Need Advice for an 18-Month Old Who Doesn't Want to Stop Breastfeeding

Updated on July 09, 2009
L.W. asks from Santa Clara, CA
15 answers

I'm posting this for my sister who has an 18-month old girl who doesn't want to stop nursing. My sister would not be in a rush to wean her except for the fact that nursing has become a source of contention for her daughter. If her daughter can't nurse the moment she wants to nurse, she throws a fit. So my sister's been trying to wean her because a) she's not producing very much milk any longer and b) it only seems to be making my niece more angry vs. happy to be nursing now. My sister's now outright denying her daughter the breast, but it's been a very unnerving several days for both my sister and her daughter who asks to nurse all day long since she's being denied. Does anyone who's gone through weaning at an older age have any advice for my sister to get through this without so much angst? I can tell she's really worn out by the experience and I want to help her but haven't experienced this myself nor do I know anyone who has.

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S.L.

answers from Fort Collins on

This is a long reply, so I'm sorry about the book, but I think there are a lot of issues going on...

There are many reasons to keep nursing a toddler. www.kellymom.com is a great resource to research those, as is the book "How Weaning Happens," which has wonderful information about why you would nurse a toddler, as well as some great ideas for how to wean when you are ready. That being said, it doesn't sound to me like your sister is in any hurry to wean. It just sounds like Mom is at the end of her rope, and weaning seems like it will make the problem go away. Unfortunately, that isn't true. If you have a strong-willed child who is throwing a tantrum at the breast, she's just going to throw her tantrums about something else once she's weaned. I say this from experience!

The heart of the issue seems to be boundaries. It sounds like your sister feels like her daughter won’t respect her boundaries, and she is tired of it. Nursing manners are nothing more than boundaries, which parents should be setting for all toddlers. If the biggest issue is waiting for nursing, then there are a couple things to consider. First, some compassion is definitely called for. It is hard for little ones to wait. That doesn’t mean that they can’t or shouldn’t learn, but it does mean that we can show them some sympathy and remind ourselves as parents when we are frustrated that this is hard for the kids, too. Second, it will probably help if you niece has something of a schedule to her nursing. A routine helps her know what to expect. Without one, your niece can’t understand why Mommy says yes this time and no another time. Mom doesn't have to schedule by the clock, but some kind of routine is helpful. When my girls were that age, we nursed first thing in the morning, and before naps and bedtime. Beyond that, I would nurse them when they were hurt. Other than that, if they asked out of the blue, they were told that they had to wait until whenever then next nursing time was. If your sister is uncomfortable nursing in public, or unwilling to interrupt errands to nurse, it can help to set a particular spot in the house as your nursing spot. Then she can easily say, "We only nurse in the rocking chair. Once we get home, Mommy has to put the food in the fridge and then we'll go nurse in the rocking chair." I did this with my girls, and it was so easy because it was so concrete for them - no rocking chair (or couch, or special pillow, or whatever), no nursing. Finally, it is important to follow through. I’m totally guilty of this - I tell my girls “just a minute,” then ten minutes later, I’m still on the phone, reading my book, or doing whatever. Your sister should give her daughter a concrete time, then follow through. Instead of saying "Mommy needs to finish up on the computer," or something that is so vague that her daughter doesn't know what to expect, set a concrete time - timers are great for this! Say something like, "Mommy needs to answer this email. I will nurse you in two minutes when the timer goes off. Listen for the timer to go 'DING,' and then we will nurse." Then she can set a kitchen timer, stop what she is doing when the timer goes off, and nurse as promised. When your niece learns that Mommy will do what she says, when she says it, she will learn to wait and to trust Mommy to follow through.

