How Can I Deal with My Daughter Who Stole from My Fiance

Doris Day the poster is the dad (presumably.)
Please take some parenting classes, all of you. You sound so young, all of you, you need some adult intervention :-(

J.

Welcome to mamapedia.

What did your daughter steal?
Why do you believe your fiance over your daughter?

You need to learn to get along with your daughter's biological mother. If that means joint counseling? Then do it. Your daughter comes first.

Does your fiance have ANY proof that your daughter stole from her? Is it possible she misplaced the item and instead of not being able to find it? blaming someone else is working for her.

What is her (your fiance's) end goal? Does she want the item back?
Is she trying to cause strife in your relationship with your daughter?
Twelve is a hard time for girls - especially when parents aren't together. A lot of manipulation can happen.

take a step back. Look at the facts...then make a decisions.

It's NOT your fiance's call what you buy your daughter for Christmas. that needs to stop right now

WTH are you trying to ask?

Please use paragraphs and proper grammar so we can understand your question and try to help.

You said your daughter stole, her mother took her side?
Who's mother?
Aren't you the mother if she's your daughter?
Current fiancé! Is there a fiancé if the month or something.
Your fiancé suggested getting "my daughter"something inexpensive for "my daughter" ???

Please clarify.

Your 'current fiance'.
How many have you had?
The way you wrote the phrase makes me wonder how stable your domestic life has been.

I don't know if your daughter is having a problem or not but you need to pay attention to her.

I've heard it said that it's easier to marry again before your kids are 10 or after your kids are 20 - but the teen years is the worst because while they are growing and maturing they really do need parental guidance and love (lots of love!) to help them become well adjusted mature adults.
They look to you to provide them with their concept of what is normal and will pattern their adult lives on what you show them and how you live your life.
How you treat her and the women in your life is how she will expect her husband to treat her as an adult.
It's an awesome responsibility isn't it?

I think that maybe you and your 'current fiance' need to take a break while you concentrate on raising your kid(s).
If it's true love - she'll wait for you while you take care of your prior responsibilities.

One of those responsibilities is learning how to better co-parent with your daughters mother.
You may despise each other but you created a child and you guys need to get on the same page in your parenting approach.
That will be much easier if you aren't side tracked by parental advice from the woman you are currently having sex with.

Do NOT tie up or confuse Christmas with what ever issues your daughter is having.
Pulling the rug out from under her and getting her a cheap gift on the advice of your fiance is a bad idea.

Something has to be done.
I agree with you there.

The something should be that you and your daughter need some quality one on one time together so you can make a connection and really talk to her about what is going on in her life.
Kids with strong parental ties tend to make a lot fewer stupid choices in the boyfriends/girlfriends they'll date in the near future.
You and your daughter need to build up some trust and respect between you.
There's no harm in locking up the valuables - you should be doing that anyway.
Now is your chance to step up to the plate.
Don't blow it.

Family therapy.

It doesn't sound like anyone in this picture can communicate with anyone else openly and respectfully:
- you don't believe you daughter
- your fiancé (fiancée?) doesn't have a good relationship with your daughter.
- you can't speak civilly or co-parent effectively with your daughter's mother
- your daughter's mother can't speak civilly or co-parent effectively with you
- your daughter's mother appears to have little regard for your fiancé and her possessions
- your fiancé is taking over the parenting of your child by sabotaging Christmas
- you think that's okay but you also let guilt come in - because you can't figure out who's in charge here and what's important
- you can't tell your fiancé to butt out and let you parent your child
- your daughter's mother takes her side without working with the adults here
- nobody is listening to the child and you don't know how to handle it when a child does something wrong (or is suspected of doing it).
- basically, of the 4 people involved, no 2 people appear to have a good relationship.

Your daughter is learning how to be an adult by watching the adult behaviors around her. She's also starting to assert her independence.

I don't know whether she stole or not. But you don't seem to have the vaguest idea of what to do going forward. The deal with kids is "trust, but verify." So protect valuables and cash quietly, with a simple lock on the bedroom door or a small fireproof safe in the closet. Tell your daughter you trust her and expect good things from her. Learn to communicate with her mother so the child cannot play you two off against each other. Insist on respect for your fiancé but also have her step back from parenting. And everyone needs to learn how to do this by working with a qualified and objective professional. Before you know it, your daughter will be at the age where lying, sneaking, stealing and making poor decisions could have life-threatening consequences.

Your daughter needs to show respect for your fiancé but you also have to have the fiancé step back from parenting. And everyone needs to learn how to do this by working with a qualified and objective professional. Before you know it, your daughter will be at the age where lying, sneaking, stealing and making poor decisions could have life-threatening consequences.

