Need Advice

I would just it must be gods will, what could they say to that!

Take a deep breath F. and as your name reflects have some F. that these people who love you will support you with their love. Life has a way of happening while we make other plans. If these people in your life are prone to judge you or tell you what to do, you don't have to attach to their "stuff". Otherwise get on out there and be exactly who you are and everthing will happen as it should. Be well and know you can overcome anything that's on your path in this grand, crazy, wonderful journey called life.

Good Morning F. O,

There is nothing to dread or have to explain. Baby number 5 is clearly meant to be part of your Family. Your Husband's surgery mearly encouraged this litle Angel to hurry up and make an appreaance before time ran out....
Blessings to you and your lovely Family.

Don't worry about your parents. You two are adults and don't have to explain things to your parents or get their approval. You tried to prevent another pregnancy but it looks like the universe had another plan for you. What can you do but embrace it and be happy? Just tell them with a smile on your face and if they start in with negativity tell them that you don't want to hear it. This child needs to feel wanted and loved and you don't want the memories of unsupportive grandparents. And you absolutely cannot let the other kids hear anything negative about this pregnancy. It will really affect their levels of trust and feelings of safety... "if mom and dad and my grandparents aren't excited about the new baby, maybe they didn't want me and don't love me either". Tell them to shape up or they are out of the picture until they can get it together.

I wish you the best of health...

I too had a surprize blessing of a baby at a late age and me in poor health. I was worried about how to break it to the family. My husband and I decided to separate the bad from the good and keep the beloved baby news totally separate from my poor health issue. So we carried on with a positive attitude and expressed all of our joy and how we wanted to share the joy with our families and loved ones. When people expressed their concerns, we thanked them and gently stated that we didn't want to associate the baby with anything negative, and that we appreciate their support. We now have a 22 year old, 18 year old, and our 2 year old. All of our children are so special and are brought to us for different reasons. You were meant to have all your kids and you sound like a wonderful parent and family. Take care,
M.
www.MrTeaTravel.com

Hi F.. I recently had a similar situation. Almost 4 years ago I had 2 brain surgeries to remove a tumor. They told me I may never have kids again and that itcould be risky because if something happened when I was pregnant there was nothing they could do. After 2 years my dr gave me the ok to go ahead and try. My family freaked out so we decided to wait 1 more year. We are now pregnant with the baby they said I may not be able to have. There is really no easy way of "breaking the news" to people you know will not be happy about it. My husband and I talked about it and decided that if we were happy and the drs were ok with it then that was all that mattered. Everyone would eventually be happy. So we told everyone and told them we were happy and neither of our parents even smiled about it. They gave us there little "speece" about why we shouldn't have and have not said 1 thing since. I am 4 1/2 months. I am confident that they will all get over it and love this baby like nothing else. As long as you and your husband are happy, that is what matters. I would not worry about it too much. Just put it out there. You may be surprised. Something I had to remember is that it is our life and if this is what we want then it the right thing.

E.

Congrats on returning to good health and getting pregnant, kids are so awesome. Maybe I don't understand the situation completely, so I am going to give my oppinion about a family I don't know much about. You are an adult, and so is your husband, and you two are the head of your house, not your parents. Your wonderful children are going to be your greatest blessing in life. How many people you invite or are "suprised" into your family is between you are and your husband. I think that you guys need to show everyone else in your extended family that this is something you are excited about and you feel good about, then don't wait to see what their response is, you don't need their approval. If they still give you a hard time, don't argue with them, just tell yourself you are proud of your family and it is OK that they don't understand, maybe someday they will.

If they are worried about you juggling your kids and your business, show them through each experience that you that you can handle both responibilities with maturity, even when life gets crazy.

Best wishes!

