Need Advice for Toddler Who Won't Sleep

Hi S.,

I had the same problem with my little granddaughter not wanting to go to sleep. I have her sleeping on a magnetic pad and now she sleeps great and loves it. She started sleeping on it from birth. She is 7 now.

If you want to learn more you may go to www.nikken.com/ninamarie

Good luck to you.

N. Marie

I'm curious to know why you moved her from her crib so quickly? Was she climbing out? The crib is a safe place for many children, and maybe she no longer feels that safety. Our son is 2 1/2 and is showing no signs of a desire to move out of his crib. When he sleeps over at grandma's, when we go on vacation or camping, and when I know we are going to be at a friends for nap time, I take the pack-n-play. It's his bed and he is safe there.

I can't imagine trying to move her back into a crib, but maybe you could create that same feeling of safety with a large teddy to protect her and to act as a comforting replacement for you and your husband.

I personally would not want to contine to have my own sleep dictated by my child's, and I wouldn't recommend continuing to lay down with her to sleep or to sleep with her unless there is a special circumstance like she is really sick. And I don't think the big girl bed is the answer.

One last thought, when you let her cry it out, what is happening outside her bedroom? Can she hear you and your husband talking or doing something she thinks she is missing out on? I have noticed that our son cries longer if there are people talking, so if we have guests I create white noise with the stereo or tv. Sometimes when the weather is acceptable, we go outside to talk until he is asleep.

Just a few thoughts.

AARRRGGHHHHH!!! Admittedly, I've not had ANY experience with "the family bed" or "co-sleeping" that seems to be the fad these days. . . with the exception of reading a book before bed, or watching a movie, or reading the comics in bed on Sunday morning our children and grandchildren did not and DO not sleep in our bed. And, suddenly thinking that children are better off by sleeping in mom and dad's bed is a load of garbage.

Families slept together in pioneer times because they had to, not for the well-being of their children.

Whenever I hear about this latest fad of co-sleeping, etc., I remember my sister-in-law, who waiting so long for her children and cherished them so dearly (and still does) but who made the mistake of believing that her daughter needed her to help her get to sleep (even though her older brother never had that problem). She began staying with her every night, stroking her back until Lauren decided Mom could leave or until Lauren was asleep. Fast forward ten years ---- Mom was STILL laying in bed with Lauren, stroking her back until she fell asleep and Lauren was TWELVE YEARS OLD!!!

I just have one question for believers of the "family bed". What happens to their personal life? Do they just give it up until their children decide to sleep in their own beds? Do they continue with their private life while their children are "sleeping" beside them???

Okay, so YOU have created this situation with your child by giving her the idea that she HAS to have one of you there to sleep. Fair? No, not to anyone, especially her. But now it's up to YOU, the adult, to make it right. Trust me, when she's grown up, she'll never remember the tough week she had learning to sleep in her own bed by herself. This is what she needs.

Honestly, had anyone managed to track psychiatric problems or lives of crime back to "I was forced to sleep in my own bed"?? I don't think so.

It's not an ideal situation, but your 2-year old has done nothing but take her cues from you. And you have conditioned her to think that she can NOT sleep by herself. Now it's time for you to show her that she CAN.

I think she's old enough that you can tell her in the cold light of day that you and daddy will not be coming into her room and sleeping on her floor anymore. If she does not have a night light, get her one, and tell her that she can sleep with her stuffed animal or special blanket or whatever, and that will help her have good dreams. Tell her that you will come in to tuck her back in if she wakes up, but that then you will have to go back into your room to sleep, because that's where mommies and daddies sleep.

Then, when she wakes up at night, go in, tuck her in, and leave. Wait 5 minutes, and if she is still crying, go back in, tuck her in, and leave. Wait 10 minutes, and repeat the process. Then wait 15 minutes, etc. We did this when our oldest daughter was about a year old and the first night it took hours of doing this before she slept. The second night it took about 45 minutes, and the third night she slept straight through. The trick is not to interact at all except to simply say, "I am here, but now you need to go to sleep." (And that's IT! Don't get sucked into picking her up, rocking her, etc etc etc)

I really feel that kids need their parents to be their leaders. In this instance she needs you to take charge of the situation and tell her how it's going to be - and then do it. She will feel secure simply in knowing that you are there, but that what you said is going to happen, is really going to happen. Once she realizes that when you say she needs to sleep, that is the ONLY outcome that's going to happen, she will sleep a lot better.

