Need Advice - Silver Spring,MD

The only way you can get through something like this is through relying on God. Do you have a church, that could rally around you at this time and support you? Talk to your pastor, and get some guidance from him. If you don't have a home church, find one as soon as possible. You can't do this on your own.

My heart goes out to you right now. I can only imagine the devastation you must be feeling right now. I can't identify with your particular situation, but I do know what it is like to be disappointed by people that you love. My best advice to you is not to blame yourself for what happened and don't think that anything is wrong with you. I know--easier said than done right? It's hard not to take things personally, but your husband's unfaithfullness in all likelihood has little or nothing to do with you. It sounds like your husband will probably cheat again until he finds what he is searching for. Also, don't try to ignore your emotions. It's perfectly natural to be angry that he did this to you and it's okay to be sad that you will never have the life he promised you. Give yourself time to grieve, but also take time to be thankful for all that you do have as well. Be thankful you only invested 2 1/2 years in this marriage. Be thankful that you have a beautiful daughter as a result of this relationship. Be thankful that one day you will be an even stronger, wiser person one day for being able to get through this. I wish you all the best!

I understand your situation. I was seven months pregnant with our first child when I found out my husband was cheating on me. He moved out a month later and has since married the other woman and is having a baby with her any day now. My advice to you is take each day as it comes. Some days will be better than others. Pour all your love into your little girl and realize you are much better off with him out of your life. Make sure you find a good lawyer and get everything ironed out about custody and child support. I would suggest going for full custody and it sounds like you might not have a fight about that. Time does heal all wounds. That was almost five years ago for me and I have since remarried and am working on having baby number 2. This tragedy will only show you how strong you truly are. Hang in there.

Dear C. O,

I'm sorry for your pain however you can go on because you have your 2 year old daughter who needs her mother.

This ordeal will pass and your life will continue inspite of the pain your husband has caused. Ask God to come into your life if you don't know him through Jesus Christ and ask him for strength.

Everything will be alright with the help of the Lord. If you have family and close friends around use them as your support system. If not, continue to visit websites like this one or join a women's group who talk about similar experiences and can offer you encouragement. Join a church that offers you spiritual guidance.

Remember your daughter is depending on you to be strong!

Dear C.,
First let me say that I am sorry that you have to go through this! I have been there. My youngest daughters biological father decided that he did not want to be a husband or father when I was 4 months pregnant with her. It was not only devastating to me but to my older children as well, since they had come to love him and were very attached to him. I found out after he walked out on us that he had been cheating on all of us from the day we got married.

I will tell you that it does get easier. I am sure that right now you feel like your life is going to fall apart. But, you have a beautiful little girl that needs you. You have to get up and take care of her, and that will help you get through this. To this day there are times that I look at my little one and see him and what could have been, but I have to remind myself that she is better off without him because of what he did.

It is going to be difficult, but it will get easier. The questions are going to eventually come from your daughter but you will know the best way to answer them when that time comes.

If I were you, I would contact someone on the base where he is stationed and ask them what you can do. They are there to help you. I would also seek counseling for your self so that you do not fall into a deep depression like I did.

You have one thing that I did not have when all this happened to me, you have a great support group here. I did not have that and now that I have found it, wish I had.

If you ever want to talk, feel free to email me here and I will give you my email address.

Nicole (T.)

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I will never understand what could make someone leave a family after committing his/her life. The good news is... tons of people are here to help, to lean on, to cry to, to laugh with, and even just to distract you. Your daughter is the product of the love you did share, and your focus needs to be on raising her to know she's loved, both by you and by her father, as hard as that may be. You are so much stronger than you may think, especially in the midst of devastation. Your husband took the easy way out, but you are only growing stronger because of this. Focus on you, and your daughter. Plan things for you to do together and take this time to do things you may have wanted to do before you got married but didn't. Every day you will grow stronger, and every day is a new chance to learn, to live, and to show your daughter how strong a woman can be.

If you feel comfortable, you can even go to church with friends and join a bible study or a single moms group. You'll be amazed at how incredibly relieving it is to go through difficult situations with people who know what it means.