F. O,
It is sad when we can't be excited to share the joy of God working the most amazing miracle in us. I am also a mom of four and had pressure from our family to stop. I have a 4, 3, 2 and 10 month old boys. When I announced our last pregnancy my mom said "Don't you tnink this is getting out of hand?" I say that you share - and confidently. Let their worries be just that - THEIR's. Find supportive and helpful people to surround you with and don't let anyone take away from the joy of having a baby. I wish you the best and CONGRATULATIONS!!
Best of wishes to you and your family. P.

If you and your husband are happy about baby #5, then good for you! Be happy and enjoy your children. They grow up so fast. As far as your families are concerned, it sounds like they are a little opinionated about what you should do with your family. Just tell them like it is: "Guess what? We're pregnant again. I guess God had other plans for us before we could change fate :) But, we're excited and we want you to be happy for us too." I hope all goes well for you! And, congratulations :)

God Bless you, F.!

Well, I would come right out and say (or email) something to the effect that you ran right out and took everyone's advice about having any more children, and then tell them what you have posted. How could they fault you for that? Does bearing children pose a physical threat to your well-being? Maybe you could hire a "mother's helper" to come in a couple of times per week.

Good luck to you and your family!

Whose marriage is this? if it's yours, live it your way. be proud. children are a blessing from God. you will have prayers. i am the oldest of seven. whole neighborhood used to have an opinion.... stick out your belly and grin. enjoy it. i had five pregnancies before the fifth one lived. much fertility pain.

YOU ARE BLESSED with a baby and given a gift. I'd either send them or show up a with a set of 5 picture frames and the last saying "COMING SOON". Act as you feel - not in relation to how they might feel. Be happy & honest with them & yourself.

It sounds like this wasn't part of your plan at all. I have three children and know what it's like to tell your parents that you're having another one knowing that they won't be excited.

With the hx of cancer, I'm sure you're even more scared about what your future holds.

I don't know if you are religious or not, so I hope that I don't offend you when I say that God doesn't give us any more than we can handle (sometimes we wish He just wouldn't trust us so much).

But the bottom line is to just be honest and let then know that you could really use their support right now. And that you wouldn't do anything to jeopardize your health or your family's well being.

Hi F.! I'm happy to see all the "feel good" messages for you - thats great! Every baby deserves congratulations, and you probably won't get many of those from your relatives- at least not at first. I'm not sure everyone here at MamaSource realizes what stage IV cancer means. There are only four stages of cancer, and stage IV is the worst, meaning the cancer has spread quite extensively. . As a realist, and someone who works with cancer every day, and being older than most of the mommies here, I felt I needed to add a note of reality. I run a non-profit organization for people with cancer. Over 10,000 people with cancer have participated in our program, and I have heard from several women in your situation... and since I've been doing this for 7 years, I've seen the long term results. Although stage IV cancer is no longer synonymous with terminal cancer, thanks to all the new drugs out there these days, it is still the worst stage of cancer, as you know. You did not say what kind of cancer you have/had... stage IV Hodgkins has a much better prognosis than almost any other stage IV cancer. Your family will be concerned, and rightly so. You cannot prevent it. Not only do they have you to worry about, they have your children to worry about, and as a grandma myself, that is a huge, huge concern. You are giving them one more person to worry about, and they already feel overburdened. Let's face it, in this day and age, having a 3rd, 4th or 5th child can be viewed in a negative way by many, even under the best of circumstances. When you throw in a mom who has a life-threatening health situation, another pregnancy will not be met with joy and congratulations. Indeed, you may be in for some serious disapproval. If you are on prescription medications, people will be worried about how the drugs will effect the baby. They will be worried about whether or not you will live to see this child enter kindergarten, let alone graduate from high school --- and rightly so. Stage IV cancer is stage IV cancer. Mommies die from it every day. Reality. I think, when dealing with your relatives, you must acknowledge the reality of your situation. Don't deny it or try to ward off their concerns. Their concerns are valid. On the other hand, you ARE pregnant. It's done, and you are going to have the baby. That is reality, too, and being surrounded by a bunch of negativity will do no one any good at all. It is what it is. i would recommend getting it over with. Tell them. Let them have their reactions. Allow them to deal with reality, to digest the info, and once the pregnancy progresses, hopefully they will see the new baby in a joyous way. You know they will love the baby once he/she arrives. Keep your own spirits up, think positively, but accept the fact that your actions have a huge effect on others, and the people who have the strongest reaction to this news are those who care the most. They are worried, stressed, and concerned for everyone involved. You cannot fault them for that. When dealing with those people who do not understand why greater precautions were not taken, why the vasectomy did not happen months and months ago, why, why, why, simply continue to remind in a calm and respectful way that the baby is on the way. It's done. Can't go back in time. Again, reality.
Good luck! And congratulations. I'm hoping the baby is a girl. :0)
I'm the mom of four boys, ages 27 to 8.

