Need Advice - Carlsbad,CA

stealing from blood, his mom? what birthday. you already saved him from being prosecuted and sent to Juvy. whose card will he borrow next.

Hi K.,

I'm very sorry for the loss of your father.

Was it tough for you nephew to lose his grandfather? Was his grandfather a large part of his life? does he have other male role models who are filling the void that was left by his dad, as well as a special-needs mom? Does your nephew have special needs?

It sounds to me like he's filling his void with 'stuff' to make him happy. He lost his grandfather. He doesn't have a dad? His mom is probably upset by the passing away of her own father. So, he's compensating by buying expensive games.

If his mom is developmentally disabled to the point that she doesn't know how to return items that were purchased online..... who is doing the caretaking of this young man? It sounds to me like what he REALLY wants for his b'day is not an expensive game.... it's some attention.

You don't indicate what his relationships with family are like??? Is there a responsible male figure who can step up and mentor him? Teach him and guide him about how men are supposed to behave? Which is with honor and respect.... not stealing and asking for things. These are not innate - they must be taught and nurtured.

Also - he needs a consequence for the purchases.... he needs to pack everything up and return it. He needs to mow lawns or walk dogs to pay back any money for items that can't be returned.

PUNISHMENT teaches him nothing. He needs to learn what it means to be a good person. He also needs to learn how to deal with grief and loss.

I wish you and your family peace.

Oh Wow, who helps her out? If he is only 14 and doing this stuff already he is in for a world of hurt....I would not in the least feel obligated to get him anything and I feel it is very rude for him to even ask or email and tell you what he wants, now if you asked him that is another story BUT it sounds like he is minipulating you. I would send the gift card to his mother so she can use it for expenses and just tell her it is from you and a gift to her. If you tell her it is from him, she may not understand and let him have it back.
Best of luck!

I may be incorrect here but it sounds like your sister could use some help in making sure she is aware of where her money is going and how to ensure her sons get what they need and what they want when appropriate. I feel for your nephews but stealing from one's parents, particularly when you recognize they may not know what you are up to is wrong. I wonder if there is a community resource that can help her keep track of her money better and possibly help her to put her sons on an allowance as well. I would inform your nephew that you cannot afford what he has asked for but that you are thinking of him. You may choose to give him the gift card but I can relate to feeling that a child does not deserve something and therefore maybe not sending anything more than a birthday card

That is so sad.

Did he get punished for theft? For spending money that was not his? Is your sister aware that this happened? How is she getting paid back?

I wouldn't feel obligated to get him anything. I would give it to your poor sister. What I would give him, though, is a serious talk or maybe a couple weeks at a military boot camp for children.

This is actually really tough. On one hand I can't imagine how hard it is to raise a child being developmentally disabled. On the other hand I can't imagine what it is like to be raised by her.

Go with your gut, you know the situation a lot better than we do.

Send him a gift when he just stole things?? Not a chance.

I'd email him back saying, "I love you, but you just stole enough stuff to cover your birthdays for the next ten years. So you won't be getting anything from me this year. Love, Aunt K.."

DON'T send him the gift card. Stealing has nothing to do with grieving for Grandpa.

Without a male around, he is definitely going to need people to step up and play the "father" role. Don't baby this kid, it won't be good for him.

Just a couple of things first, did he have to return all items? Did he keep them? If he kept them then I wouldn't get him a present. If he returned the items back, still not sure if I would give him a present for his behavior, just a card in the mail. If your sister received the gift card, do you think she would pay off the expense (if she didn't return everything) or would she give it to him because he manipulated the situation?

You know your nephew better than any of us. I understand he was probably grieving for his grandpa in a sense but also he knew better. Go with your gut...

My Aunt and my 15 year old son are very close. He calls her MawMaw and the adore each other. She will not, however, buy him expensive games. She doesn't see the need for them and believes he could find other things to do - so while she may send him the occasionally gift card, she usually sends him things - shirts, games, books, etc. This is her way of giving to him, but also sticking by her principles. He is honestly fine with it b'c he knows that what she send him is sent with love.

With all that being said - I do believe your nephew should have received a greater punishment than having others pay off the 1k charge bill. This is a slippeyr slope at a slippery age for teens.

I think sending him the gift card is appropriate for a birthday. Along with some "Auntly" advice as the other moms have mentioned. He may be grieving, as you all are, but it does not excuse such poor behavior as stealing from his mother (or anyone). Explain to him that the gift card can be used towards the purchase of the game he wants, and that he can *earn* the rest of the cost through mowing lawns, shoveling driveways, helping his family around the house - repaying the 1k stolen, etc.

Grief does not excuse what he did.
Has anyone suggested counseling for your nephew - grief counseling or otherwise? It may help him navigate through this time.

I feel for your loss - it is hard losing a parent no matter what age.

I would send him a birthday card but no gift. Seems to me he already received it!

It has to be hard for him -- to have a mother that isn't fully capable of parenting him , and to have lost the father figure that he undoubtedly looked up to and relied on.