I'll pray for you and your family, and I know you can do this!

I really feel for you, Mom. Your heart is broken. I bet yu feel sad and angry at the same time. There is only one comfort right now. Let Jesus be your husband. Pour out your heart to Him. He will be your refuge. He sees your tears and He cares. Talk to Him often and read the Bible. Then watch Him work some miracles for you and your daughter. AF

Sweetie,

If you know that he's cheating on you, call his First Sergeant. Cheating is a crime and is punishable under the UCMJ. If you have any proof, other than him admiting it, that's good for any action the military takes as well as a divorce. If you don't know who his 1st Sgt is, then call whomever you have as a point of contact in case of emergency and ask them. They should be able to provide you with the numbers to his command. If you don't think that the situation gets handled the way it needs to be, you can always call the inspector generals office and file a complaint. While that is not exactly the answer you are looking for as to moving on, it is an outlet. He signed a contract with rules and stipulations, and it's men like him that give other service members like my husband and I a bad name.

I can give you this little nugget for moving on, as I've had it given and given it back to my friends: Take each day at a time. Realize that the sidewalk is underyour feet, and keep your eyes on it. When you start to think you can't do it, look at the sidewalk and take baby steps until you get back up to speed. The ground isn't dropping out from under you, simply a fence is being put up beside you. Have faith in yourself, because you are stronger than you know.

First, realize that he is the one with the problem and there is nothing wrong with you. Nothing can diminish the pain from what he is doing so you will have to go through it but while you do, get out and do some exciting self-affirming things. DO NOT start dating. You need time for YOU. People say it's possible to be friends after a break-up. I don't agree with that at all when it is a break-up like this one because of the level of disrespect to you as a wife and mother of his child. Don't try to keep in touch with him trying to be his friend. Clearly he is not your friend. Any calls to him should be concerning the precious baby. Any others should be from your lawyer. I know from people that I know who are military that fidelity is a big problem. Watch the movie "Why Did I Get Married" by Tyler Perry and find out about the 80/20 rule and know that he WILL be sorry. Be strong dear and I will pray for you.

Hi Sweetie,
Heartbreak truly sucks... there is nothing that can be done about that. It is something that everyone has to face at some point- Some people grow from it, some become callused and hard from it.. You, my dear are young and still truly at the beginning of your life. You and your daughter are really better off without him if he doesn't see what blessings you two are. So let him go to his new woman-- Do you think he won't do the same thing to her in a few years??? if not, think again. If he would abandon you two.. he'll do it to her, he has no sense of responsibility. Now to answer your question... how do you move on... You accept your hurt and pain... cry when you need to... get mad when you need to because you are grieving.. Let yourself grieve- if you have friends and family.. now is the time to be with them... they love you and you need to feel loved right now. Encourage them to stop by and please talk about how you feel.. As time passes.. it will hurt less, as you know, and when you are ready-- hit the club!!! That will build your confidence up too!! However, one word of caution, don't get serious with anyone for atleast 6-9 months... you'll be too desperate. Let your heart heal and get strong again. You'll be okay!! Smooches

L.

How heartbreaking! Regardless of what you do, it is going to be tough. I suggest focusing on what you and your child need and go from their. You don't need to be with this man - it's not good for you. Your daughter doesn't need him as a role model either - it's not good for her. If you can keep those things in mind it may help. Also remember, despite any positive or negative emotions you may have for him, you have the right to grieve for this relationship and your lost hopes.

Hang in there!

S.

I understand that this is a very troubling time for you. Just remember that your daughter still needs you to be strong, not just for yourself but for her. There is no bigger female role model to your daughter than you. Who better to show her that you can be a strong independent mother for her. When she grows up she will see that her MOTHER was always there for her, while her father made mistakes and "wasn't ready". She needs to see that you have the strength to move on and still be happy because after all you still have her. Just keep your head up and remember that God does things for a purpose. You may not feel that way now but things will work out, you'll see. Just hang in there and be strong for your baby girl. And best of luck.