F.,

My advice is to put it in writing whether it is a card, letter or email. If they live close by have a your husband or friend deliver them in person or mail or email them. Lovingly give them the facts and what you need from them and don't need from them.

fact- you are surviving cancer.
fact- you weren't planning to have another baby.
fact- you are pregnant with your fifth baby.
you need them to be supportive or at the very least to not be unsupportive.
you need to not hear how they would have done it differently.
It will not be easy but what really worthwhile thing is?
you would like them to leave any negative attitudes about what you are going through at the door...

I recommend putting it in writing so you give them a chance to get used to the idea without having to see their initial reaction.

Hope this helps,

Evelyn

I know the feeling you described because we had a similar situation. I had a son who had leukemia and had numerous chemo treatments and trips to the hospital. We required lots of help in the form of babysitting for my other children (four at the time). The illness had a major impact on us as a family even though I wasn't the one who was sick. Others had hoped we were done adding to our family then I found out I was pregnant with twins while my husband awaited his vasectomy. I dreaded telling the grandparents who had cautioned us against having more. The pregnancy was difficult and I required lots of rest but came through fine. The twins were healthy and quite a bit of work but a blessing to us.
My advice I guess is to enjoy the family God gave you and don't worry what others think. I tell others we will overcome the obstacles in our path and choose to be positive. We have seven children now and I don't regret having one of them! I do regret worrying too much about what others think. Our son has been in remission for eleven years. I think children are a joy whenever they come into our lives.

Congratulations! I am one of those rare people who gets SOOO jealous of people with lots of kids. I have no idea what it feels like to be in your shoes, but I would say just be frank and honest, and prepare yourselves for the reactions they might have so that you aren't overly dissapointed when they're not excited for you. Also, don't tell them all together because they might gang up on you. But I would bet they'll come around.

Good luck!

Congratulations! What a blessing!!
Children are always a gift!! (Psalms 127:3) It sounds like you and your husband are aware of that and maybe need to teach the rest of your family. You should be so proud to have gone through what you have and be blessed so richly (and yet again with such odds)!! Just because society has started viewing children as burdens, etc., doesn't mean that they are right or that we have to believe it. You should proudly tell your family and shame on anyone who reacts negatively to such a gift!! Don't "soften the blow", throw a party!! Who knows, you might even re-think that vasectomy after this one :)Hope this gives you a bit of encouragement! www.blestmommy.com might offer a little encouragement too?. Congratulations again!

You have nothing to be ashamed of! I have something else to say, though. If, Heaven forbid, there's no way out of the cancer, there are worse things. Here's an excerpt from a conversation I had with someone who had a more dismal outlook:
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There are much worse things than growing up knowing that your mom died but brought you into the world as one of her last gifts to mankind. Most people who grow up without a mom or dad have much less heroic reasons for it, and have no reason to be proud. One of my favorite saints is Gianna Beretta Molla. http://www.saintgianna.org/main.htm She had a whole bunch of kids, dedicated her life to the practice of medicine, and died because she had uterine cancer during her last pregnancy. She had surgery but would not have the whole thing removed because it would have killed the baby. So, all her children were without a mom, but all grew up knowing she was an amazing pro-life witness. The daughter that survived because of her choices makes occasional speeches around the world.
-----------------------------------------------
There is so much beauty there.