Once she sets reasonable boundaries, your sister has to be willing to enforce them. She's not going to get around the problem by weaning her daughter. She'll still have to set boundaries over jumping on the couch, running into the street, or having chocolate for breakfast. With a strong-willed child, she will have to reinforce her boundaries over and over again. There will be times when she will be in a power struggle with her daughter and times when her daughter will throw tantrums. It's just the nature of parenting. Tantrums over nursing should be dealt with the same way she deals with any other tantrums. When my girls throw tantrums (in relation to anything, not just nursing), I tell them something like "It hurts Mommy's ears when you scream like that. I'm going to put you in your room so you don't hurt my ears. You can come out when you are all done crying." If your sister doesn't want to send her daughter to her room, she can just walk away. Some moms like to sit quietly next to their child until their child is done. That always wound my kids up more when they had an audience. If your sister is willing to nurse her daughter, but not willing to give into a tantrum, she can say something like “Your crying hurts Mommy’s ears. I can’t make milk when my ears are hurting. When you are all done crying, I will sit on the couch with you and nurse.” Unlike a previous poster, I would NOT recommend laughing at the child or telling them they are being silly. Obviously, they don't feel like whatever they are crying over is a silly issue, and that is such a disrespectful thing to say to someone who is upset. We would never respond to a crying friend like that! You can empathize with the feelings without allowing the bad behavior. One thing that helped head off tantrums for my girls was teaching them to name their feelings. I would say something like "You are FRUSTRATED right now, because you can't nurse. It's hard when Mommy says no. I understand. When I don't get what I want, I feel frustrated too." Then you give them an acceptable way to express their feelings. "You can tell Mommy, I feel FRUSTRATED. You can also hit a pillow if you feel frustrated. You cannot scream at me. If you need to scream, you can scream in your room." I felt pretty silly doing this with a 12 months old, but they eventually got what I was saying, and it helped! I’ll never forget my oldest, at 18 months, telling me through her tears, “I feel FWUSTWATED! I just need to go in my room and cry right now.” Then she took herself off to the nursery, cried for a while, then came out and went about her business.

I agree with other posters that have pointed out that your niece is obviously not ready to wean. While this doesn't mean your sister can't wean her, it does mean that it's going to be more difficult if that is what she decides to do. It’s not likely that if she just goes away for the weekend, your niece is going to lose interest. I have weaned one daughter who was ready, and one who was not. With my first, I went slowly down to one feeding a day, then left for the weekend. It was so easy, and I thought I had the perfect answer. Then I weaned my second daughter, who was *not* ready, and it was a nightmare. Six months later, she still bugs me about nursing. She still reminds me that my milk is going to come back when the baby is born, and I just know that she is going to ask to nurse once her baby sister is born! I realize that it wasn't the method that made it easy, it was the fact that my oldest was ready, while my second was not.

My best advice for your sister would be to find a local La Leche League meeting. She can look them up on the La Leche League, Intl. website at http://www.llli.org/WebUS.html. There she will meet other women, including moms who are nursing toddlers. We’ve all run into the same issues. It is so priceless to be able to talk it out with other moms who have been there. Sometimes the only answer she’ll get is “We’ve been there, too. This too shall pass.” Sometimes she’ll hear “Trust your gut. You know what’s best for you and your baby.” Sometimes she’ll get some really great advice that makes all the difference in the world. Whatever she hears, that kind of community is invaluable. I know there is a LOT of information in this post. I hope your sister finds something that helps her and her daughter.

Best of luck,
S. L

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J.P.

answers from Denver on

Hi--
I breastfed late into the toddler years and allowed my son to wean himself (using don't offer, don't refuse). In my experience if the little one is throwing a fit about nursing it is probably something else that is really the problem. It could be teething (molars are canines) and she wants the comfort right now!!! Or it could be a change in nap schedules....or it could be a stomach ache, etc. By denying her the breast she is likely making her daughter more upset and since the breast is comfort I can understand why everyone in the house is unnerved. She may have to go through a couple of days of lots of nursing to comfort her daughter. My guess is that the demands will calm down when whatever is bothering her calms down. Also, with a toddler you do have to set some boundaries around nursing. If your sister is calm and firm with her about when she will and will not allow her to nurse the tantrums will stop when her daughter realizes that Mommy really means it. It may take a week or two...as long as she holds firm with her boundaries the little one will follow her lead.
If she does not want to allow her to nurse then she needs to find something else to help her daughter feel comforted, loved, and soothed. Special cuddles, a stuffed animal, playing a special game with Mommy, etc. This is a fragile time when something that her daughter has always counted on for comfort is taken completely away--especially when Mommy is right there and she can see it. She does not understand why she is being denied and it could be emotionally damaging if she doesn't either let her breast feed or find another source of comfort for her. I'm happy to talk to her further is she thinks it could be helpful.
Good luck to her...and thanks for being such a great sister to try to help her.
J.