You keep your chin up. You realize that he did wrong and it's not your fault. You keep it together for your little girl and show her a strong female role model. You're better off w/out a man that would so disrespect you like that. My husband is military too and I know how hard that lifestyle is. but one thing it teaches you is how to be a strong, independent woman. you are fine, you will be fine. lean on your friends and family but don't dwell on the negative. focus on the positive. and move forward.

i hope that helps.
i have thought about what i would do if...and that's what i would do.
-J.

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I just heard about a great online support group. My friend is a part of the Seek and Ye Shall Find Church (http://www.saysf.org/). The support group is for women (there is another group for men so that you are both getting the healing you need). Even if you can't get your husband to participate, it would be beneficial for you. The program is http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/home/our_courses.php
Best of luck. You are in my prayers.

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I am also a single parent because my son's father decided the military was more important than his child. I don't know how to specifically help you but I can tell you that it gets easier. You have to look at that amazing little girl and remember what a miracle she truly is. I know that looking at her reminds you of your ex but you have to find a way to disassociate the two. That little girl is not her father and she needs you to be there for her. She is going to have a difficult time understanding why daddy isn't around but as long as she has you and you love her and spend time with her then she has so much. I am sure that you are a great mom but you also need time to heal. It will not happen overnight but it will happen. If you can find someone to take care of her for short periods then try to find something that you enjoy and take part. I have been dealing with my ex for 21 months and the things that he does would make you cringe but he is a guy and he is the one that is missing out on that little miracle, just like your ex. If you feel that you might harm your daughter or if you just feel that you need someone to talk to then please consult a therapist. It is tough to admit sometimes that we need help but a therapist can really help you put things in perspective and find ways to move on. I turned to God and that has helped me tremendously. I would not be where I am without Him and my son is just the best reason in the world to face everyday. Good luck to you and I will keep you in my prayers. I also agree with some of the other women about the compensation. I didn't want it at first but it is such a big help. The military will make him pay child support and continue medical coverage for your daughter so please look into that. Also document everything because you may need it someday. Take care.

Contact his chain of command first of all, cover your bases in that respect. He'll get into trouble and you and your baby will be taken care of monetrily. And if the person he cheated with is in the military as well, she can kiss her career good-bye. I'm a military spouse as well as a military daughter, I know what I'm talking about.

Of course you're hurt, you wouldn't be human other wise, talking about it helps and you will find a way, don't shut down what ever you do.

If you need someone to talk to, I'm here, just an email away at ____@____.com.

oh, i am soo sorry for your situation! I can't believe that! What a terrible thing to happen. I'm 28 too, and can't imagine .
You have to seperate your feelings toward your soon-to-be-ex from your precious baby. Just keep thinking of how your baby is a part of YOU, and how YOU carried her for 9 mo, birthed her, was HER world for the past 2 yrs. Just remember she needs YOU and ONLY YOU to live! She is innocent and a little you (no matter how she looks!)

i wish you luck getting through this hard time. M.- Middle River, MD. Mother of a 4 mo. old

My 1st piece of advice is to notify his commander. Being a military brat and having close friends and many family members in the military, they do not look too kindly on cheating spouses. Next, I would contact the Base or Post Chaplain. He can guide you through this. My ex and I divorced when my daughter was 2 as well. Make sure you keep things civil (I know it is going to be hard) and that you do not talk bad about her father in front of her. Kids pick up on these things. Please feel free to e-mail me at any time! My e-mail address is ____@____.com

HI! i am SO sorry about this! i can tell you that its not easy and somedays are better than others. when i was going through my divorce and custody battle i didnt want to get out of bed i just wanted to wallow in self pitty but i couldnt. i had 2 little boys that needed me more than ever! it was their kisses and hugs and the 'i love you mommy' that got me through so much.make sure not to get angry in front of him and document EVERYTHING!!! find a good lawyer and let his command know. my boys were 4 and 8 at the time(i was 28). you find an inner strength that you never knew you had and as time goes by it gets to the point that your not angry but almost feel sad for the other person becasue you know what they will miss out on in the long run! i am now happily remarried to an incredible man who understands and knows that i still have some trust issues(not w/ him but its still there) give yourself time to pick up the pieces. go back to school, get out with friends and dont worry about guys-the right one will come along someday without your knowledge and sweep you off your feet! if you ever want to vent of feel like giving up and cant motivate yourself, feel free to email me.
A.