D.

I just wanted to respond with a big "CONGRATULATIONS!!!" You and your husband do have a lot on your plates but God is bringing this new life to your family so you must be able to handle it. As far as breaking the news to family members I would get it over with asap so you aren't stressing about it anymore, especially with showing fast. Whatever the initial reaction may be, just fast forward in your mind to the birth of this new baby and everyone passing the bundle of joy around. They will be THRILLED. Good luck! K.

Dear F.

Beautiful name.......Congratulations!!! I understand that your families opinions are important but what truely matters is what your husband and you think. From what you wrote you have a very supportive husband that is what matters. I admire your strength. I think if your family is as supportive as you say they will have reservations in the beginning but will love this new blessing that is coming into all of your lives. I think their concern stems from the love they have for you. So I say tell them and enjoy your pregnancy. Just think you have overcome alot and now you are creating another life. Count your blessings and you are truely a inspiration. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Hi F.: Congratulations! God has His reasons for everything and everyone. Don't let anyone rain on your parade. The grandparents will be worried for your health but will come around. When my rather sickly daughter got pregnant for the third time, I was worried and upset at first (I was so sorry later that I showed it) but things worked out fine and none of us would trade that wonderful little boy for anything on earth. Take any misgivings as concern and love for you. Don't allow any negativity. Since your husband has had the surgery, this will be your last baby. Treasure and enjoy this time. God for His reasons has given you a gift. Enjoy it. You will be in my prayers.

Mary

Oh you poor dear. I am glad to hear that you are much better. Congrats on baby #5. You are only given what you can handle and you were meant to have 5. I would get all the facts from you doc re: your health and carrying a baby. Give them the facts and let them know that this was unexpected and you were not trying to get pregnant but as F. has it you were meant to be a mom to 5. Good Luck and hang in there.

Dear F.,

My advice is to not say anything to the family, just spend time with your other 4 and let them ask you if you are pregnant. ....then you say, yes, it was quite a surprise! Then say how happy you and your husband are to be going to bring another person into this beautiful world, then just drop the subject and get them to talk about something that is important to them. A new dress, new curtains, the beautiful weather, an anniversay coming up, and so on. I hope that this helps.

We just had some difficult family members for two days, and they don't like something that we are doing about helping to care for a Grgrandchild whose mother is single and working. We just admired the baby and changed the subject. They pouted and oh well, that is their bad luck that they cannot give respect to a new young and defenseless child.

C. N.

Dear F.,
Just your name alone says so much! Without sounding harsh or insensitive, truly....your family's response to your news should make no difference. If you're happy and thrilled and excited, and yes, a little overwhelmed, then just ride the wave of those feelings. Never let anyone else determine your happiness. It's up to you to decide how you will feel. Clearly the higher powers feel you have what it takes to love a child.

For fun, why don't you design your 2008 Christmas card using some clever photography, and put a dotted line around an empty space where where the new baby would go. Then send it around to your family to see if they have any changes to the card. They'll be like...."what?!"

Enjoy sweetie. Much love to you and your very blessed family.
Kim

well...just say it was an accident and that you decided to keep it..also it might be really good for you .. also do you know about the Bio Immune Center in Arizona? there's also one in Pasadena Ca. Dr. Sir Arnold Takemote..known for curing cancer..might be good for you to know about this place.

F.,

You have been blessed with a family who truly loves you. They want to protect you because they know what you've had to face with your battle with cancer. Their concern is your health. Just be prepared that their initial reaction may not be joy...not because they are unhappy about the baby but because they are worried about you. Just tell them about the baby like you told us.

I pray that you will feel better with each passing day and gain the inner strength you need to face them.

Remember to enjoy this blessing growing inside you! This baby is meant to be in your life. Congratulations and good luck.

