Need Advice-Husband Caught with Affair

Welcome to this now very big ship that many of us are on. (We have graduated to something larger than "being in the same boat").
I was maried 34 1/2 years with 4 children when i caught my husband having phone calls, "business trips", emails, etc. You must admit that you had an inkling as to something being amiss. His sudden new confidence, different attitude, secretivness, etc. NEVER let on what else you know. Save it all, though, for the atty. that you may need down the road.
Now, that he knows you are on to him, he will be more careful, more secretive. How do you know that he doesn't have a Yahoo account that you cannot check?? Men are very resourceful. You might suggest counseling but you will need to know that he is sincere. My husband didn't take me seriously that i would end the marriage until her saw the QDRO and was told to move out by the judge.
He is on the outside now looking in. The children don't call him, I don't call him, and he won't know his grandchildren very well at all. very sad for a man in his late 50's. Oh, and by the way, he now has a live-in girlfriend. It didn't take him very long to move on with his new life.
best of luck. Remember, trust and verify.
C. in Woodstock

I only have this to say. You took the oath "For better or worse". Yes it hurts but ask yourself. Do you love him? Tell the truth and confront him. He's the bad guy not you. Explain to him how this makes you feel and what if the shoe was on the other foot? How would he feel?

Good luck Girl!!!!!

Your own deception will continue to make you guilty if you do not tell him about it, however, it depends on what you will do if you find out he is cheating. We all think we kow how we will respond, but you never know until you are there. My friend knows and has decided that her current lifestyle is more important than his misdeeds. She and he have currently decided to hang out while the market is bad and resort to changes later. Decide what you wantfirst then choose to keep watching or tell him or etc. Its your life too!!!

Pray and then pray some more. Make a list of the good things about your marriage. Make a list of the not so good things in your marriage. If the good outweigh the bad, then seek immediate counseling providing that your husband is truly willing to save the marriage. If all else fails after the praying, the marriage counselor, then you must seek within yourself what it is you must do. Know that you will always be who you want to be, with or without a husband.
Good Luck!!!!

Hi H., my heart goes out to you and your situation. I feel you first need to decide if you want to stay with him if he's having an affair, or had one, or MAY have one. It may take you minutes to decide or days, but make a decision before you talk. HAVE A PLAN, a thorough plan. Fast-forward your decision... can you really live with it? Could you take care of yourself if you decide to divorce? Then, you have to confront him, but knowing what YOU want will help you handle the situation. And what about him? His actions may be telling you that he wants out, or simply that he doesn't respect you or love you anymore. Do you want to MAKE him stay? But, if he asks for forgiveness, are you ready to forgive and FORGET? Can you trust his promises? Also, take into consideration that children living at home know something is wrong, and it is affecting them. Think about their well-being, at their age is better to have two stable single parents than two parents angry and resentful towards each other. Now, when you do confront him, you have to do so very calmly since screaming never fixes anything. If possible, print out his e-mails. First tell him not to interrupt you in what you are about to say. Tell him what you know (show him the e-mails), tell him how it affects you and tell him what you want. Talk to him from your head, try to leave your heart out on this one. Then ask him what he wants. And be ready for his answer, it could go either way. I know it is SO hard; really, I know. But being explosive and in tears, will make things very difficult. I hope it goes well.

I went through this years ago. I opened my mouth and told him and it became much harder to get any evidence or anything that would back my play even when I confronted him.

No proof - no leg to stand on.

I'm not devious. I'm cautious. I'm alert and I'm very much aware of what's going on around me now. My hubby says I should be a private detective because I'm so nosy LOL. I simply tell him I'm just "curious."

That being said, it's my own experience that some things should remain a secret, as it were. If you are aware of emails, don't make it known but keep a printed copy of them somewhere under lock and key (remember to look in DRAFTS, SENT and the TRASH files, too). You might never need them but there is such a thing as protecting yourself. Yahoo IM allows an archive record to be kept on your computer. I'd look at those, too. You might also want to look at myspace, yahoo 360, facebook and other social sites.

Most women are taught that they are subservient to whatever laws, rules, regulations that the husband or society lays out for them. This is not a practical approach to protecting your investments - your morals, your own personality, your own standards of living life by your rules, your marriage, your faith and beliefs. When you go into a partnership, it should be just that - partners. Not rulers or dictatorships. Partners.

If the partner decides this isn't for him (or her) and takes off in their own direction, you'd better be ready for a battle because, eventually, that's exactly what it will become unless the partner decides to stay in your world and be a partner again. If not, you need ammo. And you need to do this privately and without fanfare. Sun Tze says never let your enemy (in your case, the enemy is not knowing for sure) into your home. He also says that your greatest attribute is knowing when to speak. Consider your words, thoughts, feelings and actions and play every single one of them out in different scenarios so you won't be blindsided if a scenario happens to come your way. I'm here if you need to talk.

Hi H.,

First let me tell you...yes you can survive it, you H., can survive it, You as a married couple, can too, if your husband is willing to do the work. An affair is like a wildfire, it really burns deep , destroys and kills...what you do with the aftermath, with all that burnt and devastaded land if up to you, you may abandon the land, you may wait to see the little tiny seed that prevailed the devatation and start a new foundation, a new life...I want to tell you that if you are in pain and desbelive and it feels like the sky fell on your head, you can survive it, you can walk through the pain and beleive me, it will make you stronger at the end...
If you are facing the posibility of your husband having an affair, and you have some evidence, you just need to confront him. I know that probably in your heart you may have certainty that he is, but, you still need some solid evidence just in case, for your own protection.We don't know how this can turn out, so you need to protect yourself. Don't feel guilty about checking his emails or phone record, teh truth is that if you feel in your heart the need to do it is because there are powerful reasons for you not to trust him, and appears as though your instincts are right.
If you have a way to make copies of that evidence then do it and THEN you have to confront him. Dont be complaciente, don't assume the blame, because the truth is that no matter how bad thing may be in your marriage, you just don't go out and have an affair, he is the one wrong,the one who broke a promise, a vow, not you. He doesn't respect you and the only way he will regain that respect at this point is to see a strong, decicive, and determined woman, who will no tolerate this, who will set the boundaries in spite of the pain and deception. If it cames to this H., I truly hope you find a regretful, repentant husband, one who owns up to the gigantic mistake he made and is willing to do whatever it takes to restore the damage he inflicted in you and his family. If you don;t find this attitude, still the battle is not over...you just will have to work harder...But first you have to search your soul and find out what H. really wants for her future. Trust your instincts, trust God if you are a beleiver...
I can tell you so much more.If you'd like you can contact me anytime, if you need to talk, or whatever...I just want to tell you I am here for you, and I'll pray for you for guidance and strengh.Keep us posted if you like and again I am here.
A.