She didn't admit to stealing. You know she did it (did you catch her? Did you find the item she stole on her person?).As her dad you should focus on raising a daughter with good character. Take her out to breakfast, just the two of you...or a night of dinner and a movie. When driving have a talk to her about how you expect her to have good morals and make the right choices in life. How you expect her to never lie and to have good character. How you are so proud of the young lady she is becoming and how important it is in life to be a good person. Each time she visits do something one on one with her. (WITHOUT your fiance) Ask her about herself and show interest. Go to her school events/sports events/whatever. Just show up. Work on bonding with her. If she likes a certain type of music have her play it for you. Compliment it. Ask what she likes. Ask her to make you a playlist. If she likes a certain app have her show you. If she likes a certain video game have her teach it to you. Find ways to laugh with her. By spending one on one time with her and showing an interest in her you will start the process of bonding. You show her respect and she will show you respect. When she respects you and trusts you your words will mean a lot to her. Teach her over time about the importance of having good character in life. No, don't give her a cheap xmas gift...rise above that. Give her what you would normally give her. Start the process of really being present for her in life and teaching her.

first you need proof. when i found out my dd stole (shes 5) i caught her with the stolen item in her pocket. so i knew it was her without a doubt.without proof you have no case on this. lock up the valuables and move on. if you have proof and its 100% accurate then you need to have a sit-down chat with your daughter and find out why and and have her come up with a solution that will resolve the issue.
when my dd stole her dad threatened to give her nothing for Christmas. however Christmas presents have nothing to do with this. leave that out of the issue. you would not be pulling the plug on Christmas gifts if this happened in July so don't use that in December.
i suggest you and the mom get into counseling to make things better for your daughter. you are going to have to continue to deal with her for quite a while. since she is most likely acting out in frustration of her parents not getting along.
and never let your fiancee dictate your child's gifts. at this point shes just your fiancee and your daughter has no connection with her. you decide, DADDY, what she gets for Christmas. (unless you have no money and are using your fiancees money then she can give you a budget but not dictate whats given)

J., I'm going to assume you are the dad as the name "J." is typically a man's name.

Do you have any proof that your daughter stole from your fiance? If you don't? It's not a good thing for your relationship with your daughter.

Your fiance has no business telling you what you can and cannot spend on your daughter for ANY occasion. That needs to be nipped in the bud right now.

You cannot penalize your daughter for Christmas due to an allegation. Because that's all it is without proof an allegation.

Your family, this includes your daughter's mother and YOU and YOUR DAUGHTER need counseling so that you can learn how to communicate. Your daughter is 12 years old, this is where she is REALLY paying attention to what is going on and how relationships work.

You really need to get proof before you accuse of theft. As does your fiance.

Get family counseling. You MUST learn how to co-parent and communicate!

You don't mention any details so it's hard to give you advice.

Is this something your daughter has a history of? Is there any proof?

Why would your finance have any say in what you buy your daughter?

Without proof, and if she didn't do it, and you give her a crappy gift because your fiancé told you to, man ... your kid is going to resent your fiancé. Wouldn't you?

What was it? Is it worth all this fuss? If she did it, then think bigger picture - that's showing disrespect towards both you and your fiancé. That's a bigger issue.

I don't know how to advise you as to what to do about the theft issue, because you haven't given enough information about what happened. Do you have absolute proof that she did steal something? I'm guessing not, since your daughter is denying it. If you've had a talk with your daughter about what went missing in a gentle, non-accusatory, but concerned way, telling her you expect her to be honest with you if she knows anything about the missing item(s), that's all I would do at this point. Since the possibility exists that she did take something and can't or won't admit to it, secure items of value going forward. You can get a small bedroom safe to hold cash, jewelry, medications, etc. if you suspect you have a child dealing with impulse issues and/or lack of respect for other's property. You get for your daughter what you would normally get her for Christmas, and tell your finance that is what you are going to do. Christmas gifts should not be weighted based on a child's one bad choice just before the holiday. Your fiance may get her a separate gift from just her. And she can decide how much to spend. Or, she can put name on the tag to have the gift you select be from both of you, since you are a combined household.

You said that she is your daughter. But then you say that she has a mother. So what is the relationship here? Is she the fiance's daughter and you are the girlfriend? She can't be your daughter and her mother's daughter too.

If this child is the fiance's daughter, HE has to handle this. Not you. You shouldn't be involved with this. It's between the girl's father and her mother. If the fiance is not her father, then what is going on? If she isn't related to either of you by blood, then she is not a family member.

Regardless, when she visits, lock up your stuff. Don't leave purses, wallets or jewelry laying around. If you have other guests while she is there, keep an eye on it.

I'm confused. YOUR child, one that you got pregnant with and birthed....otherwise she is NOT your daughter and if her dad and her mom want to take care of this then it's not your business how they deal with it.

If you are gay and with a male fiance where you have an ex wife, the mother of your child, then please forgive me for my confusion.

I would like to know how you are so sure she actually did steal. Not saying she didn't, but sometimes things show up later and we realize we put it there ourselves. That it wasn't stolen. So...I can play the doubter here just to make you think.

If there is proof that she stole then you need to send that information to her mom and then you and the mom need to figure out what to do. I think your fiance should have a say in this too though, he has a right to give his opinion.