Hi. I know how it is to have someone you love cheat on you. I know everyone has said this but with time it does get easier and Take one day at a time. Time heals all wounds. I know you are hurt , confused and scared. Just know he needs to take care of his daughter finanically and not but all the burden on you he helped bring her in the world and he needs to step up and be a man. I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Take care.

I am so sorry you are in this situation. It hurts I'm sure. Is there a possibility that he would consider council before taking a step that may or may not work out for him? Do you even want this to deal with him and could he do this again. I do believe in saving and restring marriage 1st. I now if one is unfaithful, that it is justifacation for divorce. This is the time for you have faith and trust God. You need tp be around support and healthy people to walk you through this. I am a believer og God's Word. I attend church at Potomac Believers Fellowship and without the chuch and support I would have not been able to jump the hurdles in my life. We meet Sundays at 10:15 and Tuesdays at 7:30. Hope this will bring you to ask important questions that will determine your life. Be Blessed, B.

First let me say how sorry I am. But please being married to someone who has children from a previous marriage. It is not your daughters fault. She will become your pride and joy no matter happens. I have 2 daughters of my own plus 2 step children and let me tell you My daughters are AWESOME! They are kind, loving and fun to be around. The other 2 were caught up in a nasty divorce and although they are adults now they are a mess. I tried for years to help them but it wasn't me they want. Be there for daughter threw thick and thin. Never let her doubt how much you love her. She will need you just as much as you will need her. You sound like a strong person. I wish good luck and a brighter future for you and you daughter.

Hey girl,my heart totaly goes out to you.I am so sorry that you are going through this.All i can say is "what starts wrong ends wrong",he will not find everlasting happyness with this other women and evenutally he will realize the huge mistake he has made.I have seen this 100 times before it never lasts with these "other" women.I know it hurts like hell for you right now but your one consolation is you already got the best part of him,and it came in the form of a beutiful baby girl.The other women can have whats left of him and it doesnt sound like much.You also walk away with a clear consious and that is a huge consolation in 2 or 3 years when he is left wondering what the hell he did and you know that you acted with integrity.Believe it or not that alone makes it alot easier to move on.You will get through this and you will come out n the other side of this happier and stronger.If this is the type of guy he is he will do it again and this time it will be to her,think of it as a clean get away for you,think how much worse it would have been after 10 years of marriege and 3 kids later.Things always happen for a reason and in my opinion you are getting a ticket out in the nick of time.Hang in there."This too shall pass"
Love A.

I have been exactly where you are at and I know how you feel. I am now 34 and "happily" divorced. My ex-husband was sent to Korea after only on year of marriage. I was 22 then. When he left, our son was 3 months old. He was stationed there for a year. I didn't find out about the affair until afer his tour was over when I found a love letter in his luggage. We ended up staying married for 10 years but he always strayed. Eventually, my heart and spirit couldn't take it anymore. I filed for divorce and I have never been happier. If he says he doesn't want to be with you, he doesn't. If you make him stay it will most likely happen again. I have been divorced 4 years and my son is 11. It was the best thing I could do for my son. Mom and Dad are better as friends than a couple and he feels that. Show your child a strong woman. You can do it! It does get easier but it will take you some time.

Hang in there beautiful! Time heals all.... What's most important is that you have to be there for your baby girl. Dont give up on her...Dont give up on you....and most importantly....Dont give up on life!

Find Joy in your daughter, she will be your best friend. The two of you will survive together. Let him go, don't look back.

I'm so sorry. I, unfortunately, have experienced being cheated on as well. First, like many others have said in this chain, DON'T blame yourself or ask "Why" because there is no logical answer to this question. Rather, believe that he didn't mean to hurt you, but the problem ultimately lies within him. DO, however, make sure his takes responsibility financially for your daughter. You have been blessed, so when you look at her, only feel the joy and gift of her life. You will be happy again, I promise. Her love is unconditional and never ending. Now, THAT's a blessing. I, like you, received the best things from my ex. Our two children. So, take lots of bubble baths and cry when you need to. You are about to start the rest of your life, and you will surprise yourself on how strong you really are.