I hope this helps!

Does she still take naps? My youngest went through this same stage and when I stopped letting him nap during the day and started getting him up at a set time int he morning it slowly went away. I also tried explaing to him that it was his bed and mommy had her bed adn that was just how it was. Make sure you are reassuring her the entire time you try to explain why it is not healthy for you to sleep in her bed. You could also try making a "deal" with her. Like tell her you are going to sit in the room instead of laying down. Or put a time limit on it. If she does really well and at least tries give her a special treat for big girls. It doesn't have to be a toy or money it could be that she gets to pick out a movie and you will sit with her to watch it together. It couldn't hurt to try?

Hi S.!

Kids go through several sleep changes throughout their little lives. The night-time sleeping is one of the major things to constantly change, especially at her age~at least in my experience with my children.

I always thought, "I don't want my child to be afraid at night", so whatever night-time stage my boys were in, I always just tried to accomodate. It never lasted too long, but some nights required alot of patience on my part.

Sometimes, it's just eaiser to sleep with them until they fall asleep. Why is that so bad? They are secure, they go to sleep faster, and you can go back to doing things you need to after she's asleep.

This is a normal stage, and most all toddlers need their parents help and security to fall asleep. It's a great comfort to her if you help her sleep in her own bed, otherwise, you could have her end up in your bed for a couple of years.....and that's a whole other ballgame :o)

Good Luck to you

:o) N.

First of all, you are not a failure! We all do things w/our kids & then later say, 'Why in God's name did I do that?' This will just be the first one many of those for you. I think you probably had the right concept before of letting her cry it out but then you gave in. The key to so many things w/kids is consistency. Once they realize we parents are gonna give in, well, they just go to town w/that! There are sooo....many sleep methods to choose from....letting her cry it out, go in to soothe her but then start peetering out the amount of time you spend in there soothing her, star charts for sleeping thru the night....the list goes on. You just need to find one that you feel would work for your whole family & stick w/it. I'd say tho, since she's just 2 yrs old, the star chart might be a bit advanced for her. In the morning you can give her lotsa praise for staying in her bed & being such a big girl & maybe offer her a small reward but in general, go w/something simple. Just be consistent & do not give in! Kids are smart & she'll pick up pretty quick & realize you mean business. Hope this helps & good luck!

I would say do what it takes to get a good night's sleep! What works for some families will not work for others. Many people view co-sleeping negatively, but it has been a joy for us in ours. My 3.5 year old started sleeping with us when he was 2. He wanted the extra comfort and security of knowing i was there, so I was happy to provide that to him. a year and a half after he started sleeping in our bed, he is slowly trying (on his own) to move back to his bed. We have newborn who is now sleeping in our bed, too, so our 3 year old is expressing a desire to go back to his own room. He just started this request last week and he still comes back to my bed in the middle of the night, but it is clear that he is making an effort to go to sleep in his own bed after co-sleeping for a year and a half. We always get great sleep this way and since I waited until he was comfortable trying to sleep on his own, I think it is a little easier than forcing it when he was not ready. I still have to be in the room with him when he falls asleep, but I am working on getting him to feel comfortable going to sleep on his own. he did it for the first two years of his life, so he should be able to do it now. it will just take some readjusting. So, I encourage you guys to do whatever it takes for everyone to be able to get some good sleep. Don't worry about what people say is good or not good for the child. What is important is for all of you to stop being sleep-deprived so that you can function the rest of the day normally. This stage WILL pass!!! Give her the security she needs. It is just a phase. good luck!

Bear in mind that she is getting to a point developmentally where she is going to start to have a different awareness of her dreams and a different experience of waking up at night (which everyone does, even children who seem to sleep through the night).

This is an age where many children have nightmares and also a point where, cognitively, she becomes aware of threats and dangers (and her own vulnerability) in a new way. Now she not only knows more about the risks in the world, but also she can remember and imagine them whether they're there or not. She doesn't recognize/know what's fantasy and what's real, either, (and that won't come for a long time yet) so even if she's not having scary dreams, she may wake up from a very vivid dream and not know where she is or what's going on (think of some time when you've woken up from a dream and been disoriented). Try to put yourself in her shoes, as best you can -- she wakes up in the night and feels that she needs you (may be scared, may be disoriented after a vivid dream, whatever), if you don't come at all, that's terrifying and infuriating - if you come in but then leave, that's reassuring and then scary/desperate feeling, etc. She legitimately needs you at night just like she does during the day.