Hi F.,
I don't really know that I have any real advice. I just read your post and wanted to tell you that I am thankful you are better and bow down to you for having four kids with one on the way! It sounds like your family (children/husband) are what you live for so this must be God's way of telling you that you are meant to stay around. When it comes to telling your family, you just have to do it and be prepared for their show of concern. It may come off as disappointment at first because they will first off be concerned with your welfare but I'm sure they will all come around and realize what a true blessing this 5th child will be. It is most important that you and your husband are happy and comfortable with the new baby. The rest of the family is secondary. Just remember that they won't desert you because you are having another baby. I'm sure they just love you so much and are concerned for you that it'll just take some time for them to come around. I don't know your family but I'm sure they'll be there for you throughout. Make sure to tell them you guys are happy with the news and I'm sure they'll be happy right along with you! Good luck and God Bless!

Wow, you have a lot on your plate. I am writing back because my situation is similar enough to hopefully be of some help. My kids are age 9, 8, 5, 3, and 1. My parents have also been thoroughly concerned with the health issues I have faced.

In addition to this, my sister has faced cancer a number of times now, the dangerous kind of melanoma skin cancer that only a fraction of people survive from, yet she has gone on twice now to have other children. She is in complete remission at the present and enjoying life to its fullest.

I just tell my parents if I am expecting another and let them have their reaction. My sister takes them to a restaurant to break any news that may not be well recieved. The social pressure there seems to gaurantee her a tollerable reaction from them. There is so much information from the John Hopkins cancer research center now that cancer in many ways is something you can battle and win. Get your body to an "unfriendly to cancer pH" and maintain it there through anti-cancer diets, proper sleep, walking everyday, and cleaving unto the best of coping skills and you have a strategy to win.

Our parents do not understand the spiritual side of why she and I continue to have children. All I can say is, it is right, so we go ahead with it. If we felt otherwise, then things would be different.

As for raising 5 children, it will be a task. The nice thing, which you probably already know, is that the best coping skills make it easier. Other good news is that at 6 weeks a baby's REM sleep starts to function. So make sure you go forward with confidence teaching your baby to sleep so both you and the baby can benefit from the growth hormone and neurotransmitter repair that only happens in deep, uninterrupted sleep.

My health issues are unrelated to cancer, yet they are there as health issues, potentially dangerous ones if neglected. If anything your children will probably grow up carrying the banner of good self care because of the magnified need your life will require of it. That is a blessing =).

There is a book called How to Hug A Porcupine by James Lund which is worth its weight in gold. If you have prickley porcupine-ish relatives, it is kind of like a survival, communication guide for interacting with them. Also, I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better by the Lundgrens. There are many great books on these subjects that are great supports. Best of luck to you!

Remember a child is a gift from God. He wouldn't give you what you can't handle, or what you are not suppose to have. You need your family now more than ever, and I would hope they would be supportive and loving, and rally around you. Maybe have a dinner, and ask a neutral party (like your pastor) to join you for this event. My prayers are with you.

F. I just said a prayer for you. I wish I had some words of wisdom. I pray for your continued health and God's complete healing in your life! And for the Grandparents, I pray for God to soften their hearts, have the amazing attitude that you do and embrace this child as a blessing. I also work from home and know how challenging that can be at times. Enjoy your work and enjoy your children! Blessings

Welcome your baby and let everyone know that you are very happy and to please have healthy and loving thoughts and fellings for you and guys and your baby. A baby is a miracle and is welcome no matter what so just dont worry and be happy nio mmatter how anybody reacts the baby is mos influence by your fellings so be very happy no matter what anybody thinks or say; F. vissuet

What kind of cancer did you have? What kind of treatment followed?

I am an eleven year breast cancer survivor, and concerned about your well-being.