Sweetie,
Contrary to what they tell us in movies, TV and around church circles...being a single parent is NOT the end of the world. Both you and your daughter are alive and well and that child support AND alimony check you will get from the military will have you wiping your tears with the most expensive tissue you can find! As many others have already told you it is your husband who has demons inside of him. You are not to blame for his actions. You move on from all of this by realizing it is okay to cry to about it. It hurts. I know. I wish I had the advice of one of the posts that limited the amount of time to spend on crying about it. I wasted too many nights feeling sorry for myself. But you know what. I picked myself up and brushed myself and my two children off. You need to realize this may be the hardest thing you ever experience in life and it may NOT be. You have to create your own happy ending for you and your daughter. The day I decided I wasn't going to cry anymore I wrote a letter to my ex describing all the pain I felt, calling him every name I wanted to call him and expressing how much I hated him for hurting me. When I was done, I took all the pages and ripped them up and threw them away. He doesn't have control over my heart and my feelings anymore. I do! Do the same for yourself and your daughter when you are ready. In the meantime, take the advice of the other posts and get you a good lawyer.

I am so sorry to hear that this has happened to you. My best friend went through pretty much the same thing about three years ago. Her husband was also stationed in Korea and he called her from out of the blue and said that he wanted a divorce and that she was a bad horrible wife and that he no longer loved her. It has taken her and her two children to adjust but she is doing wonderfully and has found a man that is more then she could have ever hoped for. Hang in there!! Things seem horrible now but give it some time. And hopefully if you and your "Ex" husband get along your little girl will handle it well too!!

There are two parts to the answer of how you go one. The first is emotional, the second financially. I am an older mother so I am going to hardball the latter.

Find out immediately what financial rights you have since he is in the military. No matter what he has a obligation to help raise your daughter.

You are left with a lot of pain over his deceit. But I am going to assume he has some redeeming charateristics since you married him in the first place. That being said, try and get through this awful period with dignity and without hatred in your heart. Do not allow his actions to damage you as a human being. Remember, he is your daughters father and unless he is really evil, should be in her life. It may not happen now, but I promise you at some point she will want to get to know him. Every child deserves to be loved by both parents.

Also, how about his family? Would any of them act on your behalf during this period to get him to step up to the plate and support you? If they are good people, they should be in your daughters life as well.

The pain will pass, I promise you. Your life will go on. Just look at the blessing that came out of the marriage, you little girl. Also, do not neglect yourself right now. Go to the gym, see your girlfriends, join a local support group for separated and divorced moms. Nothing like the support of other women during crises. You can do this. Stay strong and focused.

It's a hard thing to handle initially but believe me it gets better. I know it doesn't seem so right now, but it does. That's about all I can say. Everyone will give you advice but until you are really truely ready to move on then no one elses advice will work. I was in that position. I thought us moving, building a new house, having another baby, and so on would make the situation better but all it did was prolong the inevitable. Now I am a single mom and actually loving life to the fullest. I can come and go as I please, my kids and I can travel, go to my parents, friends, or just hand out at the house and leave it a mess until next weekend and at the end of the day there is no one to complain to me about what I did or didn't do. Althought having that special someone in my life is nice right now it is my time. And down the road eventually I'm sure I will meet that special someone but I know now what to look for, what I want, what I deserve, and won't take anything less.

I am so sorry to hear this, C.! The world isn't always as it should be or as we want or hoped it would be... and I am glad to know that you are finding this out now rather than many years down the road. That is something to be thankful for! I am also glad that you can look at your daughter - I know you are saddened at the pain he has caused you - the betrayal and disrespect. But know that this little girl is a blessing. She is your gift - the best thing to come of your being with this man is this blessed little wonderful baby girl. She never wanted this to happen and will surely experience a lot of pain as a result, too. My suggestion to you would be to seek support, love, and encouragement from friends, family, and even a counselor or therapist. Also, put the energy of your sadness, frustration, and whatever other emotions into time with your dear daughter. Find joy in her laughter, find comfort in being able to provide warm arms to hug her with... and know that you are not alone.