I think the practical thing to do is for one of you (you, it seems) to sleep in her room or to go curl up with or near her when she wakes up -- then you get the sleep and she also gets the sleep you both need.

You really can't function well if you're sleep deprived, and you both stand a better chance of coming through this phase healthy and happy if you've slept. The longer you both go without good sleep the worse it gets - it's a vicious cycle AND it could build bad/problematic sleep habits.

The need for you to comfort her by being PHYSICALLY present for large hunks of the night will NOT last forever, no matter what some people may tell you. Of course every family is different and you do have to find a solution that really works for your family (you can't force something that you really don't believe in). Dr. William Sears has a very good schpiel on night-time parenting and sleep that would give you more reasoning and more strategies than I'm putting in here.

I don't think that getting a big-girl bed or anything along those lines will not help because I don't think that's related to why she's needing your support and presence at night.

Good luck.

You didn't mention if the crying began after she was put into a toddler bed. If so, maybe she no longer feels the security that her crib provided. People are always in a hurry to get their child in a big kid bed and I don't understand why unless you need to free up the crib for another child.

Let your daughter sleep with you in your bed. You all get to sleep and she will be fine. It all goes in phases, she needs you a lot right now apparently, that is a nice thing that you will miss when she gets older. My 4 year old son wakes up almost every second night and can't fall back to sleep unless I lie next to him for a while, so I do that. You haven't failed in any way! Children are humans, not pets, you can't train them to everything.

Hi S.,
I HIGHLY recommend "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Dr. Marc Weissbluth. He has some specific things to do in this situation. I would personally put her back in her crib and get a crib tent if she is climbing out. Most children this age don't understand the imaginary boundaries like a regular bed. You didn't mention what her sleep schedule is but this was my daughter's at that age. Wake up between 6:30-7am, nap by 1pm (at least 1 hr) and asleep by 6:30pm. The quickest way to break this habit of hers in to let her cry it out. It usually takes a week at the most IF you are consistent and don't give in. She is old enough to understand you if you tell her that it is bedtime and you won't be coming back until morning, but you have to mean it. Right now she is in control as you have given in. It sucks to hear them cry, but right now you need to give her what she NEEDS (healthy sleep) not what she WANTS (to stay up). She sounds very overtired too so try an EARLY bedtime right away and make sure her bedtime routine is calm without TV or computer at least 1 hr before bedtime. Paige eats dinner then has a bath, after which we read two books then turn out the lights and rock with music. I set a time limit and stick to it. I try to make the whole house darkened and quiet during the wind down and once she is in bed she is there to stay. If the crying REALLY gets to you, go for a walk alone or listen to music with headphones. As long as she knows she can get you to come back, she will continue the behavior. You can also try the modified cry it out, which means waiting 5-10 mins before responding and then don't pick her up or talk. Just lay her back down and rub her back until she calms then leave. Wait longer each time until she goes to sleep. This only works if you are consistent though and it can take MUCH longer. If you want more info or suggestions, email me. I know what a strain this type of situation has on a marriage, and how depressed one can get from lack of sleep.
Sincerely,
L.

S., Something that might work is to gradually get her used to sleeping by herself. First try sitting on the bed, then standing next to the bed, then move your way closer to the hallway a little bit each night. The first night she'll probably cry, but she'll have the comfort of your sitting on the bed. Good luck!

We put up a gate to the child's bedroom when he started sleeping in his toddler bed. We left the door open, so he could see and hear us, play with his stuffed animals and toys, right at the door. He could not leave his room, though, and would often fall asleep at the door. Then he would sleep through the night, or crawl into his toddler bed to play, ultimately falling asleep. He was approximately 19 months old when we started, and we used this method when his brother was young as well. You need to rest and have time with your husband, and this trick will give your daughter comfort and security as she learns to relax and fall asleep. We also used soft, relaxing classical music in the room with the children to ease the transition to sleep. He was a climber, and had already started climbing out of his crib, so the toddler bed was great. He felt secure wherever he was because we created a safe evironment for him.