Consequently, it's a very emotional tricky time for him (in addition to being a teen) and I would encourage him to get some counseling/therapy to help him through. To just be punitive with him -- seem a small bandaid for what may well be a greater wound underneath as he realizes the limits of his mother's abilities to be an authoriy figure for him. Perhaps this was a way of testing the boundaries -- but I think he needs some help processing what is clearly a growing awareness of the situation he finds himself in. I would be less worried about the particulars of this gift, and would be more focused on how you can get him some help to deal with the emotional struggles he is grappling with.

It sounds like the incident was handled in the way your family found appropriate. You need to let it go and not continue to punish him. Everyone, but everyone makes mistakes. Children make lots of them. Losing his grandfather may have been the trigger for acting out. Sounds like he needs more love and support and guidance and yes, also forgiveness at this time.

Yikes. I am so sorry about this. I would send the boy a card and no money at all. If your sister contacts you and wonders why you did not send the boy a gift, you can explain your feelings. You can then send her the $25 card to spend on herself, saying that he lost his gift from you and she got it instead. Gifts should be given to people who deserve them, period.

Sorry about the loss of your dad. Regarding your nephew "stealing", there could be a variety of reasons he did this; not saying any are right. At 14, he should know that stealing is wrong. Thus, he should be punished, either having to return the merchandise, which no one did. Instead, relatives paid sis for the items; that is how I understood your statement. Your sis kept the laptop. So, really, it sounds like nephew got nothing he stole. This is awkward because he can't "work" off what he doesn't "own" so creatively, thinking about another punishment: Maybe a month without video games or a month of being grounded. Your sis needs to look at his fave thing to restrict.

Now on to conjecture on possible reasons that he stole: Either he doesn't have firm boundaries at home. Or maybe "all" his friends have this stuff and he feels less than. Nope, not saying it is right, but feeling less than is a powerful feeling. Discussion on the reason why should take place.

You say he doesn't call you unless he wants something. At least he calls. My kids will never call their "aunts" or "uncle" because they don't know them. The adults simply don't want anything to do with them. But maybe it is time for you to demonstrate--model--appropriate behavior. Call him-text him-email him and ask him how he is doing. Talk to him and I bet within an imminent amount of time, you become someone he contacts more than just once a year. Maybe your sister would appreciate the extra help with communication as he may end up opening up with you.

As far as the birthday gift: Give him what you can afford. There should be no deceit in the gift. Call him and tell him you "will send him a gift but that the expensive gift he wanted is not within your budget. You love him and want him to know, and understand, that we don't have money trees--but instead have a budget and the best gift is what you can afford--sent with love."

As far as the punishment of his "crime" and "his birthday present", to me, they are two separate issues completely.

But does he receive an allowance? If he's not a bad kid, there could be, as I stated, an underlying reason like feeling less than if his friends all have more than him; and if he feels powerless because of lack of opportunity to buy things on his own because he doesn't have the funds.

No your not being too harsh. If this were to happen in any other circumstance the boy could have been charged and sent to Juvi. The boy seems angry, but that doesn't mean that excuses his actions. Maybe he would benefit from a male mentor. There could be a number of reasons why he did this. Lack of a male influence, anger about his mothers condition. Either way pretending like it didn't happen won't make it go away. And counseling would help, but at that age as well as his sensitivity to counseling could make him just start to run from his problems even more, so maybe a male role model or some group thing like ALA-NON.
Plus these things are normal (the acting out), what makes the most impression in his life/future will be how it is handled. Let him go with someone and go somewhere where it is okay to be angry. It is okay to let it out. But in a healthy manor rather than running from it by making purchases (which we all tend to do this), or by stealing or lying. Which these are all signs of a cry for help.
Maybe he felt that your dad was the only one he felt he could turn to for the fatherly/male role model. And the sense of loss is great. He needs to be shown that this is not true and that we all need to find healthy ways to release these angers. If not the road ahead will likely lead to drugs (only because either with peer pressure, along with the desire to run away, or the feel good that comes with drugs are immense.)
Maybe try by starting to tell him that he is not alone in how he feels (about his mother or in the sense of loss). That there are other even people his age are going through the same things.
I hope these things help and I wish you and your family the best.
R. H.

I looked at random responses. I think you should tell him outright, because of what he did you are giving his birthday present to his mom. Let him know the consequences of stealing (other than legal), and how he is losing respect of others, and because of this, people will not go out of their way for him. Let him know what kind of life this could lead him too. Tell him you hope you see growth in him for the future so that you can comfortably give him presents then. He certainly does not deserve money now for his birthday. I am sorry about your Dad. Let you nephew know how disappointed he would have been.
Best to you and your family.

I would just send him the gift card and tell him it is to help pay for the game he wants. I would say most teens don't call their aunts regularly or email. Usually it is initiated by the adult. Also, don't begrudge this boy a birthday present. His life doesn't sound easy, but that does not make it OK for the way he is treating his mother either, but I am sure it is terribly hard for a kid to have a disabled single parent. I'd watch him, but I'd cut him some slack too. He ripped off your sister, not you.