God bless you and know that love can do all things.

Sincerely,
H.
of DC

Be sure to take care of yourself and your daughter. I agree that you need to protect yourself too. Surround yourself with people that love you too. Will keep you in my prayers!

Right now I think you should focus on your 2 yr old daughter, because right now she needs you more than ever. If you talk to or see your husband (ex) tell him he does have a child in the States who needs his attention also. She needs to know her father and her new brother/sister too.

C., I'm sorry to hear of this happening to you. I agree with the others who urge you to find a good attorney. You and your daughter have rights, and he was ready enough to have a daughter, he is ready enough to assume his responsibilities. I see you are in Silver Spring, and the attorney I usually recommend is in Annapolis, but if you are interested, her name and contact information is:
Susanne K Henley, Esquire
Robin K Henley, Esquire (her son)
47 West Street
Annapolis, MD 21401
###-###-####

To help you deal with the hurt, I highly recommend seeing a therapist for some adjustment therapy. It is just as the name suggests, help adjusting to new situations. It's very useful, it helped me recover from an abusive marriage. I would look into what the military has to offer for that, it should be provided free of charge. Most medical insurance policies cover this type of therapy fully, because it is so successful. It may take a longer time, or it may only take a few sessions to help you move on in the way that you want to go. It's there to help you on your way.

Please contact an attorney, as the wronged party you may have rights to benefits for you beyond what someone who has not been wronged. And, definitely, get legal advice on what the father is required by law to provide for his child.

God bless you, and I'll say some prayers for you.

You will not go crazy. Why would you go crazy behind someone who don't want to be with you? First of all, who will take care of you child while you are recuparating from mental illness. Grandma, S., friend will not treat your child like you would. Secondly, He will get tired of her after two years and move on to the next person(man or woman). Just get that child support and alimony and all military benefits and move on with your life. Love yourself and your child and give God the Glory. Most important find you a God fearing Bible believing church. Work for the Lord and raise your child in the true church. Pray and ask God for leadership. Trust in the Lord and lean not to your own understanding and in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your path. Much love S. M Hampton Va

Hi C.,

A similar thing happened to me about 40 years ago. I was devastated at first and then I realized that it was important for me to move on. If you get a chance to read Eckhart Tolle's: Book the Power of Now or A New Earth....it will support you in focusing on what you do want in your life for you and your son. Let him (your ex) go....forgive him....this is most important. Be happy and grateful for who you are....a wise woman asking for support!

I am happily married to a wonderful man and have been for 25 years! I am so truly grateful that I let go of any clinging to the past, this allowed space for the new! My daughter and I are still very close, so let yourself create a whole new life!

Lou Ann B

You know what? You need to get pissed!! How DARE he do that to you!! You don't need him and he obviously doesn't deserve you. You will be stronger person and better mother because of it!! Move ahead with your life and let him wait and see what he threw away!!

Trust me I have been there!!

Oh, you get an attorney and protect yourself financially and also in regard to custody. At this point, you only have control of your actions. You need to be strong for your baby girl and for yourself. It's okay to be "in the dumps" for a bit but at some point you have to pick yourself up, accept the situation for what it is and deal with it head on. To simply answer your question...you have no choice, so just do it. Be a success and be strong and GOOD LUCK!!!

Wow. I'm so sorry that's happening to you! I can't say I've ever had a problem like this with my husband, but I have had a couple devastating heartbreaks in my past (I was a single mom for 11 years). I wish I could give you some wonderful advice that would help you heal quickly, but there isn't any! Surrounding yourself with friends or family that care about you and your daughter is probably the best thing to make you feel a little better. And just focus on yourself and especially your daughter and keep reminding yourself that you didn't deserve to be treated that way! Your husband is the bad person, not you!!! Things will get better...after 11 years of raising my daughter alone, I married a great guy and we have 2 great kids together. Keep your chin up :)

Put your focus on your daughter. Go back to college. Empower yourself. Find a support group to channel your verbal frustrations.

