool so you will be ready when the time comes. Good Luck!

I.,

I just wanted to add a few thoughts not found in other answers. Preschool in the morning would help but if you have it in the afternoon you are mainly just paying for a nap for your daughter. Also make sure that it is actually preschool and not just day care. If you go this way put her in well before your seconds birth (figure in that you might be early). This way your daughter will not feel like you are getting her out of the way for the new baby.

If you can't afford both part time preschool and part time nanny I recommend hiring a Mother's Helper in the afternoon. Usually they are College age or High School. My daughter would go and help with twins every day, after school. Her jobs consisted of laundry, dishes, playing with older sibling, holding baby in rocker...etc. She was only there a few hours a day but her help with the serenity of the home was immense. If you are interested check with your nearest college or high school that offers a children development program. Also the Red Cross has a babysitting class and might have a place with names qualified to babysit.

Thanks,

Evelyn

I am going to answer this 2 fold. first of all your 16 month old will be 23 months old when this baby comes. she will be very jealous of the time you are spending with the new baby. If you shuffle her off to a daycare center she will act out and be uncontrollable because she will want her mommy back. she may also feel that you are sending her away because you love the new baby more. sounds crazy but that is how kids think. why don't you hire a teenager to come for a couple of hours a few times a week to play with your daughter sometimes and take care of the baby sometimes. you will be at home and the times she is playing with your 2 year old you can sleep or take care of your new one and the times when she is with the new baby you need to spend one on one undivided attention with your 2 year old. It is so important and you only get 1 shot at this. your baby will be fine sleeping in another room while someone is looking after her. your 2 year old will need you more than you think. i am a mom of 4 and my kids are all less than 22 months apart. it is challenging at first taking care of 2 kids but it will get easier. i promise!

good luck!

Hi I.,
I am S. H and I am a postpartum doula/sleep trainer. I help new mothers with this adjusting period. I work night to give mothers the recovery sleep they need and am on call for any advice about the postpartum period. including but not limited to lactation, incoprorating new born in two the family, day and night time schedules, sleep traing,and referals. I would advise you to bring some one to the home for your daugter. It is best to keep her schedule as close to what it was before the baby came. That said you do need bonding time with your new born and rest. Why don't you call me if you have any concerns you need help with.###-###-#### home###-###-####)

I., I agree with what some other moms have said. I have a 3 month old and a 2 year old. Try and have the toddler out of the house maybe half the day, and then home the other half to get used to the new dynamic.
Two great things that will give you hope:
1. My oldest is also a girl and, to her, having a baby is like having a living doll. She has adjusted beautifully and likes to "help" me take care of her little sister.
2. I thought I would never get used to having 2 kids, and now I am- it is possible! Trust me, I was completely freaked out about the whole thing and now it seems like I've always had 2.