CBP412

Congratulations! I'm a mother myself of 4 beautiful girls and a grandmother of a 2 1/2 yrs old boy and the 2nd boy on the way, due in June. I can feel your pain and overwhelming feeling of been overloaded. My advice is simple,trust in God. He did it for me, He can do it for you also. My kids are now 32, 24 and the twins are 21. I became a single mother when I was expecting the twins, I considered abortion, yes I did. Today I cry just to think about it, I'm glad I din't. Kids are truly a gift from God and He will give you the strenght to go on. I don't know how I did it, it was just GOD! Just tell everyone the good news,they will be happy for you also.Tought times don't last, tough people do. Today I'm a Real estate/Mortgage broker, my olderst daughter is now a part of my team. God Bless, you and your family.

Dear F.,
I want to tell you about the "Wellness Community" in Westlake Village, a wonderful resource and support organization for all patients with cancer and their families. Specifically they have a program for children of parents with cancer, I think it is for ages 6 and up. Through art and music children are encouraged by a psychologist to share their feelings and experiences. Likewise for family members support is given. Your experience is truly unique and challenging and you might find some gentle advice on how to help everyone in your family enjoy the news of another baby. Congratulations!
Love,
C.

F. - I'm so glad you lived through the cancer. Go you & your family!
You're excited about this baby, so go with that. Embrace it. When you think about telling your families, don't assume they won't be happy for you. When you tell them, let it show how excited you are about this last baby (I'm assuming they know about the vasectomy). Give them a little credit - I have a hard time imagining gramma and grampa finding the news of having another grandchild horrible.
Good luck!

Dear F. O,
My grandson suggested just saying, "Get ready for a Baby Shower." He is 9 yrs old.

Tell them immediately and let them know how excited you both are to bring a new baby into this world. You sound like you really enjoy your family. Think of it as a blessing. When you do everything you can, and still end up pregnant, maybe this baby has a purpose in life that will affect many peoples' lives. I will pray that their hearts will be prepared for the wonderful news. My parents had seven children. My mother's parents wanted her to stop having children much earlier. The last two babies were very close together, but my parents survived all of us. We had a great family life, and we are all still very close. By the way, there are 5 girls and 2 boys. The girl is the oldest, then a boy, then me, another sister, another sister, another sister, and then a brother. We are all different and unique. My mother is still alive, at 81 years old. She fast walks 5 days a week, gardens all the time, loves her flowers, and has many friends of different cultural backgrounds. Plus, she still lives at home. The very home I grew up in, along with everyone else. So, even though my grandparents didn't want my mom and dad to have so much responsibility, they embraced us and spent much time in our lives. Just go ahead and let them know so your husband, children and you can enjoy all of this pregnancy.

E.:)

Hi F.,

First of all congratulations! I am a mother of 10 so I can relate to the questions, comments and criticisms that you may be anticipating. I also hear you are overwhelmed at the thought of being a mother of five and that is completely understandable and normal.

I would imagine that in your situation, you will have family and friends that will be concerned for your health and so I would expect that their comments will come from the stand point of fear and concern for your welfare. I have a mother-in-law that is quite outspoken and lacks discretion so I can relate to the dread of telling people about a new pregnancy. But you know, I have found the best way to handle it is to first privately enjoy with my family the possibility of what this new baby will bring. My kids were so happy about a new baby that I would relish in their joy.

Next, I would tell those people in my life who were safe, encouraging and love me for who I am. Finally, hen I was ready to tell people, I made sure that I was confident and expressed my feelings of excitement no matter what was said. If you get a negative response, run back to those people who love you for who you are.

I wish you all the best.
Amelia

We have 5 kids!!! Life isn't any harder than the initial month or two of adjustment. Consider this baby a MIRACLE FROM GOD!!!
Not everyone can get pregnant, and not many people have 5 of those little blessings. Your families are going to be very excited!!! Figure out a super exciting way to announce the coming of the baby, I see them on Americas funniest home videos all the time...

.... people can be really insensitive and say really stupid and hurtful things so I'm thinking you should handle this with a sense of humor. Instead of tackling the awkward conversations (it doesn't really matter what anyone thinks anyway) maybe act like you're in denial. Deny it! When you are really huge and still denying it, (with a smirk and a wink) that would be funny.