Wow. I am so sorry. Spend time with your daughter doing things that make you happy. There is nothing anyone can tell you that will make this better or less hurtful. He acted like a jackass and unfortunately, you are left to pick up the pieces. One breath at time, one day at time, and eventually, you will start breathing and existing without pain.

So sorry.

You need to pick up and move on for your daughter. She is #1 in your life and you need to take care of her. Make sure that you have the financial means to get through this. Make sure he is paying child support, if you cannot afford a lawyer call Dept of Social Services and they will provide you with one. Your top priority is to take care of your family. Then go to a counselor! You will have some major ups and downs and need someone to help you through it. If you live near Reston I can give you a recommendation. Most likely your husband is feeling pretty guilty now, get him to sign a custody and property settlement agreement now while he is still feeling bad. As time goes on he will only care about himself and will not be as generous.

I know you probably don't feel like you have a brain to comprehend all of this now, surround yourself with your friends and family. You need them to lean on and it is ok to lean on them.

Feel free to send me a message anytime. I have been separated for 11.5 months and hopefully my divorce will be final soon!

S.

Don't stop loving yourself and don't give up. It's not your fault on what actions he has taken on. Be there as much as you can for your daughter. You are going to hurt but when you are hurting always think about the beautiful daughter you have.

As a child of divorce, a step-mother of 2 (11, 8) and a mother of 1 (11 mos) I think many of us can understand your feelings regarding the actions of your husband. You married him and had a daugher with him in good faith. We look at marriage as a life long commitment, and it is very painful when that does not happen. No matter what your husband did, your daughter is a gift and an innocent in this situation. Try not to look at her and see that pain of your husbands actions, but the absulote joy that she brings to your life by being so pure and fresh in this world. She can not be held responsible for your husbands actions. Try therapy for the long term effects that this will have (trust, commitment, etc). And always remember, it is his lost and you are a survivor. Although it is bleak now, this is a very small bump in your long road of a fantastic life!

well, it's much better to be with someone who wants to be with you than someone who doesn't. Let this man go gracefully & go on with your life. You are still young enough to enjoy all that life has to offer. Then one day, when don't expect it, someone will come along who appreciates you for who you are & loves you uncondionally. They will also accept your daughter as well. Do not settle or accept anything less. Learn to love yourself & lean on God in heaven for he will answer any prayers that you may have. Most improtantly, don't give up...you are setting an important exaample for your daughter. Consider yourself lucky you found out & can now find a person that is more deserving of you. May God bless you & your daughter.

First of all, I'm sorry that you married a jerk! Don't let this ruin your life, or the life of your daughter! If her father wants to be a part of her life, he had better be willing to be a father, not a part-time dad who buys her stuff, lets her get away with whatever she wants, and then passes her back to you. Make sure he has clear ground rules (legally set) for his visits with her, he should have to come to you (you can't be shipping your daughter off, disrupting her stability and life, everytime he has a whim to see her, children need consistency - same school, same friends, ect.) Also, make sure that your current lifestyle isn't disrupted (hence the need for alimony and child support) just because he decided he didn't want the same life anymore doesn't mean that he can throw yours into upheaval... contact the military, ask them to provide you with a good lawyer, they are his employer and it is my understanding that don't let their guys act like jerks without consequences. Contact other military ex-wives to see what they did. Also, for your daughters sake, move to where you have a strong support system and good roll models as to what strong, happy families look like, and a positive male influence in her life (your father, grandfather, brother, uncle, etc.)
As for moving on, I hope you will read this and understand my intent, although, to many it will sound harsh. You can't have a life, you had a child, your life belongs to her. That means that it is in her best interest for you NOT to date. She has lost a parent (even though he may not have been around in the first place) so you need to be understanding of that. It will NEVER be in her best interest for you to bring man after man after man into your life. Children are quick to form bonds and if you have a boyfriend, she will consider him to be her dad, then you will break up with him, move on to the next and the next and the next... She will feel the loss of a parent each time, it isn't fair to her. You will have to wait until she is older, perhaps out of the house. You don't need a man, you just need to be the best mom to your daughter, sacrafice for her. Also, you need to remember that children learn best by example, not words. How you react to the situation will shape your daughters life. If you go out and sleep with a billion other guys, no matter how discreet you think you are, she will know and will do the same. Without bad mouthing her father (you do that and it will be instant hatred for you as she gets older, it's her father and he is part of her...), you need to teach her that what he did was wrong. You have to teach her that women are to be respected and that family is the greatest acheivement and connection you can have. The best way to do that is start when she is young and teach her that she should only have sex with a man she is married to and make sure that the man she marries has the same committment. This teaches her to respect herself (she's worth waiting for...) and teaches her to find a man that believes that she is worth waiting for, he will be less likely to fool around on her.
You can turn this around and make it into a positive experience for both you, you won't be married to a jerk, and she won't make the same mistakes you did...