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T.W.

answers from Salt Lake City on

sounds like this little one isn't quite ready for weaning. a good rule of thumb is "don't offer, don't refuse" and she's still pretty little to understand many more limits than that. "How Weaning Happens" is a wonderful book on gentle weaning. The World Health Organization recommends a min. of 2 years of breastfeeding for ALL children of the world, and that's just a minimum, so maybe if these two can get their balance back they could find nursing enjoyable again. 18 months is a good time to teach some nursing manners, but making it a battle isn't doing anyone any favors. gradual weaning, not cold turkey is recommended. Maybe your sister would be interested in talking with other moms who are nursing beyond a year. If she lives in the Salt Lake City area there is an "extended nursing" meeting with the Salt Lake City La Leche League group tomorrow. You can visit LLLofMurray.blogspot.com and find the meeting times towards the bottom of the right hand column. good luck to her!

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C.L.

answers from Fort Collins on

I struggled with my DD at about the same age trying to get her to understand that I didn't want to nurse her in public anymore. What I did was this:
1) Set established nursing times that work for both mom and child. We did morning, nap, and before bed.
2) Nurse her at those times and call them that: "Time for morning nursises." "Time for nap nursies." "Time for night time nursies." Do this for a couple days. Try to make the other times of day so engaging that she is not asking so much. (Take her to the park, playdate, swimming)
3) When she asks to nurse at other times, tell her no gently, but remind her that she will get nursies later. "We just had nursies this morning! You will have to wait for nap time nursing."
4) If all else fails, I usually fall back on bribery mixed with choices to head off the tantrums. "You really want nursing right now? Well, we can either go home and have nap time nursing, or we can go to the big park when we are done with this store. What do you want, go to the big park with that twisty slide or go home and have nursies and a nap?"
5) If she still insists on nursing, you have to hold to your word. "I hear you want nursing. As soon as we get home we will go upstairs and have your nap time nursing. I understand you want them right now. I'm trying to hurry."

It helps if you really do hurry to complete whatever errand you are running, then head straight home and nurse/nap. Remember you want to be true to your word. Same for the park - don't make a bribe you can't support.

Tell your sister to hang in there. Now is a good time for her to find some stratagies that work for both her and her daughter. After all, if she is not battling her toddler over nursing, it will be over clothing, sunscreen, food, or something else. Those little ones love to test their limits (and yours).

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S.M.

answers from Denver on

I just went through this with my 2 year old after his sister was born. My husband finally said we just need to do it cold turkey. He was off for a couple of weeks after the birth so he was there to help.
There was a lot of tears (mommy and him!!) but after a few days we made it. Once a couple of weeks has passed and he was weaned but not sleeping well, my mom suggested that he might be missing skin to skin contact, so I started offering for him to be able to touch my skin as he fell asleep. Worked like a charm and he didn't even ask for it!!
Those first days were absolute hell... esp. since that is not the way I wanted to wean. but it worked out well in the end. So if you are able offer as much help as you possibly can!! She will really appreciate it.
HTH,
S.

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T.W.

answers from Denver on

I have a girlfriend that went through this same thing with her 3rd child. She is this tiny little 4'10" gal and had this huge 18 month old boy nursing all day! She finally did what your sister is doing and just flat denied him. She went through total torture for 2 weeks straight. He cried all day and night about it, her breasts were sore from engorgement and just about the time she thought she could go no more he just stopped freaking out. Unfortunately, I don't think there is any easy way unless she wants to try bribery, which seems like trading one habit for another I think she may have to ride this one out.

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B.M.

answers from Salt Lake City on

Hello LW,
My advice to your sister is to just hang in there. As with any habit breaking, this will be difficult but not forever. The key is to make the limit and stick with it, never giving in. It is time to get food another way now. Encourage your sister to stay as matter-of-fact as possible and to not enter into a struggle with her daughter. She should do her best to distract her daughter or to offer an alternative. But if a tantrum begins then she should just calmly wait it out. "When you stop screaming we will get a snack and play with toys", etc.
Take care, B.

