K.S.
As a mother of a combined family, my husbands ex sometimes tries to intervene. However, my husband and myself have set down and set rules for our household. When his daughter is here, she also has to abide by those rules. Somehow your friend and her husband have to make his children understand that their home has different rules and that the children have to abide by those rules while in the home. It's not for the ex to decide how she runs her home. As long as her and her husband are in agreement on those rules, and together they inforce those rules, backing each other up. As for his children, he accepted them as his own and now pays child support, and should continue to do so. It's the right thing to do. Not wanting to sound mean but, If he had questions requarding the paternity of the children he should have addressed that when they were born. Your friend needs to accept these children as his and treat them as if they were her own. I too was a stepchild but never raised as such. My parents had children, not stepchildren. And I raise my husbands son as one of my own, not a stepchild. And when his daughter is here, she is also treated no differently. Let the ex say and do whatever she wants, don't play into it. Ignore what she says and only deal with the children. He has rights to his children as defined by the courts. That is what he needs to be concerned with. If the ex does not want to honor those rights (i.e. using the kids as pawns) then the problem could end up being hers(in the eyes of the courts). If she continues to "bad mouth" him, especially in front of his kids, she will pay for it in the end. Her children will, when they become old enough, resent her for what she says. And it will be her own fault. She is just blowing smoke to people that may know each of them, and those people will eventually tire of it. She will end up a sad lonely person, and will have no one to blame it on except herself. Just advise your friend to be the best mother she can be to all of the children, and she and her husband need not worry about anything except the children. The stress in the marriage will be alot less, therefore already on the road to saving it.