Hey momma!

Be strong! Life is full of twists and turns, but it'll be fine. Definitely talk to the JAG office, I'm sure they can give you some good legal advice. The other thing i would recommend is for you to get together with some other single moms, so you all can talk, vent, laugh (lots of that) and whatever else you need to maintain your sanity, especially during this transitional stage. How you are feeling is very normal, but it shall pass.

I'm a single parent too, and trust me, it's not easy, but not impossible. I got my degree, have an awesome job, an awesome business, and three absolute angels that I love with all my heart!!

Best of luck and I'm here if you need any support!

D.

Man that is so tough - that is one of those life blows that knocks all the wind out of you and takes awhile to begin to heal. I understand that you don't want to feel all those feelings when you look at your daughter, but I also know it is hard not too.
I know this does not lessen the pain but maybe you can find hope in the fact that many other women have faced what you are facing and have moved through it.
Do you have friends and family nearby? Now is the time to reach out and find support, at night it will still just be you and your daughter, but you will find slowly that the pain will lessen.
Your daughter is her own person, she is not him, although she is from him and shares his genetic make - up she did not hurt you. She is the best thing you got out of your relationship with him. Enjoy her and when she smiles at you try your best to smile back.
There is no excellent advice for a situation like this - it is just going to hurt, but you need to continue to love and be a mom to your daughter and find support networks.
Circle of Parents holds weekly support groups for parents helping one another learn positive parenting skills; meets Mondays in Stafford and King George, Tuesdays in Fredericksburg and Orange, Wednesdays in Fredericksburg, Caroline and Spotsylvania Courthouse area, Thursdays in Spotsylvania Towne Centre area, 6:30-8 p.m. 540/785-6217, 877/785-6217 or raccap.org.
Its free and they have a sitter for the children and free pizza so you can talk openly with other parents about parenting issues. This might be a helpful place to open up? Good luck and I wish you the best.

First of all, I am so sorry this is happening to you. Although I can not relate to your situation exactly (my husband has never cheated on me), I can sympathize with a rocky relationship. My husband and I have only been married a little over a year and it's been tough, stressful, and very turbulent. There were times I thought about separating, but I don't know how to move on and get over him. Perhaps if we did not have a child together, it would be easier to go our separate ways, but the fact of the matter is when you have children together, it makes it so much more difficult. No matter what happens, you will always have some type of contact with your husband due to custody reasons. It might take many many years before you are ok or can deal with the fact that he has moved on, and rather quickly I might add considering he has already gotten another woman pregnant. Isn't it so incredibly frustrating to know that it is so much easier for your husband to get over you and move on then it is for you? I often think that if I were to disappear off the face of the planet, my husband wouldn't even notice, it wouldn't phase him. Anyway, I want you to know that if you ever want to talk, please feel free to contact me. I know how lonely and humiliating it can be when you are having problems with your spouse. I may not have the greatest advice, but I am a good listener. On the bright side, you are young and you have the rest of your life ahead of you. If your husband realizes that his awful, selfish, immature, indulgent, and adulterous behavior has jeopardized his family, please do not give him another chance!! He is so not worth it. He's made his bed and now he can lie in it.