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J.H.

answers from Denver on

I went on a trip and the days were so not like our normal days that he just dropped it. I just kept my son really entertained and moving constantly with lots of new yummy food to try. She might want to try a couple of days trips where her little hunny is busy all the time. Changing the normal routine seems to be a big plus. When we got back from our trip he nursed like twice more for maybe two minutes each and realized that he wasn't interested. We also changed up the bedtime routine so he didn't think he should nurse before bed. Worked like a charm. He has been cutting some molars and tried to once again, but I just told him he was a big boy and didn't need that anymore and offered him something else like teething tablets or a light snack. Tell her good luck!

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J.G.

answers from Salt Lake City on

My best advice- make it unavailable. Either your sister or her daughter should go away for a weekend (or more) - a stay at grandma's is an excellent option. If your neice has no access and a few days filled with fun distractions, she may just move on.

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J.M.

answers from Phoenix on

Power struggles are common with children starting at this age, if she were not throwing tantrums over breastfeeding it would be over something else (like anything and everything imaginable!) My point is that breastfeeding is not the real problem. I don't think that weaning at this time is nessesary if the reason for it is the tantrums. Honestly, nursing my toddlers was a great way to get them to calm down after a tantrum, having such strong emotions is acctually a very scary experience for young children, they tend to feel overwhelmed by things that adults do not even realize. Nursing is relaxing and familiar and makes the world seem more bearable. Plus it will help mom and toddler re-connect and feel better after a stressful tantrum.

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J.A.

answers from Denver on

Does she have a nick name for the breastfeeding? My daughter called it 'hum hum". Just tell her to rub a little lemon juice on "hum hum" at the time she wants to nurse but not let her see it. Then when she tastes it , and of course it's not gonna taste nice, then tell her that her "hum hum" is sick and needs a break. After a while she won't ask. This is exactly how I weaned my daughter and it worked so well. She would ask me if "hum hum" is still sick and I would tell her yes and she just shrugged it off and went along playing. Good luck!

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J.S.

answers from Provo on

My aunt was having problems with her three year old and nursing. She went on vacation without him and by the time she came home she was dried up. And we had worked with him enough by offering tons more "fun" drinks, so when she came back it was an easier transition.

When the daughter throws a fit, I would suggest your sister walk away or try to divert her attention (we laugh at our kids letting them know what they are doing is silly) and yes it takes time, but well worth it in the end.

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A.

answers from Denver on

mine nursed for 3 and 4 years. the trick is to exhaust them with "big kid" activities for a while. 'you are too big for nursing but you are just big enough to... go to the children's museum / fingerpaint / help mommy cook / wash the car etc.

its a lot of work and exhausting for you as well, but it works and its worth the effort.

A.

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D.W.

answers from Boise on

I'm in the same boat with my 18 month son. He loves to breastfeed, but I know it's partly comforting. It seems like everytime I want to stop, he is cutting a tooth or getting sick. We are now just down to when he takes his nap, goes to bed, and to keep him asleep in the morning if he wakes up earlier than I want him to. But I love this time because he's not a cuddler, and that's our cuddle time.

One great way to stop is to take away one nursing time every 3 days, with the easiest one first.That way Mommy doesn't get engorged either. During the day and with meals, I just offer food and a sippie cup instead.

Maybe offer a blanket or stuffed animal, but my son doesn't want anything to do with those. So, I kind of think I like the lemon juice idea.

Best wishes.

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S.S.

answers from Denver on

I would have her check out kellymom.com. It has helpful information about breastfeeding and little children.

I personally have weaned in a few ways. Cold turkey and gradual. I have found the gradual weaning is MUCH easier on the child and mother. I would cut out 1 feeding every 2 weeks and it worked GREAT. I would definitely recommend doing this as it will help avoid resentment and emotional problems from just cutting every feeding at one time. Tell her good luck!

Make it a GREAT day!

S.

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